The Dustwalker
Overall Recommendation
Recommendation?
Damn good, but damn weird movie. Uh… I mean, it’s not really a zombie movie, but I’m going to say it counts, since I consider 28 to be a zombie movie. I construe zombie to be humans no longer under human control and trying to kill you. If they just wanted to paint landscapes, I have no idea what I’d call them. But what I think is so frighteningly awesome about zombie movies is it uses our most basic fear- that of looking into another human’s eyes and seeing no humanity, just hunger. Hunger to eat your brain, in some instances, hunger to restore the Third Reich (Would that make it the Fourth, since the Third most definitely DID end?) in others, and just fucking deconstruct you into red shreds in other incantations. This falls into that third area of zombie movie, where people catch a space-sickness that makes them kill like homicidal blenders. And then, well, it adds an alien that’s pretty much a good guy? I think? Imagine the Predator if he were an ecologically conscious tourist. Yeah. Take that concept and wrap it around a really good 28 kinda movie about sick people with hive mind trying to kill their families. I gotta shout out to what I think is the fucking scariest lines I’ve ever heard- where Bill is asking for his son, after killing his daughter. Then to learn that he was riding along, watching it? This is a great movie with interesting leads and an Australian perspective on how to police zombies. It involves taking them into protective custody, not shooting them in the head. It’s almost… Canadian in it’s civility. This is a free-thought, out of the box wild-card moonshot that if it didn’t land, it made for a spectacular shooting star as it passed us by. This asks the kinda questions Tremors was brave enough to ask, if undisciplined enough to answer. I have never seen anything like this movie. It is as if, running through some foreign airport, I stopped to buy a popsticle wrapped in a language with characters I can’t comprehend and a cartoon drawing of a fruit icon… As I ate this treat, I continually discovered new aspects to the flavor, intricacies of taste and texture woven together like living carbon fiber mesh, but fruit flavored and prone to melting when put under pressure… Maybe the central component is Aloe? Maybe it’s some chemical catalyst. But I’m really glad I decided to try it, and if I’m ever running through a similar airport with my wife, I’ll buy us both one, just to watch her experience it for the first time. Oh. Yeah. And I’ll have to get her to take mushrooms first, too. That’s going to be difficult in, say, Singapore.
Plot Autopsy
Plot Autopsy
- Something comes from really really far away and ruins cell service.
- Bill is all red and acting weird and the Police Chief is going to quit soon?
- And then, like, more townspeople are standing around with rashes and the first body is found.
- There’s some strange shit with people running from hive mind zombies that get snatched up into the air
- Oh, yeah. A dust storm that does the old “You return out of the dust on the same road you drove away into the dust on” trick to keep people trapped. That’s… never really explained.
- What’s the point of guns if we’re not going to shoot stuff? But, like, negotiating with Aliens to clean up the mess they made is a good thing?
Zombie Description
Zombie Description
These are COMET zombies. As far as I can tell… a comet came to earth… no, wait… TWO comets came to earth… Two comets walk into a bar… Ok, like, one is shedding shit, and the other isn’t, and then people start finding this red-exploded animal crap that if they touch it they get infected and start walking around all Invasion and hive mind and for the most part, you just loiter. A couple zombies find their families and kill them, but… others are pretty talkative and cooperative. Turns out that this has that added spice of the human still being onboard and having to watch the evil that their hands do. Then, there’s like, something about ant spores and the alien which is grabbing… I mean, “grabbing” in the sense that it spears the zombie through the torso with it’s tail and then hauls them off to a burn-pit. I’m still pretty confused about that whole part, to be honest.
Where the money went
Where the money went
Man, whatever the director wanted to spend money on, they spend the right amount. The special effects were great, the script was… interesting. Fucking different, that’s for sure. The CGI was even pretty on point. I would have preferred a little less “Alien in your face” unless they’re going Alien in your face, but they did it justice. Those dust clouds, the rashes, the acting… I mean… for gods sake, lady, learn how to use the fucking gun you’re going to be running around the movie with, but that’s trivial. But it pissed me off.
Best Weapon
Best Weapon
A fucking pogo stick. Or, at least, that’s what I think it was. At other moments I could have sworn it was a simple sword kinda prop, like an elementary school would use in a play but the kids would still get in trouble if they actually pretended it was a sword. So, the little girl is like “You’re gonna need a weapon, take this!” and the teacher condescends and tells her to keep it safe for when she gets back. A few minutes later, we find the teacher bashing a bloodied infected to the ground repeatedly with the thing. If it really was a pogo-stick, my heart is a-flutter. A huge honorable mention goes to the croquet mallet which, since I don’t know anything about Australia (You know, I just realized that I’m operating on complete assumption that it *was* Australia.) Seriously. Could have been fucking Wales or Ecuador for all I know.
Can I get a hand?
Can I get a hand?
No, but you can get speared through the chest. And burned like interstellar bacterial waste. This wasn’t a traditional zombie movie, since it’s not corpse re-animation. This is viral space zombie, and it had nothing to do with Plan 9, so… There wasn’t any following of other’s footsteps here. This shit literally got ONE Kevin Bacon away from Stamets, who is one of my personal heroes. That’s even better than Zombie-breach.
That was new!
That was new!
I’ve never seen a zombie movie where a space-alien took it upon themselves to clean up all the zombies, like… hunting them down and spearing them and dragging them away to a safe distance from town where it then incinerated them all with it’s breath. I… I… I feel sort of the same way I did the first time I saw 28, where there was so much WTF going on in the middle of the enjoyment.
Review Notes
Review Notes
Opens with some really cool “it came from VERY far away.” stuff.
That ends up… at a cell tower.
Dude meets a dog! Always trust a dog-lover.
Dude meets… well, whatever it is from far away.
Dude… gets taken over by… something in his veins. And under his skin. And gross.
A woman… sees a big shiny UFO thingy? Am I THAT far off genre?
Some kid… something at his window?
“Did your mother ignore you?” Wow. That’s one telling sentence.
It’s morning. And not necessarily a good one for everyone.
Cell towers… electrictal issues.
Thank god Luke has a mustache. He can handle this.
“The city’s a great place.”
Lots of cell phone tower… wreckage?
“Fix it? We need a new one!”
Something about a day before a satellite… able to phone calls…
A bloody rock? Or is it a dead bird?
I’m not sure if that was flirting? I don’t understand some of this “Human” stuff.
They have snacks.
“Sounds like you need a coffee!”
“White and one.” What the FUCK does that mean?
“White and one? Get stuffed.” I mean… What the FUCK does that mean?
The cook… a dog in distress?
Chopping sound?
The guy walking from the cell tower towards town?
“Being here makes me miss them and that pisses me off!”
What… the cook just walked out.
Red shit on the ground.
Dead… bird? Dead dog?
“What the hell are those things sticking out of it’s neck?”
We’re getting a doctor. Ok.
No one knows what Anthony is doing?
“I cannot believe you’re the next generation.”
Something important about the telescope.
A bunch of kids on a playground.
Bathrooms?
Whoah… that guy has some horrid rash on the back of his neck. Talk about a redneck.
And then… in the desert… another dude wandering, dropping his hat…
I’m thinking of getting some Triscuits.
I think the balcony is the place to be.
“Is Anthony stoned or what?”
This is rapidly turning into one of those weird “people standing in one place and staring at you” kinda movies… like Invasion-Snatchers style.
I had to get some cereal; I’m trying out a new spoon. I’m not sure if I like it. I mustn’t hold it against the movie if not.
Some woman wanders the desert with a really old camera…
Why does that server have an eye chart on it?
Uh… So, is this woman the police chief or something?
Bill is a zombie. He has red all over his hands. He has horrible complexion.
Oh, he’s not normal in the least.
Kid is more observant than you, lady… pay attention to the kid.
Yeah. Bill ain’t right.
I’m not sure shutting all the blinds is going to fix it.
The photo lady.
The meteor impact area?
“That is solid rock. That is solid, solid rock. Yet something has made this indent. I’m a geologist. I know my rocks.” I trust you. Seem to know the lingo.
“Teenagers? What are you? Like, 80?”
Oh, this is… are they in the bathroom?
I think… they’re barricading themselves in?
Bill? Frank? Cell towers? Bloody rocks.
Another corpse with little spiky things.
Bill… his face is pulsing?
I like that little girl’s thinking. A pogo-stick. That’s a weapon. I’ve have taken it.
So she’s in the office now… trying to use the phone.
Trying the radio…
A livestock disease?
Fuck, I would kill for some candy.
“Fuck my lunch.”
Town is deserted.
“This doesn’t feel right.” No shit.
FAAAAK. I just remembered where some of my wife’s frozen peanut butter cups are.
Bill… looks really bad.
“I want the other one. Can I have the other one? I want the boy now.” This is some fucked up shit.
Oh, there’s red all over the bathroom floor.
Fuck, I’m hungry. Munchies killing me! No frozen fruit in the house.
I think… she found something bad.
Bill… Is following directions?
Oh, what the fuck. Why is she in the girls… if she’s looking for the boy?
What the… that… that’s a very deconstructed… child.
She found Alvin! Bonus!
I’m having a bit of trouble with the accents.
Oh. Shit. That was his DAUGHER?
Isolating Bill to the Old Jail?
Meanwhile, back with Anthony…
Oh, shit. There’s people standing all around. All are sick.
Where…
Wow. I just Monty Python Squishing Foot’d a fruit fly. He knows what he did!
Some sort of feral… scream?
“Waiting for someone normal to pass.”
Wow. That is… that’s a mess.
Does he have a gun? I think that’s the deputy…
Fucking Australia makes everything difficult.
Seriously though, if it weren’t for the insects I’d move there in a heartbeat.
And at the top of the stairs…
Ok, he just saved the kids from the balcony… who could have climbed down at any time.
More dog in distress sounds. Not cool.
Oh, shit, that’s Anthony.
Dude! You… EEEE!!!!
It’s like… how much blacker could it be? And the answer is… None.
Mushrooms and munchies during a zombie movie are weird fucking bedfellows.
She… doesn’t want Anthony hurt?
Doesn’t seem like that’s gonna be an issue.
Oh, shit! Zombie Anthony did NOT like getting shot in the leg!
No, lady, you’re right. This is creepy as fuck.
And that woman watching the bug… that’s not good.
No, this is not normal. You are quite right. And you are quite fucked.
Who is that guy?
Well, you’re gonna find out soon!
Damn, he’s fast!
Oh. He’s inside. That’s bad.
Dean? Stop being a dick!
What the fuck? Why does Dean have the baby out there?
That’s a 1911, I believe. She has yet to thumb the hammer back.
Whoah! These guys have the ability to fucking teleport or something, the way they disappear and then show up again.
Dean? Whoah. Strangle-man.
Free baby!
What the fuck?
Some tail coming out the earth?
Or, like, a tyrannosaurus running back down into it’s burrow? What the fuck am I watching? And why are there no snacks?
All the zombie creatures… are coming. Fast.
Oh, shit! The corpse got dragged somewhere?
They’re running around in unison to block the car?
Climbing the high-tension wires like squirrels?
Bouncing off cars like squirrels, too!
Fuck Parkour!
Oh, shit. That’s one hell of a dust-storm. That’s like, Biblical shit. Like, Mummy shit.
Got Bill in the Alamo. Wonder where Ozzy is?
Oh. Bill is… rapt. Yet uncommunicative.
No, you do NOT go into the cell with him??
His face… is changing? Like, the virus is recessing and he’s trying to understand what he did.
He’s saying he has someone in his head. Something?
Yeah, batter your own head with your fists. Some of you have never run for your life from a naked mental patient intent on killing you. And it shows.
He knew what he was doing… he couldn’t stop himself.
Begging to be killed.
And the virus is back. Talking in a distorted voice. About snapping her neck.
I just ate a peanut butter and jelly sammich. It was lovely.
Oh, and the spoon totally worked. I approve. Good milk retention ratios. Sized for goodly portions, but no so big that I can’t fit them in my mouth without dribbling all over the place. Spoon good! Spoon good!
Back at the sandstorm… It’s funky.
And… I think she’s gonna make a run through it.
Samantha… beating the shit outta someone with the pogo-stick! YES!!
Oh. Left your keys out there with the zombies, eh?
Oh. Uh… I think we just saw… giant… scorpions… stab all the zombies and take them away?
Oh, shit… She just drove back in the way she left.
Oh, shit… Angela’s car is fucked.
And Angela… well, “WE’RE SO FUCKED!”
Wow. Breaking out the arsenal. “But we keep to not shooting anyone. Unless we have to.”
The balcony teens are here and pissed off.
Oh! Now she’s gonna admit to the UFO.
“Nothing is going to seem crazy right now.”
Wow. Madam Chief of Police is being a dick.
The Doc thinks its incredible.
Something about how this people are infected with something antlike. And spores and stuff. Paul Stamets, eat your heart out.
Someone else is dead.
And someone else is about to die.
Psycho called, they want their perspective back.
Still hasn’t thumbed back the hammer. Corpses all over the floor, sounds of movement in the house, but… Nah. NOT going to need to shoot. No possibility of it.
Especially with that bloody corpse standing there staring at you.
Whoah, shit… that was fucked. Startled, and she still didn’t shoot.
A bird? Surfing? A Surfing Bird?
Sounds like everyone is bunkering down.
Why didn’t she take a rifle?
Does… he not see her?
We’re off to get the others?
“I’ve never heard you yell.”
“Yeah, well, murder and aliens do that.”
“You wait here until I need to use you as a diversion.”
I like the croquet mallet! Good weapon!
And good on you for not leaving grandma!
Oh shit is right.
Wow. They run FAST. That dude is fucked.
Oh, shit!
Fucking SHOOT already.
Jesus. Took you long enough.
And someone else went missing?
Whoah! Run!!
Start shooting!
One shot? Jesus, the restraint.
Oh! Shit!
And… screeching… and something pulling them all into the…
Ok, so… they saw this huge lizard creature thing with the… zombie speared on it’s tail.
And she… shoots straight up. Instead of at the vicious threat.
And then… there’s a deputy-on-captain “We need a plan” dog-leg-humping scene.
The geologist is back out in the desert…
I think that’s a pile of bodies.
“So we’re NOT going to chase the alien??”
Oh… uh… well…
First, a leg got grabbed
And then… the street imploded
And then the alien jumped out of the hole. You know.
And… A very tense stand-off.
And… shovel surgery.
The alien goes back down it’s hole… with the girl’s mom… minus the hand.
The alien… has gathered all the zombies into a pile and then incincerates them with it’s magic breath.
And the cloud storm dissipates.
The teens look like they’re hung over as shit.
And… like… something about getting a new job.
————End Transmission——————–
Introduction
Introduction
Unless this is the very first thing you’ve read that I’ve written, I am an atheist. I’ll say I’m an agnostic, even, the kind who believes that if there is a being able to create existence or planets or both, I doubt they speak English or could be bothered to take the time to learn.
That said, I have attended what was a very mild version of a religious school; I spent a year in high school at Quaker commune school in the middle of Iowa. I was there for many reasons, none of them having anything to do with religion, but part of the curriculum available was a study of the bible. So, I have read large chunks of it. I really like the story of Job. I think the fanatical dedication to describing every minute detail of the ark in Cubits to be a waste of ink. Cubits of it. I did not find myself enraptured, nor really was I all that interested.
It’s hard to have a whole lot of social faith in the book once you see how so many people subjectively misinterpret specific passages of it in order to suit their own perspective or agenda. I will also go on record that I have not read more than passing glances at other holy books, and I claim nothing more than a Daoist attempt at Surfing The Universe. My entire theology can be summed up as “always make the best choice you’ve got and nothing can ever really go wrong.” If shit’s out of my control, I try not to let it bother me.
I’m not perfect. I’m often quite bothered. But not by religious stuff. Which makes this next sharing so hard to put out there. First, I bounced it off my best friend, who I believe is best classified as an Ex-Catholic. Or maybe Protestant. I don’t really remember, I couldn’t tell you the difference between those two; all I remember for certain is that he said he was raised by parents who believed the entire bible occurred as it was literally written.
There are so many things wrong with that phrasing that I apologize in advance if any English Grammar teachers read this. Also, by the way, you’ve completely wasted your life and the time of every pupil you’ve ever taught. So, there is that.
But, then I… I think I have a bug on my screen but he keeps hiding on the periods and commas. I only see him when the text advances a line and then it’s only for a second until he scurries up to whatever he’s gonna hide behind next. No. Never mind. That was the mushrooms.
So, then I told my wife about it, and she was pretty non-plussed. Then again, she hears me say a whole lot of wacky shit, so it’s pretty hard to phase her. So now I’ll share it. Two nights ago, as I laid in bed trying to let the drugs do their thing and bring the sleep… I thought about how we have not heard anything from the contractors who we’re working with to have our new house built, and how it’s been months of silence ever since they said that our building had to have a special engineer work on it, since it’s more Modern-ish than they’re used to. We were like; Ok- get back in touch with us whenever you have news.
That was months ago. My sense of time is admittedly fucked, but… as I lay there, I very carefully phrased something akin to “I’m not sending this out to any specific deity, or in the direction of any thought process; this is me praying the same way you fire a shotgun at the moon, but please let us hear something from the builders. The next day I received a text message from them.
I was raised with visits from a crazy grandmother who used to try to get me to eat more by waving spoonfuls of Cheerios saying “One more bite for Jesus!” and “Jesus died for you, you could at least eat this cereal to say Thank You to him.” I had to ask my parents who Jesus was. My parents are East Coast Liberals who would rather hang up a Velvet Elvis than anything religious.
I agree with them, except I actually do like a couple of his songs. Also, I did go through a period of time when I was selling drugs that I was really into his movies, too, but I can’t really defend that. So how do I go from a babushka pushing cerealized-starches on me in the name of a savior who I couldn’t identify if he hauled me into a van and touched me inappropriately to throwing out random prayers and somehow landing the theologistic hole-in-one?
There is no religion on earth that would sanction my life’s actions, and I’m including Anton Lavey’s bullshit Church of Satan in that, and yes, I had the Satanic Bible and guess what- even according to it, I’ve sinned. I have no idea. I don’t know that I’ll ever try this again. What would I wish for?
You can’t wish for material gain, since if you do and it shows up, you’re fucking beholden whether you read the fine print or not. You can’t wish for massive difference in the world, since that implies that the same power you’re praying to has made a mistake in their creation of the world. This is why when I envisioned my response to being able to petition for a super-power, I requested the ability to move vending machines a couple feet in either direction so’s to get the coins that have rolled under them.
The punchline of the joke is that the message I received from the builders was completely vague, in that the Engineers have questions. My initial response was that they’re the fucking Engineers, I can’t even get through Calculus without sobbing over my homework at the kitchen table in uncomprehending rage… You fucking figure it out. Don’t come to me with a problem, come to me with some options.
I groveled back that they could contact us whenever it was convenient. I flailed like a newly single person attempting to work through the first experiences with online dating. I begged for contact. For information. For anything. And then they went fucking silent, until while I was already writing this and I got a text that they’ve been down with stomach bugs and now the person who knows what the questions are is out of town for most of next week. This is twice that this same scenario has played out now. Did I really get my prayer answered, or did I just get fucked with on a scale of Interstellar Pig. Which I just jumped onto Amazon and ordered a used copy of.
I haven’t even gone into how I haven’t done any maintenance on the hot water heater in this house, and I was pretty sure that one of the two heating elements was bad, because it took forever for the water to heat up. Finally, a couple nights ago, right after we drank a big pot of mushroom tea, we realized we didn’t have any hot water. (microwaved the water for the tea) Ok, onto YouTube we go. Simple enough.
Except, I can’t find my inch and half socket, or wrench. Well, off to the store, since we have to get the heating elements anyway. The only place still open had the socket, but not the heating elements. Ok. So I can only get the job half done. I’ll finish it tomorrow. Turns out the drive size for a socket that big is ¾ of an inch, and I can’t find the right adaptor… so… Fucked.
I settle for trying to drain the tank, and Tomorrow is another day. 7am- which, to me is a time that you should be still up from the night before, not a starting time for commerce… 7am and I’m at the big hardware store, where after 3 tries the patient lady explains that they actually make a wrench specifically for removing the heating elements… unfortunately, I can’t return the $17 socket… But I can buy the correct tool for like, $3.47.
So back home, we… oh. Yeah. I skipped a big part of it. Diagnosing the problem. Last year, the breaker for the thing kept getting tripped somehow… it was shorting out- I know this now after pulling the lower element. But I kept going and fucking with the breaker for the heater, then coming in and trying to see if I felt any heat from the elements… And that’s how I got the first of three really nasty electric shocks.
After that first bad one, my right hand held the feeling, and my mushroom mind really felt cheated that I couldn’t shoot blue electricity out of my fingertips like in Big Trouble in Little China. I somehow got shocked twice more. I think my wife could explain it. I don’t even remember it. But I know I got shocked three times. I finally killed the breaker, pulled the top element out, and had to deal with 20 gallons of water pouring out at me and my preparatory 5-gallon bucket. I got drenched. I got some of the water to the sink. I did not call it a win.
I thought about why I was so wet when I thought I’d already drained the tank, and then made the third smart decision I’ve ever made (1 was buying this property, 2 was marrying my wife) to use her fish tank draining equipment to remove the water from the rest of the tank before I opened the lower element area and, well, don’t store half a pallet of Triscuits on the floor, that’s one of the lessons you might learn.
I do the old Cheech and Chong gasoline-stealing suction thing and start filling my bucket… but then I notice that weird translucent chunks of what looks like shredded jelly-fish start coming out, and then the consistency of the water itself grew thick and no longer would come through the hose… It was like if Essence D’Chia Seed had… manifested itself in our hot water heater. Goo. Translucent goo.
I pulled out the lower element… and mountainous rivulets of the stuff came out. Imagine 30 gallons of half-congealed Jell-O. Fuck Bill Cosby. The shit wouldn’t stop pouring out of the water heater. This is why it didn’t drain… it had Slimer’s corpse decaying in the bottom of it like Hoffa at the bottom of a New Jersey well. Fuck New Jersey while I’m at it. Fucking armpit of America. I ended up just letting shit pour out of the tank, fuck the floor. I had to scoop it into the bucket using a spatula. I have a fan in there trying to dry the rest of it. I tried looking it up online, all I could get was it was jellified silica. Or lime. Who knows? Just thankful that I was able to fix the tank.
We were supposed to have been building all this summer and moving into our new house… right about now, actually. Instead, we’re moving the bed into the living room of our 1880 farmhouse in order to be closer to the pellet-stove, the only real source of heat. We’re resigned to one more winter without insulation. It’s gonna be fucking fantabulous.
So yeah. I prayed, my prayer was granted, yet my perplexion remains unaddressed and unabated. I blew 30 gallons of cosmic snot all over the pantry. At least 4 or 5 gallons still remains to be cleaned up somehow. Oh, and we watched Nope.
I have been waiting for that to come down to a rental for months, and after we watched it, my wife asked me if it had been worth the wait. What the fuck else do you think I said? Not only was the movie a confusing bumble of “ok, I guess so…” slapped against “And then there’s this, too.” but the question served it up like T-ball. Nope. Peele, this is not your strongest work. If I haven’t mentioned Paprika, I really should have.
But, so, like… I actually know what I’m watching tonight, and I’m really excited for it. The Dustwalker. “One by one the residents of a small, isolated town become infected by an insidious bug that turns them into violent, indiscriminate killing machines.” I will admit that I am stepping into some unknown here… I believe I may be discovering a sub-genre, perhaps, of new zombie movie. I have… no idea what I’m talking about.
But, I wanted to make sure that this had something zombie-ish to it, and from what I found, it all gets started by a comet, and if it’s good enough for Romero to use to jump-start a movement, well, I’m gonna go with it’s worth watching another person’s version of “A comet shows up and then everything goes to shit and you can’t trust people to treat you like a person.”
Another note for the evening. I tried to take another hit from the bowl end of the bong. Thank god I felt the heat before I burned myself again. I am just barely holding this ship together. We’re sliding sideways down the rapids and screaming WOOOO since the other option is to scream nothing in fear.