Zombie Apocalypse
Overall Recommendation
Recommendation?
If you haven’t seen VMFR’s Dawn 1000 times by now, go back and watch that again. It’s a much much better movie with a budget and the ability to look at things from more than a singular perspective. Not saying it’s fucking Shakespeare, but it’s a good two or so hours of quality zombie action. And that’s the important word. Quality. You pay Asylum money, you get Asylum product. Were this the street, Asylum would be the most cut down stepped on thinned out Similac flavored jitter-shit. You’re paying cheap coke prices for crappy speed. Once you become used to it, you think people who want more are high faluight’n. But don’t get me wrong- this is the zombie movie equivalent of high-gravity reserve bum beer. These are discount cheese puffs sold in the huge bag. There is nothing of value here worth investing time of your life into. There will always be something that’s a better use of your time than this movie. However, if you’re a fan of the Asylum and know what you’re getting yourself into, you’re going to enjoy the hell out of it. If you’re expecting another Dawn, get ready for disappointment. I really don’t feel like I just watched an entire movie or wrote a review. I feel like I watched someone’s younger brother play a videogame for an hour or so after getting blindingly high and spacing out through most of it. I’ve got review notes of a movie, but damned if they’re even the least bit interesting. Look. This is a movie where one of the main characters runs around lugging a welding helmet attached to their backpack because the script said so, and no-one pointed out that it’s an impossible thing to find useful in a zombie brawl so let’s just forget that part and skip it. No one took the time to think or talk. Too bad the same thing can’t be said for the Fucking Poet.
Plot Autopsy
Plot Autopsy
- We meet our characters as defined by cliches. Each demonstrates their “one thing”.
- Now we have to run over there and someone dies
- Now we have to run over there and someone dies
- Now we have to run over there and after someone dies, we meet the Archers (No relation)
- Now we have to run over there and someone dies
- We run to where we’re going and zombie tigers are a thing and someone dies
Zombie Description
Zombie Description
Fucking hell, they incorporated a little bit of everything here. I don’t think dead and buried were breaking out, but this was a virus that turned 90% of the population into zombies. That are slowly learning to think. And occasionally mutating. And occasionally infecting animals when it’s convenient to the plot. As for the actual zombies themselves, they varied from really good gory fresh corpses (That one that chases the Waif is a great example of what they CAN do) to cheap ass blue cheek makeup or one piece of a set of prosthetics on one guy and the rest on another. Like, there’s zombies with huge brows running around if you look closely. And they suddenly make one zombie a massive ape-hulk, but… It’s like they put interns in charge of the makeup. When it was good, it was really good. It was good (really good) about 20% of the time. Pretty pathetic about 20% of the time too though. The rest? You could have done better with twice the makeup on half the zombies.
Where the money went
Where the money went
I’ll admit that there were elements of this script that I liked. I could tell someone who liked the genre and thought a bit and probably even read wrote it. But that said, you cannot expect The Asylum to give us a good movie. Ever. And I can point to exactly where, in this movie, I realized that this was not going to be an exception. When Captain America shoots the zombie in the gym, the one wearing the blue shirt- and a huge cloud of blue gushes out of the zombie? What the fuck? How is that even possible with the level of programming required for even semi-realistic CGI? So maybe that’s the sad truth of the matter. It feels like the Asylum has picked themselves up off the floor and figured out what matters, and they’ve put effort into improving in their shortcuts in these areas. CGI gunfire, for example. Used to be atrocious, now it’s just annoyingly bad at times. But when they KNEW it was going to be looked for- the spent brass from the .50, they made sure to CGI it in. And that’s where they’ve gone too far. They have simply out-worked their CGI people and capabilities. Why spend the time and energy with the scene next to the crashed airplane if you can’t get the perspective completely right? Why go through the effort of showing a zombie’s severed limb fly off (through CGI) when you’re gonna fuck up the continuity and show that same zombie from earlier in filming again, with all it’s limbs? Where did the money go? There’s a strict algorithm at The Asylum that could tell you. I bet if you told me how much the director was being paid, I could figure out how to determine the makeup budget. Their shit is so formulaic that the good ideas get lost in the annoyance. They’ve become the new Troma, and I don’t mean that as a compliment.
Best Weapon
Best Weapon
I would love to see this in real life, but a Target-Shopping-Cart-Mounted-Fifty-Caliber-Machine-Gun is sorta the undisputed champ here. Fro tagged some zombie in the head with an ice-skate, and Robin Hood and “his team” took things “Back in time” but there’s just something said to a new take on an old theme. In the weapons vein though, I also want to take the time to publicly flog the repetition of sword cliches. Ever since Micheochan or whatever her name is waved around that Katana it’s been imitated. And you look fucking silly when you’re trying to imitate someone doing something with a partner all by yourself ‘cause they’re gonna CGI in the zombies afterwards. I’m sorry, but her whole character was a rip, and an unconvincing one, too.
Can I get a hand?
Can I get a hand?
There really just wasn’t much opportunity for the old faithful’s here. It was a quick story comprised mostly of disjoined action, and there’s not much homage given to history, tradition, or roots in most Asylum movies. The zombies are almost background noise after a while, so nothing really stands out.
That was new!
That was new!
Uh… It’s an Asylum movie. I can’t believe that I’d ever have something for them in this segment. Oh. Yeah. Filmmakers taking the time to make sure I hear the woman taking a piss. Jeeze, I want to rinse my ears with boiling bleach.
Review Notes
Review Notes
Hmm… I should note that it does appear like I started this, watched 17 seconds, and then turned it off. I haven’t restarted it to find out why yet though.
I’m struggling with procrastination. There is always room for one more hit. Fucking Jello.
Ok. it’s a SyFy Movie
VM2 virus or something, eh? Looks nice and nasty!
So I’ll bring you up to speed. This… woman changed, and bit a lot, and then really good human zombies kept getting interspersed with B/B+ level CGI crap with a calendar that I didn’t pay attention to but was explaining how many dates it took for the virus to get where to what end.
And that is an interesting and neat idea- makes a lot of sense. They used EMPs – Electro Magnetic Pulses – like, setting off a nuke inside a AA battery or something, but it sends out a burst of static or something that fries all computer chips and stuff that’s not hardened- protected.
I liked watching the lights go out. I always do.
Shit. It’s the Asylum. Shit. Well, here we go….
3 survivors wandering down main street. Appears that they recently left their cabin.
Family guy making a racket, Fro making a racket… the Waif is worried.
We have some really bloody zombies. There is red EVERYWHERE.
Uh… just met VMFR, as well as the Katana-Character, who uses some witch technology on her blade to ensure that it’s always clean as so-cal chrome on a ’64.
Like I was saying… a lot of red zombies, and Family Guy is down, but the good guys shoot and bang the shit up out of all the zombies until it’s time for everyone to have done all the cool shit that establishes them as who they are. Like, the katana-character did a bunch of swordy shit. I bet when the actress told her friends that she got a role in a post-apocalyptic zombie movie and that her main weapon was a Japanese sword, everyone either groaned or laughed or laugh groaned or laughed as they groaned inside.
But… Pretty good CGI, lotta fake zombie deaths, but most were pretty good. It’s when they try getting cute that shit looks off. KISS, Asylum, KISS.
Yeah, this is pretty much VMFR leading a bunch of extras from TWD.
She doesn’t know what happens when someone gets bitten?
Yeah. Magic sword look dumb that time.
And no one appears interested in the shotgun?
Who the fuck is Captain America?
Oh! A fucking poet! Wordsworth! Joy! This character is gonna be a blast.
We got 6 survivors at the moment. I know I’ve seen Fro in some other movies; I think he can be really funny in an amped up kinda way. And I feel like I’ve seen Captain America somewhere too, but no idea where. A Crest commercial, maybe.
Shits kinda burney everywhere. People need to be more aware of campfires.
So… they’re following a group of archers. No, not the cartoon. Unfortunately.
Captain America… the cities burning…
A dog? Not a good choice… They turn into zombies too! Or, like, the Resident Evil ones did.
VMFR? Not a dog person? Say it ain’t so!
Some good “destroyed civilization” shots. Yeah, all CGI, but not horrible. Better if they weren’t CGI tho.
Good thing they got an even number of people, ‘cause so far the main rule explained multiple times is that you pee in pairs. Never alone.
I didn’t need the women explaining that all, nor do I need to hear the sounds of tinkles. And not Jazz tinkles. Ick tinkles. If you’re going to fake all the blood and gunfire, next time just fake the pee noises? Like, have a rampaging pack of Howler Monkeys ride by on skateboards banging garbage can lids together. Even *that* would be less obvious than “And now we’re going to insert the sounds of our Katana-Character urinating, since… we’ve all made assumptions about the type of person who chooses Asylum movies.”
Captain America is a bit insecure and instant that people play his version of The Squid Game.
The dog shows up again!
And the Fucking Poet speaks again. Fuck, I hate him!
Man, that dog eats granola bars, he’s the right kinda dog to have around at the moment. I mean, less granola bars for everyone else, but at least he ain’t gonna bite you.
So, these zombies are fast when they just change, but then they get slow as they age. Not the first use, but good.
That “Shambler” looks like any given tweaker on any given corner in Portland these days.
Everything is so CGI, I can’t even tell if they’re really running through that parking lot.
Fuck locks.
“Smelling for zombies.”
“Are there any humans here?”
“Is anything else going to answer?
“Just us Weasels!”
Nice- raiding the sports store for armor and weapons.
So, bikes are a bad idea.
The Fucking Poet is organizing the shoes. And philosophizing.
Zombies can’t figure outdoors.
The waif finds sunlight to profile against… AND shoes!
Zombies coming in!
Did Katana just shit herself?
Well. Uh… Fro just hucked a women’s figure skate and stuck it in a zombie’s skull. That’s a kill, but… Lame?
These zombies like the air horn!
And the survivors stand around holding their ears watching the time they bought slip away…
More smog.
Now that the illuminating sunlight is absent, the waif looks like a heroin addict again. Funny how she cleans up in a shoe closet tho.
I don’t like Captain America’s eyes. They’re like, if a cat’s eye was completely boring and a humans eye.
Why the hell is she cleaning that blade- it NEVER gets dirty.
Everyone In a trailer. Cozy.
The Fucking Poet has spoken a couple lines without totally infuriating me. Finally.
There is nothing more frightening yet heartwarming as VMFR smiling manically while waving spaghetti ingredients at you.
Michigan in the summer? No, I don’t want to know the smell.
Fucking buzzkill, Waif. First rule of Zombie Apocalypse Fight Club is you don’t talk about life before Zombie Apocalypse Fight Club.
“I was stuck behind a soda machine…” Been there, done that. Thank God there were no zombies.
To hear the Fucking Poet tell it, VMFR was found, irate, surrounded by 100 dead zombies. They evidently had killed his horse. I’m glad they didn’t make us listen to that.
They’ve finished their Pasghetti and now it’s time for… Smores. I fucking hate smores. So stupid! SO FUCKING STUPID. I don’t like burned marshmallows. I don’t like burning sugar. Smells bad, Sarah, smells bad!
The waif chose a climbing axe. 2nd one I’ve seen in a while.
“What do you mean? What is a pack?” I shit you not. The waif is lucky she cleans up well when the script calls for it.
The waif and Captain America, sitting on a porch…
I have a photo of my dead wife, you know…
Looks like he had botched dimple surgery. Could have been a Wahlberg.
A zombie dog? Who woulda thunk it?
Katana-Character does her signature move…
A much nicer day.
“Severe head trauma removes the need for “eventually”.”
That’s the end of the Seth Greene zombie, but also of the magic sword’s credibility.
No one thought to put rot makeup on the zombie’s chest? That’s a fail.
Some reason they’re at the high school, but I can’t remember.
We’ve wandered into a school that reeks of zombies. Let’s start yelling.
Captain America, what the hell is wrong with you? This is a BAD idea.
Investigating an abandoned gym for notes? What about?
And now there’s zombies everywhere? It’s not an ambush if they can’t think. It’s your dumb ass standing still too long and getting caught from all direction simultaneously. Small consolation though, I know.
Capitan America just shot a zombie in a blue shirt and the CGI “blood that splattered was accidently the same blue as the shirt. Whoops!
I dig that this is supposed to be a really chaotic scene. But you can’t shoot this way. It feels like everyone is in a different room, and you’ve fucked up the continuity so that zombies that have fallen are up and whole again…
The waif is getting chased by a super-scary-zombie.
Maybe the gym brawl is just screwed up feeling because it’s all CGI so no-one really knows how hard or far to swing anything.
The waif is hiding in a shower room from the super-scary-zombie…
Just enough fun suspense that it’s enjoyable and then it’s time for the waif to score her first kill! I think!
Oh, shit… Fro just went down. I don’t think he’s gonna be ok.
Neither is the waif. She’s upset that she had to take not-life. “There was a zombie and I killed it.”
Well, then you sat down and waited for people to come rescue you.
The Fucking Poet thinks the zombies were hiding.
The waif doesn’t care.
Captain America is a pragmatist.
“How can a man of your stature not be winded?”
“I don’t talk as much as you do.” VMFR.
It’s a brush breakdown.
The Fucking Poet needs his legs broken. Don’t wink at nothing when you say your line.
Oh, this is the mid-movie talk about what people miss, and want, and hope for. Can we get back to the screaming and running?
It looks like someone choked the shit out of Captain America in real life. Like, the actor looks like he’s got bad bruising around his neck. Hope he didn’t piss off VMFR.
The Fucking Poet’s backpack is Swiss Navy. Jesus, it gets worse and worse. Those guys won an award for the most zippers per square inch of usable space, *and* they’re magic in that EVERY one you see in an airport will have at least 1 pocket unzipped that you’re not sure the owner intended to leave unzipped. Just watch. Tell me I’m wrong.
They’re being watched.
A house is burning.
An assumption is made, and caution go fuck yourself, we’re running forward like lemmings!
Well, shit. Tactics are not their strong point. Surrounded again.
Captain America goes down!
But an Archer saves him! Forget the point that we’ve been seeing hunting arrows and this guy has a crossbow.
But it’s time to run!
VMFR and Katana are cut off (no pun intended) from the group!
Now suddenly there’s an Ape-Hulk Zombie. Prothesis looks like shit.
VMFR takes a convenient chainsaw to the Hulk… and drops a forgettable one-liner.
The archers are taking the main group back to camp. Mind the ribbons. Ding! Mind the ribbons! Ding!
That is quite the safe house!
A lot of map conversation.
A lot of compromise.
A lot of sarcasm.
I’m tired of that guy saying “My team”.
Oh. This is the Quincy Archery Team. Hence the bows. Reminds me of the Dies the Fire series.
Shit. “Their Team” has a Fucking Poet too. And now the assholes are Poet-Flirting. It’s like being trapped at a renaissance fair.
A comet! Or… like, comets! Fuck, shooting stars are shooting stars. I love them. One of the best parts of sleeping out at night.
“Sometimes the end of the world is beautiful.” And I feel fiiiine…
I’m kinda tired of listening to these two guys planning. Constant planning. Just shut up and walk.
Oh, no!! VMFR and the Katana-Character have the feels for each other, and he gives her a forehead kiss. He’s gonna sacrifice himself.
After all that fucking planning, including a specific set of instructions regarding who, when, where, and how to retrieve arrows, they just run by the 3 they just used. Are they all high? “I was gonna get my arrow… but then I got high…”
What the fuck is up with this Troll Doll’s hair? She looks like… fuck. I wanna say Shimono, which is a bike part brand, among other things, but, like, a character from… Street Fighter 2? Is that where I’m getting her anime haircut? Looks like a cosplay pin-up.
And just like that they make up magical tactics.
The Fucking Poet ruins it for everyone. Now no-one gets to poop.
So, the hiding in the van thing is kinda genius, but it really depends on people being quiet and not looking out the fucking windows.
Oh, shit! The Fucking Poet’s been Fucking Bit!
VMFR and Katana raiding an overrun army outpost. Grenades!
“Please?” In context, this is every guy’s wet dream.
The Scooby Doo gang is quarreling in the van.
Jesus, just let the guy kill himself already, please?
This just turned into the worst game of Twister ever imagined.
Neck snapping men cry too. Neck snapping men cry, too.
For a very very brief moment, there was a Target Shopping Cart Mounted Fifty Caliber Machine Gun.
The zombies are getting smarter!
That was the best hand-grenade-bowling-bowl I’ve ever seen bowled.
Capitan America has been lugging around that fucking welding helmet all movie without touching it once. Is it because you can’t see shit through it so it’s totally fucking impractical but costuming idiots wanted it anyway ‘cause it was a cheap way to be kinda steam-punk?
Like, up on a roof now. Mike Tyson likes pigeons.
The magic of mirrors!
Just saw the TSCMFCMG in action. Complete CGI, but… Ok, a begrudgingly done ok. Woulda been a thousand times better if you had a budget, but that was competent. Maybe that’s the Asylum for you these days. “Competent”. Or rather, Kompetint.
Like, everyone is running now. A parade.
A carabiner.
Damn, Capitan America. You NEVER say “I think things are gonna be ok.”
And we’re just getting around to introductions now?
Am I the only one who hated The Fucking Poet?
Ferry arrives noon on Wednesday.
A set of instructions…
I got a bad feeling about this.
One of the archers finds a bunch of hacked up bodies down by the shoreline. I’m not sure why this is so important- all we’ve been seeing are dead bodies. Dead Bodies Everywhere. But these are important somehow. I wish I could figure out how.
Bodies being drug up to the top of shipping containers…
Growling….
A zombie tiger.
A couple minutes of really sad CGI growling and the actors waving bows around as if they were getting mobbed by bees.
VMFR throws an anchor off the dock to drown the zombie tiger. Saw that coming a MILE away.
Uh, is this the SAME zombie tiger, or a different zombie tiger?
VMFR can throw a sledgehammer!
And bleed out!
Sitting on the dock by the bay…
Honk Honk!
————End Transmission——————–
Introduction
Introduction
Thoughts going into it? Cops got someone pulled over in front of our house, so my living room- where I write- is lit up in stropboscopic migrainistic redblueredbluereblue. It’s enough to make someone want to pull the shades, turn out all the lights, and pretend there’s some sort of demonic Christmas rave happening outside.
Or, I could drink another cup of coffee, dance with this new bong again, and roll the dice on one man we all know we can dependably roll the dice on regarding his role choices and acting capabilities; as in, will he choose wisely and will he then be up to the challenge? How many of you are thinking Machete? Or whatever the synonymous B-acting legend’s real name is?
Well, you’re in the right silo, but drinking the wrong color kool aid. I’m talking Mr. Ving MuthaFuck’n Rhames. If there is not a better example of how what’s-his-name’s “Take Every Role Offered” approach (Nicholas Cage, for one) not always hitting the mark, it’s written in Ving’s IMDB resume. This man has MADE *at least* one Zombie Movie- The remake of Dawn wouldn’t have been the same with anyone else. Tell me I’m wrong.
One thing that I’m not wrong about is this new bong; the straggling Smoke Cartel order- she finally showed up. As for the femininity, lemme explain. My wife and I have this game we play on Amazon, where we look at all the options being… offered… and if one of them is the same functionality but just a stupid print or color yet costs less, we always buy that one.
It’s a fun way to get funky strange colors in your kitchen and add some questionably youthful inclusions into one’s wardrobe. Although Smoke Cartel *did* provide me with the ability to choose my own SpaceShip Recycler color, and I think they offered, like, 12, there also was a “Pick a color for me!” option that although it didn’t save me any money, it looked like a fun gamble. Based on the name, what color do you think I got? No, not pink.
I got “Dusty Pink”. I don’t mean that the color is some smokey hued rose either- the fucking thing was dusty-ass-dirty when it showed up. It was packed to survive a German sex party though, so I really didn’t mind the extra time rinsing it off before using it. I would have anyway- it’s important to. Like rinsing your grapes before you refrigerate them.
So anyway- today I get this package, and it’s the missing bong, and just like I said that I thought that the Ice Bong from Smoke Cartel would have been bigger (at least to allow the functionality of being an ice cube bong) when it comes to this pink contraption, Jeebers. I feel like they only presented 2-dimensional advertising materials or something equally deceptive. It’s a forest of test tubes and bridgeways and bubbling blurpers that lead to inverted cones and if you weren’t ever going to actually smoke from it you could have a small fish living a quite comfortable and interesting life in it were you inclined.
There’s trifectas, there’s waffle-technology, there’s spider-ergonomics, laser-cut percolation, and viewed from above it makes NASA engineering look obscenely inelegant, like lumps of clay stuck on an elephant’s ass. You want to put your lips on that? No. But you do want to put your lips on this thing at least once.
It’s definitely not going to be my to-go-to rig. Mainly because it’s so much fun to use that I start taking little micro hits and then I lose count and then I’m outta coffee and the other laptop has gone to sleep again. I was kinda thinking about my old system car.
This bong hits your chest like my twin subs used to hit your diaphragm. Shit starts convulsing. So I’ve got a new piece to get down with before I start this, and I want to share a bit of mental health follow-up, since my last piece may have been a tad bitter, as I believe there were over a dozen refences to my anti-social diagnosis.
Last night I went out for burgers with a good friend who knows what I’ve been going through and he offered the sage advice that I’m the same guy, label or not, and as long as I don’t hide behind the diagnosis, it’s not a bad thing.
When I explained that now I feel sort of like a fish in a bowl regarding my limitations to thrive out there in the big adult world, he used this anecdote to wrap it up. He’s a veteran who has also recently began addressing his mental health, and he said that the minute he sought the level help he did, he was instantly barred from serving in the military again. “Do I wish I was back in the Army? Could you convince me to join back up with the Army? Fuck no! But the minute I lost the ability to re-join the military, I felt like I was missing out on something.” Or something close to that.
It made perfect sense. Then things came full circle in the gym locker room where two older dudes were exchanging numbers to go out to eat with their wives and one mentioned one of my favorite restaurants in the area. I almost joined their conversation, but then realized, what the fuck I wanna talk to these two dudes about? I’m never going to go to dinner with them. So I kept my mouth shut.
It felt very much like my internal monologue was running through Best In Show “We can talk… or not talk… for hours!” So instead of saying anything about the restaurant I just kinda smiled to myself at the choice of not-conversating. Was it anti-social to not interject? Would it have been anti-social TO interject? I have no idea how this shit works.
Thank god I’ve got this bong pretty much dialed in though. That and my coffee. Aside from Mr. VMFR, 2012: Zombie Apocalypse, or maybe it’s just Zombie Apocalypse?.. also shares the short blurb “Months after a zombie plague has wiped out 90 percent of the American population, a small group of survivors fight their way cross-country to a rumored refuge on the island of Catalina.”
You ask me, get rid of 90% the people around me, I find this place right here a mighty nice place all of a sudden. A Catalina is a type of boat, I think, and it could be named after an area? Like… well, I guess, an island. I forgot about that. I was thinking deltas and bayous.
We got 294 people giving this a 3.5 rating (drum roll of doom) but like I said, it’s got VMFR. AND it doesn’t look like the director is in the movie or related to any of the talent, so hopefully we all got here on talent. *I* arrived on New Bong Clouds, and I plan on taking another ride before we depart.
Seriously- this rig looks like something extra-dimensional beings would use to ingest glowing crystalline rainbow fungus or whatever. So I’m gonna rip one, then go put it off on the desk so I can’t break it before my wife gets to try it. That’d be inexcusable. That said and done, it’s a beautiful contraption, but it’s not “for me”, if you know what I mean.
Here’s something else to ponder on if you’re ever invited to speak to the board that makes the movie telling rules. It’s kinda dumb to set a specific year or date or whatnot for your movie, ‘cause what if- just what if- you wrote a zombie apocalypse movie for 8 years before a real honest to god pandemic DID happen and totally fuck everything up?
It’s going to be like one of those Time Life “Houses of Tomorrow” 1950’s advertisements where everything is both hopelessness futuristic and already dated. You wanna know what’s hopeless? Me trying to type the word futuristic. Why are they specifying it’s months afterwards? Why not “A year” or “more than several handfuls of weeks” … fucking arbitrary time naming board bastards, telling me when to do…