Primal
Overall Recommendation
Recommendation?
There’s some sort of story to the making of this movie, because there are wildly varying levels of success and failure here. Mel?? Fucking gem. Makes the movie. The CGI? Pathetic. Sinks the movie. I’ve said it a thousand times, if you don’t NEED to needlessly take risks complicating things, don’t! Why add in the part about bugs randomly eating the plastic? And why, for the love of all that’s holy, did we veer off in the last 20 minutes into the land of tentacle porn fantasy? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ATTEMPTED SLUG RAPE SCENE ABOUT?? We go from a primitive man painting on a rock to leaches that cause the virus but bites from the virus might or might not transmit it, but it doesn’t matter anyway because we’re going to keep sort of changing the focus of the movie around until you’re really not sure who you’re rooting for or why. This is when you catch the first sniff of it- the genius that came so close to coming to fruition, and then the cruel after-palette of over-promised and under-whelming CGI crap wiped all over it like a child’s first attempt at potty training. There were at least 3 different movies going on here, as well as another 8 “I have this new twist that I want to add to…” actions that we had to comprehend. Fuck. The dots in the i’s as I type squiggle like little bugs. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ATTEMPTED SLUG RAPE SCENE ABOUT?? There was so much good in this, there is so much that needs to be captured and built upon, but the reins need held by a less impulsive and more refined hands. This is not a single cohesive story- it’s 47 small ideas wrapped around each other like the rubber-band core of a golf ball. The vision is here. The talent is here. Now we just need a fucking adult in the room. Guess what I want to write here for the fourth time?
Plot Autopsy
Plot Autopsy
- A bunch of annoying cliches are driving through Disneyland Resorts trying… wait.. there’s something about old cave paintings.
- So they get to the cave, and then go into or through a tunnel, depending on who you ask
- Some leaches later, Mel is a toothy fast-zombie and the rest of the group is dysfunctional
- Then more people get bit, and they do everything except leave. Oh, yeah, there’s occasionally plastic eating bugs.
- All sorts of brawling and pleading and leaping and red and snarling
- When everything is said and done, I REALLY like Mel.
Zombie Description
Zombie Description
Fuck, I don’t know if I can really call this a zombie movie or not. I mean, yeah, you get infected and then turn and then run around trying to eat other people. In that very broad sense of the term, this is a zombie movie. But the truth is much more complex. See, there was a cave-painter. And now there’s tentacle porn weirdness going on in the cave. Or tunnel. We’re never really sure. We don’t even know where the car is parked. But- you do lose all your teeth and then get new piranha ones and you’re able to leap around like you were a methed up super-vampire. You… like eating people, but fear fire and commitment.
Where the money went
Where the money went
Give more to Mel! Give the rest to the special effects crew, specifically, half to the gushy red prop makers, and the other half to a bunch of large out of work men to beat the shit out of the CGI department. Everything related to the cave- the cave, the cave, the tentacles, and the cave… and the tunnel, too… all that was waste. It needs to be ripped out and the efforts put further into Mel’s story arc. All the hyper-intense techno shit and CGI? Gut it all out and give me more of the monsters hunting the humans. Go into their intelligence, their motivation. No animal drags half a corpse to a cave that they’re afraid to enter and hucks it inside. Makes no sense.
Best Weapon
Best Weapon
I’m giving it to the stick to the face. I mean, the movie’s name is Primal, and there’s nothing more P than just smacking someone in the face with a branch. It’s a pretty universally understood form of communication. Also, let’s consider that we never really moved past the iron age in regard to weaponry technology. We had sticks, fire, rocks, a couple small knives, and a machete.
Can I get a hand?
Can I get a hand?
This is a strange entry, since, well, we have a great new hand element introduced here, the “outline of a hand in splattered red”. We even have hand injuries- Chad gets a couple of fingers bitten off. But I’m going to repurpose this section into actual applause. Mel made this fucking movie. Mel’s creature RULED. I want to see more of this… twitchy, curious, slightly intelligent but completely batshit crazy creature. Or creatures, since Dace’s zombie was awesome too.
That was new!
That was new!
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ATTEMPTED SLUG RAPE SCENE ABOUT?? Seriously. Why did no-one pull the director aside and say “If you actually film this, people are going to point and laugh at you for years to come, wondering what they’d find in your search browser.” It had NO point to the movie. I mean, what the fuck was the movie even about? Like, there were so many semi-interlocking pieces that you couldn’t move this without disturbing that… it was like a Jenga of word salad and impulsive decisions.
Review Notes
Review Notes
Starting off with a bunch of cliffs.
It’s a really long time ago and some guy is painting stuff on the rocks. I like graffiti.
Lots of red in his work.
Doesn’t spend much time in the gym…
Some bald guy is stalking him?
Oh. Well. Uh… We have an amazing hand, already- a… relief? Of a human hand, in red splatter. Lovely! A NEW type of Hand for our New section! I’m giddy! Up!
And then shit gets psychedelic as if… White Zombie’s younger brother’s neighbor’s band… tried to film a music video in the forest but none of the band members showed up. It’s psychedelic and I’m not even on mushrooms! I mean… anymore. I assume the ones from before the gym have worn off. Ouch. You. Me.
Today!
A nightmare of red teeth and we have indie rock and 20-somethings arguing in a very overstuffed mini suv.
Something about a crazy ex uncle.
On the way to see some rock paintings. For a doctorate.
“Cavendish”? Some sign?
A… little girl zombie dragging a body away… some guy apologizes and then kills her with a machete?
I’ve watched documentaries about driving off road in Australia and that is NOT normal track they’re on. That’s the Disney version of what Australia looks like.
Oh, there is some sexual tension and idiocy in that truck.
Wow. The park and then instantly go into the caves and start exploring.
One of the girls really doesn’t like being in the cave.
WHAT? “Pregnant.”
If my wife kept calling me her sensitive man, I’d murder her.
Oh, shit! Enya or whatever just went insta-pinball against the caves walls and cut herself and then passed out. Remember that wasted stagger spiral of doom I talked about dreaming about? Yeah. She did it in a cave full of dirty sharp rocks with no protective equipment.
Ok, this plot makes no sense. They just drove to point A which is the start of the tunnel, then walked to point B, the other end of the tunnel. Now Enya won’t go back into the tunnel, so the guys are going to go drive the car around the mountain… See… this makes no fucking sense.
Meanwhile, back in the cave, her red is absorbed into the ground and then a really hokey puddle turns into a really hokey black hole and a pond somewhere turns black.
Random cutting of shrubberies with machetes…
Mozzies. Australian Mosquitoes. I like it.
Well. One couple is moving right to the sex.
There’s litter there… thought they were, like, exploring?
But the litter has really poorly done CGI insects!
“Looks like weird squid porn if you ask me.”
Nice to listen to two idiots argue about something they both just saw for the first time.
Some little nipper in the shrubberies just bit one of the girls.
A-ha! It was a rabbit!
“They don’t have rabies in Australia.” I wonder if this could be true?
Whoah! That’s a piranha-rabbit.
Who the hell would do that with a animal’s corpse where they’re gonna be sleeping??
“Perfect nights were made like this… beautiful woman’s kiss… a freaky rabbit on a stick…” Yeah. That’s his song. Not bad.
Did that girl just do a horrible Gollum impersonation?
“I’m skinny dipping in the middle of no-where. How does that affect my dignity?” How does this pass for a script?
HOLY SHIT. She had leaches all over her. I’ve had leaches on me. Evil little fuckers with their healing properties and all that.
Well. That’s sure one way to put a damper on the evening.
I love Enya’s nose in profile in firelight.
A week locked in a basement? What the hell?
Dude, if there ARE more rabbits, I want be in a tent!
Is his name actually Boren??
Leaches has got a fever.
“If it were serious, she would be anafalactiod.”
“Anafalactoid? That’s not even a word!”
I would be taking her to the hospital.
RED BACKWASH ALERT!!
Now she’s trying to make out with him?
RED everywhere.
What the hell is she talking about?
This is another version of Paul’s “There’s wasps in my brain!” level freakout.
There’s bugs eating the tents. Poorly done insects.
That happen to be eating the tires.
Oh! Her new teeth are growing in!
“Well, I didn’t tell her to go swimming with leaches, did I?”
Mel. That’s the zombie girl’s name.
She’s eating the rabbit!
Oh, fuck! She’s like, what’s-her-leather-butt from Underworld, leaping all over the place…
How can the car be there to provide the first aid kit if they have to go through the tunnel to… see… this does NOT make sense!
Whoah! She took him DOWN!
STICK! FACE! WHACK!
I… ran out of counting fingers he hit her so many times. She just ran away.
I would kill someone for gummy bears.
No, she is NOT still Mel. She’s a hyper-aggressive kangaroo eating cave-worshipper.
Ok, this is fucking strange. New. She just threw half the kangaroo into the cave, and it QUICKLY decomposed into the cave floor, and something has been… morphing? I can’t tell exactly, it just looks weird. But it changes in it’s weirdness whenever more red is introduced.
I like that camera effect. Mega-zoom.
I like Mel.
“Whoah, whoah, whoah… I know killing shit’s sorta like your default disposition…”
Nice. Zombie-trap building montage.
And torches. Lots of torches.
“No, you’re the BAIT! You don’t get JACK! Try not to get KILLED!”
I am REALLY starting to question if those are real torches. I think they’re all just carrying sticks and then there’s CGI for the flame. I’m not positive, but they’re not ACTING like people carrying torches in the middle of a jungle.
Am I crazy? Now I can’t tell.
“FUCK YOU, branch!” That’s EXACTLY how I felt with the door!
Fuck, I LOVE Mel!
Wow. Holy shit. They actually made that work.
What, exactly, are you gonna do when she breaks out of the tarp and is back running around?
“We have no plan! We have Chad’s sabertoothed girlfriend stuck in a tree!! And… THAT’S IT!!”
“You want a plan? Here’s the plan!! The moment she gets down…” (Interrupted by Mel landing right in front of him)
I call bullshit on the lasso-shit.
Stick to the face AGAIN for the win.
Oh. Shit. Barton’s dead.
Why the fuck was Daze in the water?
Mel is feeding off Barton right in front of them. Warren. Whatever.
There’s something new to this shot that’s different and frightening.
Dragging the remains of the body away…
This feeding scene it… Fuck, I LOVE MEL!!
“We go over there as quickly as we can. Chris, you go in and get it. Anya, don’t forget the pudding.”
“Why would you paint your house orange?”
Dropped a big rock on his head and then started puking. Remember when I was complaining that the worst thing about murder is that you can’t practice to see if you’ve got any innate talent at it? I guess dropping a large rock on a person’s head would suffice to tell if you were going to vomit or not.
Mel is back and Dace is getting up. Not good.
So there’s some plan involving the remaining three of them doing something, but all I can figure out is that they’re kinda running out the clock.
Sorry, Chad, as inspirational speeches go, this one kinda sucks.
Now you’re crying and offering her a stuffed animal??
Chad, you idiot, you deserved to get those fingers bitten off. You know what you did.
If you KNOW the monster is standing right behind you, why not spin around with an elbow or back-fist, since you’re going to be turning to look at it anyway?
Mel appears to be abducting Enya.
Enya… is in the cave.
Why would there still be a sleep roll in the car is they already set up camp?
Dace vs the car is awesome!
Tentacles in the cave? What was that?
Mel and Dace don’t get along. I think Mel is the boss.
“I did what we agreed to do. I lost two fingers.”
Screams coming from the night.
Now Enya is sneaking around in the jungle?
Oh, got the machete.
More sneaking.
I love my train.
I… think Dace is trying to get it on with Mel? Kinda uck.
Primal zombie sex. Uh… It’s unique.
Should buy Chad and Enya more time though.
Very, very detailed fight scene there…
HA!! Two and a Half Men!
Enya is walking backwards through the cave now.
Tentacles? WTF??
“Tentacles… reaching out… touching tentacles… touching me… touching YOU!!”
Chris is there too? And totally fucking mental.
What the HELL is going on with her belly??
We have gone full Tentacle Weirdness, Huston. I’m not sure if we have a problem, but things are getting really fucked up right now. WHAT THE HELL AM I WATCHING?
Machete belly slicing?
Embryonic The Thing creature faces…
And THAT’s what being thrown into a large wall by a CGI worm looks like, ladies and gentlemen!
And, like, Jabba the Hutt is… materializing in CGI in front of her?
It’s… literally… a giant slug head trying to give her oral pleasure.
Uh… chops the penis slug thing into bad CGI red
Then we have another psychedelic Sin City sorta rampage-run through the rest of the tunnel
A flying leap and a roll…
Mel!
Mel now has a broken back.
And Enya has another rock.
Wow. That was a good head-smush.
————End Transmission——————–
Introduction
Introduction
Once again, here we are. Tomorrow is Friday, and I still haven’t heard back regarding the Office Manager position. Hell, I still haven’t heard back from the guy I was chatting with last night about trading some extra 33 inch tires I have for his cargo slide-out bed riser for the van. I’d really like to get the thing before this weekend, since I think we’re taking a run down to the Christmas Valley Sand Dunes to play with our new drone.
I hope to hear something positive job related tomorrow. Maybe not hear- I hope to receive something positive job related tomorrow. I’ve just scrapped this week in regards to the gym or healthy eating. It’s as if since I’m feeling anxious about the employment question, I’ve simply given up any semblance of trying in any other part of my life and am just sliding until I find out an answer to the anxiousness.
Nothing I do is helpful to me, not in the long run. I am my own worst enemy, but I can’t think of any specific wrong I need satisfaction for redressing. I’m tired. Yawning. Can’t focus. Got a big mason jar of coffee sitting next to me, but I don’t want to drink it.
I think this is just me being a bit whiney about wanting to sleep. Crap- just remembered that I need to meet the contractors to do a quick mapping of the property and utilities and whatnot for the new house construction permit. Also need to pack the van. Ok. I can do this.
I got a lot of cleaning taken care of last night, I just need to do the dishes and we’ll be pretty caught up on the whole adulting thing. I can’t really find anything that I care enough to think about enough to come up with any witty or interesting observations. I feel like I could just shut down and sleep here where I’m sitting on the couch. All I need to do is commit to resting my head on my chest and not thinking. I can’t do that.
The inside of my head has it’s own soundtrack, and concurrent conversation, as well as interesting sounding voices repeating interesting sounding phrases. Example: I can have a Duran Duran song playing in my head while I curse myself out (in my own voice for some failing I’m stuck remembering) and then there’s a third voice- lately with a British accent- saying British sounding things repeatedly like “Oi! What’s all this then, Guv’nor?”.
Any attempt at mic’ing my internal monologue is going to result in the smoking overloaded slags of the recording devices attempted. I’m powered by funk. I’m running out of clothes that fit me; I can’t figure out how to lose weight. I keep thinking I need to go back to lifting weights, but…
The last time I got into that, I also continually got into conflict with other people at the gym who took weights and bars and such off to their “private” corner where they lord over their fitness horde like Smaug while exploring the most recent Tik-Toks on their phone. There is exactly one preacher-curl bar and they’ve decided they need it close at hand for the entire two hours of their workout, even though they’re only going to do 3 sets of 10 reps with it over the course of 1/12th of a day.
It’s important to them that their personal space is respected, and how dare you initiate a conversation with them while they have ear-buds in? I got into a yelling match; each of us were mere grains of Pre away from pushing the first shove- with one kid who claimed they “were using” the bar even though neither he nor his training partner were anywhere near “their station” when I wandered over, picked it up, and began my set.
We spent 10 times longer fighting about whether it’s good gym etiquette to set aside equipment that only you can use or whether I intentionally being an asshole by ignoring the fact that they’d set equipment aside and using it anyway than it would have taken for him to just keep his mouth shut while I finished my set and then wandered off for the next exercise in the routine.
Unfortunately, if I’m being honest, I’d yelled at the kid to shut the fuck up in the pool a few days earlier when he and his buddies were hooting in order to hear the echo. I stepped out of the sauna, pointed at him, and said “You’re going to shut the fuck up.” before turning to go back into the steam. On the way out, he was staring at me, so I shot him with my index finger pistol and winked at him to show that there’s no hard feelings and that I’d love for him to be upset to the point that we start hitting each other.
Now that I think of it, I’m a bit hesitant to get into a fistfight while only wearing a swim-suit. I can only imagine the inevitable “shorts falling down” and then the difficulty of winning a fight while both holding your pants up with one hand and your dignity intact through sheer force and effort of will.
(1/19/2023)
So, here’s a good example of what it’s like to be off Prozac and Wellbutrin. I was leaving the grocery store a couple days ago, and the automatic sliding door glitched; it began closing as I approached. My instinct, and where I found my body going, was to tense up and lead with the shoulder and batter my way through.
I caught myself, obviously, but I caught myself after I’d already sized up the movement and… strength? of the door, and was placing my feet according to best leverage and velocity when I did strike the door. It was like lining up on a football field, and there’s the snap, and you’re running at some guy, anticipating his moves, trying to get a hit on him when he’s unstable so he’ll go down… that was the approach my mind and body locked into, even took a step through, before I had the moment of clarity that if I smashed into the big glass door, everyone was going to look at me.
That was what made me pause, first- the fear of being noticed. Then I realized what a fucking asshole I’d look like, especially when I confirmed to people that no, it wasn’t an accident, it just picked a fight with me and I wasn’t in the mood to back down. That’s what being unmedicated feels like to me.
I’m at war, all the time, and it’s completely personal. I ate a couple mushrooms before the gym today. I did my usual hour on the treadmill with the mile and a half run, but then after cooling and stretching a bit, I got back on for another mile plus more incline. It felt great. I made it to the locker room before I realized how hard I was actually tripping.
The carpet was getting swirly and the counters were liquid in their glossy. Or maybe they were just wet. But my shine was on, so hard that I sat in the car for a half hour in the parking lot simply being. I kept sort of “coming to” and realizing I was just sitting there, staring into space, but it felt so good I just let it roll. I drove back to town and then went down to watch the river for a bit before running the rest of the errands I had.
I watched a guy lock his cat in an SUV, as well as some guy in a neon safety jacket flying a drone for a bit. I stared into space a lot too, as well as imaging the trees on the other side of the river bank as being gnomish little creatures watching me.
I finally made it down to the head shop, and as I parked, I recognized both of the vehicles parked in the employee spots. When I walked in though, I saw three people behind the counter that I’ve never seen before and neither of the workers that I expected to see. When one of the three came to help me at the counter, I told him that I was pretty sure that I’d just walked into a robbery and that the employees were tied up in the back and the guy helping me was part of the robber gang that realized it had to pretend to be a retail associates for the unexpected customer. Like, I expected the two who weren’t helping me to be in an angry hissing fight about who was supposed to lock the door and turn off the “Open” sign. I was lucky to get out of there with my life.
So. I did end up hearing back about the Office Manager position- I didn’t get it. I replied to the rejection email “I can’t say I fault your judgement. Although I walked out of our interview chuckling with good humor, upon reflection I realized that I’d left some very good answers on the table.” And then I wished him well, and felt relieved that I don’t have to cancel the 9 day snowshoe backpacking trip my buddy and I have planned.
We went out to dinner last night- the three of us, and either the cheese of the pizza or the cheese of the cheesecake or even just the sheer net weight of grease if playing fuck-monkey-hell with my stomach. I’ve been burping sulfurous bile-ghost, bad enough that my Pitbull sat down and stared at me in pity after I blew one in her face.
I haven’t eaten… really, anything of consequence. I’m over 170lbs. I can’t reverse the slide. I feel strong, but my body hurts.
Finally got some good footage of the van on the go-pro whooping through the sand dunes, and I flew my drone for the first time. I didn’t crash it. I was very afraid of wrecking it. It was more like I wanted to put it in a glass case to be able to point at and say “That’s mine.” with the insinuation that some day I will risk to operate it.
My personal saying is “I shouldn’t be in charge of anything.”. I’m good at fucking up. I have another interview scheduled for Monday. I’m going to see about being a cog in the inventory management side of fulfilment for a seed company. Or something. I’m not quite sure, but fuck, it looks slightly more interesting than wasting my life staring at my phone. And it pays some money, which would be nice to be able to give to my wife. I am most definitely in the middle of one hell of a mid-life crisis, and I think at the moment I’m going to take a mushroom with some coffee and then figure out what to review tonight.
(1:07 the next morning)
Wow. Netflix’s All Quiet on the Western Front’s remake is pretty spectacular. I’m going to have to watch it without mushrooms to make sure though. Sure is different from the original though, or maybe I missed something the few times I’ve watched it? Or maybe this version is truer to the book?
It’s been forever since I read it, although I can still remember the cover of the paperback version I read, where his dead, outstretched hand has a butterfly on it. I think that was it. I don’t remember that general or all the trains and armistice stuff. Wow. And I’m still burping up… shit. I’ll call it mustard gas, although the truth is I’m eating raw green beens. Sooo… Bean gas. “More beans, Mr. Taggart?” “I do believe you’ve had enough!” The cultured will understand. Since it’s 1 something in the morning and I’m yawning, I think I’ll off to be with the puppy snuggles and return to finish work tomorrow night.
(1/20/2023)
It’s been, like… almost 24 hours since I was quoting Blazing Saddles, so I think it’s about time to hit the movie. Had a great time at the gym, even spent a good chunk in the pool stretching out and getting some slow and easy laps in. I realized it’s been more than 20 years since I swam on mushrooms. Water is so fucking cool. Step Into Liquid.
At the moment though, I have a right ear half full of water, so hearing is annoying and keeps fading a degree in or out, but never completely obstructing or resolving. Fucking analogy for life right there, mind you. I have recently lost a space heater and two small kitchen egg timers that I purchased a couple days ago. How the fuck do you lose a space heater? I wonder if I just left them in my cart and drove off? The danger of being a stoner.
Primal “A group of friends travel into the Australian wilds to view ancient cave paintings but soon find a horrible sickness gripping one of their own, which leaves them with nothing in their mind but a primal blood lust.” Soo… Nice. I’m in. I figure any continent that was populated by convicts for three centuries and has spiders the size and speed of a Tesla… uh… I don’t remember how I was going to finish that sentence.
Something about being a bad place to live and an easy place to die. I wonder, is that used already? I really like it. I’m gonna go back and underline it. There’s something that feels… opus-ish, catalystic, pregnant in that statement. There could be more to come. And a fast zombie movie caused by paintings? I mean… I’ve pulled the trigger on worse. I assume. Ha. You. Me.