Scout’s Guide to The Zombie Apocalypse
Overall Recommendation
Recommendation?
Man, that was really fucking good. Like, I can see that becoming a cult classic in it’s own right. Has it already? Maybe that’s what having 1500 reviews and a 4.5 score means? Cult classic? Regardless, if you want to get your Superbad or Buffy vibe on, if you loved Weird Science, if Shaun made you laugh; this is a great movie for you. For me? I fucking loved it, although they took the sexual comedy humor just a tad too far in one or two scenes. I don’t like to think of myself as a prude, fuck, I worked a couple years in the adult industry, even, but there’s a blend of dark comedy and sex and zombie “eating” that sometimes doesn’t sit right. Same as pulling the zombie’s penis off. Same thing as copping a feel (bad pun) on a corpse just because it has amazing breasts and you have the opportunity. It’s like the masturbation scene in Grandma’s Boy. I didn’t need to see it. I could have been told about it happening. And I know that’s hypocritical of me, since I’m always complaining that they did something off screen, but some things… better left off the screen and on the cutting room floor. That said. Really fucking good. It’s Superbad meets Weird Science with just enough Shaun nods that it’s firmly in it’s groove. It’s a movie that set out to be a movie, but also to have a good time being that movie. If you want proof, the mobility scooter zombie’s faint “Whee” when it goes over the bump is the proof. Did you see that X-files where Burt Reynolds is God? Remember that good feeling you got in your stomach watching him happily dancing? This movie will give you that same happy dancing feeling. If I had to be critical, I’d say that it suffered from being too big to be completely independent.
Plot Autopsy
Plot Autopsy
- Being a scout is a virginity-lock
- If we did “SuperBad” with zombie’s it’d be fucking hilarious!
- Wait! Let’s add a really hot chick like in Weird Science too!
- We need to have some serious conversations so this movie has substance.
- Buncha killing zombie chaos at a rave. It’s not as migrainistic as it sounds. Really.
- Total and complete happy ending. Smooch-smooch.
Zombie Description
Zombie Description
These were fast, smart zombies. Who did really dumb things whenever it was necessary for a laugh. These zombies were (probably intentionally) some of the most blandly all-inclusive of anything that’s identifiable as being part of a zombie movie. I kinda mean that it’s zombies aren’t really it’s own zombies. Think of it more like the characters are running randomly through different zombie movies, and they have to deal with the zombie rules of whatever movie they happen to be in. These zombies weren’t even really zombies, in that they were simply the foil or straight man for the jokes and set-ups. I’m not saying that the effects weren’t top notch or anything, I’m more saying that the zombies could have easily been vampires and we’d have essentially the same movie. Except it’d suck, ‘cause it’s about vampires. (pun intended)
Where the money went
Where the money went
This is a professional movie with real actors and accountants and budget and schedule and planning in advance and re-shoots and not being rushed to get it all done in the weekend we have the building rented for. In other words, this has to be considered against all other big studio backed films. This runs with 28, Dawn (remake), Shaun- this movie doesn’t have any excuse to not land it’s lines and hit it’s ques, and it does a great job of it. They had a little too much money available in the special effects and props and whatnot. Even if you CAN afford to show that much zombie penis for that long in that much detail doesn’t necessarily mean that you should.
Best Weapon
Best Weapon
There were so many made up weapons here- I mean, they had a whole montage about three scouts left loose in a True Value hardware store and all the weapons they could build. They also build a bomb. Is that still a good thing? Is that still funny? Kids building bombs? I have no idea what’s acceptable these days. But I don’t want to give any of those “made up during the montage” weapons here- even though Augie’s… ball bearing blaster is some kind of wonderful, because they were made for the sake of making them. It’s like this woman I used to know who “collected” M&M stuff. What that meant was she bought lots of plastic M&M characters and shit on schedule as they released new ones. They were pointless, they did nothing, they had no value, they’re only produced to spoon-feed them to the mooing consumers… I mean, no, not that much against the “inventing weapons ‘cause that’s what scouts would do” thing, I honestly just don’t think that anything (sorry Augie) they came up with was better than two friends playing a joke on a sleeping friend so that he wakes up by smashing his face into one of their butts. See? It doesn’t make sense as to how it even got included here, but I laughed my ass off. Either the nose-to-butt-breaker or the melted-marshmallow-fling. I’m putting kitten gloves on the best weapon for this one. The comedy inclusions out-performed the action offerings.
Can I get a hand?
Can I get a hand?
There were some great zombie genre classics. No, I don’t think there were any “Rising from the grave” hands bursting out, but Rod there in the beginning, he did a great bloody hand-slap on the window. Pulled sideways streaks and everything. And then when Augie was (unfortunately) in the bathroom with the window open, and he stands up just in time to not be grabbed? And he’s completely clueless? This movie did a great job nodding to the classics while keeping everything fresh. It’s hard to make an intelligent zombie movie, and I wouldn’t say this is any exception, but it leaves a good flavor in your mouth. You don’t feel insulted.
That was new!
That was new!
Jesus, there were too many new things to really dig into it all, but here’s a list of things that were a first that I don’t want to see (or hear) again in my zombie movies.
- Zombie penis being torn off
- Anything sexual (the penis ripping off was… more… taffy than sexual)
- Zombie boobs in slow motion (see #2 above)
- An elderly, toothless zombie gumming a screaming boy’s buttock
- A chubby ginger pooping
Review Notes
Review Notes
Ahem. I had to rewind and watch that again. I’m coughing too hard to remember who the artist is, but that kid dancing with his mop is the level of loving your job that I’ve never felt.
Ok. So, it goes from dancing to a blue lab, and I REALLY want to rewind it to watch the intro again.
This kid is willing to lick anything.
I have that same issue when I’m wearing headphones.
ET phone… no, wait…
Ron. That’s his name. Not the veins guy.
“D.O.D.? What kind of name is Dod?”
I have that same relationship with technology.
I do not have that same relationship with any corpses.
Tic-Tacs? No-one likes!
AAAGAH!! Yuck! And not just orange tic-tacs yuck!
We have our first zombie… Really well done! Strong! Prone to throwing Ron.
Ron…such great hand-smears, Ron.
Not so smart now, huh? I’ve never had that relationship with a vending machine.
Oh, fuck! Zombie Ron is better than wall-twerking Ron!
We have an intro.
And a scouting video! I think this scoutmaster… I’ve seen him before.
We have three loser scouts and a single loser coach.
Two scouts want out.
Hat wants women.
“If we’re sitting here, in these uniforms? It’s going to be the male equivalent of a chastity belt.”
Hits a dear.
Kid shit himself!
“You hood-fucked Bambie!”
A flat. A donut. I like this kid. The one in a hat. The one with a sister. Kendall. Bronco.
Boyfriend, football, face.
I like Carter’s style. Hablo espanol tambien!
The little brother zone… worse than the friend zone.
The deer is gone. Do do do do do do do do. Figure it out.
Bronco.
I have to admit, I was Carter.
No civic would still be running after that deer.
Carter’s plan sounds very Superbad. I think I was onto something.
Jesus, that’s a mean old woman.
So… many cats. And… don’t want to hear that again.
I do a lot of backpacking and I love that type. Damn, he brought everything!
Zombie buck!
“A word! C word! All the other words!”
So gross. So fucking gross.
Ok, kinda got me. Sorta got me. That’s the end of the toupee.
Man, this is just a re-do of Superbad! Someone said “Let’s do Superbad with zombies!” and then they made this movie.
A stripper legend, a drunk buying pool toys.
A mess. Looks like she’s already smashed heads with someone else before.
“Lawrence of Alabia” It’s not a literal quote, but it’s worth including!
Yeah, sort of Weird Science mixed with Superbad.
That’s inappropriate footwear. There’s nothing I can’s stand worse than inappropriate footwear.
And yeah, that’s sort of one way to camp.
*that’s* more my style.
Oh! Brutal! The nose-breaker! Is that a weapon? I think so!
Great camp-setting up montage!
A flying marshmallow! Yeah, *THAT’S* a weapon!
Oh, something bad happened to Augie’s dad. Aside from having to touch Carter’s butt.
Scouts forever? Then you’d take care of that fucking fire. Don’t leave anything burning!
A sneak-out!
A rave!
Girls making out!
Hoola-hoop vision! Dizzy!
I have mad tracking skills too. So good they’re considered “skillz”.
“Dude, he is sitting at home dressed up like Dolly Parton listening to show tunes!”
Oh jeeze. The friendship is crumbling.
The tragic figure which is Augie.
A deserted town. Back at the liquor store.
I change in public all the time!
Broken glass!
Let’s sneak in! Totally! I was Carter.
This is the Hal 3000 build of a strip club
Too many veins on that stripper…
IcK! AWW!
Screaming and running and that was gross!
These are kinda smart zombies. Hunting zombies. With cats eyes, maybe?
Ok, that was new. Blood on tap from a broken whiskey bottle used as a weapon. Look, you just had to be there. But it’s new. I mean, it’s old, in that Idle Hands already “did” it, with Seth Greene’s character, but this… this one is uncorked. Ick!
“You’re the stripper!”
(Cocks .12g shotgun) “Cocktail Waitress”
I *was* wondering…
Augie with the B&E!
Wasn’t kidding about the Dolly…
Bird calls?
Everything… is Dolly. Holy cow is right!
The “proof of zombie” is perfect, and then the approaching!
The tire! Doesn’t exactly rival 28’s tire changing scene, but it’s a good one!
Is this… a mutant zombie? Why is he loping?
Didn’t need to hear Augie pooping. Appreciate his concern for the environment though.
Nice grasping hand!
Where’d he go?
So. To recap, there was funny zombie chase to Dolly, and then scary zombie chase in the basement, and then the classic “Spray can & lighter” flamethrower. Augie settled things down with a paddle though!
Zombie cop with a gun!
Probably one of the best “Distract the zombie with a fire extinguisher and then sink an axe into the back of his head” technique’s I’ve seen.
I paused it while they’re running at me and it’s amazing how much taller she is.
Lotta running away from a green shirt…
Well, the three are safe in a cage now. Not that safe.
Augie… doesn’t do the right thing.
The Zombie learns about gravity.
Nothing to do when you’re locked in a cell than take selfies, I guess. I never really looked at my memories of cell-time and thought “You know, I wish I had a selfie from *that* arrest!”
“Hostile is three seconds from now when my foot’s up your ass.” I like her.
Carter deals with stress well. I… yeah.
She self-destructs with bad men.
Good talk!
What the fuck are they doing with the condoms!
Augie! I love you!
“How’d you find us?”
“I followed the stench of betrayal.”
I’m pausing due to being traumatized. Kinda sickened, too. That’s not ok. It’s not exactly necrophilia, but they fucking stop being “mesmerizing to play with” once she dies. It’s not exactly new, it goes against the current grain of “get consent”, and it’s gross. I tried to enjoy it, but I couldn’t. Like eating spoiled lobster.
“I touched them! I touched them! I don’t think they were real…”
“You know they say humans taste like pork.”
“They?”
This fucking…
“Did I drop acid? Or are they really singing Britney Spears at the zombie.” Yeah. That fucking sums it up. I’m glad I don’t have to try to explain.
Some army guy with the headshot…
And the three begin their breakdown… I was once in a band that this happened to. At a random practice the drummer drank way too much and sat there telling everyone in the band what everyone else in the band had said about them. Things got ugly. Sucked, ‘cause we’d just gotten into a big local battle of the bands and we sounded pretty good every once in a while. When the drummer wasn’t shitfaced. Or the bassist. (me) Or the lead guitarist, who had the worst fucking ADHD and such a hard-on for Led Zeppelin that he’d random lose where he was in our song and veer off into an amphetamine-speed rendition of something Page-ish.
Army guy has been bit!
“Wawaweewa”
So, they gonna get bombed. Says the army radio.
Good zombie head-smashing in with the door.
Jesus, she has long legs. Fucking X-Files mutant going over that fence.
“Wow. It smells like pixie sticks and hope in here!”
“Call me when your balls drop, dude.”
Such a weird science moment.
My wife and I have a habit of that very head-smash. It’s usually when the pit-bull has tried to jump up into the jeep or truck and failed miserably and we’re both trying to help her not fall… but I swear, it’s a matter of time until someone is unconscious.
Such a weird science moment. Even with the Zombie on the bouncy thing.
I played lacrosse, too.
Jeeze, Augie, let it go!
So… a lot of (the pit just farted next to me. Wonderful.) zombie chaos and fighting and screaming… and (she just ripped again!) I’ve never seen an elderly zombie lose her dentures and gum a teenager’s buttock. (Fucking ripped again! Just keeps snoring away). I don’t think I’ve ever seen a broken window used as a guillotine, either, but that barely processes after watching the buttocks-sucking.
Never seen that before…
A fence jumping scene that rivals… well, ALMOST rivals Shaun. Seeing Frost plow down that fence is always good for a laugh. That’s a classic in the genre in itself.
“I’m afraid of heights!”
“Be more afraid of zombies!”
The fence jumping scene has been spoiled for me by the zombie penis pulling off scene. This one was aimed a little lower than middle-aged stoners, but I definitely appreciate it for the newness of the… fuck. I just want to go take a shower right now.
I think we have a zombie cat on… Well, on Augie.
Being chased by a herd zombie cats. That’s new.
And that’s how you drive a Cadillac.
The mobility scooter-zombie… “Whoah!” I can’t stop grinning!
And she’s riding off into the night to save the day. I think I missed something.
“That was a really good speech, Ben.” No, it was painful…
I like True Value.
Gangster-ass montage of classic levelling up. Building weapons. Tearing sleeves. Strapping on bandoliers.
Never play chess against this woman. I like her style.
I didn’t need to see that.
Classic possessiveness scene with a different come-uppance
Zombies rush the rave. Chaos.
I have no idea what it cost to use Scorpions’ “Hurricane” but it’s fucking bad-ass.
They all have their improvised weapons- Augie’s needs to be nerf’d a bit.
Slow-motion side-view of a zombie’s head exploding. Like in a YouTube firearm video.
So much zombie-killing action and excitement!
The constant screaming and strobe lights are a bit much
All the weapons are out of ammo, so we’re back to running around.
Trapped in an old gym…
“What is that?”
“It’s a bomb.”
“You made a bomb?”
“What are you? The Taliban?”
Last minute conversations about the meaning of Christmas. I mean, Scouting.
These guys get back together more often than Motley Crue.
I want to ride the yellow garbage… wait. So the party WAS at the municipal waste place? I think they just moved the party to use the slide.
And the military shows up to save the day!
Back at the refugee camp, love blossoms.
Nice ending.
Bird shit on a decapitated talking head closes the curtain.
————End Transmission——————–
Introduction
Introduction
Thoughts? I deserve this. I’m staying up later than I should be, but that’s my own fault. But I deserve this movie. At least, I hope I do? I’ve had this one tucked away for a while now; I think it first got on my radar when it was released, but I’ve avoided it since. I’m not sure why.
I have something sort of against Scouting, but mainly in a “Don’t tell me what to do” way than anything specific to running around in Brown Shirts. I just don’t like being told what to do. By anyone.
And there’s something about the cover of this that reminds me of Superbad, which isn’t a superbad thing, since Superbad was a pretty funny movie, but I think back 6 years ago I made a snap decision that this was going to be one of those movies composed of idiots screaming in a car while screeching all over the place.
And you know, Ricky Bobby, I just haven’t been in the mood for that in, evidently, a while. Speaking of Superbad though, I once had a dream that was just a bunch of scenes from Superbad, except Vin Diesel was playing the role of McLovin. It was a pretty fucked up dream, but it was really funny, too. Like Superbad.
I can’t say I like much of Vin Diesel’s catalog- primarily ‘cause I won’t touch the F&F Franchise with a 10 foot stick (If I want cars drifting and sliding all over the place, I’ll just watch Peninsula again) but I’m not going to say the guy can’t act. I’m not going to say that he can, either. I just feel like he has the capacity for self-analysis and self-demeaning humor.
It’s kinda like when you know that you’re essentially the Predator without his suit, you don’t mind making jokes about yourself. And I think that’s sort of where Vin is. As for who would win in a fight between him and The Rock? That’s a hard one. I generally don’t bet against Islanders for a fight, but Vin could well be part machine too, and that’s a hard thing to go up against.
So anyway, I’ve been sitting here not-working for a good chunk of the evening and now I’m gonna do some work. I need a coffee, I think I already have enough in the tank for this intro.
So, The Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse. You know what I think it is? I think I really dislike the way the title is printed against the background poster. Like, it’s all dramatic with Scouts Guide and Zombie Apocalypse front and center, with “to the” just being minimized in the center of some nice white stripes.
It looks more like the logo of some corporate airlines chain as it’d be painted on the hood of a Nascar sponsorship. Above the fold, as it were, there’s a yelling kid, a guy who reminds me of Frog from uh, Lost Boys, and a heavily made-up blonde in a wife-beater. Below the fold there’s another face, a crotch, a weapon… the whole thing is bordered in purple.
Look. It’s just not something that I’ve been willing to take seriously up until now. I’ve been siloing it in with the Disney Zombie offerings, and probably on the basis of purple isn’t a real zombie color than anything else. But I said that this has been on my radar, and it has- and I’ve slowly been looking at the 4.5 stars with 6,487 reviews for a while now wondering to myself “What does it feel like to watch a good zombie movie?”
I know they’re out there- I have my favorites. Anything with Mantan Mooreland is pure gold, most of Romero’s landed well, we’ve got 28 and WWZ and the Dawn remake- these are all good zombie movies. Even the Zombieland twins have good in them.
And this Scouts Guide, it could be one of those “that good” movies. I’m not gonna set any goals or hopes or expectations, but we can phrase things this way. When you’re gonna do something, sometimes you have a rough idea of how things are gonna turn out. “This is gonna hurt” or “This is gonna be cool”. Simple predictions like that. Or at least, I do. That’s how I plan things.
And I’ve been intentionally walking into a LOT of walls recently, meaning, I’ve been banging my head on inconsequential horrible zombie movies. I’ve been reviewing the bad ones, the 3 or 3.5 stars, the 37 people reviewed… I’ve been putting in work, grueling work, grinding, making sure I’m bringing only the best of an honest representation of what a crapshoot our genre is these days.
It’s like anyone with a video camera and a can of tomato paste can get their “work” up on Amazon, and then I’m all like “Ooooh, it’s only 99 cents to rent?” and then two hours later I’m writing a bitter review about the pains of wasted youth and spilled wine.
So, like, why am I finally giving this one a run? The answer is as simple as it’s slippery- I have no reason not to. I’ve avoided this dance like a skinny braced-up suspenders-wearing hushpuppy shuffling skirt-hugging white-bread wall-flower, and I really can’t give you a good reason why.
I think this is one of those things that you go into wanting to dislike. Even excited to see what could get such positive reviews, I’m still hesitant with “but it’s purple!” and 12 year old me is really dragging his feet.
“When their peaceful town is ravaged by a zombie invasion, three scouts and one badass cocktail waitress will fight for the badge of a lifetime and put their scouting skills to the test to save mankind from the undead.” Ok. I don’t think I have any issues here.
I mean, I’m not sure what a badass cocktail waitress is. Is that a good thing? Do you pay more in tips? When I think of badass cocktail waitresses and the costs incurred, it’s more in vein of dating them; dented cars and not getting paid back for bail.
Do you remember that part in Weird Science where they’re driving around in the pink convertible? It’s either right before or right after the uncomfortable jazz and race scene. But it’s the two idiots and the girl and that’s kinda what I expect from this.
I mean, not really. That’s not fair. But I don’t think this is going to have “Game over, man, game over!” Chet, but since this *is* rated R, maybe weird science will get to run it’s natural course this time.
The one thing I think is hokey? The “Fight for a badge of a lifetime”. The Badges thing. We don’t need no stinking badges! I was a cub scout for about 2 weeks and things didn’t go well. That whole “don’t tell me what to do” thing, plus, they didn’t explain shit to me.
They just told me do this, don’t do that, and long story short, the John Birch Society and I parted ways quickly. I only joined to hang out with a friend of mine whose father was in the navy and serving on The Nemesis.
I learned the word Nemesis from my friend; he had a navy hat with the ship and the name and he explained it to me. I didn’t understand that some kids don’t have both parents at home. Not for a few more years when my own parents split up, at least.
So what do I really have against this movie? I think the title reminds me kinda of Stripper Zombies, and I’ve already effused upon why I’m hesitant to bite that apple. Maybe we can just agree to look at it this way. I think that zombie movie covers should look a certain way, and this movie doesn’t look right.
But that said, I think I’m in for a good one tonight. I feel like years ago, I found a cookie, and I nestled it away for a not-exactly-rainy-but-still-crappy February night, and earlier today I decided it was cookie-time. How do I feel about the comedic bent? I’m hesitant yet hopeful.
Shaun is possibly the GOAT, and it’s a comedy, so I have to keep an open mind, but also, adding in comedy is where so many in the genre go wrong. Look at that stupid Re-Elected farce. Let’s add that I’ve had a messed up tummy for almost a week now and you’re kinda getting the feel. I’m tired and a bit queasy and highly caffeinated and even higherly high. And counting.