Battle of The Damned
Overall Recommendation
Recommendation?
This is what I think. I think someone found out how cheap it was to shoot in Malaysia, grabbed a suitcase (smallish though) of money, and ran down there and started stitching together scenes before anyone really knew what was happening. The result? A spectacular waste of resources. Now, complete waste? No. This is perfect for the 13 year old in you who just wants to see zombies get gunned down and stabbed and crushed for 2 hours. For the you that wonders “How would I fight a horde of zombies if I was chained to a lamppost?”. For the part of you that secretly appreciates the minimalist touch of Steven Segal. It’s not as bad as a Segal movie, mainly since Dolph has kept himself somewhat in shape comparatively. But there was no fucking point to this. It’s a plot that has been beaten to death, with robots. I’m sorry, but the robots do not kick enough ass convincingly that they negate the lack of a story. I could summarize the plot for real in a couple quick sentences, but let me instead say that the most suspenseful moment comes via peeing on a strip. Dolph did the best he could, but he can’t do that much anymore. If you look through the review notes, you’ll see a couple places where I plain spaced out, and lots of “Running” and “Talking” points. That’s really what this movie is. Talking, then running, then fighting, then more talking. It’s frustrating because nothing that they discuss actually gets you. Evidently, I missed a huge plot point in the beginning of the movie but it didn’t interfere with comprehending anything until 2 minutes before it ended. This movie needed to be about something, and they never really defined it adequately for us to feel that this is different from anything else equally bland. It’s not a bad flavor, as far as ice cream goes, but it’s kinda like being given a plain vanilla cone with a clown paper wrap around it to keep your hands from getting sticky if the ice cream melts. Does it make the cone any better that the paper wrap has Dolph Lundgren’s face on it? Not really. It’s still a pretty bland experience.
Plot Autopsy
Plot Autopsy
- Dolph’s team gets killed by zombies
- The Girl Who Played With Fire runs around shooting zombies
- Dolph and the girl meet the group
- The leader is a megalomaniac and the girl is pregnant
- Dolph finds some robots and goes A-Team on them
- Everybody runs and shoots and kills and dies until a happy ending.
Zombie Description
Zombie Description
Are these infected? Or afflicted? (The fact that the movie can’t decide is precursor to so many other shortcomings.) Either way, they’re living people who have some virus from a bad company. Super-fast and aggressive, they don’t have any real memory or thinking capacity, and any mortal wound will kill one. All that said, the zombies were fucking awesome, like they always are when filming is done where there’s no minimum wage regulations. They went down to Malaysia and hired a whole bunch of people. There are dozens of zombies running around at some points, and they’re all done well. They also all are acting the same, which is crucial! I can’t count the number of scenes that have been ruined by the extras having different ideas of “move like a zombie” as direction. I have to give respect to my favorite zombie in this movie- the guy who threw himself down the stairs. Like I said, that’s commitment.
Where the money went
Where the money went
Malaysia. Literally. The intro tells us it’s a Southeast Asia, but then just refers to the area as the city. I looked up the main building they filmed in (the name of the building is featured prominently) and it’s a government building. So… The director gets a good deal on renting some nice real-world sets and is able to hire as many extras as wanted. The end result was pretty good. Then the director said something like “We don’t need to keep working on the script, guys. We have *robots*.” And after 30 or so repetitions of this mantra, the actors were handed a 3 page pamphlet of plot scribbles and robot drawings. Well, Max got his own costume, which was silly, since any cosplayer goth has better in their closets, and fortunately, Dolph’s character didn’t talk much, but there were scenes that were painful to watch, lopsided as they were with talent or lines. One scene where Anna approaches the leader, it looked like she either had no idea what to say or forgot, so they show us two people silently looking at each other for 20 seconds. The CGI was better than expected, and the robots even looked slightly realistic. The cameraman made me feel like I was on the end of a bungee cord whipping around, but once everything had been slapped together and sealed with Dolph-grunts, it’s not half bad.
Best Weapon
Best Weapon
Gotta be the robots, but that’s not saying much. There isn’t much innovation here, even though they did a complete A-Team weapons building montage. Dolph took most of this time to modify his robots, but aside from a couple of them having machine guns for arms, you don’t get to see his handiwork in action. The robots have more of a back story than most of the characters, and they try to use the inclusion of the robots for a little humor here and there, but it mostly falls flat. The robots were the main point of the movie, but it just wasn’t enough.
Can I get a hand?
Can I get a hand?
There wasn’t a whole lot of tradition here, but that makes sense because we’re dealing with robots, so we already don’t have much room for nostalgia. They did have at least one moment that felt like pure homage to me; towards the end when the zombies are streaming out of the white-lit hallway and it looks like they’re running directly out of the light. It’s a great visual that has all the vibe and energy of older presentations.
That was new!
That was new!
The robots were new, but nothing that I haven’t seen in a dozen movies from the 1960s. There was a great scene at the end when the Asian Warrior is killed, where it’s shot behind a sheet and all we see are shadows. It’s… it’s the flower in the septic tank. I mean, it’s not that bad, but comparatively, this scene really stands out. I feel like it was part of a special shoot that didn’t include any of the other characters or actors, and yes, it is clunky and disjointed in how it’s patched in, but what is patched in is excellent.
Review Notes
Review Notes
Hmm… there’s an animation studio called out in the opening credits and stuff.
Southeast Asia… happens to be a city, I guess. Ok. It’s quarantined though.
Unafflicted. Not uninfected. We already have strayed from our descriptive sentence.
Lots of fast zombies chasing a soldier. Pretty good.
Two silhouettes talking in a skyscraper.
Ah!! This is a “rescue someone from the quarantined zone” movie! The guy’s daughter!
Battle between a bunch of zombies and a couple soldiers-
Dolph! He’s here!
Gunshots pretty good. CGI but well done. Probably wouldn’t have noticed if I wasn’t looking for it.
Sounds like Dolph’s team has gotten their asses handed to them.
Dolph’s glasses… Ben Franklin. I said it.
Bucha soldier babble.
Buncha solder sneaky.
Buncha beating up zombies.
Filmed in Thailand?
So, these zombies are still living humans that are infected… or is it afflicted? and any mortal wound will kill them. Don’t have to have head shots.
Oh. Bad luck. Horn works!
One of the guys goes down… gets dragged down and eaten. Pretty good.
Camera jumps around just a little too much. Like being on the end of a bungee tether.
Dolph runs like an old man. Probably like I do.
You know how most zombie movies save someone on the team getting bit and the “do we kill them or not?” drama that ensues for the last half of the movie? Sometimes a plot device to spread it out a bit? Not this. 10 minutes in and we got Dolph taking a knife to one of his own men.
Oh! Jesus! Didn’t expect that!
So, Dolph decided to stay in the zone and complete the mission.
“Heading for the treasure chest.”
Dolph on the run…
Or rather, Dolph doing more knife-fu zombie killing. THEN running.
New scene. ‘cause we said so.
Taking place in a junkyard! (crowing)
Dolph makes a funny face and a big boy jump.
Roll title!
A girl with a gun and a hood running around a lot!
Now she’s in a lab! No… it’s a mercado.
What’s up with her makeup? Is this how we know they watched Mad Max?
Looting a store.
Ha! Kinda saw that coming but it was good!
More running.
Ladder!
Using a .12g to make a door in a wall. Nice!
That dude gets “Zombie commitment” award. That was the best tumble down stairs I’ve ever seen.
More running.
Dolph rolls up on a motorcycle with a hatchet and saves the day!
Welcome to Dolph’s house!
SIT! Dolph likes his chair. He likes to share it. And shove people.
She threatens him with a shotgun.
She calls him old. It bothers him more than the shotgun.
Now she’s doing the spoiled brat thing.
She has daddy issues.
“No, I like hanging out where everyone I know wants to eat me!”
Max can do it.
Sounds like there’s other survivors.
And Max doesn’t like her smoking.
Quick conversation where we learn that girl is quite the handful.
The survivors are a bunch of cliché jerks.
The leader guy is ranting about rules.
Some kind of domestic wah-wah. There’s a Nice Guy in the group.
Jude and the Nice Guy… yelling.
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” Nice. I’m not sure how I really feel though.
Max takes his coffee black.
The leader is interrogating Max.
Oh! We’re adding baby pregnancy into the movie!
Maps.
“Infection zone”? PICK ONE!
I guess we don’t need a pregnancy test when we’re hurling in the sink.
Oh shit! Here come the robots! For about… 3 seconds?
“To the French for inventing canned food…”
Lots of candles.
An argument about zombies.
Lady in white… is dancing with me. Cheek to cheek…
Now the leader is interrogating Jude. Who is trying to process being pregnant.
The leader is one creepy dude.
When people say “You can talk to me.” it usually means they’re untrustworthy.
The scene of the Asian warrior sweating with his sword.
More domestic chatter.
Zoned out there for a minute. Uh… The couples are talking. Of course the two Asians are a couple.
A cut scene of different looking robots marching along a different street. Like, completely.
Bangunan sultan Ismail. This is the building that a lot of this is filmed in front of. “Sultan Ismail Building (Malay: Bangunan Sultan Ismail) is the meeting places for the Johor State Legislative Assembly. It is located in Kota Iskandar, Iskandar Puteri, Johor Bahru District, Johor, Malaysia. The architecture is a distinctive blend of Moorish – Andalusian and Johor-Malay design.” That’s what the internet said. I wonder what it costs to rent?
The leader doesn’t want Jude along.
Getting gas.
This music sounds like a resident evil remix from the first movie.
Oh! Shit! Max is trying to get Jude to bail!
Damn, he really does run like he’s old.
And he’s found a situation he can’t punch his way out of.
The leader is evil. Got Dolph chained to a lamp.
I’ve puked there too!
More evil talk, and then leaves Dolph alone and chained in the street.
Here comes zombie team-mate that Dolph was going to knife.
“Chained to a pole” fight…
Kills the zombie.
The leader is lying to his people. He’s evil.
Another “chained to a pole” fight.
It’s like the characters knew there should be dialogue but weren’t provided with any.
More drama about Jude being pregnant.
The nice guy saves Dolph right at the last second.
Convenient that they dragged all of Dolph’s gear out to where they were going to abandon him.
Kinda zoned out some more… The nice guy is talking at Dolph. Dolph is cryptic.
New dad jitters talk.
Nice Guy lets us know once again that these are not zombies. Kinda explains why it doesn’t feel like a zombie movie.
The leader is interrogating Jude again.
The leader is forbidding things.
The nice guy and Dolph are out chasing… something.
The robots.
Now Dolph and the nice guy are chasing the robots.
The leader is more of a bad person.
Robots doing… robot-fu and beating up zombies.
Nice guy knows some story about a power plant and how the robots there revolted and killed everyone, so that’s got to be where these robots came from. Makes sense.
“Zombies and killer robots. Nice town you’ve got here.”
Got to say, the robots are decently done.
So much more talking.
The robots just kicked major zombie ass to save Dolph and the nice guy.
A short conversation with the robots later we know something about an error.
The zombies are too cold. That’s why the robots kill them.
“Serious nerd-gasm” Really? Yuck.
More talking.
Dolph recruits the robots. Good talk. Good talk.
Now Anna has been bitten.
And the leader makes short work of her. Are we supposed to feel anything here? Why?
I just took a break to let the dogs out and had the thought “Why would general utility robots have machine guns implanted into their palms?” I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t.
Max introduces the robots to the rest of the gang.
When given the opportunity to program robots, Dolph teaches them swear words and bad punctuation.
More domestic crap.
The duke is pleading to be included.
Everyone is marching along. It’s great when you have robots to do all the dirty work.
And the zombies take the robots down. Or at least, one of them?
Back in a junk yard again. Classy.
More talking.
A montage! Of guns and building things with torches! And talking to robots! Inspiring music! Smiles at each other! And each other’s butts!
Dolph knows electronics.
These robots are what the A-Team would have built if they had a robots episode.
More talking.
“Can’t even tell! Unless I’m spewing all over myself.”
“My mission, had I chosen to accept it, was to get serious about my future. Do you think getting knocked up counts?”
Dolph knows ovulation.
Dolph gets a kiss.
Sounds of a rucks outside!
Automated return function. Means robot just opened the door for the zombie horde.
Shoot, everyone! Shooooot!
Huge zombie battle!
Robot just punched Dolph!
Big explosions! Oh, yeah, the city is going to be firebombed. Didn’t seem important the 80 times they mentioned it.
“Drive!”
“There’s no engine!”
Oh, the leader gets left behind and is upset. And eaten.
Running through a half completed building.
More of the robots killing zombies.
More of our group running around.
More zombies running.
Running in *puddle* now!!
Neat reflective shot…
Oh shit! Can’t trust the floor!
Great “zombies running out of the light” shot!
More zombies.
More shooting.
More kicking.
More running.
Oh, Elvis. We can’t take you anywhere.
More Dolph knifing zombies.
Awesome death scene for Elvis, the Asian Warrior. Shadows behind a cloud. I saw an art exhibit at Mass Moca that was very similar, except you could walk around and interact through the sheets. It turned every little child into a zombie.
Dolph wants this movie to be over, too.
I hope we don’t have to watch Dolph get in a fist fight with a robot for the last 15 minutes…
So many people willing to sacrifice themselves…
Big explosions.
Whole lot of CGI. WHOLE lot.
I love the modern “burnt out” look.
Dolph has a staring problem.
What? The nice guy is… confessing something?
Maybe I should have paid more attention to the businessman in the beginning.
He wanted Dolph to kill this guy too, I guess.
Dolph decides not to kill him.
Dolph and the robot walk off into the sunset.
————End Transmission——————–
Introduction
Introduction
I didn’t want to be doing this. Any of this. It started yesterday when some guy with “new truck balls” was driving like an ass and flipped me off and I tried to be polite and unfazed about things. I tried not to get upset or want to chase the dude down or any of that crap. I tried to be an adult.
Long story short, I’ve spent the past 12 hours apologizing to my wife for being such an asshole all of yesterday. Not related to my shit mood yesterday, I woke up today at around 4:30am in order to drive my wife to work, she’s got some classes or something.
I haven’t gone back to sleep even though I should have, and now it’s a little past 10 and I’m in that confused time-warp state where you stayed up all night drinking and sobered up over breakfast and then went to a manatee and snuck in a flask and started drinking again and now you’re back out in the sunny parking lot, drunk on hard liquor and totally exhausted, yet somehow recharged and ready to make tonight even crazier than last night.
I haven’t pulled that shit in over a decade- I’m coming up on two decades sober- but at this moment I feel the same light bodied thoughtless restlessness. Yet, when I think about going to the gym, my energy level instantly craters and all I can think about is how much sleep I’ve been getting vs. how much I got last night.
I just thought a bit more about last night and remembered breaking another oil rig. I knocked my wife’s MJ Arsenal mini-rig off the table just as I’d finished heating the bucket to orange. Thing fell and instantly burned the hell out of the carpet. Broken glass. Thankfully, oil water doesn’t smell as bad as traditional bong water. “It smells like shit on the carpet, still it…” Cypress.
I thought I’d lost the two little terp balls in the bucket too, until I stepped on something hard in the carpet. The little balls melted their way down the carpet and ended up looking like little blackheads. It was even the same sort of sensation trying to pry them out.
So in a nutshell, I’ve been in a downward destructive spiral. Not that I’m intentionally being destructive, but I feel a sense of urgency and haste like being on just the tiniest bump of cocaine. I have nothing to do today except this review and the gym- yet I’m kinda freaking out, man.
It’s so cold that my fingers aren’t working correctly, typing is hard- all I want to do is crawl under the blankets and sleep. But when I try to do that, I find myself on my phone like a fucking junkie.
Dogs aren’t junkies. Dogs aren’t phone-screen obsessed. I think that if I curled up with our dogs, I’d probably be able to sleep. But now that I’ve started typing and I’ve picked out a movie, I want to get this review done. I know, that’s a complete 180 from where I started. I didn’t want to be doing this.
I want it to be about 20 degrees warmer out there (we’re in the middle of a cold snap) so I can go wrench on the jeep without losing all sensation in my fingers. I have a Big-7 kit from Jeep Cables to install so hopefully the jeep will start without a jump box. Aim high, you know? I could go on for days about that vehicle. Then again, I can go on for days about any vehicle, or rather, about anything.
Word salad undigested and only partially chewed before being hurled across these keys to careen into the screen underlined in “You’re ignorant!” red. I didn’t want to be doing this until I looked for the movie that I wanted to do- a movie called something really like “Parasite” but with a different word name. Maybe it’s “Companion”.
I’m not going to take the time to look it up. I took a glance at it earlier and it only had 25 or so reviews. I think I need to focus on reviewing what people are interested in, so I went looking for something different. And shit, did I find it. Battle of the Damned. Let me read the description sentence to you. “Soldier Max Gatling (Dolph Lundgren) leads armed robots in a post-apocalyptic fight against infected zombies in this ultimate battle for survival.”
First thing that got me smiling is Dolph. Even his name makes me happy. Dolph. Is it intentionally the first 5 letters of Dolphin? Damn, that doesn’t look right at all. When you write a word and then look back on it and aesthetically it looks wrong…
This happens to me so often that I’ve stopped correcting myself. I’ll use the wrong word if I want to. I know it’s “Matinee”. I think “Manatee” is fun to use, though, so I do. That’s kinda how I’m approaching this upcoming non-debacle. I give it that bit of faith since it’s got 4 stars. No, really, that’s got nothing to do with my optimism here.
I think this may be a good movie since- it’s got Dolph, who I’ve loved since… was he in Cyborg? I know JCVD was the lead. Maybe it was Universal Soldier. There’s some stupid explosions movie from my childhood with Dolph that I really like. Also he was in… not Red Sonya. But some movie about Russians and how they’re bad.
Wolverines! Also, we’ve got robots here. Armed robots. This’ll be interesting. I hope it’s not CGI garbage. Post-apocalyptic just means that they didn’t spend shit on scenery ‘cause it’s all filmed in a broken-down industrial area. But dig this- these are INFECTED zombies.
So I could take that as there are zombies, and then there are infected zombies, and Max Gatling (seriously. Who wrote that name down and then was able to look at themselves in the mirror? It’s Homer Simpson naming himself “Max Power” off of a hairdryer.) Max Gatling is just… I want to cringe but I don’t have the energy.
Amazon is just showing me a picture of Dolph in what looks like beat up rash-guard. I think I see the ear of another person though. I need to get some coffee.
Earlier this week I was obsessed with a Heart song that I wanted to write about but I can’t remember it now. I feel like I should wrap this intro, but I haven’t said anything. This feels like I’ve watched remotely as some monkey pressed keys and my screen filled up. I can’t defend this, nor do I want to. Maybe I’m still a bit in a crap mood.
I need to start driving slower. It seems like lately every time I’m behind the wheel, I’m going 10 miles over where I know I should be, so I slow down, and then a second later I check my speed and I’m flying again. And this scares me. I don’t mind breaking the law or speeding- I thrive on it.
But I don’t feel like I’m in control, and that’s what’s got me worried. I feel like I’m aware that I’ve got cocaine confidence, but I can’t stop myself from fidgeting even though I know it’s a huge tell. I feel like my ship is sinking and I’m not doing anything. Is this a depressive side?
I feel manic though. Manic in that I want my chest to explode out, raining me over onto everything so I no longer have to work to keep the connections. I want to know what the thing is that gets done before it’s finished. I know I’m not making any sense.
This is running the boundary of what I consider waste- I’m screaming at myself to just erase this all and say fuck it and not watch a movie or do a review, but I know that I’ll just spin and fidget and stare into screens blindly. Why am I addicted to wasting my life?
I want to skin my dog and wear her, I love her so much. If I could, I’d Brundle-Fly myself with my dog. I want to throw a glass and hear it break. I want to light a fire and then abandon it.
Existence is effort and I’m so tired I don’t want to be anymore. Let me take this time and set it aside, let me save it for when I feel like living. That’s the injustice of it all. Your time is everyone’s and everything’s except yours. Then comes the only true justice we’ll ever know, but then we’re dead and it’s hardly a consolation to know that everyone else who has died is also dead. This feeling is the worst.
This must be what a sports-car feels like when someone makes it do donuts. My depressed mood is sitting on me like a toad made of cold smoke. How long can I sit motionless? Is that doing something, or doing nothing? Since doing nothing is a choice, it’s an activity in absence. It’s how I feel.
I’m a cold smoke toad. Why does depression always give insight into the best names for punk bands? I’ve got some coffee, I’m taking a couple hits… I have no idea how something like this could rate 4 stars. I doubt that I’m in for a gem, but I have high hopes for competency. Dolph is a real name real actor, so I expect this to be a real movie. How sad is it that I have to even write that?
Worst intro ever. Smells like my psyche took a shit in my purse.