Rise of The Zombie
Overall Recommendation
Recommendation?
Skip it. Nothing to see here. If you DO want to watch it, watch the last 10 minutes. That’s really all that’s of value to a zombie movie fan. Now, if you like close ups of bugs and nice camera gear, or you get off on weird singing, or you have a serious jones for some pathetic “I miss my girlfriend” montage flashbacks, this movie has it all for you! And there’s even some bike riding. It’s nuts though, because Luke Kenny makes a REALLY GOOD zombie. He is literally my favorite zombie EVER. Maybe the first really gaunt graveyard guy in the original Night of the Living Dead… But I digress. For a moment there was a shining slice of saving grace to this shit- there is a jewel hidden in this filth. Rise of the Zombie rivals the opening cabin-assault of 28 Weeks Later in terms of horrific “Gonna kill you dead and eat you!” intensity. Yes, it relies on proven camera techniques, but it’s well done. The guy can act! The guy can act scary as hell! It’s glorious to see! But shit… This just makes me sad. The same Luke Kenny that I love as Luke Kenny the zombie ruined this movie as Luke Kenny the writer; who pompously thought thinly stitching a handful of tropes together would make a plot, or Luke Kenny the director who thought Luke Kenny the actor deserved camera-time akin to fetishization levels… This is like a sports car that crashed after 3 miles. This is such awesome potential with such pathetic result. We knew he was going to turn into a zombie, the name of the movie really telegraphed that fact. So there’s no point in a sensually slow burn leading up to it- especially not one so vaingloriously self-centered as this one. Three shots of Luke Kenny in repose in a tree is three too many; this self-loving ego-pandering turns the movie farcical. This isn’t a zombie movie, this is expensive footage of Luke Kenny pretending to be a zombie. And a film-maker.
Plot Autopsy
Plot Autopsy
- Luke Kenny gets dumped
- Luke Kenny goes to live in a tent
- Luke Kenny gets bit by a bug
- Luke Kenny has a bunch of flashbacks where he is a complete wuss about getting dumped
- Luke Kenny has a bunch of flashbacks where he is a complete wuss about getting dumped
- Luke Kenny Zombie kicks some serious ass and breaks my heart
Zombie Description
Zombie Description
These are bug bite zombies. As far as I can tell, there is only one of them, and he now lives in a tree out in the woods near a tent where people go hiking but don’t notice corpses or the scent of decomposing flesh. There is only the one Luke Kenny Zombie. Most of the time, he is an idle Luke Kenny Zombie. Occasionally, he is a ferocious Luke Kenny Zombie. I think the most noticeable aspect of the Luke Kenny Zombie is that it must always have a camera pointed at it as this is vital to it’s ego’s survival. The moon has something to do with the zombie bug bite rash effects, but then again, you could make a good case that the Luke Kenny Zombie also has a thing for leaving dismembered hands lying around. Was this simple prop laziness or was it supposed to mean something? Shit. Gotta add this to Can I get a hand?
Where the money went
Where the money went
Cameras and bugs. In hindsight, they did a great job on most of the gore stuff, and the zombie makeup was fucking spot on. Except for those contacts. They either took their time shooting, or shot a crap-ton of footage, or did it super efficiently… All I’m saying is it was a really well-shot movie. But, for the very unfortunate vast majority of the movie, getting footage of a squirrel navigating an icy fence would have been a better use of time. The special effects were current production values of anything south of absolute Hollywood. Good zombie makeup. Good rash. (Mostly- some of it looked like they just rubbed chili powder on his arm) But if this had been a zombie movie, I’d be writing praise for above average marks. In honesty, they only really had to make him up a couple times, and there was only the one guy, so… no bulk make-up purchases, but they did a good job. The money did NOT go to any sort of script review. It was horrible. There was a tenth of the content here that would be needed to support an actual plot. This wasn’t even faxed in.
Best Weapon
Best Weapon
It’s like Chuck Norris’s Beard. There is only one weapon. And that weapon is Luke Kenny Zombie. And sometimes Luke Kenny Zombie uses his hand like an evil weapon. So… Luke Kenny Zombie’s hand. Another weapon we have to mention was the soundtrack. Jesus, it was so bad. Weaponized, even. And the unnecessarily translated lyrics were both insane and insipid, and until tonight I would have argued my life and bet my philosophy degree that you couldn’t have both present in the same instance. But, prove me wrong, Rise of The Zombie, prove me wrong! Those lines about bazaars and flowers and the seasons and having fun being in love… Fuck you, Prince! Bat-Dance has been vanquished! There’s a new soundtrack in town! (I’m sorry, Purple One, please forgive me. You shred, you sing, you are everything. I’ve loved you since I first heard Raspberry Beret and I was too young to get ANY of the lyrics.) I must exempt that single strange country western inclusion though. I barely remember it, it was that bland, but it didn’t deserve to have rocks thrown at it. I remember the flashback montage being particularly bland during that song though. Bland.
Can I get a hand?
Can I get a hand?
This one actually belongs both here and in That Was New. Luke Kenny Zombie stuck his hand into a guy’s chest and ripped his heart out. So, no, there was no classic “From the grave, a hand punches skyward through the earth…” to report on, but… Look. Just don’t ask Luke Kenny Zombie “Can I get a hand?” Oh! And there’s another hand-related thing here I just thought of. Luke Kenny Zombie leaves hands all over the place. It’s kinda like a forest decorative theme these days. So if you need a hand, you can go get one there, I guess.
That was new!
That was new!
The language shifting from Indian to English presented an interesting ripple in the conversational dialogue of the movie. Not enough to make it superior to if the movie had been all English or all Indian with subtitles, it didn’t add that much flavor, but it was kinda cool for a while in what turned out to be a novelty way that quickly faded. Having a movie ruined by singing. I mean, that’s not really true. It’s not like we had a viable movie to ruin. We had an idea that most probably was conceived on a cocktail napkin; “Get a nice camera, point it at myself”. I’m slightly surprised upon consideration that Luke Kenny didn’t do all the singing himself.
Review Notes
Review Notes
I’m having trouble working the mouse. And the first thing that showed on the screen when I hit play was what looked like a huge pink paper movie ticket from back in the day but it had… something other than English on it? Like some other country’s version of that blue “Federal Protection Against Movie Copying” screen on some movies? But this was from somewhere else that smells of… Saffron? What does Saffron smell like?
Oh shit. This is produced by Kenny Media. And I don’t mean South Park Kenny. Which… I’m beginning to believe, would be preferable. Dammit, Luke Kenny, you better not hog the camera.
Opens with TRIPPY CAMERA EFFECTS. And then photos of birds. To a guy singing in another language. A-Buu-La…
Opening credits are essentially camera-porn.
What the hell is up with the rip-off Rolling Stones shirt?
Shit, that opening song sucked.
I have never heard what I believe is Indian Patois? I don’t really know the exact meaning of the word, but this guy I think is Luke Kenny and is speaking in a mix of English and what sounds like Indian and he’s switching back and forth like Cypress Hill rapping in Spanglish. It sounds pretty cool.
Jeeze, his girlfriend is… She could melt paint. Caustic. Good actress. I’m wilting before her. Yell at Luke Kenny!
Good camera work, production values- I hope the same effort went into the zombies. Please no crappy CGI.
That actually may be a bootleg Stones shirt.
Plot so far… Broken up with and friend calls to remind him of bachelor party. Epic. Never seen this before.
Wacky club eyewear! This shows we’re wild and carefree!
This is really well shot, but weird…Is this what “Strip clubs” are in foreign countries? Still-clothed stage diving? And that’s enough of this song. “Come. Let’s have a good time.”
Test tube shots! Now we’re cool hipsters!
Shit- that beat ripped off something I know.
And he’s hung over. Stripper was sketchy at the end. I guess she wasn’t a stripper. So, she was.. just sketchy.
Turn the fan on when you shower
12 second packing montage…
He’s travelling and it’s beautiful but the lyrics to the song are like reading a map of ridiculous-ville.
I covet that truck.
Now we’re bicycling though what looks like ancient China from kung fu movies…
We’re 15 minutes in and no zombies. Nothing of the sort. A bit of drama, but…
I’m tired of the camera porn. It’s just not interesting.
They keep mentioning that there’s no network. I imagine Wi-Fi is pertinent to killing zombies in their part of the lands?
He’s pushing a bike around and there’s random steam and he doesn’t…
Taking pictures of trees…. Snails… helicopter sounds?
Huge pinecones
Photogenic bugs
Ok!! We’ve been bit by something!! YES!! Plot advances!! A bug bit his arm ad he smooshed it and there was a big red mess and he looked distraught. Now he’s drinking a huge beer by lantern-light. He appears to have shrugged it off.
But… The MOON is out! And there’s techno music playing! And he’s dreaming of being yelled at.
And BUGS. In blue filter this time!
I got this feeling that the scene on the amazon page isn’t actually in this movie…
21 minutes in and this movie could be called “Guy who really likes cameras rides a bike around.”
Headbands. It doesn’t work for Brett Michaels, it doesn’t look good on you either, Luke Kenny.
Nor do the aviators. You look like Steve Dallas from Bloom County.
But that’s a nice blister the bug left…
In town to buy snacks… I like his style. Too bad my wife took all those cookies to work.
He just got a fucking scalp-scritching and fine misting spray by some dude in a small shop. I shit you not, that was the most unsettling thing I’ve ever seen in a zombie movie. Shit, that startled me worse than in Hereditary when the girl gets her head knocked off. Hope you’ve already seen it; if not, it doesn’t happen in the car ride back from the party as she’s going into anaphylactic shock.
If you look closely, at 24:07 he opens a door with “STD” and “LSD” painted on it. He’s only wearing earth tones of yellow. Is this some sort of Manson cult revival?
Relationship advice – don’t beg for the other person to pick up the phone
Maybe file that under self-esteem advice, considering that the relationship is over
“Finally, somebody likes me.” I don’t think we’re going to have any quotes from anyone other than Luke Kenny, since there’s really no-one else talking… or…
Kinda looks like a young (not bloated) Axl Rose
It’s a trip seeing the subtitled lyrics to these songs… “Just rejoice while the rains last…”
Ok, that’s how not to flirt
More fucking bike riding. And bug bite grimacing.
There’s ominous music as we pump that water, and shit, that arm looks bad. I mean, not like it got bitten by a zombie bad, but that poison oak fucked him up! Good effects though
Another dream sequence, and it’s another full moon? Nice…. Quilted straight jacket.
I want paratha. Not as much as monster cookies, but… (Evidently paratha is a type of flat bread that makes you go “Hmm” when you eat it…)
Another song. “Pabo bazaar, you have worn a lovely dress, aaaaaaaaaa”
Half an hour in and the dude has a rash. I’m not impressed yet. Even if you can balance a cup on your chin.
It’d be nice if the average American could have that much fun dancing, but then again, the average American would have a heart attack trying to be that active.
Shit. We just woke up to a bloody severed hand. And then ran outside and lost our paratha.
I totally forgot about my coffee. Where is it?
He’s having a bad trip out in the woods. Not as bad as some of the one’s I’ve had, but then again, I think he’s an amateur.
YES! Wrap that hand in sack-cloth and throw it down a hill. No one will connect it to your tent 30 yards up the hill.
We’ve gotten to a “Looking into the mirror” scene and no, we’re not in a bathroom, the fucking mirror is literally nailed to a… fuck, what is that? It’s not a tree. Looks like Aztec BBQ rib stacking or something. Supports a mirror really well though. A lot better than this movie is supporting it’s claim to… HA! I just got concerned that maybe this wasn’t a zombie movie and it just happened to come up for some reason when I searched amazon for zombie movies. And then I remembered the name of the movie is literally Rise of the Zombie. So, here’s to hoping for zombie.
What is Drunken Homeless First Aid for $200, Alex…
Shit, these people just hand their phones over to strangers. Trusting,
And a dream sequence of prank phone-answering?
That arm looks bad, but the effects are kind of lacking here. Looks bad, but they could have done better. Maybe they will.
Ahhhh, the good old “can’t stomach real food anymore” proof of zombie-ism changing.
And seriously, he looks like a fucking zombie now that he’s getting into it. Still just tripping balls in dream-sequence-flashback-ville, but he’s swaying around like that bad guy from No Country for Old Men was a zombie. Shit. That’d be awesome.
I really hope he goes ape shit and starts a zombie plague, but I actually don’t care about him as a zombie. Luke Kenny, I’m tired of watching you. I was afraid this would happen. You thought a $6000 camera and a weekend of feverishly stumbling around in the woods would make a movie. Almost 40 fucking minutes in, I can assure you sir, it does not. Bite someone, point the camera at them, and let nature take it’s course. Go direct something. I’m tired of your bandana acting and dependency on flashbacks.
We’re in blurry point of view now. And stepping on shredded wheat, by the sounds of it.
Oh shit, it’s another fucking song. This one is in English. And it’s a montage of the ex. The song… sucks. Nice voice, nice guitar, I’m sorry, you’d probably make it as a country singer if you didn’t put your music in movies like this. Shit. I’m so fucking tired of this dude’s pathetic Eeyore act moping over his ex.
Really?? We’re gonna have a sex scene to a song about being alone when we just turned grey, lurched around the woods…. I’m disappointed.
Ate a bug. Gotta consume life. Brains. I got it. Jesus, this is zombie movie 101.
FUCK RITZ CRACKERS!
I feel so bad for the camera man of this movie. Luke Kenny, was it your mom?
The sun! It burns!! Ants! Growl! Snack!
Those ants have had their nest upset, that’s why they’re carrying the larva (those little white grub things). So… unless he happened to be having this zombie fit right next to a colony that decided to move, I’m calling bullshit. These ants have been artificially stirred up. And you’re not even really eating them, Luke Kenny. I’ve seen people eat real bugs in movies. It’s called commitment. You could have done a lot better than ants, too. Ants are boring.
Come on, Luke Kenny…. Eat Pot-Belly!
Ok, that looked more like eating a bug.
Luke Kenny, you do a real good zombie, I gotta give you that. You should be a zombie in other people’s zombie movies.
I guess when you didn’t actually have enough interesting plot stuff to shoot an entire movie, you start re-using what you did shoot in dream sequence flashback bullshit time-wasters? Yes, Luke Kenny?
We are taking that arm apart and I’m a tad bit squeemy inside.
Luke Kenny, didn’t you let anyone else read the script? Didn’t someone say “Camera stays on Luke Kenny while he sits there doing nothing for 45 seconds” sounded like a crappy plot twist? Why didn’t you listen?
It’s time to itch ourselves as we decay and shit, Luke Kenny, you do a good job! You’re a decent actor. You’re good at being scary to look at.
More fucking flashbacks about the ex…
I’m glad we’re at 30ish minutes left. I can’t take more of this “missing her” bullshit.
YEAH! Dump that coco out! I threw it on the ground! Fuck Coco!
But… you do a really fucking convincing zombie as you play with tin cans. So much wasted potential.
First there was Snakes on a Plane, now we got Zombie on a Bike
What does the moon have to do with anything? You’re zombieing out randomly regardless, so stop periodically making sure we’re aware of the moon. If you keep bringing it up, that means it’s got significance, but if it has significance, it has to affect the plot. Just because you’re a moon-zombie instead of werewolf you still gotta follow the moon-rules.
I’ve staggered blindly through the woods before. Your clothes do not stay that clean.
You just happened to stagger into a really interesting rock formation, hmm? Let’s zombie-look-around, shall we?
And now trees!
Remember what I said abut “Camera stays on Luke Kenny for 45 seconds” sucking as a plot device?
Eating bugs and flashing back. This sucks. It’s been the same thing for 30 minutes, just slowly increasing the ick factor.
Ok, this is zombie in a tent…. Yeah! PLEASE BITE HER!!!
Fucking FINALLY!! YES!! And Jesus, Luke Kenny, you make a good zombie!!
That is some well-done gore.
Luke Kenny, you’re a camera hog.
Luke Kenny in a tree from 7 different angles, ladies and gentlemen! Just what you wanted to see in a zombie movie!
Seriously got the munchies right now.
I don’t care that his friends and family are worried about him. I just don’t care, Luke Kenny. I just don’t.
I wish I could just let this roll while I go take a piss, but that’s against the rules.
Oh, so much better.
22 minutes left. (YAWN) Here we go. Shit, I just finished my coffee.
That is a seriously cool picture of the kid with the skull. I wish I had a picture of me like that.
Dammit, Luke Kenny, you may be my favorite zombie actor. Ever. I mean, you’re fucking good. So good you’re wasted when left to your own direction. You make the 28 Days Later zombies look like Care Bears.
“Zombie Luke Kenny runs towards the camera at night while flashing back for 45 seconds”
If I hated myself, I’d re-watch this and re-write the script. I bet I could get everything in less than 8 pages. You’ve got footage of you watching your camera’s recording of you playing with your dog. This movie isn’t intellectually at that level. Maybe if it was footage of you playing with Play-Doh.
Really? We wrote the dad blaming himself for not paying enough attention to Luke Kenny when his mom passed away into the script? There’s 17 minutes left! You’ve only killed one person! This drama shit is pointless! Fuck. We broke into song montage again. I thought it couldn’t get any worse.
Eyeball eating…
FUCK! WHY DID YOU FILM THAT FINGERNAIL RIPPING OFF SCENE? IT’S BEEN DONE BEFORE AND I’M SO FUCKING GROSSED OUT RIGHT NOW!! I’VE LOST THE FUCKING MUNCHIES AND I WANT TO PUKE. FUCK YOU LUKE KENNY, IT’S AN OLD CLICHÉ AND YOU SUCK. A MOVIE AS BAD AS THIS DOESN’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS NASEOUS. I’M LOOKING AWAY UNTIL THE MUSIC STOPS. FUCK YOU.
Less than 15 minutes….
If you live where English is not the primary language, why are the Missing posters printed in English?
For your viewing and listening pleasure; 45 seconds of Luke Kenny on a tree in silhouette with menacing growl accompaniment.
It’s… too late to switch this to the werewolf genre, dude… please don’t try….
Fuck you for those fingernails.
Did the actress demand a certain amount of conversational screen time before she’d consent to be in the movie? She didn’t want to just film a fight and then a bunch of rolling around in slow motion sequences, she wanted something she could use to get other roles, right? She’s good, I like her. I just don’t care at all about the conversations. I just don’t care.
Phone battery dying as a plot device… more up-close shots of bugs… and camera gear…. Blah…
Luke Kenny, I am RAPT. That was awesome!! Your friend from, like, way in the beginning so I totally forgot about him showed up and you stalked him through the trees and then straight cold killed his ass! The classic flying leap takedown finished off with the savaging of the jugular, and you completely pulled off the bonus multiplier of throwing your head back as bloody mist flies! That was 110% bad-ass zombie shit! But why is it almost at the end of the movie? This sucks! You better get a budget and make a sequel that A: isn’t all footage of you B: isn’t all montage flashbacks of you
Oh, you see yourself in the water and don’t like what you see so you splashy the puddle all up while you cry in torment. If I wasn’t a lazy ass-stoner I’d look up when that was first used in cinema. I wanna say that there was something akin to that in the first? Maybe first? Black and white Frankenstein. Well-acted dude, but PLEASE let some other, more knowledgeable people read your script next time…
We have an official Indiana Jones “Reach into a man’s chest and pull out his heart” shot… to finish a heart-racing zombie attack that killed Pot-Belly. Fucking brutally vicious. Righteous.
I guess this type of zombie… goes for… flair? What else do you call ripping out a man’s heart? Besides already done already, of course, but probably not in a zombie movie. Were there zombies of any sort in that Indy flick? I think it was Temple of Doom? The sucky one of the trilogy. I’m not even including that stupid Crystal Skull flop. I like Shia, but he’s not right for the role, the graveyard with the parkour goblins sucked, the rainforest derby was like CGI of green pudding with random smashing sounds, and then we’re swinging.. fuck it. Other people have disparaged that POS already. Ok, back to Rise Of The Zombie. I got 5 ½ minutes left. I’m hoping for another killing? Maybe? Ooh! The ex-girlfriend! Or maybe she’s actually current, because in conversations that I’m sure were contractual she talked about them having a fight and her walking out, but she doesn’t tell anyone they broke up or she dumped Luke Kenny. (I began writing Luke Perry there; Fucking high..). So…. She shouldn’t use breaking up as a part of fighting. That’s fucking wrong. In fact, her whole approach to problem solving sucks. I hope she does get eaten.
They have the best cameras for filming bugs in closeup, but they don’t have one camera that can transition from outside to inside a building correctly? No? Is someone’s 14 year old brother in charge of lighting? Must we experience troglodyte life every time you enter a building? And of course you have no plot and need footage so you’re gonna film every time you… whatever. You’re almost done.
Only an asshole wanders the forest with earbuds listening to techno and taking phone-pictures of every tree he passes. Oh!! You didn’t notice Luke Kenny was in THAT tree though, did you?? Now you’re dead! And your guts are being eaten. Luke Kenny, those contacts are cliché too.
And the ending credits are a bunch of centipedes. More bugs.
I had a thought there. I can’t remember it. I think it had to do with Luke Kenny being my favorite zombie ever. Even if that was a funny little frog-pounce at the end. Makes a damn fine zombie. Makes a complete horse-shit pile of a movie.
————End Transmission——————–
Introduction
Introduction
“A heartbroken wildlife photographer throws himself into his work, only to find himself experiencing strange transformations.” That’s what I got to go on. I mean, there’s a trailer, but that takes all the fun out of it. That and a picture of some guy in a mirror who looks like he lost an ass-kicking contest.
He’s got reddish eyes though, so maybe he’s a zombie. He’s standing in the ubiquitous white tile bathroom where the blood shows up on the white porcelain so good… He reminds me of someone, a singer maybe.
I’m drinking coffee and smoking some Maui Wowie , if I can find it. My wife is at work, and there’s only one gummy in the fridge, so I’m going to leave it for her in case she wants it in the morning. This does change my mood going into the movie though- I knew I’d be starting with something newish and baddish and throw-away-ish so I was thinking a medicinal forgetfulness would be beneficial in the long run.
That’s sort of the reason I made coffee. Counteract the gummy. That I didn’t eat. So I’m a bit wired. I gotta find the vape. Ok, I’m back. It took a lot of work and looking, but then I remembered I’d plugged it in to recharge. So I got it. We’re good. We’re good and lit, that is.
So…. I have all the usual hesitancy going into this movie that I do with every movie where the director is also the star. Amazon doesn’t say who the writer is, but I bet a batch of brownies that Luke Kenny wrote it. So… we have the proverbial hat-trick of narcissism.
This phenomena is like Kevin Costner singing the theme song to Dances With Wolves. Or maybe it was The Postman. I didn’t see either, although the book The Postman is fucking awesome. I keep meaning to watch the movie.
Generally, I ignore Kevin Costner unless he’s in Water World though. I think. I’m just not into new westerns. Was he in a Robin Hood that I liked as a kid? Wait- he was in… The Highwaymen with Woody Harrelson. I love that movie! Luke Kenny, I also notice that you’re the only Anglo name here. Is Luke Kenny your real name? Shit. I just noticed that where “Language” is, there’s some squiggly letters of an alphabet I don’t know. We got English subtitles though.
I wouldn’t have picked this for a first run, but here we are. That’s what I get for not watching the damn trailer. I am the mother of my own tormentions. Everything for a reason. That said, I know nothing about names, but I wouldn’t exclude the non-Luke Kennys from possibly being Indian, and the only reason I think that has anything resembling relevance is I think that “The Dead” series of movies came out of India? And those were pretty fucking good. But… no, wrong continent I think.
So I’m curious. Ok, the dude in the picture looks… pissed off. With a broken nose. But his features look pretty Anglo to me. Luke Kenny, did you take your movie money to India? If so, I can’t wait to figure out why. This is called out as Drama, Horror, and Suspense. Yay drama. Yay Luke Kenny. Yay vape. Roll tape.