Zombie For Sale
Overall Recommendation
Recommendation?
This is the perfect zombie movie for someone else; maybe you? This is for the people who like happy endings, who don’t want to see the last of humanity washed from the streets. I really liked all of everything, but it’s simply a little too optimistic a movie for me to really fall in love with, you know- hardcore swooning type stuff. When I fall, I fall hard. This is a mashup of rom-com, as well as zom-com, with enough zom-rom thrown in that everything else has to groove to a slightly different trumpet. Did you like Warm Bodies? You’ll love this. Huge fan of Shaun but it’s sort of at the edge of your gory red tolerance level? You’ll love this. It’s smart, funny, well balanced and evenly paced. This is possibly one of the only zombie movies to give me anything resembling The Feels, yet that really wasn’t what I was in the mood for tonight. Let me rephrase this entire section: This movie knocked it out of the park, but I’m not the exact target audience. I mean, I do live on the other side of the world- literally- but that doesn’t stop the true essence of zombies to fail to translate. The zombies translated- there was just 30 minutes too much cabbage eating for my preferences. I would have preferred… gosh, this is hard to say. I… in my current mood, I would have liked less rom-zom and more zom-zom. Every time they shifted gear and got darker, faster, scarier, I leaned forward- I wanted it- I wanted more of it- but then, they’d let off the throttle to make room for a joke or quip or rom-plot movement. I want to see the R-Rated version of this attempt. Turn the dial a few shades darker and let’s give it a go again. For a moment, I was hoping that the movie was going to take a hard turn when the zombie outbreak occurred and go really dark, but instead they flirted with a shadow and then danced back into the light. Fucking great movie, just not exactly my cup of tea in my current mindset.
Plot Autopsy
Plot Autopsy
- A zombie crawls out of a pipe in the ground and goes searching for cabbages.
- The zombie meets a dog and spends an afternoon running away from it.
- The zombie bites dad on the head, so he steals the family savings and goes to Hawaii. I think.
- After a “pay-per-bite” scheme, the zombie and the girl fall in love and then all hell breaks loose.
- An absolutely breathtaking slow-motion classical music zombie mayhem montage… heart all a-flutter.
- Everybody straps a pot to their head. This induces labor.
- There’s a long, confusing battle-royal and a shit-ton of fireworks
- Dad gets back from Hawaii and has to bite all the zombies to revert them to human.
Zombie Description
Zombie Description
Hardcolo human H349-N virus. That’s what the zombies are. See, a, like, diabetic drug… and then this zombie crawled out of a pipe… and he bit a guy… who was able to urinate really well afterwards. So then they intentionally spread the bite through the elderly man gang, and then they all turned into zombies, and then all hell broke loose. But don’t despair! There IS a cure! Just like patient zero spread the virus, the dad’s bite will cure the virus! And, like, the zombies listen to patient zero and do what he says and stuff. For all the zombies here, they didn’t focus on the zombies. They didn’t delve into them, their inner workings, what they feel, what makes them tick. I mean, they DID make it explicitly clear that zombies like cabbage. That… yeah.
Where the money went
Where the money went
The money went into making a competent and enjoyable professional production. There was a script, there were actors, there were special effects, and… a zombie DJ. Plus fireworks! Which, you know… has already been done. I can’t blame them for re-using stuff- there’s only so much in the world to talk about. The Greeks or someone said something like “There’s only 8 stories that can be told”, considering every story known is a variation of one of the eight with different nouns. There were a lot of cool visuals here, although, some weird shit too. Like, why pixilate their own film? Also, I want to know how much cabbage that actor really ate. I bet he can’t even smell the stuff now. Poor fellow.
Best Weapon
Best Weapon
Ok, lemme think here. I think I gotta go with the roman candle gatling gun. That was just… inspiring. As in, I think I want to do this. I doubt I’m going to be able to find any zombies though, so the food court of the local mall during Christmas shopping should work equally well. Other great things? A book. Using a book in martial arts as a weapon. It’s some real Jason Bourne type shit. And let us not forget the flying-drop kung fu kicks! I think there were THREE of them. It was glorious. Finally, I want to thank the gods that a shovel finally broke. Everyday the bucket go to the well, one day the bottom must drop out.
Can I get a hand?
Can I get a hand?
There were all sorts of great hand moments in the film. The zombie breaching out from the pipe, there’s the hand that gets cut off, drops to the ground, and then pixilates, which is totally confusing. I assume it flipped us off, but why would you film something and then blur it out? Maybe it made some other gesture, although I can’t imaging what.
That was new!
That was new!
I’ve never seen a move where they pixilated out a rude gesture. But much bigger than that, I’ve never seen where a zombie bite improves one’s health, even temporarily. I’ve never seen one where a immune person biting the zombies cures them, either. There’s a lot that you have to just grin and accept considering the whole “turn back human again” that they glossed over nicely, too. I’m not sure many people could handle being a zombie, doing zombie shit, and then turning human again. Therapists could charge whatever they wanted. Speaking of, I’ve never seen a toilet like that- I understand that it’s a squat-model; Asian… but… I never seen one. I’ve seen troughs in the floor with running water, but… No, that was new.
Review Notes
Review Notes
Side effects of a diabetic medicine new to the market… Whistleblower.
They’ve been stealing vagrants?
And… this is a scary “crawling out of the pipe” scene, but it could have been a “hand from the earth.”
That was an easy accident.
Where did the tow truck come from? That was quick!
“Just 10cm more and you would have met Jesus!”
No, I don’t think this is luck.
CALTROPS!! That’s what those were!
Pungsan?
Roll title! Whoo! Here we go!!
Gas station.
Trailer.
Two… rabbits.
$1499 for the repair?
“Let me get my hammer!”
There is not much trust here.
“It should be illegal for a preggo to talk like that.”
“I’m so sick of it. She’s practically a vegetarian.”
Oh. Shit. This zombie doesn’t look good.
Complete miss, dude. You suck.
Oh, I love little kids.
I love scenes of zombies chasing little kids even more! SQUEAL!!
Good rock throwing, btw. I’ve done a bit in my time, but not that good.
The dog doesn’t like the zombie.
The zombie… likes the dog too much?
No, wait! He’s running from the dog!
“You got a wig?”
He’s cheating!
That’s… not a toilet. I’ve never seen that before.
Toilet plunger!
Oh! Shit! Zombie bit him! On the… scalp!
That girl is not a good rabbit owner.
She just kicked the zombie in the nuts!
Now they’re both being chased by the dog! Ha!
“Stupid hill.” Preach on, brother! Fuck hills! And fuck berms!
No hug for you!
Don’t fall down! Lame!
Oh, shit! I did NOT see that coming.
Zombie just got launched off the cliff.
I love the Zombie Run. Almost better than Tom Cruise’s.
No, I don’t think the zombie had rape on the mind.
Sirens!
Do they use sirens when dropping someone off there?
“Just wait until I catch that asshole. I’ll bite him back! I swear to god!”
“Why am I sweating so much?” Dude looks like me after eating my wife’s chili.
Got laid off… Fired, actually.
I like any girl that hangs out in a junkyard at night. That’s just bad ass.
The zombie is eating all the chickens! Or doves…
The shovel!!
Well, now we know. In the eternal game of Rock, Paper, Scissors (and Dragon, sometimes) now we know that Zombie beats Shovel.
Nice kick!! I love kung fu!
“Why did you flying-kick him?”
Run Away!
Now they’re watching… Train to Busan. I love it. I fucking LOVE IT.
I like how they all back away from him.
Oh, FUCK! Frying pan to the FACE!!
Did NOT see that coming.
My god, it’s a beautiful language.
No. You don’t ruin eggs with that red shit.
“Zombie Survival Guide”
“Hardcolo human H349-N virus. In layman’s terms, it’s known as Zombie Virus. When the virus enters the body, it mutates the DNA.”
“Wait a minute. I know what that is. It’s in tuna, it makes you smart.”
“That’s DHA, this is DNA.”
“It’s different?”
The soul escapes the body, eh?
“You almost startled my kid to death!” (says the pregnant lady)
Fuck! The cat is glitching! Look at those hand slaps! I love it! It’s good to be alive!
Oh, zombie wants out!
What… the fuck… did he just eat??
Zombie eating cabbage!
Goddamn my feet smell bad. I should either take my socks off or put my shoes on.
“extracted rabies from a dog”
Now there’s a zombie at the kitchen table.
Well, punches to the head work well.
Zombie LOVES cabbage.
I love her vocal tones.
Dad… pissing. Ok.
3 cabbages? Can you imagine how bad his farts are going to be?
Oh, fuck. Mom is hardcore. I think she’s pulling all his teeth.
“He pisses like a young man!”
Dad is… getting younger? Very interesting wrinkle.
He’s slapping the zombie?
“Let me be a good husband to a young bride before I die.”
Lurking and listening and waving a huge drill around…
Horde of old men lining up to get bit…
But the zombie is gone!
Bringing the zombie to a Viagra research lab?
“Indeed, it does have four wheels.”
That is a good run!
Book slapping. That is actually a decent weapon.
The chief’s Kung Fu is Legendary.
“I have a brother I never knew I had.”
Red sauce and cabbage? YUCK.
The mystery of who pulled the zombie’s teeth…
I like this drunken clique of elderly drunks.
Rolling around with his choppers in a… jar… on his stroller… He ready for anything.
Feeding their arms through the hole in the wall? Yuck!
MORE red sauce?
They have monetized zombie bites. That’s fucking new.
And all the old men are running around like a pack of teenagers.
Oh, shit. The money!!
Their dad stole all the money and took off for Hawaii? That’s mean!
Zombie theft attempt #2 is a go!
“I’m going to eradicate the seeds of the Park Family.” That’s fucking dark, man. Fucking dark.
Oh, shit! Now a mob of angry POOR old men want to get bit.
But the zombie only has eyes for cabbage.
Poor actor had to eat so much cabbage.
I wonder what the cabbage budget for the film was?
She’s baiting the zombie into chasing her! She took his cabbage!
Damn, she needs to learn how to make friends.
Another flying kick! I like it!
I love the graphics!! That’s wicked cool!
Oh, shit. This is getting out of control.
They are having the zombie bite everyone!
So much red sauce.
Is he MacGyver?
They gave the zombie a tiny home?
Oh, poor rabbit. This will not end well.
New teeth?
More cabbage.
Zombie has had a make-over…
Zombie has contacts?
And horrible table manners.
Group photo!
They’re all going to eat together? With the zombie?
“Eat together, shit together, sleep together!”
“Like hell.”
Ok… finally he’s showing some aggression.
I hope this takes a turn for the red.
He was never registered?
The cops are on the trail?
Oh, shit… A wedding?
One of the old men…
Well, this is a turn for the dark.
Zombie blows a leaf off her? What does this mean?
“Don’t make that weird sound either!”
She’s sending the zombie off with a backpack of cabbages and red sauce.
Oh, she abandoned him…
Dammit! I just had the worst hiccups! While I was eating grapes. I think I have a vineyard in my lungs.
What is that guy burning?
Oh, shit… the zombies are all around.
Well, That escalated quickly.
I *really* was hoping that this would pick up the pace. Nice.
SLOW MOTION ZOMBIE CLASSICAL MUSIC MONTAGE!! I FUCKING LOVE THESE!!
“Did you get in another drunken fight again? That’s good. Have a drink with me.”
Why is a cop there?
And is that a real gun he’s holding? I don’t think so.
One cop down.
Was that a cap gun?
Damn, she likes the frying pan.
I have often considered how effective a stairwell barricade would be.
They look like a homeless comedy troupe about to fight a real bear for all the pickles.
Dude hiding under a bus. Does not look good for him.
Smart! Good move!
It’s like an urban scavenger Where’s Waldo.
This is some good “End of the world” footage. Really good.
I think there’s gonna be baby complications. As in, having a baby during the zombie apocalypse is complicated.
Ok, the “zombies pushing through the furniture” scene is frightening as hell.
I think I’d stay on the roof for the night.
And really? That’s the MONEY she’s risking her life for?
Oh, I want to do that. 40 roman candles taped together and all firing at the same time.
That is beautiful. I do love fireworks.
Definitely a nod (or rip off from) Romero, who has already documented their hypnotic effect on the undead.
We got baby on the way!
Clothes fight. Pretty common.
Walking amongst them…
And they don’t have the key.
Got strobes, though!
Got a crowd, too.
Seems the light placates them.
What the? A weed whacker?
She cut the zombie’s hand off?
Which then flipped us off?
Which was then inexplicably pixilated out?
As a zombie roasts itself on the roof.
And we have the disco remix of…
I don’t know. But the zombies are loving it. Dance party!!
Really? A zombie DJ?
Baby!!
HEADBUTT!!
KUNG FU KICK!
Zombies breaking through!
Zombies coming in through the roof vent!
“I’m invincible. And you?”
“I’m invincible too!”
That’s quite the throw from a dying man.
That’s… one way… to tow a trailer.
Poor lonely zombie.
Patient zero manages to say her name, and then the other zombies attack him?
And he uses the zippo to blow up the station.
Oh, shit!! He’s a zombie!!
Gamsa.
Here comes dad!!
Here comes the tunnel horde!
HA!! They’re making the dad bite all the zombies to change them back!
————End Transmission——————–
Introduction
Introduction
I don’t want to be writing this introduction. The reason has nothing to do with cinema, or ravenous corpses, or any combination of the two. I don’t want to write this because it’s the 2nd (I think) review in a row that contains accounts of disagreements between me and my wife, and to a reader, that has the potential to come off as this being a “My wife is a jerk” whine-blog. (Whloog?)
It’s not that at all. I spent a good chunk of therapy this afternoon explaining both how and why I’d been a jerk to my wife. The rest of the time was spent explaining why I thought that even after being a jerk to her, I should get a pass on the consequences. I’m exaggerating a bit, of course, but she and I have now gone down one of the darkest paths imaginable and we’re still loving and strong.
Getting into a fight with your partner while both of you are sideways on mushrooms is not a fun experience for anyone. Getting into a fight itself sucks, but when you’re tripping, everything is tangential yet interwoven and connected although separate. Every emotion swings around like a half-naked Miley Cyrus.
Holy SHNIKES that is some intense chili she made. I’m dying. I shouldn’t have told her to put the peppers I grew into it. Jesus. My head is sweating. My face is a glossy, dripping tomato. But the fact that my wife was in the kitchen for the past two days cooking her heart out is part of the patterns of proof of love that I’m picking up on.
Patterns. The actuality of the fight I refer to? And no, this is not the NBA game gusher of come-uppance, this is a sequel. We were tripping on a lot of mushrooms, and we’d just finished watching The Brothers Grimsby, which has way too much elephant penis and bum-holes. Speaking of a Miley Cyrus song, though… We were looking for something else to watch- to take away the taste of elephant semen, and then I clicked over to Amazon Warehouse.
I can’t remember what I was squirreling off down the rabbit hole looking for- but Amazon’s suggested products included a fancy knife-sharpening kit. Glancing at the product info, it includes a diagram of the different angles you want to sharpen a knife-blade to; depending on purpose. I immediately thought back to my youth and the guys who’d sit on the back of their pickup chewing tobacco and sharpening a knife, or the guys who collected replica swords, or the guy who got outlines of different imaginary knives he’d “designed” (drawn the outline to) tattooed up and down the entirety of his arms.
I giggled a tad and said “Ha! Wierdos!” and then kept clicking. My wife asked me what I meant by the comment, and I quickly tried to explain that such a specialized setup would only be used by someone who already knew what angles to sharpen knives to per purpose, so the fact that they were including a beginners manual in such specialized tooling was ridiculous- if you’re ready to use the kit, you already *know* what angle you’re aiming for sharpening to. Additionally, any idiot with a $3.99 machinist’s stone can sharpen a knife, you don’t need to purchase specialized anodized aluminum color-coded handed tools.
My wife countered that one of her old friends- who was a hunter- used to sharpen his own knife all the time. I acknowledged that there was a time and place to sharpen knives, but stated again that I thought the kit was overkill, and then explained about my youth in small town America and my opinion of people who collect swords (Seriously, I have to quit using this reference, there’s literally a sword hanging on the wall three feet from me.).
She then told me about how her mother, an excellent cook, wanted to learn how to keep her kitchen “tools” sharp, so she asked her husband (my father-in-law) how to sharpen her knives, and he taught her, and from that point on her mom sharpened her own knife like good cooks do. I blew a tiny gasket and explained that I’ve *been* a cook in a restaurant, and we had a service come take the knives every couple of weeks and replace them with identical yet sharper knives; I *can* appreciate a sharp knife. It was while I was ranting (pointing out) that creating fine cuisine and sharpening knives are not at all related and the only cooks who sharpen their own knives are the ones who want to.
And then I realized it. We weren’t talking about the same thing. I asked her to step back a moment with me; she was talking about people who sharpen knives for utilitarian purposes, and I was talking about people who sharpen their knives for the aesthetic of ego and wanting to be seen as that dangerous, silent loner in black who always sits with his back to the wall and where he can see the entrance. (Seriously- if you’re one of these guys who insists on these seating conditions when you’re out on a date in the hopes that she’ll be impressed with your “ready to handle anything” skillz, yet you don’t actively have anyone out looking to shoot or beat or arrest your ass, then what the hell are you hiding from? The fact that you’re not interesting enough to have people looking to shoot or beat or arrest your ass? Stop posing!)
As I said this final bit outlining both her position (utilitarian knife sharpening occurs) and my position (some people are posers) were not actually entwined or related at all. She was talking about the nutritional value of an orange, I was describing the happy mayhem that occurs when you stuff a firework inside an orange and then throw the thing up in the air over a parking lot, splattering all the cars with tiny sticky citrusy bits- We were not talking about the same thing.
As I finished explaining this “different yet equal” epiphany validating both our positions, I suddenly imagined two plastic shapes that interlock in the center if you turn them one way, and will uncouple if turned the other way. In real life, as I visualized this image of our miscommunication though, I clapped my hands together in a really loud, fast, scissoring motion. Which is not a friendly thing to do to someone who is tripping… ovaries.
Wowzers, did she get pissed at me. Eventually, after everything was said and unsaid and done and undone, I asked her if she’d consent to snuggling silently with me, as I was done talking for the evening. The next morning I woke up and asked her- “I need to know what I can say to you when you’re enraged that will lead us to an off-ramp so we don’t have to go all the way and let the fight run it’s course. “What can I say to you that will allow us to de-escalate the situation?”
After a bit of thought, she said “Tell me that you have said everything you want to say in the conversation and have achieved resolution, and then ask me if there’s anything else I *I* want to say before we shut the conversation down.” I looked at her for a moment. “Am I allowed to say that to you? Am I allowed to say “I’m done with this conversation, is there anything else you want to say?”; after a brief pause, she answered “Well, maybe don’t phrase it exactly that way.” So… Yeah. Puzzlation.
My therapist helped me with a couple of suggestions, some validation, and plenty of encouragement. It’s almost like I can sense what he’s going to say right before he says it, but more because I’ve myself just arrived at that thought, but it’s his conversational turn to speak, so he gets to state it. I suppose I could insist that only I get to talk, since I’m paying, but that’s silly. I wonder if there is a market for people willing to pay others to simply listen to them without replying, or just replying through mime, perhaps?
I want to commit a crime staged exactly just so as to necessitate the testimony of a professional mime in court. I think I’m onto something here. Add some cocaine and you have a Pryor and Wilder script. Ok, a LOT of cocaine. So much that we could power a Ministry record. You hear me, Al? Standing offer!
So, the point is- my wife and I got into a fight while tripping reproductive organs and we were not only able to work our way through it, after therapy today I have some ideas for how I can be less of a dick as well. So far, I sense a potential win-win, which really is the only thing worth accepting.
In other news, the van is in the shop for a new power steering pump and possibly a new radiator. It’s not going to be ready for this Thanksgiving break- wife works tonight, sleeps tomorrow, and we were planning on taking the pups out and over-roading the state, but now we’ve been forced to pivot to the other direction and flee west, to the coast. Got a suite in a little place in a tiny town set up for a couple nights R&R. Heh. Ah, yes.
And I have a phone interview for some IT job at a dental company tomorrow, but I’m sure I want the job- it pays just a little more than working at McDonalds, and hopefully the issue is going to resolve itself since they state there’s a drug test and I’m not quitting the pipe for French fry money, you feel me?
Hit the gym for the past couple days. How can I ignore something that makes me feel so good when I do it? How can I procrastinate something that hurts my body like a beating if I *don’t* do it? People talk about how opioid withdrawal feels like the worlds worst flu- cramps, spasms, shaking, nausea… Yeah. I get all those things if I don’t work out for a couple of days.
Speaking of, the gym is closed tomorrow, so I might find myself hiking up some ridiculous shit just for the exercise. Only got, like, 4 months before the big snow-trip. My buddy is heading out tomorrow, I’m jealous. I told him “I’m not worried about you eating too many mushrooms and freaking out, and I’m not worried about you going snow-camping. I am worried about you going snow camping, eating too many mushrooms, and freaking out. If you’re gonna go that route, stick to the backpacking until you’re back in society and then streak a Walmart or something.”
Well, shit. I’d just decided on a movie and I realized that Amazon no longer is offering it. Ok, Juan, I tried! You’re still in the watch queue, so keep calm and zombie on. However, this opens up the possibility of what will I watch? Do I really dare another of the Outpost series? I’m not sure I can process another one of them this quickly.
Got it. I’m swerving in the other direction. I’m ducking when they thought I would dodge. I’m fighting ice with fire. I’m drinking air and breathing dirt. I’m not making any sense. Zombie for Sale “When the illegal human experiments of Korea’s biggest Pharmaceutical company go wrong, one of their “undead” test subjects escapes…” How perfect can the teaser for a zombie movie be? This has everything, yet gives nothing away. I just took the dogs out and had a smoke- it’s very foggy. It’s the perfect night for shamble zombies. I got my hopes up.