The Manson Brothers Midnight Zombie Massacre
Overall Recommendation
Recommendation?
Shit. This is a gem. There. I said it. The first half starts off weebly-wobbly with far too much talk about wrestling, but when the actual zombie stuff kicks off, it’s really well done. Strangely, that’s where the chemistry and good lines start flowing. Maybe the actors needed something (zombies) to distract them from the fact that they were acting? It was strange. The lines that Skull kept saying that I wrote I was tuning out? They became funny, everything began to gel once the action began. Note- It’s not like I got higher right before the good part, either. It just really improved. They go places in this movie that aren’t necessarily the best places to have gone, but the overall effect, once completely blended, ingested, and digested is a wacky, silly fun buddy (brothers) movie 100% shot in an ice hockey rink. I will be honest and up front about my absolute distain for professional wrestling. I loathe and detest it. I believe it could literally be a metaphor for the forces of Satan at work in our world were I a man of faith. But to take the action outside of the ring without losing the wrestling vibe, and then bring the action into the ring without losing the zombie vibe; if you were to tell me chronologically the occurrences of the plot, I’d tell you it’s a stupid movie. But I’m glad I watched it. If the first half lulls you into complacent blank-ity, the 2nd half repeatedly cold-waters you back to “Whoah!”. They did a great job of defining lines and boundaries, and then taking great delight in breaking them. I can’t really say that any one part of this movie stood out in it’s greatness; the zombie effects were top notch professional, but nothing groundbreaking. The writing went from regrettable to hilarious, and the action went from none to Throttle. I have to say the first half of the movie? Really not worth watching. If you want to watch a funny zombie brawl of a movie, start watching where the obese drug dealer and the miniature Ultimate Warrior sneak into the janitor’s closet for the drug deal. That’s the beginning of the zombie goodness. Trying to think this through, I wonder if the filmmakers doubted how strong they’d be on the zombie front, so maybe they felt that investing the first half talking about wrestling was a good way to lock people into caring about the upcoming zombie massacre? Or maybe there really is an audience who wants to watch grown men bitch about who pinned who a decade ago. But there is a zombie-carnage audience, and they should watch this. I’m not sure what to do to take the taste of wresting out of your mouth though- even as they made fun of some of the wrestling cliches, it felt like your doctor joking with you about the realities of STDs. Since I’m totally clueless about who I just saw- aside from Couture, it could be that this was a by wrestlers for wrestlers (BWFW) movie that happened to be produced by and star a bunch of wrestlers, they wanted to show off their acting abilities? They could have made something Range 15ish, and left the ring out of the movie completely, but I respect them staying small and contained and then doing a great job achieving great results of their modest expectations.
Plot Autopsy
Plot Autopsy
- In lieu of anything else, there’s a graphic novel that sets up the story
- There’s a whole lot of talking about wrestling
- Chinese Steroids. They’re from Jina.
- Behind locked doors, zombies start ripping it up
- Slow motion Zombie Ballet
- You sit there going “Whoah!” a bunch of times as unexpected things occur
Zombie Description
Zombie Description
Well, aside from the initial “caused by Chinese steroids” twist, these were traditional fast zombies, although “Infected”, so regular human body trauma could kill them. Head shots aren’t necessary, although- Jesus. Talk about effective. If you get bit, you turn into one, unless you get bit in a janitor’s closet, and then you just die. The bitten turn when it’s convenient to move the plot along, but since this is a sort of bumper-cars version of a plot, you’re so busy with the other jostling you don’t really notice it. The zombies had some degree of intelligence at times, but none at other times. To be honest, they really played the zombie rules fast and loose on this one, but that’s ok, because their zombies were 100%. The classical music score to the slow motion massacre was wonderful, and the filming and editing did a perfect job framing it all for us, only to break that frame in order to reveal the next.
Where the money went
Where the money went
It’s hard to tell, everything seemed to have a good balance of funding and know how to produce a good movie. The beginning of the script was cancerous with redundant dialogue about wrestling, but when the zombies got turned up there were no points where I thought to myself “They could have done a better job with that.” Did they need to give the midget a S&W .500? No. Was it realistic when fired? No. Did it do a great job as the only firearm in the movie, used sparingly, and intensely creatively? Yes. If I had to quibble with anything, it’d be the set. I played youth hockey, I was on a competitive travelling swim team, I’ve been in gymnasiums all over the Pacific North West. That was shot at an ice rink, I’m telling you. And the soda machines are the really old kind that just gave you a cup of soda with crushed ice instead of a can or bottle. Everything about that place screamed ice skating rink. And that kinda rubbed me the wrong way. But not enough for me to really care. I give great respect and kudos to whoever signed off on the makeup and gore budget. That was money well spent, and without it, you wouldn’t have the gem that this is. Ok- Got another one here. Costumes. The two brothers were pretty nondescript in their Vince Neilism, but Elvis? Fuck yeah. And the Great Chorizo- even before he became such… The suit Carson wears? Costumes.
Best Weapon
Best Weapon
Possibly a broken off broom? Or maybe it was the Atomic Wedgie? Look, this is a BWFW (By Wrestlers, For Wrestlers) movie, and that said, they’re gonna want to wrestle things out, not blow them up or shoot them out, or even kung-fu kick towards a mediated agreement. Elvis weaponized his cape, a whole bunch of people got Bok-Chong’d (elbow to top of head) I did absolutely love the doctor drunkenly bottling whatshisname- I thought he was a random drunken British tourist for a while before I realized we’d met him already and he wasn’t a new character.
Can I get a hand?
Can I get a hand?
See, no-one gets buried at a hockey rink. So there were no corpses rising up out of the earth. There were some nice reanimations/onset of sickness, but there weren’t any real focus on the various genre hand focal shots. I did find myself curiously analyzing the midget holding the massive revolver. Most of the time, his finger wasn’t anywhere near the trigger, he simply couldn’t reach. And that’s not a bad thing. If that’s the fucking hand cannon I believe it is, it’s the largest production handgun in the world right now, and if the midget had fired it, he’d most likely have it embedded in his face as a result. So, point is, I did stare at the midget’s hands a lot. Even though it wasn’t zombie related.
That was new!
That was new!
Damn, I feel like I had a really good one for this. I might have to go back to my notes. Well, I don’t really want to write about this, but filming 6 scenes in a disgustingly decrepit bathroom, including 2 that are shot birds-eye down onto a man sitting on a toilet… Well, these were new. And unwanted. I’m not saying no-one ever put a camera up there. I think there’s a couple scenes like this in Get The Gringo, pretty sure ZombieLand has one as well, but this was intentionally different and disgusting. The editing and filming of this movie, while not at the forefront, contributed massively to the overall feel, and I bet donuts that they made it as gross and dingy as they could for those two scenes. Why, I have no fucking idea. They could have done the same shit differently without pushing my squeamish buttons. And I’m used to army/prison style showers. I’m not prudish, and I hate cleaning a bathroom (Yellow?!), but that was over the fucking line and, absent any reason or contribution to the storyline, should have been cut out in favor of something less lowest common denominator. Speaking of- the Atomic Wedgie was new. That entire character was new. Fucking loved it.
Review Notes
Review Notes
3 huge hits and I couldn’t clear the spoon. I mean, I started with a FAT drop, but almost ½ of it’s still hanging on like a brown booger of failure. As I cough my esophagus up onto the laptop screen.
Cost me $3.99. Thought it was $1.99. I want my two dollars!
I hate movies that start off with silent text. I always panic that I’m missing narration ‘cause the sound is muted or something.
Interesting- starts off with a Nietzsche quote, yet not the overused “lest one become a monster as well” lines. I used to read Nietzsche in undergrad. I’d get really high and draw a hot bath and lie there with no other stimulation as I tried to follow along. Inevitably, I’d wake up in cold water with a half-sodden book on my chest.
Stylish intro. Dig the skull.
This music is why the world hates America. Among other things. It’s about bowling ball blues.
A shirtless man who should be wearing a shirt is arguing with a shirted woman who looks as if shirted is not her natural habitat.
They’re fighting about who could have married who. Typical Springer shit.
Child walks into the trailer asking about a graphic novel. Dad explains it’s about wrestlers. Dad explains… well… the basic premise of the movie literally through the graphic novel.
I am both highly attracted to and repulsed by that back tattoo.
We’re filming in the 80’s? Early 90’s?
Amateur professional wrestling… (gagging noises)
The nose is yelling and drops the line “We don’t beat people up, we beat them off!” but since it’s yelled in deafened fraternity brother, it’s not funny.
And the other part of the tag team just looks like Neil Young. On any average day back in the Free World times. Love that song.
Camera zooms in, and he doesn’t look like Neil Young anymore.
Neil Young wouldn’t have such issues with an entire state.
Back in the trailer, the dad tells the son that this is setup or whatever, and then the pinup and him argue some more, and some funny things are said, but the people saying them are too annoying for it to work.
WWO Tag Team Title.
Excommunicated from the big leagues due to cop stuff.
Now they in the loser Indy circuit.
We have the most uncomfortable bathroom scene since Full Metal Jacket.
Those are drawn on abdominals
Some arguments about hookers and wrestling history.
I just sneezed.
Uh… the two teams of wresters plan the match, one gets upset.
Wow. Should have given this role to Flea. But this guy is doing a good job!
More wrestling history. Considering it’s all like, false to the 4th power, why did they even bother to write the dialogue. It could as easily be Charlie Brown’s adults “waah wah waah wahhh wahh” or whatever.
“You shit your pants one time with this guy and you never live it down.” I think crapping yourself around someone is one of the major steps of friendship. It means you’ve either laughed so hard, or been so scared… Ok. I’m not gonna go into this. But crapping yourself is normal. Kinda.
A lotta Gibronies.
Ahh. The Skull character’s thing is that he uses the wrong words, and he usually uses sexual ones. To an eight year old. Prophylactic. Prostitute.
The ladder guy… I’m either too high or not enough. I feel for him.
A couple girlfriends? Glad we got this wonderful character development. These are men in relationships. Not married, but relationships.
“Ok, fuckwads; obey my bullshit instructions at all times or I’ll yank down my pants and wiggle my prick in your face. And I ain’t had a bath in a week.” Said by the drunken wrestling referee right before starting the match
We have an actively drinking referee.
The Ultimate Warrior called. He wants his… everything back.
There is a wresting match occurring and the director didn’t want to make it too glamorous for either performers or crowd. Everyone looks like someone you would cross streets to avoid. Not out of fear, more like you don’t want to smell them while they ask for spare change.
There’s a man yelling random crap out of a box. Oh, that’s their promotor.
A conversation about a rematch. A cage match.
Don’t have 3 people yelling into a fisheye lens. It’s too intense.
Wrestling talking. More talking. About wrestling.
Chinese steroids?
A parrot story. There’s no pirates in sight. But a parrot story.
Ok. I’m not going to write it all out, but the back and forth about Skull not realizing he’s of Mexican heritage is fucking hilarious.
Back in the fucking trailer.
Back with the wrestling world. Big fat guy distributing the steroids.
That’s the most BDSM themed steroid injecting room that I’ve ever seen.
Some heavy metal, some self-oiling…
A door busting in scene.
A fat guy is hungry and has a tummy ache
A fat guy quickly goes from hungry tummy ache to zombie- and then attacks the fake Ultimate Warrior, and then they brawl in a tiny room- some of the most/best claustrophobic filming I’ve seen, and then gets killed with a broken broom planted in his back like a flag on the moon. But damn. That all was *good*.
And then they… penis joke.
The janitor is going to be “The great Chorizo”
A creepy 2nd hand store…
Spanish gypsy…
Good luck masks. With spooky magic.
“If you take them, they’re yours. Do you understand?”
“No, but I’ll take them anyway!”
I’ve been in a lot of therapy. I was talking to a therapist earlier today. I’ve never simultaneously received a foot massage. Which is good, I’m not great about people touching my feet. But a shoulder massage would be nice.
Neil Young has gambling and anger issues, or at least that’s what he and the doctors talk about.
“The urologist said I have an oddly shaped urethra, you insensitive witch!” I call my wife a witch. More in the sense that she can do magic though, like one time she was blowing up a pillow and summoned a deer.
Relationship talk.
I’ve stopped listening when Skull talks, because every line has turned into “Find the screwed up wrong word choice.” It’s frustrating to be 1/3 of the way through a movie and already intentionally tuning one character out.
Big storm coming in.
A “Fake news” joke. About the weather.
Back to wrestling. And playing blackjack.
Thump, you can’t act.
Elvis, I love your lunchbox related rage.
The three douchebags want into the wrestling match. I can’t see why, the walls appear urine stained.
It’s like the one set they could actually use was a local hockey rink, so they had to shoot really creatively to not include any of the rinks or anything related.
I don’t want to see birds eye view of a man sitting on a toilet. Why would they do this? Why didn’t someone point out that just because you can, you’re not obligated to it.
“Wasabi peas” You gotta be there.
Ok, the conversation about meningitis is fucking gold, too. Too much to write down, but its’s great!
Talk of Carson.
Elvis… may be being seduced by Carson.
That’s tantric meditation.
“For the last time, I did not fuck your dog! It was a cuddle.”
Wrestling talk about wrestling shit.
“I heard when Lord Thurmond Ruggles died, the funeral director made the coroner cut off his feet before they put him in the casket. Then they cremated the feet and flushed the ashes down the toilet. Fucking guy is buried with no feet. Do you think they’re reunited in heaven?”
“Yeah, of course! It says so right in the bible!”
The Chorizo is having tummy problems and the three douchebags are being jerks to him.
Wait. Was that Randy Couture?
Got another zombie turning….
That was some of the most savage zombie savaging I’ve seen. Nice. They do zombies and gore really good, but so far there’s just not enough of it.
Yeah, I think those are Couture’s ears. Cauliflower.
More wrestling talk.
Wrestling arguing.
Wrestling feelings.
Wrestling making up.
The women arrive and there’s some comment about lingerie. I’ve always been proud of my ability to spell that word. Lingerie is one of the most extreme examples of a word not sounding like it’s spelled. It took me forever and Bloom County to realize that “Linger-EE” was the same thing as “Lawnshurea”. Fuck the pilgrims. Punch every buckle wearing colonist right in their prudish face.
Storm of the century happening.
Remember the awkward birds eye view of the guy in the toilet? Well, we just did it again, except with Elvis on the toilet (Don’t worry, he lived through this one) and both couples talking to him. He’s wearing his pants. While sitting on the toilet.
A bathroom rant about how wrestling is fake and bullshit.
“You sit to pee?”
“Yes, but I don’t stand to poop.”
“Oh, thank god!”
The really ugly guy overdosed on the Chinese steroids and now is on a water binge.
“Carson! When did you get here?”
“Uh, right about the time I said Hello to you in the hallway.”
Now the storm has cancelled the wrestling event.
Everyone is mad about money. Without a wrestling event, how are they going to get them money they need to save the ___________?”
“Your brother owes money to the Dwarven Mafia?”
“That would seem to be the case.”
Uh… a midget… small person… is waving around a really big revolver.
He really wants his $4,000.
A midget who… Irish… Hungarian… wants respect… A conversation occurs involving a small person with big ambitions and a lot of spray-on empathy. It could have been a good scene.
Zombie sounds from down the hall
Zombie eating a head
Zombie wants out
Zombie gets out
A tiny heart attack
An ugly zombie – waving
A chokehold..
A pile of bodies
The plot is kinda veering all over the place without going anywhere.
Everyone needs to go to the ring now.
Far too little of far too pink.
And all hell breaks loose
A great slow-motion classical music zombie brawl.
I’m seeing Jeff Bridges’ Dude in this guy.
That’s a pulped face.
Once again, that was an awesome zombie attack. Or rather, twenty great zombie attacks. Great scene.
“Remember I gave that little scooter to you for your paraplegic cat? The one that’s missing an ear?”
Elvis enters a locker room and encounters zombie chorizo.
“Fuck sopapillas!”
El Matador…
“You know The Great Chorizo? That kid who ate all your pop tarts that one time?”
Ok. Zombie carnage. The good stuff. A little camera-heavy on Couture, but that makes sense- he’s able to do the most realistic stuff. And to a large degree, that’s what they’re going for here. The insane panic brawling that occurs in close quarters when people begin turning. It’s all here. It’s all good. And it went on for like, 10 minutes. Wonderful.
That’s the most fucked up deathbed confession I’ve ever heard. I used to work in the adult industry though, and I’ve heard “worse”.
Holy FUCK!! I was just considering that as a wild insane possibility and he DID IT!! That’s a hard shot to make work and they did it!
Carson is COLD.
“This magic mask better fucking work!”
Ok. We’re coughing again. Had to pee, took another toke, cleared the spoon… which may have been a bad idea. I’m locking my abdominals trying to fight the dab sweats. Just took my sweatshirt and socks off. Almost done.
Dude. Carson just shot Elvis by accident!
“But that’s on the other end of the marina. Arena.”
Great editing between the music/no music
And SHIT! There’s a good jump!
Zombie chaos!
In the ring cage with the zombies on the outside
A plan of some degree
The umpire’s dismount is great! I love his whole character and the actor is both great at it and great at looking like the type of guy who… you get it.
And then we put the masks on and say “Spooky magic” and now we’re fighting zombies in the ring, wrestling style!
Got most of the zombies locked in the cage…
Mr. Not Enough Pink is still loose!
“He’s even hot as a zombie” (spoken in complaint by a jealous heterosexual)
“Fundamentals! Fundamentals!” I only really include this on the off-chance that my wife will read it. I’m from the East Coast and grew up Baseball, and part of Baseball on the East Coast is the Boston/Yankees rivalry, and this leads up to some pretty serious heckling. And like I said, this is the environment I came of age in. I Heckle. There’s nothing polite or demure about it. I heckle every sport every chance I get. And one of my favorites is simply repeatedly yelling “Fundamentals!”; it’s hilariously useless advice yet generally always applicable. So, in the context of this movie, Fundamentals doesn’t rate a mention, but in the sheer happiness that it brings me, I’m a sunflower in a green field under a bright yellow sun shining in the blue, blue sky. I feel *good*. I’m high on life! And weed! Whoah! Get back!
I just saw an “Atomic Wedgie”. This is something you can never unsee. Ironically, I now have nothing but wide-eyed respect for Mr. Not Enough Pink. And jealousy for his Malcom-like muscular butt.
Semimembranosus. They keep bringing it up. I feel like the ending credits are going to roll to a song explaining how to remember what it means and how to spell it. I’m currently ignorant of both. I know it’s like, a muscle or muscle group or tendon. Jesus, I’m going to make the worst personal trainer. At least I won’t bring Vagesil into the conversation.
“You stay here with the Santa Fe Zombie Boys Choir, I’ll be right back.”
Sergio Leone guested on direction for a moment… That was good. Jack Black should take notes.
“Would you shut the fuck up?”– Said to a cage full of zombies. Who do so. It works. Somehow.
Once again, we’re resorting to wrestling to resolve our conflicts.
“Say uncle, motherfucker!”
“Uncle”
(Snap neck)
“Did he say it?”
“He just never understood the tiny hermaphrodites of the art.”
“Zombies Adjacent”
HAAAAA!!!! Did NOT see that coming!!
Didn’t see that coming either, and I don’t think it was as funny. There’s nothing funny about zombie penis. Yuck.
Good ending, although done before.
Crap. Back in the trailer. I’d forgotten about this part. Thankfully.
I will say I’m looking forward to the sequel.
————End Transmission——————–
Introduction
Introduction
Thoughts going into it: Dude. Disaster. A couple nights ago I fell asleep on the couch. I was having a dream about being chased by zombies through an old office building. As I ran through a dark lobby, I heard an elevator door ding; I turned and there was a middle age zombie lady in a grey pantsuit reaching and stepping out for me.
I had some sort of melee weapon in my hands, but instead I took one long stride towards her, and then lashed out with a stomp-kick into the dead center of her sternum and launched her back into the closing elevator. It was fucking awesome.
In reality though, I threw that same vicious stomp-kick (while lying on the couch) and connected with the table, which I almost knocked over; everything fell off of it. Including *two* dab rigs. One of them being my really nice FreezePipe Klien Recycler. Almost $500 in glass, broken, in a second while I was asleep.
I woke up to the sounds of crashing bongs (“You should never throw a bong, kid. EVER.”) and glass containers rolling around and my wife saying something like “Jesus Christ, WTF?” So I broke both of our primary pieces.
We had another mini-rig in reserve, like her MJ Arsenal minis, that was our very first and had a crack in it, so we used it for a couple days until I don’t remember what we were watching, but right as a character said “Satan” the dab rig completed it’s cracking and fell apart.
So that’s 3 dab rigs down in the course of 2 or 3 days. We’re left with what we refer to as “The Science Experiment”, this huge mutant robot looking heavy glass cylinder that you could beat a muskrat to death with. I have managed (so far) not to break that one, and thankfully my wife was smart enough to do 2 day shipping on her MJ Arsenal replacements.
I ordered another recycler, as well as a basic glass ice-cube bong, but I didn’t think about shipping so they’re out there in the nethers as I wait. I think they went from Vegas to Los Angeles and now they’re up in Washington. Makes no fucking sense to me.
But I have a good functional piece here, as well as some good oils, so we’re strapped into this cup of coffee and locking down for a review. The Manson Brothers Midnight Zombie Massacre. “After being relegated, the two fighting brothers signed up for a new game. But they didn’t know that they need to stay in an arena to fight zombies.”
Relegated. That’s a strange word to use there. I feel like they meant to write “retired” or something else and then got spell-checked. But these dudes have been relegated (Regulators! Move out!) and I hope the movie explains what they mean by that. The pic I got to work with is of a bearded dude with a shaved head and tattoos looking kinda worried as he stands in front of what could be a greyhound bus sized ice cream truck.
There’s really nothing to make me think it’s an ice cream truck except a big window that looks like it slides. When Amazon gives me so little to go on, I gotta extrapolate as much as possible in this section. I can tell you that the dude doesn’t look like a real fighter. His ears are normal and his nose looks original.
And we know there’s two of them, and I guess they’re going to fight zombies in an arena. It feels like an updated Running Man, where everything has been changed except the basic premise of the champions of the masses being forced to fight for their lives against impossible odds in an environment horrifically stacked against them.
Now here’s where shit gets interesting. (Oh, yeah, they’re also the Manson brothers, which makes no sense, ‘cause Charlie was a little pint sized single serving of crazy, sort of like Tom Cruise or Joe Rogan. This guy looks like he eats cow sandwiches.) Uh, the interesting… oh! There’s seriously 4.5 stars for this movie. 81 reviewers. 4.5 stars. I really don’t know what to expect. I’m hoping for a gem. I feel there’s the potential. I’m gonna drink more coffee, get my smoke on, (while trying desperately not to break anything) and then we’ll dive in.
Manson Brothers Midnight Zombie Massacre. Sounds like it should be an album name, right? Marylyn, it’s time to give up the name and act like the bloated old guy that you are. You never had what it took to be Alice Cooper, and you haven’t aged anywhere as gracefully as he has. You know who else hasn’t aged well? Rob Zombie. Pains me to say it. But it’s like watching Owen Wilson playing a Kung Fu hippie on stage who occasionally bellows “HELLLLLL YEAH!” into the microphone.
Unfortunately, he does this while sitting on a stage monitor ‘cause he’s gassed from doing kung fu kicks. MBMZM I kinda like the acronym. The name is too cute though. This better be a gem or the name becomes the concrete liability dragging you down into the depths of bad movie mistakes. Like gangsters drowning a rival. Or pirates. Drowning… a rival. Pirate.