F.E.A.R.
Introduction
Introduction
Thoughts going into it? Well, this isn’t a normal review session- my wife is at work for a couple of hours, so I’m going to dive in and see what I can crank out. I guess I should have looked at run length before picking this one- at an hour forty, it’s a bit longer than the average offering. As for average though, it’s a three-star crap-shoot. And the odds are stacked against me, I FEAR, since there’s not only two directors, but one of them is also a star of the movie. I was looking at Zombie Strippers, which is a legitimate zombie movie- I mean, hell, it’s got Freddy Kruger, and if that doesn’t scream zombies, I don’t know what will. But I’m kinda hesitant to watch that one since it’s such a cliché of the saddest truths of our (and most) gore-related genres.
I guess it’s the same reason that other crappy movie I just reviewed made sure that I heard the sounds of a woman urinating. It’s like “What exactly shall we announce are our assumptions regarding our audience.” That’s why I don’t want to review the stripper one, I’m afraid it’s going to rest on bad self-referencing genre jokes, dead-pan asides to the camera, and a lot of boobs. I have issues with none of it. Give me a plate of each.
But don’t fucking put portions of them on the same plate unless there’s a common culinary theme running the vein of the table, uniting all the offerings under one, universally succulent palate. I don’t want to see zombies if the point of the movie is boobs, and vice versa; although, after working in the adult industry for a couple years, I’d prefer zombies over boobs. I haven’t spent years watching zombies- yet. I mean, I have, but not for 10 hours a day and 6 days a week. I’m not saying that I’m opposed to putting this kind of time in on the zombie front either though, and I think that’s what I’m doing here- putting in the time, grinding- a little cock-a-roach.
I was just watching a YouTube video where the guy goes out camping for three nights without any food and he’s just going to eat whatever he forages. Turns out he’s going to a lake, and he catches a big ass bass on his first night out. Good deal! And then he describes how he’s going to cook it (I don’t know why he left the scales on?) and then he starts singing about fish heads, but not THE song about roly poly fish heads– no- he starts singing his own made up on the spot song about how wonderful the fish head soup is going to be for breakfast tomorrow morning. My wife is half Vietnamese and you won’t ever be able to get me excited about fish head soup. Ever.
Have I eaten some fish heads? Yes, under certain circumstances it’s the right thing to do. Sometimes you have to assert your Alpha-Dominance of the situation and grabbing the fish and biting it’s head off is one way to do it. Not the tastiest, but it’s really effective. Trust me. But he’s not even going about it like that. He’s holding up a go-pro at a sad angle and singing into it and damned if he’s not trying to convince himself to actually stay out there the whole night and actually eat that crap in the morning when what he really wants to do is skoodle on back to the car where he’s got a can of pringles and some beef jerky. But it’s survivalism, as a skill, and it’s something that I do take seriously, although, I only know the very basics of fishing.
I’ve got a bit more experience hunting, but nothing formal that I’m proud of. And my fishing level of competence is slightly below “flailer”. But I do want to learn, so I guess I’m going to have to kill some fish. Sucks that I don’t even really like eating fishy flavored fish. But I already did the vegetarian thing for over a decade, and if the supply chain totally goes fooey I want to be able to eat something, and fish seems like a good starting point. I’m just not looking forward to it.
Maybe I can get my wife really into fishing, so she can… well… I’m already completely dependent on her while I figure out this mental health/writing/career change/mental health thing, and I’d like to think that my stock would raise in an end of the world scenario. I mean, I can carry more stuff further than most other people, so I’m useful. I should plan on trying to parlay this skill or ability into providing for myself and my wife, instead of planning for her to continually Jesus for me.
In explanation of why I feel my stock will go up in an apocalypse, it’s more than my sherpa-genes. I’m not sure, but having an anti-social personality, while still probably not a good thing, will be significantly less of an impediment to my interactions with what other survivors are still around and fishing. I’m trying to make the point that maybe I never stopped hoping for the world to end and to tromp off to live a Huck Finn existence. And maybe that’s what this movie for tonight is going to be? I have, like, 19 words to go off of. “Humanity clings to hope after a lethal virus forces them to remote regions of the country for survival.” See? I’m good at remote places of the earth. I go there on a recreational basis as often as possible, and I also can do that cool one handed shotgun trick where you throw it up in the air and cock it as you catch it again. So, like, I got that going for me too.
The only pic I got here is of dude in an ugly shirt in an ugly room with a pool stick looking insincerely at a woman or a man in drag. I can’t tell, all I can see is the hair or wig. I have no idea what this is going to be about. What is considered remote? Deadhorse is fucking remote. Are they going to go that far? I don’t like the two director thing, unless something comes up that makes sense- like, all the flashbacks are animated or something.
But I want to know why neither of these guys is up to the gig themselves. And that said, Jason Tobias, you have a sacred duty to put the movie before your own closeups and self-interests. Don’t let me down. It’s my greatest Fear. Ok. I think I got a problem with the movie’s title, too. But I’m gonna drink my coffee, take another toke, and hope I get through this before my wife gets home. Not sure I can inflict this on her when Netflix has that new Korean TV show about the high school kids that looks really good. I’m hoping it’s a live-action sort of HOT-D, but then again, that’s getting to close to zombie strippers for me to avoid wandering down the same logic loop.
Review Notes
Review Notes
It starts off with a Joe Allister quote- I have no idea if this is a real person or a character- but the thing reads like the draft version of Sarah Connors statement. Infection, walls, containment, survivors, distrust. You know. Humanity.
Got some torches in the snow
A kid with a hunting rifle… He’s nervous.
A zombie! Sees the kid! Damn, that’s a good zombie! The kid misses a shot…
An adult saves the day with a bow and arrow.
Kid is being taught to FUCK!! (no… No.)
Scary! Zombie not dead!
Kid can’t even cower well.
The dad is a bit pissed that the kid is such a failure in this world.
Gunshots, and they’re off!
Looks like someone’s been to their place!
Fucking kid is a boat anchor.
Blood stain… drag….
This kid is… He’s like an amulet of not surviving +7.
I never would have thought an antler stick would be so… I mean… It’s like a trebuchet. No. A… Starts with G. The pole arm.
Someone’s on a ventilator.
“That was our stuff!” the kid says when told they’ve been looted. Look kid, I get that you were told to play this one weak in the beginning- to slow play it, as it would be called… but if you don’t shine, if this pathetic-ness is all you bring, I’m going to find you and antler-stick you a couple times. Not bad enough to really hurt. But you’d know what you did. If… you’d read these review notes.
I think the dad done been bit.
He’s on the floor and not moving.
And Ventilator is flopping like a fish.
Kid is still useless. You have one job. Can you do it?
No. That’s his fucking nose, not his mouth.
The mom does “Angst” as there is a finite and slight amount of medicine left. She bites knuckle. She Angsts.
Why is the kid playing with the fucking gun? You’ve shown no aptitude for it.
Fear… is not real. But wait, it IS real. It kills dreams and hope and it’s going to be here forever.
This set is good.
The kid says he’s always scared. No shit. You’re the mouse of this world.
Lotta hand touching heart crap as we empathize and feel. We’re never really afraid because you’re always right with us. Forever? Forever ever?
Yuck, this “touching moment” has touched me for too long without moving it’s hand.
I’ve figured it out- the repellant- the actual thing that I’m literally revulsed by. It’s the fucking Oliver Twist Orphan Earnestness. Oh, it’s grating…
7 years earlier… WOLVERINES!!! Wife and I just watched that. Turns out it was her first time. I guess that’s what happens when you grow up in a foreign country for a while, you miss things. I think I shocked her with how many of the lines I still remembered.
If this movie has even ONE old chevy pickup, I’ll give it a bonus star.
A newscast about nuclear waste.
That guy from the cover in the ugly shirt.
A couple of women playing pool. And the biggest twat EVER- yeah, the guy in the ugly shirt… I would kick his ass. He’s such a smarmy dick.
A small penis joke. And a bet. And although the women think he’s charming. With his flip-phone.
Oh, so he knows them? It’s a pickup game from college?
And now they’re off dancing. I want to punch everyone in this bar.
I’m not paying attention to the dialogue. It’s insipid.
Back in the zombie death world… thank god.
Snow! I love snow!
Seems like these zombies hunt by thermal… that’s why the torches in the beginning.
Mom and dad talk about how life is hard.
And hide a corpse.
And get in a huge fight about staying with limited resources or relocating or foraging more. And they ACT. A LOT.
I guess he’s not as charming as they thought he was. She is upset. And taking it out on the pinecones.
Is the help going to be coming? Ouch. There’s no help for that kind of biting hate.
These two are not a good match. The trust is gone. And the .45 is out.
More ACTING.
Jesus this kid is the glue of failure that holds the family together,
He ate some beans. And peaches. We FUCK!!
Damn! What??
Someone just shot her in the face!
Or the leg or something. But now there’s like, a human shield in a 2×4 brace… these fox people… well, they’re willing to waste ammo!
And first rule of gunfight!? Trash the appliances! Come on Pookie!
Is the dad turning?
What’s with the H-Star jackets?
The fox-head people were using an automatic weapon, but I don’t see one.
This human shield thing is pretty evil though.
Tension…
Dad got him a hostage now!
Mom’s up and shooting!
Gunfight! A bullet up into the ventilated person… who is now… better ventilated…
Oh! Mom got shot.
The old lady is intimidating them with a zippo lighter. Threatening to bring on the zombies.
You never let a hostage talk. Or keep anything.
A lot of talking. Dialogue.
They’re dragging this moment out. It doesn’t need to be a half hour conversation.
Ethan, you don’t threaten if you can’t back it up. Never Bluff.
Jodie Foster. That’s who I’m thinking of.
Of COURSE she’s fucking lying.
“That’s mighty white of you.” Jesus, that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Is this what Edgy screen writing is?
What’s stopping him from taking the lighter from her is… I’m still confused about this.
Useless kid watching daddy leave.
Oh! Ventilated’s machine got shot. Not Ventilated.
Why is he listening to the hillbilly?
Peaches? Allman Brothers?
Now we’re two years earlier. So five years after the barroom bullshit.
The family is hale… photos… they want to learn to shoot.
Older sister knows what’s up!
The useless kid shows when he started being useless. What a useless origin story of a useless character.
Dad and the hillbilly are shooting at something?
Jodie is bleeding out.
A conversation about the different types of people after the zombie apocalypse.
“You come from the wall?” Evidently, thems fighting words.
Conversation with a human shield
So we start listening to this guy and he’s like, from the bad wall team, and he brings us up to speed with the plot a bit more, ie; just fucking tells it to us. Spoon stuffed. But there’s plot stuff. Corporation. Maybe he said business. But now there’s mutations, and zones, and… uh… immunizations… and stuff. This is kinda slow so I keep smoking. We’re at the halfway point and we only seen that one zombie
When you go north, everything is cold, so it’s harder to track, and easier to survive. We just got told so.
When your time comes, what kind of animal are you gonna be? Packs always fight over scraps! Flocks need to be thinned! And that guy needed his neck snapped!
This blue light is the most beautiful thing I’ve seen.
And Hillbilly gets away!
I think dad is slowly turning.
Dad is exploring the fox headed woman’s camp- we don’t know where the hillbilly went off to.
This camp is almost the exact same thing as one of the N64 James Bond Goldeneye maps. I swear it.
A van full of skinned foxes… And gasoline! And water!
Of course the hillbilly caught you slipping.
We’re back two years again, family is glamping… sister wants to play with her phone.
Now she wants to move up to the lake.
The dad is trying to set the tent up for nookie before mom comes in, but he’s forgetting the rule about food. The cooler is right there with them. So, that’s how we get eaten by bears. It’d be a more exciting movie than this one. My porridge is just right!
Dad’s telling mom some stupid dialogue. Dude, you’re not a bad actor, but these are not the lines to establish yourself with.
In the now zombie world, the hillbilly is getting ready to torture dad.
When a man waving a filet knife begins ranting about mind games, you know you’re in for a bad day.
Something about a magic box that he doesn’t know the code to.
Shit gets in the water and that makes the zombies, I guess.
“It was the only meat that we knew wouldn’t be infected. You know. Halifax employees from the wall.” I may not have the quote exact, but it’s close enough and it was delivered rattlingly enough. It’s like the most casual acknowledgement of cannibalism, which makes it even worse.
Something might be in the torture barn with them? It’s ok, I’m done listening to the hillbilly.
He’s not stealthy…
Back home, Ventilated is struggling.
Tidying up the house.
Playing with fire. Back to the damn Zippo.
Mom is threatening fox-head with more dialogue.
Fox-head with the headbutt and pistol grab- kinda interrupted the mom’s monologuing, but Ventilated has started to fish-out-of-water on her bed so we’ve got a sense of urgency now!
Moreso now that fox head lit the carpet on fire. I like her party style.
Fox-Head is threatening to kill Ventilated.
Breaking medicines
“Nature must come before nurture.”
A lot more yelling at each other. A lot more loud dialogue at each other.
Something about how mothers are supposed to make their kids feel safe. Or special. Or something. Anything other than a zombie.
Jesus, everyone giving everyone else a choice. Someone just make a decision!
The hillbilly is losing his shit. Shooting at trucks.
Once Dad’s had the shit kicked out of him enough, he looks exactly like Eddie Vedder.
The useless kid has shown up to help his dad.
The dad has given the useless kid a sherpa-mission. Will he be able to do it?
How many times did he have to yell “Butterfly”?
I’m kinda hungry.
So’s the hillbilly.
They’re fighting over the little useless kid.
Finally the kid did something. Anything.
Dad grabbed a mini-shovel and did the rest. But the kid finally used a slingshot. And yes, he did fucking hesitate. You had to jump the hillbilly from behind.
I think there’s some medication that stops the zombies from being zombies?
But Ventilated didn’t get hers, so she went full zombie!
That’s the end of fox-head!
Jodie has to try to dart her… or needle her.
Sticks her zombie daughter with a needle, daughter says “Mom” and collapses, and is doing the fish on the floor again. I’m not sure which zombie rules are in effect at the moment, but they’re making for a really sad scene.
Isn’t the Fox lady going to turn? She got bitten by zombie daughter.
Jodie is doing half-ass CPR on her dead zombie daughter… who just woke up?
I assume she’s not still a zombie? How long does this stuff last?
If you’re gonna self-cauterize, at least take your fucking coat off.
Some screaming, some flashbacks to happier times, lying on the floor crying with a corpse…
The useless kid and dad are almost home.
This kid is slow. Proven.
Dad just asked about daughter. Mom says daughter is gone. Idiot useless child breaks out with “Mom! Look! We got all this great stuff!”
He better have to kill his sister…
Dad brought the magic code-less box back. The code is on the zippo.
There is exactly one vial of Countermeasure left. Mom and dad are crying.
Dad can feel himself turning. Slowest turn ever, but he’s giving the medicine to the daughter.
Frantic crying and dialogue!
ACTING!
Remorse!
Sentence fragments!
Dad’s starting to look pretty bad…
Tender moments with comatose daughter.
Useless kid fiddling with the gun.
Man, I need to pee! I think we’re almost over. Kid gotta smoke someone tho.
I gotta smoke some too.
Dialogue.
Touching dialogue.
Crying, committing dialogue.
Mystical forgiveness dialogue.
Apology acceptance dialogue.
What’s that sound?
ZOMBIES!
Fox lady is zombie fox head lady!
Useless kid, you had one job- to give your mom the rifle- and you fucked it up.
Your mom’s gonna die now and it’s your fault.
Dad brought a filet knife to a zombie fight.
Fox head zombie lady, I like your commitment! That was a great hood dive and slide! Hazard Country worthy!
No, Jodie. You don’t get to say those words. Ripley said that. You don’t. No one does. Just like no-one says “Take the gun, leave the cannoli.” Or “Go ahead, make my day.” These are iconic lines that have been hoisted to the rafters. “I’ll be back.” Yeah, you’d have called bullshit if you saw that was one of your lines, so I can only assume that you, Jodie the actress, have never seen Ridley Scott’s masterpiece Alien. At least, I’m pretty sure that that line… yeah, ‘cause it was Newt. Wait. I’m wrong and confused but it’s ok.
Mom and dad are doing the best they can, but neither one is up to this zombie brawl.
Yay. Useless kid had his moment of redemption and shot the zombie, saving his mother.
Dad is bad-assing it pretty well.
Mom knows how to drive
Dad looks like Bam Margera on a less than stellar day.
Dad charges the zombie crowd, Mom drives off into the sunset.
And reads from the zippo…
Jesus, that’s the most beautiful place imaginable.
We close with another quote about FEAR. Since, you know, that’s the name of the movie.
So it’s Mom and captain useless… shit, the daughter lived too.
They’re all looking at the wall. The wall appears to have a big break in it.
Looks like they are free, but the virus is as well?
————End Transmission——————–
Plot Autopsy
Plot Autopsy
- This kid is useless
- Times used to be better
- Mom and dad are intense! Talking!
- Bad guys, shooting, so much talking.
- More talking, some fighting
- Magic saves Sister after, of course, more talking.
Zombie Description
Zombie Description
So, we got a lot to cover and nothing really of substance. In other words, I can tell you a lot that they told me, (regurgitation, just point where you want it) but nothing really made any real changes to the genre with the exception of the slapped on “And there’s a medicine that can reverse it and another one that we’re going to call a Countermeasure”… but who knows what any of this means ‘cause the sister has gone full zombie, killed, and eaten a woman. Turned her, even! And then the shot and… blood… shot… make her healthy again, but Dad, who we never really even get confirmation that he’s been bit or infected (they do a good job slowly building the question in our minds) doesn’t get to be saved? Who the fuck is going to pay for the mental help that the poor girl is going to need to overcome her bulimia? And if that didn’t leave her with bulimia, what does that say about her as a person? Look, if I die and kill and eat someone, headshot me. I don’t want to think about it. Although, I love giving little bits of me to my dogs. Like, when you chew off a flap of skin, or this one time when I got a chunk gouged out of my hand, I feed those to the dogs. I think it’s good for us. So these zombies? Uh… nuclear waste in the water, and evil corporation, zones, sectors, an H-Star uniform… Just take your choice of what other zombie movies have used as explanations and start throwing the spaghetti at the wall. None of it matters. Not enough zombies anyway.
Where the money went
Where the money went
These people know how to make a fucking movie. They don’t know how to write one. You’d think that with two directors, they’d have the strength to have seen this- like, well, I guess the Walchowski’s are a bad example, since they’re batting around .375-.400 on a good day, but, like, Raising Arizona and No Country For Old Men. Fargo. Them. The Coens. I bet they got the kind of relationship that if they were working on this, they’d call bullshit on each other’s 20-minute scenes, even if they are composed of dramatic, good acting. It’s a bunch of dialogue that was not needed. This story could be told in half an hour, in fact, this could be a couple of plot fragments from filler B-sides from The Walking Dead with throw-away characters middle of the season. I mean, it was both that good and that bad. TWD would have had more zombies in it, but that’s only probably. Depends on which season. There’s nothing here that they did bad. They just didn’t do enough of the zombies. That first zombie, that good zombie. And then they go over half the movie with no zombies.
Best Weapon
Best Weapon
Really wasn’t all that much new here, especially as used against zombies. The only new thing is the antler stick that Jodie poked her husband with. Take a stout pole and two four-or-six-point antlers. Tie the antlers with point ends out to one end of the pole. Jab it at people. I mean, it’s not great, but you can get it through a metal detector, so it’s something the FAA *is* concerned about. As for the rest of the weapons? Guns and bows and arrows. Most of the gunplay was CGI, but as I’ve effused, everything was good in this movie, so the CGI didn’t suck. They also did a good job not relying on automatic gunfire to make up the movie, but they erred in thinking that many many words would suffice either. Round up or down, the number is still wrong. First scene kinda sucked with the kid fucking up dropping a fresh round in the pipe when that gun has an internal mag. How hard would it to be to use an actual single shot firearm? I’ve got a couple upstairs that would have made that whole scene make sense- unless the dad was trying to teach reloading under pressure, but… look the kid was the best weapon, meaning he was the most dangerous thing- like, imaging if Chuck Norris’s beard had been in the movie. It would have been the most dangerous thing. And here, the kid, captain fucking useless, he’s the most dangerous thing because he doesn’t belong in this world and he’s gonna get everyone around him killed. I’m not saying he’s a ninja, I’m saying he’s been voted “Most likely to sweep you with the safety off and then freeze when shooting is required”. As well as “Most likely to have soiled oneself.”
That was new!
That was new!
Uh… Like, treating the genre rules as fluid as current sexual norms? Making up random shit when you didn’t need to? You know what cops listen for when they’re trying to find guilty? They listen to babble. And that’s what this was- a bunch of babble. You had no idea what you meant to say, so you just repeated a bunch of genre catch phrases and then made up the rule that people can come back from being zombie but that doesn’t help Dad. There wasn’t enough in this movie to really have anything new in it. It was quite small.
Can I get a hand?
Can I get a hand?
Dude. There. Was. Nothing. There weren’t enough zombies to really have any good zombie classic shots. At the very end, I felt there was something classic about the first “multiple zombies approaching” in that it felt very menacing in a Romero’s first sort of way, but then the fox-head zombie lady is a parkour sprinter, so… you just made shit up.
Overall Recommendation
Overall Recommendation?
This suffers from everyone involved having too much passion and getting caught up in the passion of what they’re doing, so no-one really stepped back far enough to say “Yeah, and then what else…” after each scene had already gone on for five minutes. It was all well done. Jesus, you all can act, even the useless kid. No kid can really be that useless. Young man, did they sedate you to achieve that level of blandness? I want to give you an atomic wedgie. Can’t remember what review that is from. So anyway, like I said, everyone was really into everything that they were doing, and they all did a really fucking good job. Where the Money Went is going to just be a list of everything I saw in the movie, ‘cause it’s all quality. You just needed more content. More stuff. More zombies, that’s for damn sure. The whole zombies being able to get a shot and then not be zombies but still the bad corporation… see, when you tried to get into the genre stuff, you flailed. You did great on what you wanted to do. But you didn’t include enough zombies to get actual street cred for them. It’s obvious the passion of this movie is- sigh- the evil that men do. Yup, when shit hits the fan, people are gonna do bad things in order to survive, and bad things to each other. Read the fucking intro, I’m sitting here thinking about learning to cut up innocent fish and sing about fish head soup in case of the apocalypse. But you guys, you wrote a lot of dramatic dialogue that could be intensely yelled at each other (or snarled, as fox-head lady was more prone to) and then slapped the glue in between the scenes of making head nods to the fact that there’s zombies. Look. For a zombie movie, you didn’t have enough zombies. And that’s a shame, ‘cause all the ones you did have were good! Even if the rules about them made no sense. Should you watch this movie? Hell, there’s no reason not to! I wouldn’t necessarily bump it to the top of the que, but if you’re looking for a small, solid story that’s well produced and acted, this is worth your time. There even were some really good scares/jumps/gotchas. Fun!
Bonus: the FEAR drinking game. Each time the useless kid shows up on screen, the last person to say “Please Sir, I want some more” has to take a drink. I mean, you can play this game with the sound off, like, listening to Prince or the Ramones or something- which is better than most of the dialogue, no matter how good the acting is. This is a rough draft, this is THX-1138, this is proof of concept. Now go out there and make a movie about zombies.