Survivors
Introduction
Introduction
This being the Christmas exhibition and all, I thought I’d just type “Christmas Zombie Movie” into Amazon and press Go with whatever the first option was- and at first glance, my well-reasoned plan appeared to have yielded good results! There’s actually a movie called “Christmas Zombies”! Ok, maybe that’s not it’s name? And maybe it came out in 2020, so, like, this Christmas. Unless… no. Yeah.
Have to be of this Christmas. Which, fuck 2020. So- yeah- definitely a shitstorm year perfect for zombies.
Even Mel Gibson made a Christmas horror movie this year. And I think he did so even leaving the Christ horror out of it, like in that other Christmas summer movie. Christ summer movie. I think it happened in the summer.
I’m not biblical, and I didn’t see the movie, but I don’t think they were wearing coats in the trailer. So… Summer? And then I’m all reading this Christmas Zombie blurb, and it says a bunch of stuff about an elf and a dad putting a new twist on whatever and then it closes with “Intentionally, silly, clean, and very funny.”. Well. No. Not sure what movie I’m talking about at the moment.
But that was enough to get me looking for option B. And I found it. Not because I have anything against, well, funny, clean, silly, intentional zombie movies. Shaun of the Dead was ALL of those things, and I think it’s the bee’s clean intentional (WTF auto correct?) knees.
But- if you have to put it in the descriptive blurb, it’s neither ok nor correct. It’s like the note on the box in the woods my friend and I once found, about how the person would be right back with the makings for a sandwich, but they only had enough for one extra to share, but if you waited, they’d make you a sandwich when they got back. And that they weren’t weird or crazy or anything.
And that last bit was the part that not only got us walking a little faster down the trail away from the box with note of offered future sammich, we now always use this as our “Nah, that’s not creepy at all!” reference- along with the statement about “If you have to tell people you’re not creepy, you probably are.” And the attempted telling them you’re not is most probably re-enforcing that perception.
So. I wasn’t going to watch this- not because of the idiotic dad telling a story that sounds like an elf going postal- yet in a silly clean way- No, I got issue with that moronic “Intentionally… Very funny”. Shaun of the dead doesn’t say anything that dumb, they just go on and show you a good time.
If these jokers gotta talk about it, chances are that’s all they got. And they want $8.00 for it. And when I just confirmed that, I saw the words “Robot stuffed zombies” which, you know, normally would have me sitting here wondering if I’d just chosen poorly. But wait! I have forethought!
Because as soon as I “Hell No’d!” Christmas Zombies, I scrolled down a tad and saw “Survivors” which has a really cool artistic cover of a gas mask and a body being carried and some blood spill and the words “Infection is coming.” I’m curious, I click on it… “Three people battle to stay alive as a deadly virus sweeps across the globe, infecting the population and ending civilization as we know it.”
You want some unfiltered first thoughts going into it? I don’t want to watch this movie because that single sentence is so good. It so perfectly summarizes everything I ever want about or in a zombie movie. No fluff. And honestly, I don’t even want to see three different people!!
I smoke way too much pot to keep those kinds of details separate. Give me one person at a time. If I had forever and someone I paid to edit movies for me, I’d have them re-edit this one into three separate singular narratives that would play one at a time consecutively instead of telling the stories all concurrently.
As I guess I’m assuming they do here. I may be wrong there. Here. Seriously though. Adam J Spinks, you directed this. I bet you starred in it? Why is there just one name here- yours? It says there’s three people. So, who played them?
This is wonderful in that there’s no review, no stars… All I got is that we’re looking at one hour and twenty-nine minutes of horror. Assuming no one lied about anything. As usual, regarding that there trailer… Nick Frost said it best in Paul, when he said that thing about “No Peaking” or “No Hints” or whatever when he was bitching that Shaun’s character always knew what was going on in Battlestar Galactica first ‘cause his mom had cable or something. I’m not watching the trailer, in other words. Even though Nick gave in and got brain-zapped by Paul 15 seconds later. Typing is REALLY hard at the minute.
Intro thoughts take two.
A little bit after I finished the above I took a nap. Or passed out. Or rested my eyes. It’s now… later. Almost 7pm exactly. And I’m pleased to share that I’ve got a cup of coffee, the dogs are fed, I’ve eaten a gummy and cooked some shepherds pie for tomorrow.
It’s Christmas eve, and what better way to spend it than with a zombie movie since the wife is at work? And since it’s Christmas, the universe has seen fit to actually provide me with the Director’s Cut of Survivors, which is tagged as 2015, when the regular is from 2019.
They’re both 1 hour 29 minutes, so I’m not sure what exactly the director cut and then decided to leave back in? Maybe the color green or something? All automobile sounds have been replaced with seagull noises?
But the Director’s cut actually has more names for us. Adam Spinks is still the director, but we have some actors. David Anderson. There’s an Adrian Annis, which starts off with a cool name- I like Adrian- it’s like Malaki. But then Annis.. I think it’s a spice? Like Fennel? Fuck Fennel.
And if it’s not a spice, it’s a weak sounding name. Like if you were named after a crappy spice that people generally felt ruined bagels. Then there’s Lydia Kay. ‘Kay. Unless you’re geography in Florida, your name indicates you’re not capable of much impressive.
It’s time to watch this, but what version? The OLD director’s cut, or new… release? Who cut this new one? The janitor? A democratic process by all financial venture backers? A bootleg by one of the actors? I’m going director’s cut. ‘Kay.
Review Notes
Review Notes
I never know if the hair net goes over or under the gas mask.
That said, I like the beginning credits. Fairly well shot, decent special effects for the bleeding girl, but was that a fake gunshot?
First person is great when all I can see is time and shoes and hear a wuss asking strangers for help.
A very combative version of that girl from Bourne Identity.
“Look at my like this.” “Yeah, it’s amazing.” This guy will say anything…
We have earnest British people. I don’t know that I like the film style. Like… this is being shot out of her armpit.
And she’s waking up in the back seat of a car with bruises all over her face and the windows busted out. That’s called the result of selling out your journalistic integrity.
Lost yer camera man. But I think that’s part of the plot.
I don’t like the cameraman whispering. I’d kick him out of the room too.
I’m fairly certain that investigation documentaries film every moment of bed-sitting. This guy is really enjoying being a photographer.
“What did I say?” – Said to small dirty stuffed dashboard SpongeBob SquarePants.
Even I can tell that dude is evil! And he’s got golf clubs. So obvious. Exactly. He’s such a dick.
Ok, got some issues with the sound. Just met a dirty guy sitting in the dirt by the side of a dirt road, and he called someone, and they were curt and hung up, and he’s depressed, but I couldn’t hear what was said, so… I have no idea where the plot is. I think I just met another lead character and I have no idea why dirty pants is grumpty.
Cheap ass plane crash. Could have been worse, could have been better. If you can’t do it great, don’t do it.
“I think you should do whatever makes you sound less stupid.” This is about how I’d feel after following her around trying to help with her movie.
Shit-I’d have paid for Americans to act British, I can’t understand half of what they’re saying. It’s like Jamaican patios. Or British actors who know how to sound British. “Just because he IS David Hasselhoff doesn’t give him the right to PLAY David Hasselhoff…” I just added that from something else that I absolutely cannot find reference to. I know I’m whining. I shouldn’t have to put subtitles on an English movie, but here we are- 15 minutes in. And they’re not lining up with the movie correctly. Yay!
So… Reporter Punch Face (RPF) and Dirty Pants are looking for someone… but the narrative keeps jumping back and forth to when she was starting the documentary. To now. At least she got punched in the face a lot so I can easily tell the difference between the two eras.
Duke. Dude. That’s a bloody hat. Almost as bad as a bloody glove.
28 Days Later called. They want their vibe back. Just watched that with the wife last night. My 30 somethingish time, her first. Got a huge big jump out of her when the through the window happened, but overall she handled it way better than I did the first time. I think I’d smoked hash or something. I remember being dissociative with fear. My wife… got distracted by the munchies. Repeatedly.
The camera work is either A: They got one good setup and are filming everything with it, regardless of if a different lens or whatnot could work better, or B: We got someone who thinks they’re the shit at the helm and they expect an Oscar. If those are given out to camera chimps.
So. Slow burn or nothing happening? Got some good corpses. Including a very dead Steve Bannon.
FUCK. Ok, just jumped like crazy. Fuck. Got me. With a fucking squeaky toy. Jesus, my heart is racing.
Wow. Good. Scary. WHOOT.
And here’s the fun- the subtitles are automatically generated by some algorithm that is having the same trouble I am with the accent. It’s not like someone took the time to write helpful shit out, it’s just garbled guesses from HAL 2000 trying to lip-read a speak-n-spell.
I’m a bit peckish. I’m trying to ignore the big tray of brownies in the kitchen.
And breaking into huge gothic churches during the zombie apocalypse is always a good idea. Nothing creepy ever happens in them.
There’s something scary about a tipped over baby stroller. You know things have gone south.
Dirty Pants looks like a damn zombie.
Dirty Pants is a damn stalker.
“She was like Sparko on the floor” … great way to describe your mom, kid, even if she IS a zombie. What does that mean? I should remember to look it up. I like when British people call each other funny things. “Donut” is one of my favorite British put-downs, I think. That rapper The Streets is awesome. So is Plan B, but I only like a couple of his singles, some are a bit singy-songy, but I think he’s like, an actor more? So, he’s an actor playing a musician who makes pretty good music? I think? Ill Manors. Dope.
Sparko
People talking about how they were helping dead people and stuff and there’s no blood on them at all. Could have paid a little more attention to this scene.
Oh, drug trials just got mentioned! I think that’s plot! And then the interview got shut down!
Why film this dude cleaning his lens? This doesn’t make the movie more authentic! It shows you’re think on material!
I want to eat at the Flaming Grill. I want a cheeseburger from it.
Newspapering the windows. That’s… optimistic. Especially since you got all the lights and TVs on and everything.
Is a known zombie apocalypse happening? These idiots don’t seem to have an appropriate sense of urgency.
That’s not what it looks like when someone gets shot. And that’s not how people react when someone is gunned down right next to them. That scene was a fail. The soldier… failed. Less hair gel next time.
I really don’t understand why Intrepid Reporter and Dirty Pants aren’t carrying weapons or showing any real situational awareness.
I mean, this is creepy as fuck. Doing a great job on the ambiance. But I don’t feel like you’re scared. I’m getting more of a “my friend wandered off in da club and I met a guy I want to leave with but I can’t leave with him if she’s still here cause I’m her ride but if she already left with someone I’m gonna be so pissed that I spent this time looking for her…”
And 28 Days Later wants their billboard thingy back.
Ok, I had an epiphany while I was on a brownie break there. Damn… Whoooo! Uh.. Yeah. Big problem with this movie is how they framed the presentation. We’re being shown the leadup to the zombie apocalypse, where she’s wandering around trying to get interviews and she’s got some idiot with a camera following her who won’t shut the fucking thing off. We’ll call that Pre. And then there’s also the Post narrative, showing Intrepid Reporter Woman and Dirty Pants wandering around the corpse and squeaky-toy littered wastelands. And normally this wouldn’t be an issue, no matter how high I was. But they keep breaking and then throwing up the 3rd or 4th wall or whatever each time they jump narratives- it’s like if they were filming a road trip but the two different camera angles showed different vehicle interiors, or scenic locals. This is the equivalent of narrative A being shot in a 70’s love-van driving through the everglades, while camera B is shot inside a parked taxi in Manhattan. It’s disjointing to say the least. You can’t keep making the camera-man a character and then asking us to remember that there’s actually no-one behind the camera. I kind of feel like there’s no-one behind the camera. There’s a no one behind the camera.
Have we seen a fucking zombie yet? 35 minutes in and I’ve been creeped out and scared, but I don’t think I’ve seen shit.
Ok, now I’ve seen that guy’s nose. Huge.
Gotta give respect to the sound on this film. Totally sets the vibe, and it’s scary as hell.
Undead… or dying… mottled… ick…. I’m genuinely fucking antsy. I like this so far… Slow burn is ok as long as there’s some fucking ignition, you know?
Frosted glass was a wonderful touch, but how about some splatter?
No, you haven’t earned the right to an artistic shower. Those mean something cinematically and you’re just making shit up as you go.
Next on “Picking up tweakers”
Fuck… my Pitbull just growled in her sleep and I jumped.
I’m creeped. This is good.
Fucking car broke down? Bonnet? Where’s the sense of urgency?
“Well, if you drive the car like an idiot, it’s going to break.”
Ok. Fucking Katy Perry Zombie in a Kia. Fucking A. Fucking Excellent. Fucking A. I got so many issues with the camera man or editor or cinematic director or whatever…. In a nutshell, if it’s found footage, you can’t edit Katy Perry Zombie so much, since Camera-Monkey is just filming. And we know he sure as shit didn’t turn it off when Katy Perry Zombie got out of the car, so WTF happened? He filmed 20 minutes of Intrepid Woman Reporter sitting on a bed looking at documents, but cut the camera off after 45 seconds of filming the first actual zombie they find? And Intrepid Woman Reporter? Are you on Valium? In real life or in the movie? Why the fuck aren’t you scared yet?
“I’m a journalist.” You said it meaning it as a serious line, but it came off like “I… am a librarian.” From The Mummy. I’m sorry. Neither of you are actors. Katy Perry Zombie is one. Dirty Pants… Why are you here?
Oh, that’s good dead zombie walk…
I’m not sure I’d do the hiding under the desk thing…
But.. Eurotrash with a cap gun… looks like Lead singer of Everclear…
Fuck! Back in time again. And wandering into random houses… Rodney Dangerfield… looks a bit coked up. They crashed a party. This is a fucked scene.
We’re adding a lot of drama and philosophy here just over halfway in…. let’s question are they people or monsters?
And don’t get caught filming strangers. You suck at journalism. And this explanation of how to use the camera sucks.
That guy’s eyebrows…
These kids should have interviewed… interviewers… documentarians… before trying to play them. It’s like watching non-musicians try to pretend they’re playing a guitar.
And this is creepy as fuck!
Rodney Dangerfield and Duke are off and running! An unlikely pair!
No! You do not open the fucking green barricaded door!
I didn’t write a word for a hot bit there! Damn! Yummy!
Ok… Uh… Intrepid Reporter Woman is a fucking idiot of the “Let’s all break up and search the mansion separately, guys!” type…
But that little girl… and then fat-face… Shit! All good stuff!!
And then we ran away and dropped the camera and stuff. Good stuff!
So, we’ve met Survivalist Mumbler. He is damn near unintelligible. I think he’s describing a soccer game.
His gloves are brand new.
Oh gosh, locked up. The survivalist mumbler has locked them up. The evil that men do. He’s got another girl locked up too.
“They’ll ride in on their whales to see the damage they’ve done.”
What is going on? Super emotional and we’re duct taping dynamite into a girl’s hands and mumbling about being a martyr?
I mean, I think she’s been bit? Is that veins showing up?
(insert generic shot sound here)
Survivalist Member just blew up the superfluous girl. And he’s interrogating Dirty Pants about how it all works?
Turns out Dirty Pants is a big wig in the company that starter this all. Oh, it’s a huge plot twist that Dirty Pants is actually an inside plant.
But… this movie has taken bit of a turn away from good zombie movie and into “The evil that men do” graphic drama crap. I don’t need to see these guys red-faced in and bulgy jaw lines.
I don’t care about your theory on people’s pressure points. This is all crap that the writer thought would be the main part of the movie, the meat and bones that differentiates it from all the other ones, but I’m really just wishing we could go back to more Katy Perry Zombie, or Rodney Dangerfield, etc. Anything actually, other than this plot twist. The Mumbling Survivalist is not a good addition to this movie. Were this a pick-a-path adventure, I’d go back to page 34 and not ask him to join my band of adventurers into the dark cave at the edge of the forest.
This looks like a jihad video that the intrepid reporter is reading her way through.
And she’s gotten dragged out and tied up with dynamite.
And here come the zombies shuffling in towards her.
Dirty Pants has freed himself and taken a wrench to the mumbling survivalist. Knock unconscious first, ask questions last. Yup. Good plan.
Ok, some of the best faked gunshots I’ve seen. Almost look good enough, but I think that was a Desert Eagle or Baby Eagle- big caliber handgun- and he’s not reacting when he shoots. I don’t know how’d you’d fix it, but it’s missing something. Even when well done.
Who puts the door handle in the dead center of the door? Is this a common British thing? I should look it up. Like, I’d feel it for a round hobbit door, but…
Whooo. Those brownies give me serious issues. Way rich. I need to remember milk.
Coffee has milk.
Ok. We got 15 minutes left and I don’t really think anything worth caring about has happened.
I just started thinking about a Jeep trip out to Nevada where we broke our axle and everything went to shit. I can’t wait to go back again next year. Just saying.
This got boring again. Just walking around a house all out of focus. I’m sure this is symbolic, but it’s like the shower- you have to earn your artistic moments.
Shit, dirty pants looks like a zombie. So does intrepid reporter woman.
And I would also break out in giggles if I found my dead friend Joyce.
Dirty pants looks like if Dave Grohl mated with a caricature of a weasel.
Suddenly we introduce all-black wearing bad-asses. They’re driving a ford focus or something pathetic, but… Dirty Pants wants to add some plot in all of a sudden? 10 fucking minutes in and…
He’s got some dynamite… A new hat… A dirty shirt…
Dirty Pants looks like Tom Greene. These two hit men take themselves far too seriously. And that one is no-whereas intimidating or good looking as he thinks he is
Ahh. The old “Shoot me in my bag of dynamite” trick. I can usually take out 2 or 3 international assassins with it.
Did the helicopters drop off half-inflated kayaks?
Seriously? That’s the end? You end the movie like that? Dragging crap out into the surf? Is that analogous of your script? Flush it out to sea?
Oh! After a bunch of sound clips to a black screen, we’re back!
She’s washed up somewhere… guys in green chemical suits. Slow techno music. Those suits wouldn’t stop covid.
She’s got her camera with her though, and she’s doing the same sly filming…
And she’s smiling a bit… and he says.. “You’re late”. Was that her camera man? I think? I think I saw those huge eyebrows? But maybe not? Who was that? Why? Why do I care? I don’t.
————End Transmission——————–
Plot Autopsy
Plot Autopsy
- It’s the past and we’re trying to prove Umbrella Corporation, I mean, some other corporation… human testing… deaths… cover-up…
- Dirty Pants and Intrepid Female Reporter take barbiturates and wander aimlessly around the zombie apocalypse
- There’s about 15 minutes of good zombie movie thrown in for good measure
- A mumbling survivalist captures us and tries to blow us up with dynamite as zombie trap bait
- Turns out Dirty Pants… has something to do with Umbrella Corporation
- Hitmen show up and so does a kayak and we meet someone in green and smile
Zombie Description
Zombie Description
This is both the easiest and hardest part to write. The zombies were fucking awesome. And there. That sentence also encapsulates exactly how much zombie there actually was in this movie. A sentence’s worth. Now, damn better zombies that than sentence is. That’s a pretty generic sentence. Nothing fancy or flowery. But boy, those zombies! Well… The plot had some crap about how the zombies are a result of human testing by some big corporation. And part of turning into one evidently is “Going all Sparko” on the floor, or whatever. But, they’re medical-testing-gone-wrong zombies. That’s force-fed to us as the literally singular plot point at multiple times. Good old bite transmission too, with a bit of a turning time. Long turning time when considered in the modern “You got 12 seconds to kill or flee” zombie bite mythos. This delayed turning point was used well to create the best moments of this movie- We met Katy Perry Zombie when she was dead in her car, and then she changed while we puttered about the accident, and then she flailed a bit before starting to get loose. There was the little girl in the attic who is about the scariest thing besides that fucking squeaky toy ever. Then the dude they had to drag out of the car? The begging one? That they filmed themselves abandoning, crying and bleeding profusely in the middle of a parking lot? Didn’t they steal his car too? Maybe I’m imagining that last part. But think about it. Who… ahem… Who are the *real* monsters when we treat each other so badly? And then… all the sanctimonious crap is out the window ‘cause we’re wiring dynamite up to screaming young women and dragging them out to blow them up. So… Can’t remember where I was going there, but that whole plot line addition should have been left out. The zombies were really good, adding in that nutter just side-tracked things. I can’t remember if we saw any zombies biting anyone? After Eyebrows and Rodney Dangerfield made a run for it, some fat face zombie wandered back in, but I don’t think anyone actually got bit. Sooo… They’re dangerous because we think they’re gonna bite us, but we might just be being prejudiced. Ooh! There’s that “Who’s the monster now?” philosophy again. Speaking of, that was bullshit to add whatever that ranting was in. Like an obligatory checkmark to try to make your movie intellectual. They’re zombies. Some of the best seconds of this movie were of feet. Bloody, twisted, corpse feet staggering unevenly over broken glass and stained carpet, but… you did excellent shooting feet. Even with your singular camera lens.
Where the money went
Where the money went
Didn’t go to subtitles, didn’t go to script, didn’t go to acquire more than a single camera lens… I think the money went to hire a fucking professional audio person, and for some damn good zombie make-up. And extras. The extras in this were good. The actors themselves… not so much. I liked Rodney Dangerfield, if he was supposed to be that unhinged. I think he was. The zombie effects were great- top notch. The make-up on Dirty Pants tho… it was obvious that someone was just rubbing rouge into his eye sockets and calling it good by then end of shooting. Not sure why they needed to look perpetually exhausted to the point of having taken an extra month’s worth of gamma rays in the past minute. I dig it, no-one looks good in the zombie apocalypse. But you should have shown more fucking zombies. 20 seconds of Katy Perry Zombie was just enough for me to fall in love. And then you cut it. Let her out of the damn car and let’s run around a little? No? Why? Because your ______________ photographer refuses to shoot anything other than slight-zoom middle-distance? It’s so fucking artistic it hurts and I was tired of it 20 minutes in. A 12-year-old passerby with nothing to do and working for pizza and bragging rights could have shot the movie better simply because they would have tried new things instead of aiming to produce a fucking masterpiece in the one chance you’ll ever get. Yes, it felt that bad and forced. Even when you shot it sideways or whatever when they hid under desks, it was forced! Good, but forced! Talking about forcing things… people, please. Shoot real guns. Shoot real blanks out of real guns. If you can’t do that, you shouldn’t be filming zombie movies. That’s rough but true. It can’t be more than a couple thousand more to add in some real iron and powder, but the change… priceless. Fuck. Don’t pay to have some frothing idiot play a mumbling survivalist and instead shoot some blanks off in an action scene! Totally beats dynamite explosions off-screen. I feel like the actress got paid decent actress money for this. Everything in ratio, of course. But that said, I think she deserves the pay in some other venue or capacity. I think I saw a good actress doing something she was completely unsuited for. Sort of like Tom Green playing Dirty Pants in a movie. I want to go back to the zombie effects, dammit, ‘cause that’s the most important thing here right now. You did great zombie effects with no zombie horror. That’s what was missing. It was all creepy without being frightening! The fucking squeaky toy was the biggest scare of them all, the rest was just fucking scary. And that’s ultimately where you fell short as a zombie movie. You should have let your inner and outer zombies run wild and do zombie shit. They’re not just backdrop for some stupid story about… fuck. I don’t even remember the plot, it was so self-referencing. But you needed more of what you did best. Zombies. And less of what you thought was plot. It wasn’t- it was just filler words on your papers in your filler script.
Best Weapon
Best Weapon
The squeaky toy. I had to go wipe after that scene just to be sure. And my dog randomly growling and scaring the shit out of me. I… should have gone and wiped again, I guess. Dynamite? For what? Making us cringe? And exploding off-screen? In a Pass/Fail, evaluation, that idea was a fucking fail and I’ll take a hard pass. A wrench? A messenger’s tote bag with a dynamite IED that you can convince an evil corporate hitman to shoot you in? Killing… both of you and as well as a bonus hit man? Frosted glass? See, there wasn’t much violence here. There wasn’t much of anything. This was like The Dead Don’t Die, where The Movie Doesn’t Do Anything and for better or worse, there wasn’t any… Eddie Murphy… Rick Morranis… Groundhog Day… Billie Irish…. Fuck. What… is… his… name. Point being, there wasn’t much excitement, and they phoned in most of what there was, so there weren’t any real good killings or weapons.
That was new!
That was new!
Not a hell of a lot. I’ll admit that I usually stay away from the found footage films, since in my humble they’re generally the realm of the laziest of wanna-be’s. This one was sort of novel to me in that instance, but this doesn’t mean I enjoyed it. I could have if the two narratives (Pre and Post zombie apocalypse) didn’t muddle things up so bad, but hopping between 2D and 3D in that sense just fucked with my head and confused me. And if that metaphor did the same to you, good. I am wracking my addled memory trying to remember anything really “new” from this.
Can I get a hand?
Can I get a hand?
No, you cannot, but you can get a superbly staggered dead foot walking scene. Oh, that was luscious. That was so good. Those feet…I felt the same raw terror that I did when I was 12 and watching whichever Nightmare on Elm Street has the body bag getting dragged down the hall by the invisible Kruger. Those slow feet with the aimless shuffle and a shadow slowly sliding along the wall? So good.
Overall Recommendation
Recommendation?
28 Days Later’s barbiturate-addled younger sister’s film-school project. That’s about the best way to put this. It wasn’t really anything. It was a story of what was, then what is, and then the military mindset shows how fucked up it is, and then humanity triumphs at the end. Seriously. They even ripped off the church, the message board, the slowly wandering through the homes of our past… Trying to add some shred of investigative resident evil bullshit with plot twists of the man we thought we trusted actually being part of the corporation… and then hitmen. Man, I can’t point at exactly what this movie does wrong, and maybe there really isn’t any glaring flaw, but there is a lack, and that’s both definitely pronounced and perpetually noticeable. Intrepid female reporter never seems scared of the zombie apocalypse, in fact, it’s as if everyone has already read the script and knows the fate of their character and is completely at east and resigned to it and thus can’t be bothered to summon any actual emotion for the movie unless its *their* closeup or whatever and boy, then they can turn on the froth. But that’s it. What’s missing. The movie. The reason for them all to be there. The zombies. If this isn’t a zombie movie, then write it about whatever the hell it is about and find something else to stage it against. Because if this is a zombie movie, and you have the capacity and ability to do the zombies so damn good, you’re doing yourself and us a serious disservice to not delve more deeply into it, to really lean into it, and swing for the fences. Imagine what you could have produced if you’d dared to risk and gamble. This is too safe and tidy, this has obviously checked boxes, this has studied, perceptive film-making at heart. Serious stuff. But the celebration is missing. The passion is absent.