Black Friday
Overall Recommendation
Recommendation?
Wow. That escalated quickly. And once it started on that vector, it didn’t alter course, velocity, trajectory… no, we just rode that rocket all the way to weirdsville. This goes in the watch list. It’s a good comedy with a great performance by Bruce, as well as a good turn by this dude who looks like Gerald Butler. The whole thing is silly and dumb, but nice high quality. There’s not much to it, really… Small story, small set, small cast… But the enthusiasm with which they approached the idiocy was lovely. Glasses played the hell out of the character, the zombies were awesome, the special effects spot on… this is a wacky Bruce flick, but if you like wacky Bruce flicks, this one will show you Bruce in ways that you never imagined him before. If you like this movie, check out Night Watchmen, too. Both have a fresh, fun flavor to them.
Plot Autopsy
Plot Autopsy
- We meet our cast who all have to work on thanksgiving.
- Yeah, this is about right for the dynamics of a retail situation.
- Now Black Friday… I mean, Green Friday, has zombies at it.
- The zombies keep getting more mutated and the plot starts spinning
- Two headed monster rising out of the flaming wreckage of the building
- I’m not going to try to explain. Just watch it.
Zombie Description
Zombie Description
Well, we knew right away that these were alien zombies, so kinda mutant humans, and as the movie progresses, so does the mutation, until at the end there’s a two headed Godzilla looking creature towering out of the flaming wreckage of the non-toys-r-us… but in between that, there’s a lot of zombie mayhem that unfortunately transmitted itself through what looked like a frog-tongue-lichen-attack-thing. There was a lot of gore and some good people eating, but… it’s like they wanted traditional zombies plus these new white-spagetti-shooting zombies, but then in the excitement of making the demon zombies they kinda let the regular zombies fall by the wayside. This shit is just starting at zombies though. It then gets way stranger.
Where the money went
Where the money went
This is a professionally made movie, but what else would you expect from Bruce at this point in his career? The money went to purply glowy light thingies that puff up, and to fake CGI flaming buildings, and a huge latex monster suit… Uh… There was no item in this movie that was lacking, but that didn’t make it particularly easier to understand. Once the end started, it was sorta like just holding your arms up as the roller coaster does it’s thing. You know you’re gonna have a fun time getting to the end, but there’s no way to tell when you’re gonna turn or dip. Unfortunately, Bruce’s character dies before the last couple acts, so we miss a major chunk of the anchoring talent. I’m not saying that any of the other actors or actresses were lacking in any way, it’s more about simple appreciation for the simple things, like Bruce. If he’s there, generally, things are better than when he’s not there.
Best Weapon
Best Weapon
I’m going with Dour Dennis on this one. No, he was not particularly effective as a weapon, but he was one of the best parts of the movie in my humble opinion. Including him here puts the perfect amount of cheek around the tongue and the right glint in the wink, because every year, there’s those items that people end up getting shot for, or hoarding, or counterfeiting… children’s toys, consumerism… this is the shit that the movie really wants us to sit up and notice. But the way they brought it all to life in an imaginary product that I believe really would sell- once you got the batteries figured out… I want a Dour Dennis.
Can I get a hand?
Can I get a hand?
There were a couple of hand moments here, notably, ripping the corpses hands off the steering wheel, and the dismembered trail of body parts with a hand… there was a lot of gore and fighting and whatnot, but since these weren’t really zombies, there wasn’t a whole lot of tradition included. That said, there was so much here that felt easter-eggy to me. The fact that they ended up on top of the building, like in Dawn… Just small stuff like that.
That was new!
That was new!
I have never seen one uninfected person intentionally bite another uninfected person during a brawl to make them think that a zombie bit them so they’d do the right thing and go off and martyr themselves so that they wouldn’t be a threat to the rest of the group when they inevitably changed.
Review Notes
Review Notes
Starting with some Jaws type music…
Blue. Feet.
Something looks wrong. Ish.
A hole in the ceiling?
A glowing, growing, purple pulsing blob thing.
Kinda sort of like a phallic Aliens pod.
Looked like a mop!
And that’s a sorta zombie sighting! Boils and stuff!
Nice lounge into song. Really reminds me of… the end of the remake of Dawn. “Get down with the sickness…”
“HOOT! WHO WHO!”
“And he farts like all the time!”
Couple of kids don’t want to spend thanksgiving with their mom and step dad.
And they rag on him for wearing Axe. Cat Glitching! Cat Glitching!
Oh, that’s not a happy family.
“Looking like an absolute vegetarian!”
Ambulance!
People lining up outside of the huge not-Toys-are-Us.
All the retail fun of about to get massacred.
Oh, that was not good flirting.
I like cake.
“Corporate said Black Friday is racist, so they changed it to Green Friday.” See? I hate people so much. And there are others like me. How do they finish writing their screenplays? How do they get past panicking at eat or put on shoes?
Dad’s taking selfies, there’s something up with Santa’s chair, and the trucker needs to take a huge shit.
Is that car glowing?
Adam Sandler sucks in this movie.
“How about a non-sexual back rub?”
“Please don’t.”
I love Bruce. He really reminds me of Cleese I this. I think it’s the mustache.
I… am Dour Dennis. “I’m not doing well. I’m exhausted.” Fucking cat.
Glasses… that’s not a good look.
I love Dour Dennis.
“You ever work retail before?” This is actually a very important divider amongst people.
I love that guy’s advice!
Oh, the dad in the line doesn’t look good.
“Christmas is cancelled this year, let’s get the fuck out of here…” I love this song!
A whole lot of marketing mayhem and purchasing chaos.
What’s the goo?
Old man… they all look sick.
I would quit before cleaning up puke. Although I’ve done worse.
The egg thing is under Santa’s chair.
Oh, shit. That’s a LOT of puke.
We have fast, angry zombies!
A bag of kitty litter to the face turns out to be a pretty good weapon.
Or it was a mini-pink SUV.
Zip tying the nerd to a chair.
Citizens arrest. Is that really a thing?
Glasses is one evil…
Oh. These zombies… white… tendrils out the mouth… into the mouth…
“This is some next level bath salts shit!”
“Competitive shopping!”
“Did you know the police have a voice mail?”
Anita is insane.
Insane and really angry about life.
That’s a lot of froth!
Uh… I’m not sure how to sum this all up… the new guy just changed… and it WAS THE COOLEST FUCKING THING SINCE THE THING!!!
At least Anita is dead.
“You know the first time I worked Black Friday, they separated the shoppers by race!” WTF?
Sounds like this is happening everywhere.
They’re building something?
This is quite much like Night Watchman
Oh, shit… Anita is back. Ish. Kinda.
Wow. That’s some carnage.
And she’s dragging half a person around.
Split up? That’s never a good idea.
She reminds me kinda like a chimpanzee? Who makes REALLY inappropriate gestures!
We have a feasting zombie and it’s good. Looks a little like spaghetti, but…
Oh shit. That’s a very bad day. And getting worse.
Jesus fucking christ! Another Fire Estiguisher! EVERY SINGLE ZOMBIE MOVIE!!! (well, almost)
There are dismemeberd body parts, and there is a hand!
Oh! Shit! That truck driver guy was in the bathroom too!
One wall and a maniacal giggle later, we earn we can kill them like mortals?
The customer zombies are… making some sort of… purplish… big… huggy thing?
Gather? The zombies are all gathering something. For some reason.
I like throwing phones.
And there’s no holiday bonuses this year. I’ve been through that kinda shit.
Oh. I did not expect her to punch him. Shouldn’t punch.
Cop car through the front door… everyone flees!
“Brian! Wait up!” “No!”
Whoah. Kill a couple zombies, and then they throw… what the fuck was that?
There’s a demon zombie or something…
Whoah. That was one hell of a foodie freakout I just had. (belches) I just ate a meatball sub my wife left me and then half a carton of strawberries and then gulped chocolate milk. I feel so sated. I have a headache though. I’m dehydrated.
Wow. So… the zombies… keep mutating. By now they’re like out of Resident Evil’s boss monster things.
“I don’t think this night can get any worse.” (Lights go out)
(Bruce starts laughing) “Ok, Does anybody else just think that’s funny?”
They’re all holding court in the back of the store now to neon toys.
Comparing life stories. And how long they’ve worked there.
“It’s a ruse!”
Wow. Bruce just showed some dark shit in his soul and they all just called him out on it.
Slices of turkey out of the meat locker to celebrate Thanksgiving.
Bruce… really doesn’t really have a good filter.
Wow. I feel really old now.
But… At least I don’t have kids.
We’re… having a discussion about age-gap relationships? To sad music?
And the guy scoring the woman 20 years his Jr. is suddenly the man of the pity hour.
Kinda feel like the universe is punching below the belt here.
And the big, purple thing… is… getting bigger. And purpler.
Bruce wants to go down with the ship.
The mutant thing… is getting even mutanter.
That was one hell of a brawl.
I love Bruce!
Dude got bit! I would hate the waiting.
Dour Dennis. I love you.
OH! SHIT!! “The police are here and they’re monsters now!” “Now?”
This is a strange time to take up roller-skating
He just found the flap of flesh that got bitten out of him.
Oh, that is bad. That is bad. That is bad.
“You should have taken shop! Shut the fuck up, DAD!”
Yeah… they keep mutating. And I have no idea what just smashed through that door, but it’s way beyond zombie. Even if it is wearing accessories.
Gonna use Dour Dennis as a bomb of some sort?
We now have a man on roller-skates trying to fight a monster creature in a dark warehouse. It’s not making much sense, but it’s fun!
That’s one hell of a conga line.
“I can’t see anything!” “Shut the fuck up, Juicy!”
Silly string?
“Maybe you could love me?”
“My face hurts from all the fake smiles! My ears hurt! From listening to Air Supply fifty THOUSAND times!”
That huge pink thing is growing through the skylight…
Getting dragged around by the foot by grandma…
Oh. Shit. Glasses bit Ken. Not the monster. Glasses intentionally set him up to believe he was going to die so… Jesus. That’s one for Something New
That purple things is giving off Gozer Vibes.
And Gramma zombie is giving out Chewbacca noises.
Dumpster diving in the most literally gravity-oriented forms.
No Glasses, people don’t agree with you.
Uh… the building is burning, and a two-headed purple creature thing is… Godzilla through the roof.
Glasses… is trying his best.
But, he just FAILED with that last statement. The customer is not always right. (FLICK)
Oh, that was gross. Peeling the corpse out…
Nice ending! Slightly incoherent, but damn good.
————End Transmission——————–
Introduction
Introduction
I’m mangling the paraphrasing here, but Ghandi once said something akin to “Nothing you do matters, but it is of utmost importance that you do it.” Or something like that. My Ex has it tattooed up her spine like waves. It’s a nice tattoo.
Artistic merit aside though, what does it matter that we do anything? What is the result of doing nothing? If I were to cease acting, to become set in stone under any acceptable interpretation of the phrase, literal or not, would anything change beyond a 5 meter radius? What about a 5 mile radius? How big a ripple is inaction?
Rush has a line about “Not making a choice is still a choice you made”, except, it’s flowingly lyrical and Canadian and I didn’t come close to doing it justice. But is inaction a choice when action itself is impossible? Was it Henry Ford who said he’d “never met a man so ignorant he couldn’t teach me something.”?
I can’t focus. I found a new type of music that I’m having hard time wrapping my head around, because it’s Jazz. Or rather, it’s got Jazz in it. I usually don’t like all that jazz.
Are there still going to be robots left active when the last human has gone? I don’t mean gone, like Wall-E, either. I mean, are we going to leave useful, working machines all over when their purpose has been eradicated?
What will the last machine built be? A tank? A battery-powered grocery store lollipop fan? Bionic enhancements? Germany is rolling out a new tank as we speak. Is the M1 no longer? Turns out the Russians have been wrapping tin-foil around a shopping cart, slapping on a Red Ryder BB gun, and fooling our analysts for years.
I can’t stop sneezing. I want to listen to the abrasive jazz music more. I’m drinking coffee to do a review even though last night I’d decided I wasn’t going to try to do three reviews in a week anymore. I mean, I’ve only really accomplished that a couple of weeks, even, but the fucking toll. I love my wife for supporting me, but there are some fucking down-sides to being a parasite.
I mean, nothing is ever on your schedule, you know? She sleeps all day, I try to sleep all day with her in order to be with her- physical touch is still a thing, even while sleeping- but then I wake up at 2pm and I’m like “Shit! I slept the entire day away! I should get up and shovel snow!” since I’m from New England and trying to deal with 2nd generation Catholic guilt.
There’s nothing that I want to write right now, nor is there a zombie movie that I want to watch. There is, however, a compulsion to be productive, or at least, produce the façade of productivity. As I used to tell my students, “The only thing better than having a really good story about why you failed at doing something is actually doing the thing.” I came up with this- and no, I’m not naïve to think that this thought is mine alone. But I had the thought organically, it’s not something I was taught academically or anecdotally.
I jogger just ran by and I don’t know why I can’t be that person. I know I could try. I’d get somewhere to changing clothes and then start thinking about nutrition, so I’d try to drink some water and stretch while eating a banana but then the stretching’ll make me need to take a crap, but I won’t be sure if I really need to or if it’s just pre-run nerves, which opens the door into “What are you so anxious about, you’re just going jogging.” which reminds me that I don’t have any specific plan or route in mind so I need to set that goal as well, but I do suddenly remember my knee feeling a bit… something earlier, so I flex it, and since I’m expecting it to maybe feel strange, the only thing it doesn’t feel is normal.
So I’ve eaten and drank and changed my clothes and it’s been 45 minutes and all I’ve succeeded in doing is talking myself out of going for a run because I’m afraid that my knee is off and more movement will injure it further. This is why I need to get punched in the head. I need accountability and I have none.
I do have a lamp now. I just retrieved it from the kitchen. The corner I’m writing in isn’t set up for this. I have hundreds of dollars of home-office shit- a table and chair, actually, upstairs. I still haven’t set it up. The whole point was that I could go up there and work, since my wife now sleeps downstairs on the living room daybed.
So we have an entire upstairs 2 bedroom that contains my closet-room (we have two rooms in the house that we just use for storage)(adventuring gear takes up a lot of space)(martials arts takes a lot of gear)(it’s nice to have a “gun room”).
I was going to convert some part of that upstairs area- either our existing but not used bedroom, or… look. It comes down to my dog. We’ve decided not to let her go up and down the stairs anymore. She’s too old, and these stairs are not code in any manner. So we have to keep the 2nd floor literally blocked off now because if she can, the old dog will sneak up there into the bed and nap all day- which is great- until we hear her jump-fall off the bed and then achingly thump her way down the stairs.
One of my biggest fears is her hurting herself and me not being able to help. I loathe feeling powerless. Does this come down to the flashbacks I’ve been having of being tickled too much? I hate being tickled. I had a babysitter who used to do it to me. I hate being tickled. I’ve told my wife repeatedly that my reaction to being tickled is to feel justified in breaking that person’s finger. Since, yup. I’ve told them not to tickle me.
Christ, I stepped back there and looked at this train of thought and wondered “What kind of boundaries must have gotten trampled then for me to still be furious about it 40 years later?” Why am I able to summon up such anger on tap? Why do I have so much anger coursing through me that I can’t look too long in any specific direction or I’ll find something worth opposing or ridiculing?
I read last night’s guide entry. I considered sending it to my dad, to send on to his fishing friend. I think it’d make him happy to read of his lasting effect on me, but… how absolutely conceited is that? To think that some elderly man would like trying to decipher this chaos and find a thanks-for-taking-me-fishing-as-a-kid of any value?
I don’t know who my parents have explained about me to. What words do they use? “Personality disorder” sounds so clinical. I don’t have a personality. That’s my disorder. My personal malfunction is that I have no personal in this shell. I have hunger, I have self-preservation, I have a love of warm and sweet things, I love the leaping into cold water… But what is a personality?
I’m very afraid that my wife will leave me. I’m equally afraid that she will not leave me, but will want to. I see those at about 50/50 odds for us riding off into the sunset forever. I fear her dying. I fear dying and leaving her hurt. I don’t understand that last one, since I’ll be gone and unfeeling. Yet, what’s better? Here and unfeeling?
There are too many people on this earth. What odds would you take in order to green light a vacate? What if some higher power came to you and said “We can painlessly remove X percent of the world’s population, but you have no control over the randomness of the vacated and remaining.” I think we all can agree that 5%?
That’s reasonable. We’re bumping along right under 8 billion people at the moment. We need the space. We need the food. Soon, we’ll need the water, and not long after that we’ll be fighting for air. 5% of 8 billion is 4 hundred thousand. That would only reduce our numbers to where they were around 5 years ago. That’s only 1 person out of every 20.
We take 10% of the worlds population out, we’re back looking around 2010 numbers. When were America’s Golden Years? I really suppose it depends on who you ask, but let’s take things Normal Rockwell and look at what kind of change would be required to achieve 1955 level population numbers? We need to shed 6 billion people. Now we’re talking some carrion! That’s 15 people out of every 20.
If we lost 75% of the earth’s population, we’d only be back at 1955 population levels. Like the Eagles said, “I guess every form of refuge has it’s price.” We’ve got safety in numbers. The illusion of, at least. Admit it everyone- one of the biggest romantic ideals associated with any apocalyptic scenario is the looting. In this instance, though, it’s no longer looting, it’s scavenging, or foraging.
It’s walking around smashing open loot boxes, or picking the lock of the hidden door, hoping to find treasure behind. The human condition is to want what we don’t have. I don’t understand the news, I’m just reporting it. What better method of acquisition is there than effortlessly taking possession of something simply because it’s there and no-one else is there?
The last two nights I dreamt of LSD. Not of being on LSD, but of little white tabs of blotter paper. I don’t understand why hedonism isn’t an acceptable route for me anymore. Why are thoughts terminal when there could be so many interesting stops enroute if I only surrender my pride before taking that first step back into the flowing current of the gutter?
How do you decide to live if you’re breathing yet feeling like you’re missing out on life? Would a cocaine addiction be worth it in the long run if I could be productive while under the influence? I read once about an aspiring writer who decided to be a heroin addict for a year, then kick, and then they felt they’d have the proper life experience to fuel good literature. I believe they’d remained a junkie for decades past the plan.
Should I look at these wreckages and pat myself on the back? I can’t. I may be in the minority for those of us still uncaged, but that doesn’t mean I deserve any credit for anything other than figuring out how to squirm into the most rich of nutrient streams flowing through this swamp.
“I wanna go back… and do it all over, but I can’t go back no more…” My undergrad friends are still all friends. They all dropped out after the first year, but they managed to remain human and connected, and I graduated and moved away. Now I’m hiding in a newly-lamp-lit corner, out of coffee and watching them live normal lives on social media. Kids. Politics. Libraries. Bake Sales. Soccer practice.
I’m not a human. These things would make sense. How can my old drug buddies talk of Christ and Forgiveness? For what? We did nothing wrong. We simply lived. That’s still all I can do. Except now I try to disguise it as living simply, and pretending it’s part of a larger plan or idea. It’s really just simple reactionary distrust and fear of anything new.
That said, I’m going with a Bruce Campbell tonight. Never heard of it before, but it just came out. Black Friday “A group of disgruntled toy store employees led by store manager Jonathan (Bruce Campbell) must defend themselves against holiday shoppers turned into monstrous creatures by an alien parasite on Black Friday.” So, right off the bat we know we have a touch of class. Bruce. He has never steered us wrong. Now let’s continue before I analyze the truthfulness of that enthusiasm. Alien parasites. Ok. This one looks funny and weird. I got my hopes up.
Can’t get that Eagles melody out of my mind…
“did he get tired, or did he just go crazy… he shakes his head and stares out into space a while…”