Plaguers
Overall Recommendation
Recommendation?
So, I can’t remember what I wanted- good acting and bad gore, or bad acting and good gore, but I think it was the second because that’s definitely what I got. Horrible acting (for the most part! There is some talent here!), ridiculous special effects, a script that feels like it was beaten with the heel of a shoe and then against a concrete wall until everything was dented and broken, dialogue that seriously made me angry that it was allowed, and then, under the silliest and most peculiar of circumstances, we have literally the best face-eating scene I’ve ever seen in my life. And this comes after a pretty spectacular disembowelment, plus a whole host of other really gross and well done zombie prosthetics and such. Now, the lumbering 1950’s rubber-suit clown that closed the show? Dumb. And the fake welding? Dumber. The whole “The glowing green marble is evil incarnate!” concept is… I mean, they focused on that one idea and then looked at Aliens to fill in any gaps. I will admit that they did so up front and willingly, like a first date who flirts over the first shot that she’s down for sex afterwards, but over the third shot giggles something about a “little std thingy that won’t matter this time!” leaving you pretty much ready to kill yourself no matter what the decision. This, overall, is a colossal wreckage of bad. But everything bad about it, like the purple mini-skirts with the huge sparkling silver platform go-go boots… Everything bad was done with the wide-eyed innocence portrayed in The Police’s “Don’t Stand So Close”, and with a poker face that tells nothing but hints at everything and anything, if you want it to. This is a really shit movie that’s got some shining diamond moments blenderized in with the cliches and fodder. I liked this movie. I can’t say why or how. I keep leaning towards comparing it to women. I can’t explain that either. But that one scene of her face being chewed off… It’s worth watching just for that.
Plot Autopsy
Plot Autopsy
- The ship has a new Capitan and a distress call to answer! There is tension in the crew.
- 7 attractive women in purple mini-dresses and silver glitter go-go boots need a ride.
- The grape-crew get violent and take over the ship. Sadie really really likes being on camera.
- There’s all this zombie shit going on, but the Sadie character won’t stop hamming it up.
- So much recycled filler, so many horribly-lurched through scenes that make porn look like acting.
- Something gets shot and something else gets burned and in the end earth is still doomed.
Zombie Description
Zombie Description
All I can really say is that these zombies were created from a great green glowing marble, and they start off with claws, fangs, red, and contact lenses, and then quickly begin leveling up on the “Demon Zombie”* scale, the Asterix to note that these are actually not proven to be occult related at all, but rather, people infected from the marble. Now, the origin of the marble is Thanos. So… The biggest two things are that they do continue mutating, so by the end of the movie they look like if midget Ents were born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and then heavily abused steroids all their lives.
Where the money went
Where the money went
The money went into the special effects, and unfortunately, a whole lot appears to have been spent on “swollen demonic mutant figure” suits than anything else in the budget, and you can tell that they knew they sucked, ‘cause they used them so sparingly. The red, the contacts, the ripping skin… all the zombie special effects were wonderful. Then they tried to add a spice and fucked up and added way too much of a different canister and now my punk ass is running to the store at 9pm to get my wife a potato(e) to leech some of the bite out of the flavor. True story. And it works. At least with one spice. I think it’s a spice. Is salt a spice? Or is it just a mineral?
Best Weapon
Best Weapon
Shooting revolvers inside a space-ship may be my favorite weapon here. I mean, kudos to the attempt to make a glowing green marble frightening, but that was just silly. Sort of like ripping off everything about Aliens that wasn’t bolted down, and shooting a whole space-ship in a weird wavy room walled entirely out of either cardboard or plywood; I honestly couldn’t tell which. But I expected an Oompa-Loompa at any point. Now, if we want to look on the flip-side of the ying-yang coin, we could also consider awarding “Worst Weapon”. Maybe these reviews would be better if I did. But I gotta say it. The fake welding sucked. Welders know that if they just finished working on something, it’s gonna be hot for a while. They would NOT pat the weld re-assuringly with a bare hand 15 seconds after… And then fighting the zombies? With fake welders? And fake CGI steam? Embarrassing.
Can I get a hand?
Can I get a hand?
No, but we *will* outfit you with 8 inch long prosthetic fingers that no-way you attempt to move your hands, leaves you looking like Edward Scissorhands with epilepsy whenever you try to hold anything. This really was more of Alien inspired fan fiction (with zombies) than anything else. Not much nodding to old zombie movies. Too busy being weird.
That was new!
That was new!
Something about the zombie putting it’s scalp/skull section back on felt new to me, although I’ve seen it in plenty of other movies, just usually they do the entire head. I’m not sure I’ve seen zombie on the half-shell that then re-connected. Also, the special effect of the woman having her face eaten was amazing. I’ve never seen anything like it before. It was great.
Review Notes
Review Notes
Rockaway pictures? As in Rockaway Beach? As in, The Ramones? You are calling out a caliber of rarity that I doubt you know the correct three chords for. Gabba Gabba.
We open with… clawed clawing hands trying to get through a space-door. It’s obviously a space-door. So obviously.
And, depending on your perspective, a blonde in green is either in a lot of pain or really wants to show you her butt.
Or wait, is she puking?
Shit! The zombies are chasing her!
Roll title, then paint it green, motherfuckers!
Zibolis. That’s a name.
Original techno music that doesn’t over-reach. Terry Hudd? Ok.
I’m not that psyched at all the Sykes in this movie.
8 hours ago… in a bad computer graphic far, far away…
I love the color blue there, it’s just not realistic.
Filmed in SHADOW-VISION!!
Is this the same woman?
Fondling a… is that a casket?
A couple other characters.
A distress signal!! Woo-Hoo!! 30,000 clicks… I mean, kilometers… “Southeast”. As if south fucking east is a direction in space. I… I need to inflict bodily harm on who- or whom?- wrote that line. Whichever is correct. But seriously… space is at minimum a three axis coordination system, who knows what they’ll decide to use in real future? I mean, humans built Three on The Tree and then complained endlessly about it, so… We’ll describe special coordinates in colors and flavor-smells, I bet.
A big, green, glowing marble. Ok. The cat has started glitching already. Remember I wrote about almost shooting my buddy in the head with a marble? Well, those are 3/8 inch marbles, made specifically for slingshots. But I also bought some .75 caliber glow-in-the-dark marbles, and when we were out camping, I shone a light onto a marble until it was glowing, then shot it at an extreme angle of “Up”, and it came down about 20 feet from our camp, and we were able to go run and my wife found it. How cool is that? How cool is that going to be with a couple grams of mushrooms out in the desert sand dunes in the middle of the night? Note to self. Bring some of the emergency glow-sticks for that night.
Ok, two janitors using rock paper scissors to decide who does the work when you’re both drinking.
They don’t know much about the big glowing marble.
They are lazy and she is SHRILL.
Like, she starts talking and kids are all diving under their desks and shit thinking it’s a bombing raid drill.
Thanatos. That’s the name of the green marble.
Evidently the guy in the casket was the Capitan of the ship, then died (hence the casket) and now she’s running things.
And drunken surly janitors are giving her the elbow brush/check. And she’s not kicking ass. She shall not remain the Cap-I-Tan. I decree it.
I was going to say that Ridley Scott should get credit for their set, since it’s obviously an Aliens rip-off, but then a door opened and I think that Bishop actor guy is here, in this movie! WTF? Oh! No! I just checked and he was in Lifeforce, which will forever remain one of my favorite movies, if for no reason other than the sentimentality understandable felt when it’s shared that I found that movie at something like 13… It was a god-send. I’m willing to go up for three days for worshipping a false idol in this instance. Happily.
Oh! Their ship is called the Pandora. Wow. That’s DEEP.
Is this an all-vampire production? Why are there no lights?
K-I-S-S-I…
A cheeseburger? You’re my kind of woman, but I think you’re just…
Now we have the distress call… of pointlessness and screaming.
I hate both blonde women in this movie.
I think I hate the space-ship driver, too.
I know I hate their CGI person.
I think they just made an Alien reference. Yeah.
That other ship looks like a butt-plug, or a really expensive lamp, or some kind of hipster macarena.
But the green marble is going haywire!
Everyone is shaking around unconvincingly.
So… something bad happened. The ship was fighting the pilot.
A-ha! The green marble has broken and it’s releasing green gas. Which is all completely top notch CGI.
Now we’re playing flashlight tag in the plywood forest. Yes. This is what I wanted when I typed in “Space Zombies”.
“The electrical unit is trashed. Looks like someone ripped it out.” Once again, I must call you out for oversimplifying things. I would imagine that a space ship has multiple “Electrical units”. Like how you’re riddled with “Ineffectual Idiots”.
Creepiest thumbs up I’ve ever seen.
And now Amazon tells me the rating, and why it got it? 15 minutes in?
They glued a bunch of old green circuit boards to the wall.
(Into the radio) “Are you guys seeing this?”
(Reply) “We’re with you.”
(Retort) “Bullshit. If you were with me you’d be shitting your undies.”
“I don’t know what you guys heard on the radio, but there is nobody on this ship. There’s something here!” Not the most concise of guys. Or accurate.
Guy is being told to get back to the ship and he’s opening broom closets.
Riley, get back on the back wall and out of…
What the fuck? A woman in purple just jumped on him, squirmed around a bit, then retreated off to cower against the wall.
Oh, the drunkenly sullen janitor.
A whistle, and a second woman appears.
These guys are practiced at luring children into vans under the guise of helping to find kittens and free candy.
Two more women appear. All attractive, all in purple, all doing a bad job pretending to be frightened. Which is what I *think* they’re doing.
So, now they’re all in the big ugly ship, and it’s the future and no-where close to earth, yet they still serve mashed potatoes in the ship cafeteria. Gotcha. Yeah. Hashtag-Imagination.
I really think that guy from… Lifeforce is the android character here.
A disruption? A magnetic field? Whiney whiney whiney. High-pitched screeching, like a bat echo-locating…
“We spent 20 hours up there.” Up, as in, up in space. Since this woman cannot remember that she’s in a space movie where the axis… forget about it.
I hate the Capitan lady. Even if she DOES do a pretty good Jodie Foster.
Buncha women sleeping. Fucking janitor creeps watching. Rating. Rock paper scissors for who gets to approach the most attractive woman first. These guys deserve blending. Literally.
The Capitan doesn’t trust the space-nurses.
Oh. Here comes a woman. Just as he’s making love to his bottle.
“Got it from a trader out by the colonies.” That’s the only place to find alcohol in space? You already have the fucking potatoes! Now find someone Irish!
Shit, there’s women popping up left and right.
And sneaking around in the ever-present motherfucking SHADOWS.
The… Android? Is doing the best job acting so far.
And the janitor is down by the space marble until another woman shows up.
Whoah! Making out just like that! Space-Horny!
One crew-blonde tied up, the android? Down on the floor… alarms going off
But all the guys are too busy kissing the women.
Oh, shit. The janitor took a bottle to the head, the driver got stabbed through the head…
Downstairs, the kissing turns to shoving and the woman cracks her head on the green marble, which then starts hissing green shit at her.
Oh, I guess the pilot wasn’t supposed to be killed.
We got all sorts of bad mutations going on with the woman who got sprayed in green.
She jumps up, she’s a monster-zombie-thing, he stabs her in the head. Ok, looks like crisis solved.
Sadie. She’s the crazy one. “Sadie G, she’s crazy see, that’s what the whitecoats said…” Whoah, my pit just farted the fart of all farts. I’m not even angry. I’m almost impressed. But the above Alkaline Trio may be butchered, but is done so lovingly. Sadie was one of Manson’s followers.
They still use revolvers in space.
A lot of quiet walking, then we’re in the green marble room.
Not bad zombie, not bad fake gunshot.
Stop this attempt at making us think you’re in space.
A lot of staring and bad dialogue.
And Sadie. Lots of Sadie.
So, bringing two unarmed and beaten people down into the basement to look for a zombie is going to accomplish what, exactly? Except produce more zombies?
Back in the casket room.
And now not only is green gloop dripping down on the casket, but the crew is now letting on that there’s something sneaky(ier) afoot and that the old Captain was killed under… mysterious circumstances.
Oh, wait! That’s the zombie!
A really fucking good neck-eating.
Uh… Sadie stabbed the capitan? Are they not taking this one dimensionality a bit too far?
Bishop clocked her!
Ok, bad dialogue turned into a bad fight. Set to bad music.
You know, I’ve been wondering if that man-looking woman could be a wrestler trying to break into acting.
Bishop just chopped a head in half.
These zombies can climb ladders.
Yeah, the big reveal that he’s an android had a budget of 37 cents worth of spliced wire and a shirt ripping allowance of one shirt to rip.
I find myself yawning, contemplating my hand, and marveling at how short my thumb is now. They’ve both been broken. I think the left thumb is right thumb is shorter than the left. I keep imagining a package of cookies in my lap. I had a hard time figuring out left and right above. I got it wrong twice before I got it right. I wish I’d bought grapes earlier today.
Digital space-shit.
Sadie, I’m so fucking tired of you.
Oh… the zombie just picked up her upper head, put it on like a hat, got it arranged right, and now… it looks like she has stiches over the cut.
Talking talking talking talking.
Thanatos. “Than·a·tos [ˈTHanətōs] NOUN (in Freudian theory) the death instinct. Often contrasted with Eros.”
Worst movie shot ever. The one of them in the window, with earth as backdrop to their reflections. Worst ever.
Now we have zombie weirdness and special effects all over the guy’s face.
Ahh! An “Arming ourselves” montage. Good stuff. Usually. This one is particularly low-key.
“You ever do any welding before?”
“Usually I’m cutting things open, not sealing them up.”
Ok, those were swimming goggles, and they could have used an actual fire. It’s bullshit that they didn’t.
And they’re in sudden danger of running out of oxygen?
Downstairs, the zombies are acting like overenthusiastically fawning idiots on their first day of an improv camp
Erryone all tooled up.
Why not spike that zombie when it’s up at the top of the ladder? Why not lure it back up the ladder? For god’s idiot’s own’s sake, why just climb down the ladder? See? Now you gotta fight one inside the equivalent of a refrigerator.
Well, since… uh… I forgot what I was going to say.
Not a single thing was welded there. As my adage, “If you don’t need it and can’t do it right, don’t half-ass and embarrass yourself.” applies, they just half-assed and embarrassed themselves with the welding. You can’t pat it when you just welded it. Metal retains heat. Even if you’re in a purple mini-skirt without welding gloves.
Android? Synthoid? Who gives a shit? Unless one of them is trademarked.
How many times can you kill the same zombie?
And now green glow is coming out of the computer screens.
Doing a whole shit-ton of fake welding seems stupid. Everyone knows the barriers in Aliens didn’t hold.
Uhh… Running… Sadie wants to abandon the rest of the crew…
More embarrassing fake welding shit.
That guy had red all over him. Are we supposed to know who he is or was?
I have no idea what is going on. I mean, I know the logical conclusion to a horror movie, and this one is kinda like sorta pretending to be trying to be that, but…
This Freddy Kruger looking idiot is…
Now the zombies are doing haunting ballet?
Ted talks? A character still referenced Ted talks, as if that and mashed potatoes are the only constants remaining of humanity.
I think that guy is a soap opera actor. He has all the clichéd mannerisms.
Sadie does not seem to be the type of person I’d be comfortable locking myself into a escape pod with.
Yeah, she’s a bad person to be trusting with.
Wait… I thought the Captain had already mutated and run around and shit?
Why they showing the glowing marble *again*? We get it.
A ventilation shaft.
“Whoah, time out! You expect us to stay here while you go on a suicide mission?”
Yeah. Zombies scratch at walls and shit. That’s a thing they do.
An hour, you say? And then a slow sleep? Ok.
A-HA!! The Captain was crushed by Thanos’s crate. That’s the big reveal.
I… literally have no idea what she means by that comparison.
And then he was like, I’m gonna go this way, and then this arm came down and got grabby…
Our fake welders are on the prowl…
He’s fighting the red man… well, losing, really.
And Sadie drops a weak joke and runs for it.
There is so much red in this disembowelment. More red than I’ve seen before.
Now the two former enemies must join forces to overcome their common foes!
These prosthetics are amazing, but it’s not what I would have gone with.
Bishop is at the green marble.
Bishop is caressing the green marble.
Bishop appears transfixed by the green marble.
That was the best face-eat I’ve ever seen. The fucking best. Wow. Mind blown.
Bishop has turned into bad-bishop.
And all the zombies are up and angry again.
Bishop does a good malfunction, and then some mumbling about a locker key.
All the zombies are attacking Bishop.
The last purple just stabbed the Capitan, and then Sadie Zombie grabbed her and hauled her into the escape pod and killed her.
Back at the intro, with the zombies breaking in and the Capitan is showing us her butt.
This… Final Monster thing is idiotic. I can’t believe they spend that much money on something that stupid and poorly executed.
Seriously. Throwing a Lego space-ship at a wall while filming in slow motion would have been more realistic than that explosion.
Oh no! The glowing green marble is in the escape pod with her!! Oh no!!
They’se gonna make a crater!
————End Transmission——————–
Introduction
Introduction
Fuck, I’m addicted to spending money. I don’t even have a job. Isn’t it funny? I interviewed for a school director position that Indeed asked me to apply to, and the person on the other end of the phone had the worst American accent I have ever heard. The questions were like punted coconuts to the crotch, too.
I was asked how much experience I had setting policy and the whatnot in an institution, and although I’ve often been in leadership positions, I’ve never been “theoretical management”, meaning, the people who sit around all day with no real responsibilities and brainstorm ways to help the organization improve, which more often than not is either literally practically impossible- yes, that does make sense, if you read “practically” as “in practice”, which you should. Since, you know, it’s the fucking literal meaning of the word.
Sounds professional, or at least not like the rantings of a man with his own quarter pound of mushrooms? Yes. Harvest has come, and although I suck at labelling and the such- ‘cause I can’t figure out what strain I raised- I still grew 565 grams of wet and then dried it down to something that we’re still trying to determine.
I ran the fuckers in the jerky-maker for four hours, then left it running on half temperature for another, what, 8 hours as I went to the gym, then drove down a few towns over and back, stopping only to pick up some bead-locks for the new van, and once to sprint into a truck-stop at full clench, locking myself in the bathroom for 20 ungraceful minutes.
I really hope it wasn’t a reaction to the small bit of mushrooms I’d been nibbling while harvesting earlier in the day. I tell you what though, the sunset was SPECTACULAR. And driving was just a bit distracted. It’s no-where like when I went on an almost week-long mushroom bender.
Forgive me if I repeat myself, but I’d picked up a hitchhiker I knew from a couple years back in high school, and he acted really quiet and twitchy as I drove him into town. He got out of the car, closed the door, and took a step before spinning back to the half-open window and asking “Doyoulikeshrooms?” and when I affirmed that yes, I did, he tossed a baggie the size and weight of a couple plantains onto the passenger seat and then disappeared.
I don’t mean literally, like an assassin or wizard or ninja or any combination of the three, but more like: I was stuck staring at and then gleefully pawing through the bag, confirming that no, it wasn’t weed, but actually a really fucking big bag of mushrooms.
So I ate a couple, to try them, and went home to have dinner with the folks. After dinner, which with I was quite quiet through, I ate a couple more and played video-games or something until I fell asleep. In the morning, I ate a couple more before heading down to breakfast. And that went on for 5 days. The craziest thing I *remember* doing is driving on the highway, on my way down to Northampton to see my girlfriend, and deciding that I wanted more mushrooms. NOW.
So I steered my car onto the center median grass, stomped my foot on the parking break, and began rooting through the backpack on the passenger seat for the baggie. I skidded from 70-ish mph to a full stop without looking out my windshield in the least. The car ended up sideways, perpendicular to the highway. There was a cloud of dust settling as I ate a couple more mushrooms out of the baggie, restarted the car, put the baggie into the console and the car into drive and I was off!
To get to my girlfriend’s house before she got home, so I ended up talking to her absolute psychopath of a father for a half hour as he pulls out a road-map of our state, points to a squiggly red line through a small black dot with writing looking squiggles next to it, right beside some really nice blue, tells me that’s where his daughter’s campus is, where’s mine?
Shit looked like Snakes and Ladders to me. I was amazed that we’d collectively taken the time to establish such an intricate roads system when maybe some sort of hexagonal grid overlay would have been more efficient? This guy was a history nut to the degree he’d had a “colonial” dining room with no lights and just candles and hardwood. Dude grew up fantasizing about being a pilgrim.
He, so far, has also been the only person responsible for me being introduced to automatic weapons fire, which found me clawing at the underside of a log, trying to get away from the rhythmic concussive force battering down at me from the guy next to me’s PPSH41, which is Russian for “I’m going to stomp on your sternum 6 times a second”.
I think it was after the map incident that I decided to slow down on the mushroom intake. That, and I ran out of mushrooms to eat. Which really has been the state of my life up until yesterday. Mushrooms came around once in a while in high school, I had a slightly older buddy who grew them and had me drink a Snapple of Mushroom Tea while being driven around all night- to see if they worked. They did. I consume, Guinea-Pig am I.
Mushrooms came around a bit more often in undergrad, but it was still a “Hey, there’s mushrooms? Who’s got mushrooms? Let’s go get MUSHROOMS!!” sort of dearth to the market, and by the time Grad School came around, mushrooms weren’t really in the picture at all, since weed was being legalized and I was running purchases down from Washington until Oregon legalized it too.
My brother decided to get married, my brother-in-law gave me some mushrooms at the ceremony, I remembered how amazing they are when you’re outside late at night, or swimming, or playing frisbee…
So I started learning to grow them. It’s been about 6 months now, a brutal learning curve filled with loss and green mold and more loss, but a mentor found me and as I said, I now am looking at a quart jar full of potential Ego-death. What does that mean? What does that mean for the rest of you?
You kill your Ego, that leaves your Id and your Super-Ego, still. And now they got no tie-breaker. That’s why I say listen to your heart, head, and stomach. No way 2 out of 3 them gonna steer you bad. In the end though, I did not even get the first mushroom. My adventure dog ate it. I dropped it, she ate it.
That’s pretty much the universal truth and love between dogs and humans, so why should it be any different with psychedelic drugs? For that matter though, there are some things that don’t change, like projectile safety. No, I didn’t say Gun Safety. Something that I am fanatical about and still remain able to have fun shooting guns like a testosterone-snorting jackass.
But I almost shot my best friend in the head with a slingshot a couple days ago. We were out camping, wheeling a bit… Next thing you know I’ve AD’d my slingshot right at his head. Thank god there was a big box thing in the way. It’s like when he and I were shooting the bb gun and a ricochet hit his back windshield but didn’t break it.
I have a good relationship with glass, I guess it’s safe to say. Quite enamored with metals, and the woods will always have a special place in my building heart, but glass… Glass is like that beautiful lady that you’re too afraid to speak to. Glass is sneezing in someone’s face. Glass is the moment between a child falling down and their decision to begin raging at the injustice of it all.
I’ve always looked at glass like magic, and I think it feels and understands. Glass is a liquid! The slowest moving liquid on earth, I think, but… In an old house, where the windows are all warped? The glass is melting. Given enough time it will literally melt until a hole forms.
I want more coffee. I want to eat mushrooms. Between the beginning of writing this (9:08pm) and now (10:57pm) I’ve been drying the mushrooms out further. Turns out there was still another two ounces of water in the jar. I opened it to check on the mushrooms, and it was pressurized! And a bad smell! And then the regular mushroom smell.
So I grabbed a thick cap and gave it a squeeze, and sure enough, it was a bit moist. I don’t know how a desiccant pack can fall asleep at the switch or miss the assignment, but it obviously wasn’t up to the job, as my psychedelics were in a tad bit of danger. Back into the drier for 2 more hours! I haven’t even eaten any and the amount is still shrinking. I guess that’s sort of the score for drugs tho. Fortunately, we’ve got a couple other tubs in fruit as I type, so I’ll have more to harvest in about a week or so.
I think there’s a market for glow-in-the-dark slingshots for raves and stuff. And glow in the dark helmets, for safety and fashion. There’s evidently this new movie about how an alien lands on an alternate earth where humans, zombies, and vampires all kinda live in harmony, and then an alien presence appears, and the three groups begin tearing each other apart in a Life of Brian type way or something, and then the alien announces itself and calls us all idiots.
I don’t think I have the gas to take something like that on tonight. I’m not sure what I’m in the mood for. I think I want… bad acting and good gore. Whatever the fuck that means. Plaguers. That’s what I got for a first sheet pick when I typed in “Space Zombies”. “When a band of space pirates hijack a fuel-transport vessel bound for Earth, an alien virus known only as “Thanatos” is accidentally released. The contagion mutates its victims, transforming them one after another into ravenous, demonic creatures. Pirates and crew must join together to destroy the undead PLAGUERS as the ship nears Earth, threatening to infect the entire planet.
This… is going to be an epic shit-show. I only wish I had cookies to eat. And I’ll say this. They have a drawing of an alien monster as their video cover. His hands are all claw-y and he’s reaching out like “Argh! I’m a space monster! And I’m going to eat you!”