Carriers
Overall Recommendation
Overall Recommendation?
I’m 2 minutes in and wondering about this movie and covid. Now I’m all the way done, yawning, and still wondering about this movie and covid. But that said and aside, well, this is a movie like The Flu, in that it’s a really good movie about the end of the world, but it never actually crosses the line into a zombie movie. Stat Rek? What ever. You were not the strongest talent in this movie, you just pushed the hardest- like a bowel movement increasing it’s productivity at the chance of blowing out something permanent. Now- overblown exaggerations ass-ide, I didn’t expect this movie to make me jump when it did, or cringe when I did. If I want to return to my “Romancing a less than conventionally attractive sure thing that’s sure to be a good time” analogy for how I’ve flirted with this movie, I’ll kiss and tell that “I spent all night, but no, we didn’t go all the way”. And then this is where I grin knowingly. It’s not a great movie- I’m not going to call, or pine after, but I’ve realized this movie never wanted that level of a relationship. This is more of a semester abroad trying out something new in a city you’ll never return to again type of fling- this is wondering if maybe you’ve played it a bit too safe all your life, so you make the choice where and when to safely let it all hang out and see where the chaperoned night life takes you. There are no zombies in this movie, but do not let that stop you from watching it if you have the notion. I second that emotion.
Plot Autopsy
Plot Autopsy
- People who litter should die
- People who don’t share and are assholes should die
- We like to play golf and wish we were in ZombieLand
- Oh, the good guys were the bad guys until they noticed her infection
- The wheel of irony spins ‘round and ‘round
- Every little brother’s secret wish comes true
Zombie Description
Zombie Description
Ok. Boo! Fooled me! Not really zombies! No aggression or anything. You’re dead, you’re dead. Nothing else happens! But between the Gotchas and the nightmares, we see what would be some highly pedigreed zombies. The non-zombies here? It was like watching world-class thoroughbreds canter blithely by you with no leather on the pedal. This was watching hand-built racing machines purring by in 1st gear. This was dying and going so a pretty well lit place and eating ritz crackers with a minor saint for a while… It’s like Motorhead playing an acoustic show. This may hold the record for “Most zombie stuff in a movie that didn’t actually include any zombies.” It’s an award that’s as coveted as a free and unexpected crotch-kick while attending a local social event with peers you hope to impress.
Where the money went
Where the money went
So… The special effects money was perfectly well spent. APlus+ type stuff. LAZY, since it didn’t have to chase people around at all, but man, it was perfect. The script… it either had someone spending way too much time on it, or they just blasted it out in one night fueled by Natty Ice and expensive Scotch. Stat Rek? You didn’t earn marque anything with this. I believe you were out-acted. Maybe it was shitty direction? Who knows? But I’d have promoted Dad as a known actor over what you brought to this specific table. Now I don’t know how much money actually went to that “rolling into a dead town” scene, but holy snikeys you nailed it!
Best Weapon
Best Weapon
I’m putting this under worst weapon, and this is fucking ironic coming from me, but lack of empathy on Stat Rek’s part when he kicked his infected girlfriend out. Nothing wrong with kicking her out- that’s life- but for those to be the last parting words? It fucking breaks my heart. Stat Rek, in all forms of AFI’s intent- I hope you suffer.
Can I get a hand?
Can I get a hand?
Well, with these not being actual zombies, there wasn’t a lot of props given to tradition. A horrible shame, considering how good they did what they set their minds to. There were corpses, and body bags, and all the usual “end of the world” stuff, but no real risings or breaches or hand-splatters… Not big on Zombie tradition, this one. (sigh)
That was new!
That was new!
Little girl in a bloody mask. That’s… its scary. I think it’s even more scary now that we’re all wearing masks. Imagine if someone walked by with a mask stained with blood? Gah. I think one of the things this movie did best was it’s portrayal of what the world will look like after it’s gone through most of the steps of dying. The scene of the town with stacked cardboard coffins and body bags and spraypainted legends on the doors of houses? That was the best I have ever seen. I loved it. My toes twitched. I had the goose-fleshes.
Review Notes
Review Notes
Family beach stuff. Home videos. Seagulls. Piano. Little kids.
Oh. The WHOLE world has been turned upside down. Never seen that. Never ever. Ever.
20 questions? Littering? Assholes. I’m glad things go bad for you.
Oh, they have rules too.
“We wouldn’t want to break any rules! He said! Drinking his beer as he drove the stolen Mercedes way over the speed limit.” See… It’s not stolen. There is no speed limit. There’s nothing magical stopping you from drinking a beer, lemonade, or cow urine while you drive. It just comes down to what do you want to do?
The funny thing about having a big fat pitbull and an upstairs bed, is every once in a while you hear loud, frightening thunks from the other side of the house. That’s when you check the pistol next to you. We are ready for Go. It just… comes down to what. do. you. want. to. do.
He’s driving no hands? Man, this manufactured rebellion is fucking inspiring!
Oh- a dude in a suburban. A roadblock
His hands…
This… Oh…
Wow. That went… scary fast.
The little girl… bloody mask… Fucking scary.
“Everybody dies” (shot of car hemorrhaging oil as it drives into the distance)
Jesus. I can’t believe that I was harping on the rules in the intro, then they start this with their version. It’s… all come full circle again. Already. The circles are getting smaller, tighter. The time between repeats is decreasing. The cycle is increasing, speeding up. This is like when I overdosed on… Fuck… That shaman psychedelic. And knew that the Universe was about to hit the end of it’s book and flip over and reset and restart again. I love you, Mom.
We have two guys. One who wants to shoot cops in the dick. The other wants to steal the car.
Wow. Domestic shit this early? I think we have a couple and a half-couple.
Awful lot of yelling early in the movie to establish urgency.
A movie from 2009 where everyone is already wearing masks.
What the hell? They’re… no, you don’t try to build a… what the fuck?
Make them ride on top, like Vacation.
There’s NO WAY that’s airtight.
The biggest problem with democracy is that even though everyone has a right to speak, not everyone has something worth saying. Yet SO many people are insistent on utilizing their right to speak that they won’t shut the fuck up and listen when someone obviously smarter or more educated on the subject tries to speak.
Hasn’t this group learned not to horseplay yet?
Ivy… Red Shirt. Red Shirt. Here I am trying for names, and… full circle.
Corpse. So… Corpsey. Dead? No.
OH SHIT! Oh… he… uh… So… no? Not zombie? Just really really sick guy? Are… there no actual zombies in this movie? If these undead are a bunch of lazy…
Shut up about soft shelled crab sandwiches. That sounds disgusting. Stop stepping on turtles! Stop lying to children! Stop lying to yourselves.
Domestic jokey yay funny! Kissy! Fire light! Laughter!
“Do you ever think of Yale?”
Oh fuck! Cars and guns and shooting!
We just saw a pickup chase down a car and then shoot the guy who ran out of the car.
Oh. Jesus. This shit is Covid-centric without that being possible. Some poor dude tied up on a windmill like the skeletons in the cages outside the ports in Pirates of the Caribbean got a sign saying “Chinks brought it”.
A bunch of birds. Free, but not.
This is some of the best “World has ended” shit I’ve ever seen. The cardboard coffins, the body bags, the markings on all the buildings… This is really well done.
Hey Star Trek. (raises middle finger)
In a hospital? Or it was a high school, but now is filled with wheelchairs?
Bloody pillows everywhere. And a good dig against career day.
Oh shit! Newt is running around in the background!
Oh… this is not an ok area.
There’s… survivors?
A tent… A bad doctor.
Don’t let them drink the kool-aid!
The doctor is going to overdose all the children on Potassium. I went to Wiki for this one. “Ingestion of large amounts of potassium compounds can lead to hyperkalemia, strongly influencing the cardiovascular system.[127][128] Potassium chloride is used in the United States for lethal injection executions.[127]” It… doesn’t sound like this is a very nice way to go. Lot of tingling and vomiting and stuff.
Dad’s got the gun!
“Sometimes choosing life is just choosing a more painful type of death.” Yeah… I cannot argue with the logic, but I do know that writing a paper in grade school advocating for the euthanasia of ANYONE will get you conversation with authority.
Oh shit! Little girl down! Little girl down!
You…. didn’t even put your mask on. You waved it near your face like one of the pretentious idiots I used to bartend for who’d ask for their martini to be “waved in the direction of the vermouth bottle for a moment”. You don’t push it onto your face, it has straps for a reason!
Oh. Ha! You got the bloody-cough-in-your-face. Now infect Start Rek and everything will be fine.
Oh. So. SHE is untrustworthy. She’s got red all over her. And she’s not owning up.
Dad… are you… No. So fucking far from ok. Why are you making your little girl walk away?
What the fuck is going on? How are these people conflicted about any of all of this?
Bobby. She’s the one with red on her hands. Out, damn spot!
Singing about spiders… while… Yeah, this is kinda sad. Is this the last we’re gonna see of them?
Aw, they found a little doll. Danny throws dolls like a little girl.
Brian… You can’t trust your girl.
If they find Bill Murray in here…
I guess I’d feel more comfortable ringing the bell if I had a big .45 with me.
The end goal of this all is to get the four of them to the beach alive.
And now we’re re-hashing the rules knowing she broke them. For shame!
“Ok. Knock it off, Stupid. You’re fine.” I just wanted to throw up.
Not. As. Much. As. I. Do. Now. That pool. That pool.
So… I’ve done this. In a jeep. It was… a kinda bad idea. We blew the front axle of the jeep completely- shattered the internals of the front pumpkin. (but not MY jeep) And then, being drunks, we got in a small fist-fight just for the hell of it and I learned that my friend had boxed in some youth league. And I hadn’t. I think that was the first of two times he put me down. But… they’re driving golf cars around on a deserted, closed, and abandoned decaying golf course? I drove a real jeep all over a real golf course on a real Tuesday night or something stupid like that. It’s called being a drunk. And- evidently- having Anti-Social Personality Disorder. Even though I’ve since learned WWPDD? (What Would Pete Davidson Do?) HWBAJA (He Wouldn’t Be A Jack-Ass.)
“I thought golf was for old people”
Star Trek is… misreading everything.
“Sand is dirt”. I wonder if this is true. Is all sand dirt? Is all dirt sand?
Ok. That’s not ok to laugh about…
I… uh… Fairfield’s. “Tiger Woods can kiss my ass.”
I DO like breaking windows.
Oh fuck. That is a really nice stockpile of really nice things like a really nice AK47. So much duct tape. I think there’s a survivor somewhere there.
“You don’t even know where Piraeus is!” Since I don’t either and I refuse to be ashamed of it, we once again Wiki “Piraeus … is a port city within the Athens urban area (“Greater Athens”), in the Attica region of Greece.[2] It is located in the Athens Riviera, eight kilometres (5 mi) southwest of Athens’ city centre, along the east coast of the Saronic Gulf.”
Oh… that’s bad. Being chased!
There are survivor peoples here.
Ones not to fuck with.
Ones with 12g shotguns.
Oops. Caught.
Dammit, Stat Rek is useless. Horses.
“That’s what you get for living in a condom, man!”
How did Larry end up in the pool?
Everyone getting kicked out.
Oh. We’re at the “Women are possessions” point of the movie and… some of the badguys want to be good guys but… nope.
Oh. Fuck. I did not expect that. I have been Jeffried. I am sitting on my jaw on my ass on my floor.
She got red on her.
So… they’re all just driving along again? With one of them infected?
Why? Why are they not addressing this? They’re so good at some shit, but useless…
“Mike is dead. Meat me at dads”
Gas station tributes.
Hard decisions. I mean, should be simple logic, but people are weak.
I’d offer her a bullet before useless advice like that.
Why… the I told you so? Dude, that’s just…
I’ll say it. I miss drinking and driving. I never drank warm beer though. Why? Why be miserable?
Oh. I did not… that was not… where did that option come from? Jesus.
A huge fucking suburban sliding sideways… that’s a good weapon.
Holy fuck. I did not see that coming.
Negotiations broke down.
I was busy marveling at the irony of juxtaposition, and then Stat Rek did all sorts of horrible things. I like old ladies who shoot back though.
And now… it turns out… that the brothers… lied to each other about if their parents were alive or dead. Someone spent a lot of time working on this script. Someone spent a lot of time speaking through the lines of this script. Lovingly. Changing a word here, timing or inflection there…
Oh, yuck. That was one hell of a nightmare. Very, very well done. I just wish these were fucking zombies. It’d be SO good!
Over-roading!
That house is boarded up from the outside. That’s different than being boarded up from the inside.
I like the smart girl. She’s so much smarter than I am. Never would have thought of that.
Oh. Fuck. Corpses with shotguns.
Take the fucking shotgun!
Ick ick ick ick! Decomposition is gross.
Is that a German Sheppard?? Yup. Eating Daddy’s tummy. What do you do? Do you shoot the dog? This is full fucking circle from last review’s rant about I Am Legend and Old Yella and the killing of dogs. I’m rooting to pull the trigger on this one. Don’t think I could ever let that dog lick my hand.
I think that one kinda had to be done.
“Hey. Don’t take this the wrong way. Pull down your pants.”
Oh. Shit. I did not see that coming. This just keeps getting worse.
Corpus Cristi going off the air…
We got 10 minutes left and it’d setting up to be firelit 2nd guessing and reminiscing?
Reminiscing about burying dying infected people alive?
This is the most depressing ending. Ever.
Stat Rek is doing a really good zombie.
Just wish he was hungry.
He doesn’t give a fuck about the rules. The rules he made. See? Mankind’s folly in a heartbeat of a scene.
An ending soliloquy about… being a person. And little kids playing on a beach.
————End Transmission——————–
Introduction
Introduction
This movie represents something special to me. This movie represents, among other things, some of the most significant impulse control and gratification delay that I have exercised regarding anything in years. And I’m laying on this thick with the understanding that I didn’t really even want to watch this movie, simply because of the PG-13 rating. That’s… it’s just unattractive to me. Like purchasing a rap album without a parental offensive lyrics advisory board sticker.
I have been looking at this movie from across the dance floor for over a year. I shit you not, it has been in my Amazon que longer than anything else that I actually do intend to watch. The only way I can describe this movie is like being out on the hunt in a nightclub, and right away when you get there, you lock eyes with a slightly attractive yet only about a 5 or 6 stranger who instantly smiles you a greenlight, but you just got there and want to party a bit so you give them a “The night is still young!” in return and head out into the music… but then you notice them dancing a little bit later, and you *noticed* them dancing, not you noticed *them* dancing… Soon, the night is wrapping to a close and you’re turning down invitations from 7’s, 8’s, 9’s… because you want to know how that dancing feels. Things have gotten hungrier. Desperation speaks louder than pride, and when it begins wailing in public all you can think of is where did they go and how can you possibly convince them to include you.
That’s how I feel about Carriers. I feel like I’ve always known it was going to be a really good, wholesome movie- and I say wholesome in the way that speaks to fully throated sated groans and sighs of memory and magnitude far beyond silly night-club conquests. I’ve been watching this movie out of the corner of my eye, waiting for a reason to go speak to it. I’ve grown so comfortable with knowing that this movie and I will have our dance that I no longer even think to worry or worry to think what I’ll lay as my play for an opening gambit.
The die have already been cast. Their eyes have already spoken. I don’t know what it is about tonight, but… Rod, let’er rip… “TONIGHTS THE NIGHHHHT!!!” Yes. I am excited in a way that 16 year old me could never have imagined existed. I feel like I still do when Maggie plays, and the lyrics tickle me. I feel like listening to Tim Armstrong’s Ooh-La-La and then heading back to Faces and getting them stuck on repeat.
There are no expectations and no strings attached, but I feel like this movie and I have already consummated our relationship, I just have to watch it. Well, pay it money. And then watch it. That’s an interesting wrinkle. Does that make it tastier? Or less palatable? Here’s a life-hack that I’m working on. Eating two pieces of Raisin Bread when I’m hungry. I’m trying to figure out if it’s sustainable. I’m operating on the principle that as long as I have Raisin Bread, it is. It’s a fun way to not eat butter. Dammit. I had a coffee when I was in the kitchen, but I think I put it down to pick up the Raisin Bread.
For some reason my spell checker will also accept “Rasin Bread”. Is that how they spell it some place where they still pay by the letter? Some Mountain Dew Toothpaste corner of the Appalachians? Shit- that’s the last place you’d want to have to pay by letter. I hate English. Ap-Ah-LAY-Shuns. Fuckers came all the way over here from England to start a new way of life and kept all the wrong ways to spell and pronounce shit.
What would happen if you baked a cake with chocolate milk? Would you end up with a chocolate cake? I’ll have to ask a Bavarian.
Carriers “Chris Pine (Star Trek) stars in the intense and ripping thriller, Carriers. The terrifying story follows four teens who discover that they are far more dangerous to one another than the deadly global virus they are desperate to outrun. Filled with pulse-pounding suspense, Carriers takes place in a world where laws are rules no longer apply, and no one can be trusted—Not even your friends.”
Well, I have to laugh at the “Laws and rules no longer apply” part. Try living with Anti-Social Personality Disorder. What laws and rules? You mean all the little pleasantries and nicety conventions that people hold so fucking dear yet do absolutely nothing to stop them from being the evil vicious animals that we all can be when required to or are absolutely surely free of any judgement or consequence? My wife and I took a day off and went out to the coast, because I was freaking out and wanted banana salt-water taffy from a store in Depot Bay.
Depot Bay is the smallest bay in the world. That’s only part of why I get my taffy there though. A bay, if I understand it, is like, a small… lake of salt water that’s still part of the ocean and affected by tides and shit, but it’s protected by rocks and natural break-water and whatnot so that no matter what’s going on out in the ocean, the bay remains relatively calm. This is important to the end result taffy, but even more so the local fudge industry, which has been on the rebound ever since a brutal trade war against Southern Washington decimated both industries fortunes and reputations in the late 1960’s.
I think a port is just a place where the ocean is really deep up right next to the land, where it also sort of divots in, so there’s both a level of protection as well as it being deep enough for large ships of the cargo variety to dock and unload and whatnot. Now that I’ve written that, I’m thinking about how Portland is actually a Port, and that’s not anything like what I described, but I’m not going to take the time to revise anything since the point of this all was that my wife and I spent a wonderful day out touring the coast and I committed multiple traffic laws-a-breaking (Thank you speeding car for not hitting us) and my wife jokingly kept asking if I felt bad for driving like a dick and I kept answering that I didn’t see any police lights yet, so no.
So with that understanding, I’m wondering what the fuck they’re all sad about the demise of the rule of law about. You want GOOD demise of rule of law? Yeah? Can you handle it? What’s your favorite shooter video game? MMO? Racer? If you have an answer for any of those, you’re really not ready for the end of rule of law. Rule Numbero Cardio, motherfucker! If you dare to, read Dies The Fire! Then look at yourself in the mirror naked and be honest. Are you ready for *anything*?
Wow the coffee is kicking in! This movie is about people sad that there’s no cops and all they have to do is walk around staying alive? Lord, please! Sign me up! I won’t even bitch and moan, unless that’s what the producers want, and in that case tell me who you want me to really disparage and I’ll lay it on thick in exchange for additional screen time. I need to pad out my resume. So far, I’m only test-proven as a door-opener.
Pine from Star Trek… guess what? I give zero shits! I might enjoy the occasional Red-Shirt joke, but you better stand on your own acting feet here, I won’t even recognize you from that remake bullshit. I care not! I also take offense to the idiocy of writing that no-one can be trusted, not even your friends! If you can’t trust your friends, then shoot yourself. Roger Rabbit, if I may paraphrase- “If you can’t trust anyone, shoot yourself in the fucking head!”.
I, as documented, am fucking unable to trust anyone. Everyone is possibly laughing up their sleeve, or in on a big joke, or knows something I don’t know and is going to use it to gain opportunity over me- this is what ASPD is! And guess who I, the fucking Grinch Mc.Central himself, guess who I *do* trust? My wife and my friends! I trust them to do what I believe they’re going to do, simply because they’ve already shown themselves to be that sort of person. I’m not friends with anyone who hasn’t been tested! Shit- I’m such a personality train-wreck that if you’re my friend, you know who and what you’re friends with! Yes! We’re friends! We’ve been through the shit, held our ground, kept each other’s back’s safe, and come out the other side trusting!
My wife could kill the two of us at any intersection. She could make it look like my fault. The way life leads to priorities, I’m always the one driving. When we come to an intersection, it’s her job to call right. I’m looking left. We have “Clear” “Not clear” and “Going” with “Go”. Have you watched one of the best movies ever made? Way Of The Gun? Ryan Phillipe and… Shit. He’s the coolest guy ever. (YAY!! JUST THOUGHT OF IT!! Benicio Del Toro) Literally. He’s Samuel L Jackson’s wallet Bad Motherfucker incarnate. Fuck!
But anyway- the scene where they make a run at Juliet Lewis? Does anyone else watch that scene and wish to experience that level of clarify and purpose in their lives? That’s teamwork- that’s trust. That’s how my wife and I communicate when driving. Yes, I’ll be the first to admit that this came about only after I came within a negative and inexplicable amount of space from impacting our F250 into the Driver Front corner of a logging Peterbilt at a probably combined 80-90 miles an hour while over-roading out in the boonies.
Once she stopped screaming and let go of the ceiling and I un-stalled the truck from it’s power slide-berm rest and checked for evidence of dimensional shifting we decided that yes, that truck DID have those horribly evil sharp spike lug nuts on the wheel that did pass- by both of our recollection- through the first 2 feet of our truck- without ever making contact… At the moment, I felt like an ass for startling the shit outta the trucker the way we did- which was sort of rocketing up and out and around a little corner of old bullshit single-track down onto the central forestry artery without any warning or signaling- just a careening sideways skidding that all the laws of physics should have launched the camper top off the bed…
I have no idea what I’m talking about. I feel like Towlie. I want to listen to Funky Town. Hang on sec… Oh. Yeah. So, he’s a dick for having those dangerous, scary things on his truck. I’m glad we didn’t die. Benicio Del Toro is the actor I was thinking of. You should trust your friends. If you can’t, they shouldn’t be your friends. If this leaves you with no friends, then you’re probably the untrustworthy one. Like Roger Rabbit said- “If no-one can trust you, go shoot yourself in the fucking head”. I’m as apologetic as a cluster B personality can get. I’m ClusterBeeSorry. Sheeeeeeet. I like that. I need to establish a blues career now that I’ve got a neato name. All that shit about fudge was a lie, too. The Taffy, not. But the fudge? Fudged.