Redcon-1
Overall Recommendation
Recommendation?
What a pompous, overblown piece of shit. In regards to what this movie is actually about, there’s 7 different side plots and a couple side quests, but first you have to find the NPC. He will be found at one of four locations. You have X amount of time, and we’re going to keep reminding you like in the different stages of a videogame. Meanwhile, as we muddle our way through all that superfluous crap, we have the crux of the movie, which is the soldiers can’t get along and don’t trust each other and are generally pieces of shit. This movie is 2 hours of people who could be working together getting into fist fights, and people who have been bitten getting carried all over the place until they’re comfortable enough to shoot themselves. The amount of suicide flirted with here is a bit much. This suffered from aiming way too high. This aimed to be an epic, this tried to be a Film, this added a bit of everything from the larder into the cookpot, yet with no thought to the spices. It is guilty of assuming that we give a shit, and of treating us like a captive audience. It’s bad enough that in places, if you know how long it really is, you’ll find yourself wanting to turn it off. It’s just so fucking redundant. Same shit over and over, with a slowly reducing cast. Which makes the sad truth that these were some awesome zombies trivial and distant, since what’s the use in watching a zombie movie with awesome zombies if the plot will have you banging your head on the table before the first 1/3 is over?
Plot Autopsy
Plot Autopsy
- The world has gone to zombie shit. The zombies are scary. The zombies are awesome.
- Some general gives a briefing in a parking garage and then it’s time for boats.
- Uh… I think everyone gets in a gun-pointing fight over the big guy getting bit?
- And there’s so much martial arts fighting against zombies, who line up and patiently wait their turn to attack.
- We keep meeting new groups of people, including a bunch of Kiss poseurs?
- All the army guys fight each other and then fight each other a different way over a different thing.
- All the army guys talk a lot and then fight each other over a different thing than before.
- Big showdown on a bridge or something that takes way too long- like this movie- and leaves you not caring. Like this movie.
Zombie Description
Zombie Description
Man, I really feel like I should know more about the hows and whys of the zombies, since I think they talked about it constantly at some point, but see… I didn’t ever really care enough to pay attention. I *think* the doctor scientist guy was doing genetic research on prisoners for the military? And he found someone that was immune to the zombie virus? And then there was a riot, so he let the guy escape? But then, he… got bit by a woman, who then got shot, who then revived in the ambulance, and also happened to be the Capitan’s wife? So, like, if you get infected, it’s anywhere from 30 minutes to 6 hours, and then… you still potentially regain the ability to learn? And shoot guns? And have kinky gimp mask sex?
Where the money went
Where the money went
The money went to hiring a bunch of what- wrestlers? MMA fighters? Based more on each of them having an individualistic look and interesting fighting style than anything resembling acting ability. And then they bought a bunch of wrecked cars and spray paint and graffitied the fuck out of everything. Then they shot half the movie in slow motion hand to hand combat, and the other half in long pointless conversations… I liked the little girl. She could be the next Newt. But the rest of this? What the fuck? What a waste of time. And money.
Best Weapon
Best Weapon
This movie had so many different weapons, since everyone had to have an individualistic weapon to match the rest of their affect, so I’m flipping all these martial arts weaponry the bird and giving the award to the shoe that the little girl beats the zombie with. I’ve seen axes, and samurai swords, and chainsaws, and and and… This movie was one long experience in box-checking. But even then, such wildly diverse everything made nothing special. Except a little girl and her shoe.
Can I get a hand?
Can I get a hand?
This movie might have just won the “Most hands ever” in a movie. There’s multiple sets that are decorated with table-tops full of hands, and hands stapled to wire mesh, and zombies chewing on hands… and then there’s some really good “blood hand slapping the window” but in this instance, it’s a zombie little boy trying to get at his father, so it’s even better. Not as scary, but more nuanced. There’s hands scattered all over the place, but since this is a chemically induced zombie-ism, there’s no rising from the graves or anything like that. But there *are* hands all over the place.
That was new!
That was new!
Soooo… Kinky sex zombies are new. And unwarranted.
Review Notes
Review Notes
Well, the start off on the Stupid Foot. There’s a prison that’s trying to “Maintain” their riot. Not “Contain”, but “Maintain”. Evidently, it’s a group effort and everyone is putting their best, most cooperative foot forward. Except for the writer of this Duke, who started drinking at 11am and writing at 2pm.
Some guy escaped! And he’s… get this- Dangerous!
Oh, that’s a lot of red. Some type of medical room.
An ambulance!
They lost her.
ZOMBIE!! And holy shit, it’s GOOD!!
Some General is documenting the outbreak.
Great footage of riots and bloodshed and combat.
Santa-zombie.
Title.
General Smith.
Some kind of briefing about the prison riot.
Their captain’s wife?
A quarantined zone.
In 72 hours, they’re gonna wipe it clean.
30 minutes to 6 hours.
Dr. Rynes. Or something. He’s either the cause of it, or… not.
Wow. 4 potential places.
Quite the videogame setup.
Boats! A British team and an American team?
“This is about extraction and nothing else!”
“Roger that. No fun of any kind.”
So, ruined England is really well done.
One of the soldiers is carrying a 10-22. My wife and I have a very similar one.
The set here is well done.
Hanging baby-doll. Lots of head-shot corpses.
Some guy crucified up with barbed wire…
A priest! “Poor bastard.”
Oh! Location 1! It’s the FIRST one!
Children zombies!
These are good!
Wow. These soldiers got themselves trapped in the middle of a 4-way intersection. That takes skill AND genius.
I like the guy bashing the zombie head against the wheel.
Lots of leaping and rolling and shit.
They’ve… added… lightning to the CGI of gunfire. There’s both fire, and lightning. Looks silly.
It’s a zombie riot!
Seems dumb for them to be doing all this hand to hand fighting with the zombies.
And they’re overrun. Waste of good ammo.
This is a fucking route. You are incompetent soldiers.
Bringing in an APC?
Day 31? Lab stuff. They’re becoming aware.
Higher level of adrenaline and testosterone.
That zombie kid is good. Like a young Angus Young.
Miranda is a survivor. Like a Ramones song.
Some recording.
“I lost good people over food.”
Locksman Zombie.
Ok, never seen a dead woman lying there with a dead fetus at her feet.
Zombie eating a hand.
Mail zombie throwing letters.
Moving onto location #2!!
Looters and shit.
Survivors begging for help!
And they just ignored them.
“Why didn’t they stop?” Good question, kid. Good question.
BIG puddles of red.
And they have to go to the top floor of the tenement building?
By starting in the basement?
Zombie doing coke!! Whoot!!
And another one dancing- but not on coke.
These are porn-watching zombies.
These… are kinky sex zombies.
Like, that zombie is in restraints and the other one is in a gimp mask. What the fuck?
Now everyone gets their specialized weapon close-up while they kill a zombie with advanced martial arts. It’s… redundant. And silly.
As soon as everyone finishes their close-ups, a guy steps on a landmine?
The hallway blows up?
More zombies show up?
Some people get eaten. Sad music plays.
No, he’s still fighting.
He’s been bitten on his bald head. Leaves a distinctive mark.
Easter-Egg! The End is Fucking Nigh!
Oh, he’s mad that location number TWO isn’t the right place, either.
Haven’t these people ever played Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
Let’s look for an antidote!
It’s the “don’t let me turn” conversation.
And they’re all pulling guns on each other now.
Big dude just shot himself. I mean…
It’s the “why didn’t they stop?” kid again.
There’s gangs with face paint like skulls and stuff! ‘Cause that’s a sure fire sign of the breakdown of authority! Full grown men painting their faces like a Kiss tribute band.
Ok, those scattered brass shells on the pavement? What the fuck is up with the weird clamping and… general beat to shit of them? That’s not at all what fresh brass looks like. It isn’t all jacked up and stomped on like that. Fucking FAIL, people.
The burning buildings are great!
There’s… like, a gang leader who wants the army guys dead.
And one of the army guys likes the guitar music with the Spanish words singing.
Video of the scientist saying that the zombies attack out of fear. I disagree.
The Waif Sisters again.
Oh! It’s the scientist! Raiding a supermarket.
This speech sucks, boss.
Everyone gets their individual goodbye to the gaint’s corpse.
Oh!! We’re moving on to location number THREE!!
“What’s that smell?”
Wow. Big pile of dead kid bodies.
A military convoy!
Looks like none of them want to take cover and avoid battle, boss.
Oh, they all decided to hide in the corpse-pile.
The soldiers are zombies?
They… just took one of the army men.
Jesus, you guys suck at fighting and hiding and everything else.
Oh, shit. The zombies have a big army camp.
The captured army guy found the scientist!
The army guys have disguised some of them selves as zombies in order to… look, it’s a long, simple story that’s been done before.
They found Dr. Rynes!
Whoah! Doc pulled a gun!
Wow! Army lingo!
People aren’t getting along.
Hiding things in each other’s pockets.
The zombie soldiers are ambushing them! Jesus, these guys suck at being military.
Doc makes it to the tank!
Nooooo!! The swords guy got bit!
Little girl hitting zombies with a shoe.
So… everyone has just gone and done their own thing?
He’s lying! They did make it! Man, that guy is a DICK.
Swords is getting the crap kicked out of him.
And now that he’s properly tenderized, they’re eating him.
Little kid is a force of nature.
The general guy hanging out with his zombie kid.
37 hours more to go!
A stranded couple in need.
Scarface has gone full psycho, gunning down civilians.
“Your family would have been ashamed of you.”
Oh, now they fight.
And the skull face gang is watching from the shadows… and the roofs…
Two artery shots? Man, they’re just pumping the red outta this guy.
You guys suck at the fighting a shooting and whatnot.
Why carry the corpse away with you?
And here comes Frankenstein.
A whole table of hands.
Why are you beating up the scientist now?
Oh, they’re fighting again.
“You ran, Frank.”
Everyone on this squad has scars on their face.
And they’re fighting again.
Punch punch punch punch punch punch punch!
Talk talk talk.
The scientist is explaining why things went south.
Oh, she got red in her mouth.
Topless woman handing out pistols. And hard jobs.
No, don’t swap spit with her. You guys suck at staying alive.
Like, the scientist is the cause of the zombie outbreak. Something about genetic research. For the military.
Now Scarface is punching the mirror, and the suicide couple are named and showering.
Little girl needs a hug.
Scarface’s tattoo looks like Sharpie.
Ew! Puke!
They’re all pointing guns at each other again.
And… a third group is shooting at them, too.
I think it’s Frankenstein and his skull-face army.
Van Life!
Smoke grenades!
Obese Hawaiian women gyrating!
I threw out a bunch of red Starburst. Won’t eat those things.
So, they got transport.
Suicide couple is getting fancy dressed, but not cleaning the blood off their faces.
Helicopter don’t look like it can hold all those people.
The scientist gives the captain a book,
“Things are not always what they seem. Remember that.”
A… quintuple cross? Have things really gotten that complicated already?
Scientist is dead.
That’s bad, I think.
Goddamn, everyone is letting the Captain down.
Another cross!
They’re all shooting each other again!
Here come zombies!
Sense of urgency!
Running away!
Dropping Teddy Bears!
Getting bit!
Kicking nads!
Helicopter go bye-bye.
Scarface gets his big death fight scene. WITH GUITARS!!
There’s a zombie with nun chucks.
So, our guy fights with them for a while.
And the gets stabbed in the back.
That’s a good throat-biting-out.
Less than 19 hours!
And, they’re fighting again.
Little girl been bit. Doesn’t look good.
Hiding in a fish store.
Falling asleep. With a little girl that’s going to turn into a zombie.
Zombie little girl!
Oh, she looks bad…
And then I woke up and it was all a dream. Lame.
Shoot her, dude!
And the whiner just got adopted by a woman and two men with skin masks?
What the hell is going on?
Good old XJ!
How can she be your mission when she’s infected?
Oh, it’s Frankenstein and his skull army.
The general just got the big negativo.
Hands all over the wall…
Frankenstein likes to talk.
He’s got two AKs on his back.
I mean, Frankenstein has a good point.
“I like to think I am reasonable man. Shoot the girl or shoot yourself.”
Jesus, we have to make things more interesting?
Going to have the little girl shoot the capitan.
Little girl going to shoot herself?
No, now we’re talking about a locket?
It’s Jimmie’s kid? What the fuck is going on? Who is Jimmy?
The general gonna shoot his own kid?
Yup. Damn. That’s cold.
Frankenstein really loves talking.
“You’re one crazy bastard captain! I love you!”
Now we’re on the beach! No gas, no radio reception, little girl doesn’t give a shit.
Teddy bear to the face!
Dude, she’s gonna start trying to bite your soon. Stop reminiscing about your wife.
Oh, gosh, it looks like her bite is healing.
Fuck, stop asking if you’re in trouble. Gain another dimension.
Looks like the doc knew this all along.
9 hours left. I mean, it fucking sure feels like it.
A RACE!!
More hands everywhere.
A minefield?
Zombies bowing up!
Really? I don’t want to listen to this song.
Little girl can act. That’s for sure.
The general just shot himself up with something…
Doesn’t look like a good thing.
A volunteer nurse.
More talking.
No, it’s not really Genocide. That’s the wrong word.
I’m yawning.
Slow motion Molotov throwing. With classical music arrangement.
A classical music slow motion brawl. Good stuff.
Here come the skull faced bikers. Oh, the humanity.
One of the skull faced gang is in a wheel chair. Never seen that before.
Capitan got bit!
Dude, you’ve been bit. Don’t barricade yourself in a room with the little girl. You’re going to turn into a zombie and eat her.
See? I told you it was a bad idea.
Aww… the zombie remembers the good times with her and isn’t going to kill her.
2 hours!
Talking. Talking. Won’t someone think of the children?
And they’re fighting again.
Nice headbutt!
Talking. Fighting. Talking. Fighting.
Shooting each other again.
Kid, I’d think you’d understand the finality of a headshot. You’re not dumb, are you?
A lone figure walking off into the sandy nothings.
No, wait, he’s back with his wife.
————End Transmission——————–
Introduction
Introduction
I have been medically advised to acquire and consume peanut M&Ms. I am to acquire as many as I need to fully gorge to my heart’s content- ahead of time- and then whenever I want to, I’m supposed to eat them.
It’s called “Harm Reduction” and is a novel idea that my therapist proposed after asking me “Is abstinence working?” and me explaining that yes, it’s worked for two days and then I binge, so the odds are that it’s not working WELL but it does work 2 out of 3 times. So he explains that I just told him I regretted eating a half pound of butterscotch “chocolate chips” and then another half-pound of Starbursts.
This is true, I conceded, and he explained that since peanut M&Ms are healthier for you than either butterscotch or Starbursts, if I have something healthier to binge on when I feel the need to binge, ultimately I’ll be healthier- and thus happier, if I do my binging on something with some nutritional merit.
That’s where the peanuts part of the equation comes in. I explained that I did try this same diversion with frozen fruit, and the net result was that I learned how many frozen blueberries you need to eat to clog a toilet. The look on his face was a strobe-light between confusion and disgust until he got his facial twitching under control.
I told him all his ideas were lovely and contained merit, but they sounded awful fanciful and PG to me when I’m dealing with R-rated problems. I’m an addict- I have had to quit any ingestion of certain substances because I do not have the ability to moderate my consumption.
The math is simple and written in the green squiggles of my DNA. If 1 of something is good, then 3 of it is better and how many can I hold before I go “URK” sideways and take out the podium at the server’s station at a restaurant? That I happen to unfortunately be employed at?
I have not been able to ration alcohol. I drink until I’m down. And twitching. How am I supposed to be successful at rationing my sugar intake? I’m in the gym two hours a day and I’m still gaining weight in ill-fitting pants.
But- I’m supposed to get a big… bucket of Peanut M&Ms. For health reasons. I like this. What I don’t really like is the job interview I have to quit this to go and get ready for. It makes me nervous to the point of needing to poop.
(1/1/2023)
I had difficulty writing 2023 there. I wrote 2003 first, and then looked at it for a second, thinking “That’s kinda used to be right, but there’s something different…” Although, time being a set thing, what’s the point in dates? Except they go great with almond butter?
I’m starting my new religion. Once a week, you must sit down and consume an entire chicken*. No feathers or anything kinky like that; consider a rotisserie chicken and we’re talking. There is nothing else to the religion, except the asterisk of course.
That’s there to say “And this religion does everything all the other ones say that they’re going to do, too.” Like, you want Islam’s 47 virgins (grapes) or Christianity’s clouds and cherubs and harps and wings? Yeah, our religion has those things in the afterlife. Want to compare us against Norse Mythology? We’ve got big temples and fires and snowy crags and vast herds of thundering bison. Whatever the other guys are promising you, we can do that too.
Just eat a chicken once a week and die, and if it’s not exactly like you imagined and we promised, let us know and we’ll make it right. Our symbol is the Wishbone, our temple any place of chicken consumption. Anyone can join at any time by eating a chicken. Nothing in our religion even says that you can’t worship other gods.
We’re very modern that way- we’re like the ethical polygamy movement, love is free and tastes like chicken, spread the good word! Compare us to Catholicism, or Judaism… Holy Shit those guys have a lot of rules!! Chase the Fundamental Catholic cat’s tail full circle and you’ve caught the lion of Islam by the nuts.
Any group of people telling other people how to live is wrong, and that’s where we really shine- we’re the least oppressive of any religion, as well as the best ROI. You don’t have to go to church and inhale stinky smoke while listening to someone drone endlessly in a language you don’t understand. You don’t have to abstain from *anything*, and you don’t even need to mutilate your genitals- unless you want to.
Just eat a chicken once a week. Pick a day. Tuesday? On Tuesday, you live your normal life, but when you sit down to dinner, you eat an entire chicken. Children can eat Cornish game hens. If you think chickens are too cute and cuddly, first off, you don’t know anything about chickens in real life- they’re miserable shit-bags of self-centered hunger that make seagulls look positively altruistic, they’re the farmyard rats who rule by day, they’re the lowest common denominator of putting anything in their mouths to determine if it’s food…
But if you don’t want to eat a chicken every week, you have to eat a chicken-sized fish. And you have to tell yourself while eating it, and tell anyone else knowledgeable to your activities, that you’re eating a chicken. Even if the flesh is fish. Or, like, whatever. WAY more nutritious than those little dry cardboard wafers, too!
New venture idea! The Dog-Holster! No, not a holster to hold your dog in. But one of those dog-backpack things that has a gun holster built into it. Now we’re talking.
(1/4/2023)
So, this whole being off Prozac thing has me feeling sharp, dangerous, fast; I enjoy driving now like I used to, I feel capable of doing something crazy… it’s like the warm fog of wool has been unraveled from me, the cocoon has been rewound back to the loom, I feel faster and more… reckless.
I’m writing this at a different angle and ergonomic position and all that jazz because my knuckles and wrists are a bit jacked up from working on a heavier punching bag than usual, since I killed the last double ended bag.
Literally punched it down. Got it with a great overhand right and then suddenly my following left hook was just… floating… through where the ball *should* have been, but even as my muscle memory throws the punch, my eyes see the ball falling away from me, something shiny glinting at the end of the elastic… I stopped swinging because the target was on the floor. I broke the carabiner that held it up to the ceiling.
Unfortunately, since no-one really uses the things except me, they haven’t fixed it and I don’t think they’re going to. Which is ok. I have everything I need to start Jujitsu. Got me a nice grey Gi and a shiny white belt and I’m ready for broken fingers and I hope I’ll get a broken nose so I can cross that off my bucket list. Want to know another bucket list item that just materialized?
Evidently there’s a seasonal market in Japan where they sell $2000 mangos. I’ve never had a $2000 mango. I’ve eaten so many fresh mangos off the tree in Jamaica that I got vitamin C burns on my lips (or something, I don’t really care to remember the nuances of the slight negative consequence) but boy oh boy did it solve the constipation issue that too many of the local bran muffins caused.
It’s not my fault I get the Munchies like it’s my job. I… I think I want to find employment as “the person who has the munchies”. The van is at the mechanics, where we’re paying a little north of $600 for a tune up; new plugs and coils and wires and loops and whatnots.
And my mechanic is a pretty honest guy who said that it’s 50/50 that the van has a cracked head or block, so this tune up might be in vain, since all the spark in the world can’t replace compression if something cast is broke. The only thing I’m able to hold onto with positivity is that if the van does need a new engine, we’ll have everything necessary to spiff up the donor engine with a tune up before stuffing it in since I’ll just be able to strip everything new off the dead engine. And… all of this is so much fucking easier when you have a shop that doesn’t have mud puddles and cat shit and dead ducklings and huge snails.
Redcon-1 “After a deadly viral outbreak, an elite squad of special force soldiers must infiltrate a quarantine zone to rescue a scientist who holds the only cure to save mankind. In a last attempt to contain the mutated virus, they launch a final strike against the infected, risking all of humanity in the process.” I think… I think someone screwed up that last sentence. If they’re *risking* all of humanity, that means that they have the option of NOT risking all of humanity.
See, that cliché about the one scientist who can save everything once they’re saved… that makes sense, in that it’s a genre trope. The rescue team is risking their lives to save the scientist, but they’re not risking *all of humanity*. I… I think I just have to watch it and hope that it’s not as incompetently constructed as the summary. Also, saying that they’re Elite Special Forces is also saying that they’re redundantly redundant. No shit. So… I have a lot of bones to pick with the summary. Maybe it’s just because I’m off Prozac. I’m ready for hecklelife, baby!! I need baseball.