Undead – The Stoner's Guide to Zombie Movies

Recommendation

Plot Autopsy

Zombie Description

Where the money went

Undead

Overall Recommendation

Recommendation?

Mostly harmless and the perfect movie to watch with a younger cousin or whatnot to introduce them to the genre. It’s a real zombie movie, but it’s not really scary. It’s not even that gory. I mean, comparatively. Look, if gore is something you’re concerned about don’t watch zombie movies with your younger cousins. It’s overly complicated in it’s plot to the point of giggling at B-grade movement devices, there’s a good amount of repetition, but then there’s also the fact that this is one of the strangest and most original zombie movies to come out in a while. Yes, this did borrow quite heavily in it’s “feel” from Mars Attacks, as well as a couple other little here and there from other minds, but the overall storyline, while pretty incoherent, was new. The relationship with CGI and live ammunition was a balance of true genius. There was only one point where the CGI made me chortle, and that’s helicopters. Look. They’re impossible to get correct. Stop trying. But the zombies were great, the gore was great, the genre awareness was on point. Sure, some of it was dumb, but they went for dumb with a swing for the fences enthusiasm that mostly panned out. Did KFP being so good with guns add anything to the movie? Nope. There were a few misses such as that. I suppose the casting could have been a little bit stronger. Rene, hats off. Andy, you too. But the pregnant couple spent the movie being loud and annoying and most insultingly repetitive. But come on! This genre is built on repetition. When in doubt, show people shooting zombies. And boy oh boy did they ever! The music and sounds- the background ambiance- was great. I didn’t care for the Looney Tunes slapstick sounds, but then again, I think that this would have been better with less humor or a different emphasis of humor, but I’m not sure. The phases of this movie are disjointed as well, leading to a continual “What’s next?” of weirdness. It starts horror with too many characters, then it goes science fiction, and throughout the whole thing nothing is really explained all that well. But if you’re looking for shooting and snarling and hands smashing through sheetrock to grab characters, this is your jam. If you like hooded reptilian alien nudists, this is in your wheelhouse. If you like old vans, we got something for you! If you giggle at a pair of torso-less legs tottering around the room before getting shot in the nuts, well, you simply *cannot* not see this. This movie does a great job of putting in effort while not taking itself too seriously and deserves respect for balancing its vision and weirdness without losing touch with professionally presenting the basics.

Plot Autopsy

Asteroids hit a sleepy little town
Rene and half the town break into KFP’s house
Running gun battle against the zombies that moves from subbasement to upstairs
Trying to flee, there’s a giant wall
Talk to the aliens, let them… throw water at your face
Everyone is floating through the night sky like a really strange mushroom trip dream

Zombie Description

Where the hell do I start? What do I know exactly? Ummm… So these zombies are people who have been infected with something from the asteroid, and the water that people think is burning them actually is healing them and cleansing them of the zombie-whatever. I *think*. And the zombies need to get headshots, and they retain a tad bit of memory, and they definitely eat brains. But watching a zombie turn into a confused person, then float up on a beam of light into the night sky where they hang there suspended as if on an invisible cross, until everyone has been rained on (that’s what they THINK) and then they all float back down and are normal people again? This is the most confusing zombie-reasons that I’ve ever encountered. Additionally, the movie used the special effect of the zombies springing up to death. Everything in moderation.

Where the money went

Ranked as most expensive meaning costing the most per second, I’d say that the prosthetic arm that they put a watch on and then shot the shit out of probably cost the most in this movie, but honestly, all the zombie effects were good. Damn near all the special effects were good. Some of the actors got talent, too, which is always appreciated. I think a lot of the budget went up noses for the script to end up such a convoluted mess. Have you ever gotten an over-stuffed burrito that just blows out and you’re left there eating the remains with a fork? That’s kinda like this movie. They crammed so much stuff into it that it all kinda lost focus and got a little mushy. Not saying it tastes less in any way, but the texture of the food is different. I’m going to give gold stars for real guns and ammo being used, as well as the quality of blood used. THIS is the gold standard of what blood should look like.

Best Weapon

This is a hard one. Mainly because there was a good amount of new stuff here, but I felt condescended to, as if they felt that I wanted new weapons so they added some in to make me happy. I think the best weapon in this is the ability to suspend belief long enough to believe that KFP wanders around with 8 pistols crammed in his ass-crack.

Can I get a hand?

There were multiple “Hand punching through” scenes here. At least two. I think more. But like everything else, they were well executed. Hands smashed through walls, hands smashed thorough rows of liquor bottles… Once again, we’re handicapped by the zombie origin, or rather, I guess it’s not that- ‘cause in Romero’s NOTLD it was caused by an asteroid too. But the point is that these are, like… space virus infected people zombies, so there’s no crawling out the grave at all. Pity.

That was new!

There was a LOT new here, but the win goes to the surreal night sky full of floating people. I didn’t know what to expect when he breached the clouds, but that was amazing. It is a very beautifully done scene. It’s fucking art. Stills should be blown up and sold as posters. And then when the plane started Thonking it’s way through them, and then his wife pitches through the windshield… that’s fucking zombie horror movie, baby! YEAH! It’s taking something we love and making it scary. It’s removing hope and replacing it with dread. It’s frantically looking for a loved one, only to have them reach hungrily for you when you approach. A couple other firsts… I’ve never heard a character be scared so repetitiously that it sounded like a porn movie. “AH! AH! AH! AH! AH!” That got on my nerves fast. I guess it’s worth noting that this is- I believe at this moment?- to be the only “and then everyone got better in the end” zombie movies I’ve seen. I’ve seen where there’s a vaccination, but never where zombies are turning back into the people that they used to be. That was new, and if you know me, you know how I want these movies to end- with someone locked in a dark closet, crying, as decayed hands batter at the door. I wiggle around in the despair like a dog in shit. I generally hate happy endings. I wouldn’t say this is a happy ending hate-it movie, but if you would have told me I’d like a movie where all the zombies get well at the end, I’d have laughed. If you tried to explain this movie to me, I’m sure I would have laughed. But thing is, I watched the movie, and I laughed.

Review Notes

We start with a comet or something flying though space, then it splits into three chunks, and one of the chunks heads towards earth. Will subsequent sequels cover what happens with the non-terrestrial stuff?

A woman in a blue room. Evil pen fiddling. Strange lights.

Chip. Chip. Sounds sleazy. Not the name. His voice.

She looks petrified.

She’s like a mute Gillian Anderson.

Wow. We meet some guy boasting into the phone. He’s charmingly witty and articulate, so I’m gonna call him ‘Ludes. After “People… On Ludes… Should not drive.” I think that’s it. How do you spell Sean Pean’s name? Shawn Pen? Jesus. The guy who smashes paparazzi and marries Madonna.

Sounds like everyone is Australian.

Wayne sounds inbred.

Something about a guy thinking he was abducted. They run a charter service. Like, a plane charter. Pilots for hire.

Something about a space alien.

Officer… looks like she’s talking to her own twin.

Wow. No idea what that guy just said, but its angry and crazy.

Looks like the woman is Rene. A beauty queen of some farm town sort. She lost the family farm.

Ludes will be killed. I insist. Even if it does appear that he loves sport wagons too.

Whole bunch of Norman Rockwell shit. Well, the inbred convict penal colony version of Norman Rockwell.

Asteroids coming down and… smoting people.

A growling sound? Like, a dinosaur?

We got a golfer with a hole though his chest, some dude says “Bugger me!”, and then his head violently and quickly exits stage left, leaving rest of torso center stage. Then the screen gets red on it.

Nice smoke effects. But that title really nudged Mars Attacks territory.

A car accident. More meteors.

Ludes is mansplaining car accidents.

Corpse in the driver seat, blood stain on the passenger side

I think Ludes just got bit. Which would be awesome. I already hate him.

Well, I think he’s under the car. Like, dragged there by a zombie.

They’re not making this easy to explain. We KNOW there’s a zombie but we haven’t seen it, but it’s shaking the car while the hero lady falls off and gets the cut on her head.

She looks under the car where Ludes got dragged. Nothing. Not even blood?

And then there’s… a new zombie on the hood. Against what I can only describe as a “end of days religious theme” of the sun shining a bright ray onto the zombie’s head while poorly CGI clouds are edited in behind him.

And then he jumps and she splits him with her Katana/The Club

Zombie Ludes!

A shotgun!

A… strange drifter! Wearing… dirty.

He drops his first shotgun and pulls out a custom “Three shotguns combined like Ripley did in Aliens but with actual engineer input” and cuts Ludes zombie in half.

Ludes zombie legs remain standing for a couple seconds. Oh! That’s supposed to be funny!

Guy walks off into the woods?

She runs off into the woods?

Acid rain? Why isn’t it burning the cows too?

Or maybe… just zombie blood reacts to rain?

She was running through the woods. I think she had zombie splatter on her? It started raining. She reacted by steaming and portraying chemical burns. Got to a house, ripped off her coat, doused herself with water. Please explain?

Oh. Beams of light from the sky.

Abducting the grasshoppers.

I thought that key was a hand grenade.

I like the sound/music. It’s well done.

Oh. She’s in the gun guy’s house.

Never bring an umbrella to a gunfight.

How didn’t he hear her knocking.

Ok. A whiney group in a suv. New characters?

This guy walks like he’s a character in a video game.

His clothing… his beard.

Oh! Shit! He just dropped Blue Steel on us!

Lots of stuff in this movie is preceded by approaching a car accident. Could have found another pretext…

Zombie girl…Oh shit.

She just punch through lady’s head and pull out brain.

Stick to head. Classic.

Why is he talking like that? Like Clint Eastwood? I even hear spurs when he walks. I think they showed them earlier.

Rene can act. High Plains Drifter (HPD) not so much. I feel bad for him. He’s just doing deadpan instead of acting.

“See, Andy has the keys but she doesn’t have her brain!”

Lights go out.

Couple of cops. The mustache one has an issue.

Now everyone is pointing guns and fat girls like cake.

Zombies rush the party, HPD is shooting… No, wait… HPD is doing a bunch of Laura Croft gun tossing and then spinning and shooting another gun before catching the thrown guns. It’s all been done before.

Sorta a chaotic screaming scene of gunfire and zombies spring-boarding up like if you’d stepped onto a rake. They all are fairly well done, but all look sorta the same. Like they only had 4 versions of zombie mask.

But the cops can’t shoot.

Another point of goody? The gunfire is real. Real blanks. Real shells. No CGI crap.

The team is making a run for the basement. The cop leaves the door open. Tactical decision?

Whole lot of shooting from upstairs… and HPD comes a-tumbling down.

Oh. His basement has another basement under it. Tunnels maybe? It’s really dark.

I feel really silly saying this, but the character’s sounds… the vocalizations of fear and anxiety that aren’t real words. It… it… it sounds like a bad adult movie. The same high pitched sound repeated over and over in the same theatrical monotone? I’ll say this- working in the adult entertainment industry ruins enjoying most adult entertainment. Like the unfortunate sad but true that the people most inclined to disrobe in public are the ones you are least likely to want to see naked. I think it’s strange that that ambiance sounds are awesome, but I can’t stand this woman’s hyperventilations.

HPD has a whole bunker down there.

“Jesus christ! Can I get a cup of tea with this fruitcake?”

I’ve been praising this film for not using CGI. Well, they just did, and they knocked it out of the park. Just a simple, ½ head zombie shot from behind as he approaches the house. Great job on the CGI. There’s an artists’ touch to some of this…

However, 2/3 the actors seem to feel that screaming and yelling substitutes for talent.

The blonde is yelling at Rene about a talent contest or something?

There’s a sub-plot about Rene’s farm, and another about the talent show.

OH!! OH!! He’s not HPD!! He’s KFP!!! THAT’S who this guy reminds me of! P’oh, from Kung Fu Panda. This dude is the human version of Jack Black’s fat inept panda!!

KFP is some kinda incomplete prepper. All the water is upstairs.

“Won’t people hallucinate sometimes when they panic? I know I do.”

I’m pretty sure that this incompetent cop is one of The Andys. I might be wrong, but then again, I might be right. Even rode my motorcycle in the raaaaaain.

KFP’s accent is not good luck. Everything he does is ponderous.

Oh. A fishing flashback.

To… a meteor hitting his boat and turning his fish into zombies.

So… that’s something I’ve never seen before. A man attacked by zombie leaping fish shooting his way out of trouble.

Turns out… those crappy clouds… hid really big UFOs.

Maybe the hyperventilation that sounds like unenthusiastic intercourse is the guy?

KFP speaks all his lines like Steven Segal. A half-menacing hopeful whisper.

Red all over the floor.

Blue Steel again!

Whoah! Didn’t see that coming!

Arm just punched through the wall and grabbed Andy, and then KFP shotgunned through the wall dismembering the zombie arm. Nice.

The dismembered zombie’s arm has a watch with an alarm.

And it must be shot!

Jesus, HPD is doing fancy fun stuff again.

The two falling knives slapstick isn’t doing it for me. Especially with the Looney Tunes sounds. Get this shit out of my zombie movie.

Andy… is freaking out. Another wave is incoming.

So, Zombie Ludes just showed up. I thought he’d already been killed?

But he says something to Rene. So they can remember and talk a little.

But he’s been eviscerated, and he slips on his liver. Hate it when that happens.

He gets shot in half… the stupid legs standing and wobbling gag… Andy shoots the legs in the nuts with a .12g. The zombie’s face winces. Come the fuck on.

I’m going to try to explain the ridiculous that just was. KFP backflipped up foot-first into a wall over a door so that his spurs stuck into the wall and he was hanging upside down in the doorway, and then he pulled out his 3^rd pair of pistols and shot a bunch of Zombies. Then he flips back down.

These zombies keep popping up like rakes. Have these idiots not been making head shots? But the zombies have been falling? I don’t really understand, but whatever.

Everyone is now upstairs.

KFP makes a hole to the garage… I think this is where we lose the Constable.

This guy has a gun business?

Rene makes a 3 with one bullet kill-shot?

Now we’re all in the garage.

Hands smashing in through wall slats…

The garage door is having trouble opening.

VAN LIFE!!

It’s got red on it.

Ok. That was funny.

Rene isn’t feeling so good. No one is.

Is that a wall? Or a wall-hanging?

Some huge thingy blocking the road. It’s spikey. Metal.

“I’ve never seen anything like this before. I once saw a fucking pineapple twice the size of a fucking watermelon, but nothing like this!”

Andy is going to climb the spikey wall.

Kinda feel like Andy is turning into a zombie.

I think Star Trek wants it’s inspiring oboe back.

Everyone’s coughing like a tour group at Chernobyl, but no-one has thought to go back inside?

KFP just face-planted the steering wheel.

Ok. Here’s a question. You’re by yourself in a 10 foot canoe in the middle of a pond and a UFO the size of a football stadium comes to hover over you. Do you think it’s a wise decision to grab the 9 you keep in your tackle box and start shooting at the fucking thing? That’s like a cockroach dancing on the side of the end-table giving you the finger with 4 hands. Assuming they have 6. They’re bugs. Not spiders. Spiders have 8. I think cockroaches have 4.

Andy has gotten pretty high. I think I ought to again.

Andy is almost into the cloud graphics. They’re shocking.

KFP saying something about the rain. Get in the car!

Oh! Shit! Constable just turned into a zombie!

And Andy vs. gravity has come to a messy and expected end.

Wait. Now they’re getting the rain-burns.

If it wasn’t for the fact that it looks like they’re all suffering from lye burns, that looks like my kind of underwear/van party.

Wait. The Constable turned back into a person?

Right before the beam of light came down out of the clouds and took her away.

There’s some sort of glowing black cloaked figure in the road now. Makes sense. Kanye?

They’re still pointing pistols at each other. I don’t think they’re doing a very good job of banding together or whatever that bullshit sentence said.

Everyone drives back to town. It’s empty-ish.

The general store that they’re about to go into? We know it’s historical ‘cause there’s a sign calling out 1889. That’s STILL fucking newer than the house I live in.

Oh. Well, now I’ve seen KFP’s butt. It’s not toned and taught like Malcom’s.

Sneaking around the general store…

KFP is naked except for hat and boots.

She was the 2002 “Catch of the day queen”?

“I was almost eaten by their killer fish.”

“Crazy has definitely come to this town for a visit.”

His scratches are gone! Halleluiah!

Oh! It’s a gift, a power of his.

The infection is in the air now. Time is shoat.

Whoah! Another zombie hand- this one through the liquor bottles. And it gets the shotgun dismemberment as well!

KFP… I think literally… farts out yet another pair of pistols.

Ummm… How to explain…

Well, soapy floor, zombie attack, can of carbonated beverage, and a pen… and the end result is a hand grenade going off in this zombie’s mouth. +10 MacGyver points.

Chip! You have a shovel in your head. Oh fuck. That was a face removal. Didn’t expect that, it was quite well done, I’m a little queasy.

And that was before his eyeball fell out.

Oh! The cloaked light-face thing is there again! But they shoot it and it falls like Obi Wan’s cloak.

Zombies, once again… are everywhere.

We have an improvised melee weapon of a mop with a circular saw blade stuck on it. Evidently, it’s more lethal than what’s her name from Charlie’s Angels is with a Katana and a Track Suit and two part Tarantino script.

Fuck, I am HUNGRY.

More of the cloaky light things. They’re aliens who can manifest water balloons in their hands that look like saline implants that they then throw at you before abducting you with a beam of light.

KFP has been abducted and it looks like everyone has just run off and abandoned him.

This sound reminds me of Indy…

A plane.

Oh shit. That’s your own dumb fault.

We just saw a zombie turn back into a regular person before being abducted up into the light.

Lotta people going up into the light.

Ok. That was new. Rene lassoed a zombie and threw the loose line into a plane’s propeller. Red went everywhere.

There’s a neat little CGI that they do to revert a zombie’s face back to human. It’s a small little effect, but really well done.

Plot-wise? Uh, Rene and the Pregnant Woman are trying to flee in the van, but the beam of light is trying to take the Pregnant Woman, so she’s stuck to inside ceiling of the van and the van keeps getting lifted a bit into the air. Yeah. And the guy is flying a plane trying to catch up to the van. Through the lights and shit.

Van crash. I repeat. We have van crash.

Roof gets ripped away, Pregnant Lady is pulled up by the light.

I *think* she’s back at the original accident site.

4 of the glowing hoody creature things.

So she picks up a club.

She takes a water-balloon to the face. It’s slimy.

Back in the plane, there are beeping noises. And lightning.

And… fucked up scene! The guy in the plane breaks through the cloud cover, and filling the night sky are all the people and cows and stuff that’s been abducted by the aliens. They’re all just floating, suspended. It’s pretty creepy and really artistic.

An alien takes his coat and light off and is one strange looking…

Back to the plane flying through the human asteroid field… it’s going poorly. He’s plowing a tunnel through these people.

Oh. Well, now he’s got a woman’s head through the windshield.

The alien says something about the rain being curing. That’s why it burned?

Condescending alien pricks.

Rene gets pulled up into the sky… and becomes a floater.

Ok, that was funny. Alien just got chastised for being naked. Replies “I’m comfortable with who I am.”

Dude in the plane jumps out.

Attack helicopters? Poorly done CGI ones.

Men in white ET suits.

Radio chatter.

Parachute guy lands outside of the wall, where a huge alien greeting party- just like in Mars Attacks- is waiting.

He wanders though them, looking more and more like a zombie. I think containment failed.

Now all the floating people are descending back to earth. We’re not sure why.

Looks like everyone got brought back to life and is ok.

The clouds are receding.

Big full moon.

The entire WALL just took off and then Transformered itself into a fleet of spaceships.

People are panicking.

The ships have all gone.

A news report about how the town is closed and quarantined.

News reporter seems to fee everything is ok now.

Pregnant Woman has a boy.

All you can hear are sirens.

The lumbering bulk that is KFP meets up with Rene in the hospital

There’s some good lines here. Not gonna write them all, but it’s funny.

Yup, that dude was turning into a zombie.

And he gets a bite out of KFP, effectively restarting the zombie plague.

Rene is now sorta the KFP survival character.

Rene now has a 4-gun shotgun.

And the entire town as zombies locked up in a huge pen out at her farm.

We end with more stuff that’s ripping off Mars Attacks.

————End Transmission——————–

Introduction

Ok. Now I’m irritated. I had about a page of intro written before my laptop went belly up and the graphics card puked tiny font across my screen. I should have saved it, but I was on a roll that was branching across reminiscing about how hard it used to be to buy bad weed, how troglodyte apartment dwelling dealers will try to get you stoned when you stop buy to pick up and then you’re trapped listening to their crappy electronic dance music that sounds like monkeys mashing a drum machine with reverb and echo turned up to 11…

I brought up some exotic pepper seeds that I ordered from Amazon earlier today, and then I started complaining about how last year my wife bought the vegetable garden seeds and I ended up growing a half dozen herb plants that I guess I should have offered to the deer so they’d leave my damn peppers alone. I’m a tree-hugging hippie through and through, and I only believe in shooting deer if you’re going to eat them.

Or if they’ve recently been sniffing around my garden. Two years ago I lost all the peas, last year they ate eighty percent of my pepper plants… They’re kinda like opportunistic rats that way. I live on Main Street of my town, too. Goes to show you how small it is when even Main Street gets vandalized by roving gangs of disenfranchised adolescent deer.

I think that’s about all that got erased with that last crash, but now I’ve also decided to complain about how gnarled up my right shoulder is, and how my right knee has been creaking all day. So when I was down at the head shop picking up oils on the 20% sale, I saw they had some nice CBD oil, so I got a couple. It’s a gorgeous golden honey that I can’t wait to take a dollop of.

Speaking of honey, if you haven’t read The Dao of Pooh series, Jesus, get on that. It’s some of the best self-help you can imagine. I’m due another reading through them- it’s been too long. But enough about bears. And peppers. And bad techno music.

I usually start these reviews without any particular movie in mind, and then I jump onto Amazon, or Netflix, HBO Max, Disney+, whatever; and do a search for Zombies, and then I just go with what I feel. But tonight I was feeling inventive. Or restless. Quite restless. Should have gone to the gym regardless, I guess. I entered a different word. Undead. So, I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised that this was the first title on the list.

I was shocked to see the four stars, and then electrified when I saw that was the rating with a solid 255 reviews. IMDB gives it a 5.4. “A zombie outbreak forces a group of strangers to take refuge together.” No shit. Really? I am going to have a difficult time keeping up intellectually with this one, that’s obvious right out the gate. I need coffee. That’s a fucking insulting sentence to read.

There’s only a picture of a brunette with a cut on her face looking incredulous. Fuck. There’s two directors and they’re brothers. So… yeah. I can think of a couple brothers (Cough Cough Coen Coen) who have fucking recreated the wheel when it comes to impactful storytelling. Jesus, I can’t list enough of their movies on my favorites list. I even loved Raising Arizona when I saw it at, like, 12.

That was before I’d developed my reverence for all things Nicholas Cage, too! He hadn’t even gotten NEAR boarding Con Air. Hell, he still had most of his hair! Con Hair. That’s a reality tv show if I’ve ever heard of one. There’s also the Matrix twins, who I know have changed things both a while ago and semi-recently, as in, they ruined the new Matrix. By not working together maybe, or maybe by just making the thing.

First one is the only one worth watching. I do like the highway scene in the second. But then, there’s so many siblings that didn’t make good movies. The Menendez brothers, for example. I’d hate to see anything they did. But horrible swing and miss at jokes aside, I generally believe that two directors is one too many, and these sibling projects have so many ways that they can go astray. Like, one wants it to be about elves and the other loves ninjas.

What do we, the viewers, end up with after all the compromising is done? Fuck if I know, but it hides it’s pointy ears under a baklava. Unless *that’s* one of those Greek honey pastries and not a hat that rolls down into a robber-mask and I used the wrong word. Always a possibility! I haven’t had any coffee yet. Seems like a common thread in these.

You know a sign of stupidity? Trying to eat couscous with a fork. Or maybe the fact that I’m STILL trying to eat couscous with a fork even after putting my food down to type that observation. Why do lobsters get their own little forks but couscous doesn’t have a little spoon? Oh. Yeah. I guess the little spoon thing is already taken. And by people that you generally don’t want angry at you, since they need very little sleep. YEEYEE!!

I’m a little bit excited for one of the stupidest reasons today. You know how businesses give you punch cards to encourage you to go there? (See how I looked critically at their motive instead of seeing it as rewarding their customers? ASPD right there for you. I’m trying to be more active in looking for where this effects my life, so when I notice these instances it’s a Sherlock Holmes feeling.)

Well, anywhoo, today I think I finished off the first- or possibly second- punch card that I’ve ever completed in my life. I’m THAT fucking anti-social and incompetent. I’m 45 and the pot shop downtown is the first place that I’ve been able to bring a business card to 10 times in succession. For most of my life, I just told places to keep their cards and loyalty programs and incentives. I don’t trust it.

I’m not all conspiracy that they’re gonna steal my social security number or blood type or anything that drastic, it’s more that I understand that they have done a calculated analysis of this “loyalty” program and found that it’s in their best interests to do so. If I may reference back to the theologian Mike Muir, I quote:

“And I go, “Wait! What are you talking about?
We decided? My best interests?
How do you know what my best interest is?
How can you say what my best interest is?
What are you trying to say? I’m crazy?
When I went to your schools
I went to your churches
I went to your institutional learning facilities!
So how can you say I’m crazy?”

So no, I don’t look at actions calculated to manipulate me as a reward for a caffeine addiction. You know who else gives shit away for free? Yeah! The Dopeman. And as much as I’d love to close the rest of this out with some N.W.A. lyrics, I think I’ve ripped off SoCal culture enough tonight.

I want to close on two notes- one, I’m curious as to which brother signed off on that pathetic urine-stain of a minimalist movie description, and I want to complain that although seeing Suicidal Tendencies in concert WAS enough to check the bucket list, the fact that they didn’t play “How will I laugh tomorrow?” is fucking criminal. I was almost in tears when they ended their set without it.

That’s the danger of living through things. Sometimes they don’t live up to your expectations, or they have another agenda, or you’ve been wrong about their true nature the whole time. So, I didn’t intend to watch this movie when I sat down and started playing synonyms in the search box, and then when I decided to watch it, since it’s named the literal thing I looked for, I didn’t intend to purchase it.

Especially under my own account, when my wife and I do everything together under her account. We really should just close mine. But now I own Undead, ‘cause buying it SD was the same as renting it SD. Four dollars. And yeah, SD. Don’t make me say it. It’s the ASPD, trust me. Hard to explain but true.

In the middle of my pre-play hit, I remembered the last thing I wanted to point out about this movie. There is an actor named Mungo. Not a character, an Actor. I *think* the character in Blazing Saddles (moment of reverence) was named Mongo, so I think this is either someone whose parents hated them or someone trying to not be found by creditors.