Zombie Town
Overall Recommendation
Recommendation?
This is the work of untalented amateurs. The zingers in this movie felt like early evening practice pick up lines, and the acting simply unable to support any semblance of professionalism. Heroin’s mood changed randomly, Ex had 2 speeds- lecture and scream, Boss Brother let his cocaine seize the verbal reins… and Mutton-Chops. You, sir, deserve one swift kick in the jimmy. Thank god no-one else here put up a worthy performance, because you would have ruined it for them with your ever-present smirk. You speak your lines not just like you’re too enthralled with your position to see yourself clearly, but rather you perform as if you know you were not the best choice for the role but you got it anyway through some trickery or deception, and you’re so proud of yourself for pulling that off that you can’t conceive for an instant that your acting could be anything less than stellar. The best acting you did throughout this entire project was simply acting like an actor. You convinced them- they stood up there and said stupid shit next to you on camera. I’m sure they thought you all were actors in a movie. But you knew differently, didn’t you? You knew you were only a pizza delivery boy or shoe-restock clerk, but you’d lied on your resume and they bought it! No one can catch you now! Yet your pride betrays you and ultimately you stand naked in your ill-fitting shirt with measuring eyes finding you lacking. What to do? There was some good zombie mayhem here and there, but nothing scary. This movie was not scary. There was nothing scary. The scariest thing was the idea of pollution in our waters. The good zombie mayhem that there was… can be found elsewhere for a dime. Free on Tuesdays until 4pm. Yes, I’m ripping this one a new hole, but there are standards that must be met to even qualify for a dignified death; fall short and you’re cut down with casual contempt like an animal to the cull. Don’t bluff, don’t front, don’t lie, and above all, don’t get caught. To get caught for something as stupid as looping 4 fucking seconds of film- it wasn’t worth it. You shouldn’t have tried for it. You had good effects in your movie. That second showing gave us nothing additional but cost you such credibility. The botched lines, the continuity issues, the cast suffering random possibly chemically induced mood swings; most of this can be forgiven if you have the right passion and love, but how can you be proud of this? There was nothing good here. This is the result of a script being written in an airless echo chamber- most probably by two Beavis and Butthead-ean grunters egging each other on to cooler and cooler heights. But the end product is indisputable in it’s failure. Like the sheriff’s office, you can only fly so high when you’re shooting your movie in the basement.
Plot Autopsy
Plot Autopsy
- Zombie rednecks are killing zombie rednecks (did I write this right? I don’t remember)
- Two idiot brothers lose a fight with the zombie rednecks
- Boss brother explodes into slugs
- Slugs infect grandmothers
- Grandmothers tear up the town
- Something about salt and silos and an ice-cream truck. Honestly, I wasn’t really paying attention
Zombie Description
Zombie Description
This is a hard one, because we most definitely have regular zombie activity; IE: Corpse with evident bite marks is running around biting living people, who then die, get up again, and run around with more biting again. Pretty good stuff, and well done. But then there’s this whole “Hive colony of parasite slugs that reproduce every 20 minutes but there’s only 1 male or something like that so they tunnel out of the body with three razor-teeth”. And then turn into regular slugs and leaches depending on what they needed to film. These slug things… lets see… the first one latches onto your spine (It was already done in that UFO movie with… Shit. The really stern guy. My wife knows.) and begins sending… viral hormones? I think? I don’t exactly remember. But this causes you to act all ape-hooey and start biting people all traditional zombie-like. I’m having a hard time remembering if anyone else exploded into slugs like boss brother did. But you can get these parasites from a zombie bite or a parasite bite. And then… Why… make it so needlessly complex? It added nothing. Should have stuck with traditional zombies, but then we couldn’t kill them with salt. Oh. Yeah. They melt with salt. In the cheapest manner possible, too.
Where the money went
Where the money went
Special effects, but in a strangely limited way. It was as if they had a pro for exactly one day, so they did X number of scenes that came out with stellar effects, but then the rest was DIY. Look at Primus zombie, or the grandmother zombie bite in the bingo hall. These are professional level zombie effects. And then Pantsless Mr. Sherrif? He’s got white shit rubbed on his face and some dark eye smudges and that’s it. How could they have such wildly divergent production values between scenes? Same thing with the parasites- with Boss Brother is having his exodus, damn, that was some gross stuff. Maybe not A level, but solid B. They had the consistency of the blood perfect- just look at that. But then later, they’re slugs with pink gel around them? And then leaches with the camera slightly sped up? And then slugs with toothpaste on them? It really doesn’t make sense. I think having such different effects between the scenes made it worse than just having so-so effects throughout the entire movie. Um… It’s easier to think about where they could have done better. They just didn’t do that much good here. Aside from the beginning really basic shit. So- What was up with the sets? Why did they film the sheriff’s office in a basement? I’d bet donuts that the lab with the huge sponge was in the same building as the police station. Different rooms of the same basement. What is up with that sponge? Huge. And the warehouse set. How hard is it to find a real warehouse to film in? Did you buy a six pack of #9 beer and then re-use the bottles for every scene in this movie? That’s some crappy apricot shit, isn’t it? And EVRYONE in this movie prefers it? I don’t know if any money went towards that Red Sox hat, but if so, I appreciate it. Gives a bit of local credence to that being in Vermont, too. Bet that kid was drinking some beahs. Excessive stupid weapons. It’s like they went down a list of the most popular zombie movies and if it was in one of them, they put it in this one. Except for the salt idea. Fucking stupid. Should have copied something else there as well instead of taking that singular unfortunate moment to think for yourself. But a chainsaw? I actively began hating you the moment I realized you wrote that into the script. Mutton-Chops, you’re an unattractive and funny looking man and no chainsaw or gun or one-liner is going to change that. Shirts. I can’t help it. It’s like no-one had the right shirt on. You’re cheap bastards because you don’t shoot blanks and your CGI looks like it was programmed on a phone and you killed, like, 37 people OFF-CAMERA. The pan-away is supposed to be used for dramatic effect, Goddamnit, NOT so that you can be lazy fucks and just record a sound effect and vocal track instead of shooting the whole thing. Lasts as goddamn long, wastes as much time, so fucking follow-through and put up. You’re gonna kill someone in a zombie movie these days, you damn well better show it unless you got a reason to not. Continuity! This was insultingly poor. You looped the same footage and presented it twice. And it’s VERY VERY distinct footage and the two loops are separated by one 15 second cut scene… it’s fucking obvious. That’s nowhere close to acceptable- I’d rather not release a movie at all than release one with this fatal flaw. You could have shot Casablanca, but if she stepped on ANY of those stairs twice on her way down, well, frankly my dear, Mutton-Chops is an unattractive and funny-looking man. And I caught you. Laundry Mat shoots a zombie with a salt shell and then later, you suggest to Ex that she try one out. Because you collectively have amnesia or maybe weren’t paying attention to the first test of the improvised weapon that you’re counting on (literally, since Ex did all the math for us) killing 137 something (I didn’t really pay attention to Ex) zombies.
Best Weapon
Best Weapon
It wasn’t the salt shells. Those were lame. That was the dumbest twist. “Hey, guys! You know what’d be cool? What if, like, there were zombies, but they melted if salt got on them?” See? It’s stupid. You never should have touched a camera on this project, the script should have been pointed at and ridiculed. I don’t really know what to say. I don’t think I liked anything. In the very beginning, I liked it when imbecile #2 slapped Primus zombie in the face. Not really an effective weapon, considering 2 seconds later he’d been pulled through a window and was having the side of his face chewed off though. I think the best weapon is whatever structural support it was that fell and landed on Mutton-Chops, finally killing him. I liked that. That made me happy. If weapon is construed to mean something that offends and repels me though, that little rip of Pulp Fiction really riled my bile.
Can I get a hand?
Can I get a hand?
There was one really cool hand-related moment. It wasn’t the classic “punching up from the grave” that I so love, but this was a really well done “from the outside looking in” as a dead old woman pawed hungrily at the glass that you can see a fat guy in a recliner through. It’s frightening in it’s under-statedness. Of course, he hears the fingers streaking on the glass and comes to investigate and surprise, it’s mom zombie and you’re going to die a horrible sounding death off-camera where we don’t actually have to pay for the effects. That said, for that one moment, it was genuinely creepy, and it made me really happy. So much these days is hyperkinetic, we’ve lost touch with how frightening something with so much more time and patience than you can be. It can wait, you’ll slip up…
That was new!
That was new!
I’m not putting that fucking salt idea in this because that wasn’t new, it was imbecilic. I’ve seen gramma zombies too. I’m not sure I’ve seen a Red Sox hat in a zombie movie. That did make me happy. Pants-less police. That was new.
Review Notes
Review Notes
Ammo Content. Ok, we’re manly in our distribution range.
Edgewood Studios… we paid $12 for our logo in 1987.
We’re opening with trees. And bird calls. And piano. And more bird calls. This could be a bigfoot movie.
Got a guy running through the woods- he got a shotgun and a red shirt
And he tripped over a corpse… he looks like Les Claypool from Primus… yes, yell at the corpse! “RED! RED! RED! RED!” Why is the rum always gone?
And he tried to run away, got grabbed, and he’s screaming offscreen as someone grumbles into the mike. I think that’s supposed to be zombie sounds. Sounds more like an ape chewing on a pencil eraser.
3 stooges in a cabin arguing about peeing the bed in a cabin in the woods. Been there, done that.
But Primus is back! With a bloody neck bite!
Redneck foreplay rituals! Git sum!
“Must have been those dimwitted cousins of yours” If I had a dollar…
Slapping Primus zombie in the face! And he didn’t like that and we have blood and attack and screaming and they’re poking at the zombie with a broom handle while it eats the side of inbred #3’s face. 3 rednecks in a hunting cabin; a zombie shows up, and they reach for… a broom handle. Yep.
Camera on a frightened guy, then a door, then the guy… The door… Oh! I get it! They’re building suspense!
PRIMUS!!
Rakes.. not effective. Don’t rely on rakes.
Did that other guy faint?
And…. The camera runs into the guy’s neck. I think it’s supposed to be the zombie’s mouth’s point of view as it bit the guy, but in reality, it was a badly lit pudgy guy yelling “RAY RAY” as the camera got into his personal space.
Edgewood studios, I think this is going to be a lot of off-camera sound effects- already been a ton of those – and hopefully no more of that POV crap? Unless you get actors?
Loud angry rock song music to get us in the mood!
Light show of… evil things… reaching… I think. They may also be playing the drums.
“Black clack to Me!! To do the to clay!!” Or something. It’s yelling. Not half bad, but crappy for a movie intro. Feels a lot like something familiar from old punk. High-hat tuned way up like Helmet though. I approve.
Is Zombie Town the best name they could get?
I think this is filmed in Bee-vision. And the music is reduced to muttering.
Did the band finance this movie?
Damon Le… whatever wrote and directed. Yay zero compromise!
And THAT’S an old timey intro to an old timey town.
Richard Dreyfuss wants his truck! And more cookies.
And this mechanic… Due to his perky, alert demeanor, I’m going to name him Heroin.
“It’s a fucking Chevrolet! What do you mean, you don’t usually deal with Chevrolet?” I’d be pissed if my pants fit that badly too.
But the mechanic… Oh Heroin… Try to focus on the customer, or his vehicle?
Takes place in Vermont, eh? I know Vermont.
“This ice cream truck is my livelihood.” Would you ever say that out loud? I couldn’t. Unless I’d already pee’d myself somewhere earlier in the conversation.
These brothers hate being mechanics and have brand new shirts. Like, right from the printer clean shirts. How does wardrobe not get grease for a mechanic.
Brothers fighting over how expensive it is to maintain junk. Now that’s a plot.
And… a clutzy ditz is taking water samples… wandering the woods in waders…
And there’s a corpse floating in the water! Or, some pillows? No, it’s a corpse. At the right angle it looks pretty good. Or like pillows.
How much coke is this guy on?? The boss brother can’t even fake a one-way phone call.
Slide guitars and a nice 4×4 wrecker off on a dirt road. Now… this is like perfect for me. I love trucks and mud. And they got the green plates right.
Recreational woman-hassling… Or, not a random woman… that’s the ex?
Heroin…. Heroin…. So sleepy… words… mumbling… garage…
Ex wants Heroin to call her. I can’t wait for the awkward dinner conversation they insist on filming in detail.
They have arrived at the Johnson boy’s truck.
But, they’re not towing it. With the tow truck. They’re walking up to the cabin. Slowly. Boss brother is still coked up and making fun of Heroin. These guys met yesterday. Zero chemistry.
Freedom Rock Zombie! Oh!! He bit Boss Brother while Heroin looked at his hand.
“Fuck you, Mitch Smith, Fuck you!” Somewhere, there really is a Mitch Smith. I need to send him this movie.
This “Go get help” conversation is like a rough draft of “Who’s on first.”
And now Ex is on coke. I mean, even Heroin is acting animated. This is some of the most erratic not-acting to hit the really small screen.
Crazy toad lady in a basement with a sheriff. The sheriff is a parrot. Toad lady knows the scoop!
Heroin… just told the sheriff he shot freedom rock zombie.
And now Johnny Knoxville’s old man character is babbling about a truck- interrupted everyone. That’s the hat to be wearing if you’re interrupting people. This guy looks like a costume display store sent him over.
Oh! The phone is out now! And the sheriff… walks like he’s got itchy armpits.
Scene of an accident. A CGI accident. An explosion…. Wow that was bad. Think unreleased beta version of a video-game bad.
And the cop says the inbreds were eaten by bears. I disagree, but I like his thinking.
Heroin doesn’t believe him.
Is Ex clairvoyant? She senses the zombie! Shit! That’s Boss Brother zombie! He’s a mess!
Ok, this is good zombie. A bit… phlegmy, but good zombiesm! Coronavirus.
Wow, he’s really drooling all over himself.
And that jukebox is playing and it’s pool game and now we meet 3 more different inbred rednecks…
Got smacked with an ironing board… “Hmm… full size would be a bit unwieldy.” HA!!! I love this mutton-chop guy!! That was the perfect close-up!! 27 minutes in and I think this movie may have just hit it’s comedic peak. I’m seriously hungry.
There’s ashtrays in this place? Where the hell are they? And we’re ordering #9’s?
Crap. I knew this stupid restaurant conversation would occur and I’d have to watch it.
VERMONT SHERIFF’s DEPARTMENT. Yup. That’s a fail. The sheriff’s office being filmed in a basement is inexcusable considering they took over a tavern to film useless banality.
They’re in Otis, Vermont. That’s a dog’s name. I guess in Vermont, it’s a Man’s name too.
No phones until Monday. I think that’s called foreshadowing.
I’m glad for this level of detail regarding the logistical issues clearing the road.
Boss brother zombie just Hulk-Hogan’d his shirt and he’s growing nipples…no… razor nipples…. Worm things…. That’s gross. I don’t like this. Leeches things. Looks like he’s dead and bleeding blueberry syrup, but those were well done gross parasites.
Mutton-chop casting shade! There’s a rivalry here. I like him less. He’s like Screech.
He takes road plowing VERY seriously.
Big brother zombie looks hella-dead. Squittering sounds and more of these gross things rip through flesh.
Leeches crawling up stuff. Leaches… into a toilet… no, sheriff, no… I don’t want to watch this. Troma did it 30 years ago and I didn’t like it then… That was cute. Little fart noise. Is this supposed to be scary?
Snooping around the sheriff’s office. They’re gonna find some leaches. Never any windows tho. That’s ‘cause we filmed it all in the basement! Because….
Crap! The eye! The leaches! The ceiling! The rabbit sounds!
Pink gel! Sped up footage! You go squish now! Mutton-Chops to the rescue!
More parasites gotta exit boss brother’s eye? Ick…
And Mutton-Chops has ninja-like reflexes! That’s two dead!
Who stops to catch a leach when you’re running for your life? This character is either deranged and fearless, or the poor woman can’t act. She’s shown nothing resembling fear or anxiety. If I was Heroin and I was going through these shenanigans with her, I’d be wondering if she was a sociopath. At least Heroin can move his mouth muscles around aping the close proximity of emotions. Ex? She… just runs over here and says a line then over there and says a line and then trashes the receptionist’s pencil collection and bottles a leech for the hell of it…
Huuunnngry…
Community Bingo with crotchety old ladies… a great addition to any depiction of the apocalypse.
“After 12 years of good behavior, Mr. Slippers up and bit me”. Oh yeah? Well, you know what you did.
Optimistic about that bite…
“Nobody is going to destroy Mr. Slippers!” You know, I actually believe her. She believes her. Marge is the only real actor in this movie. Unless Heroin is actually supposed to be in some sort of opiate fog. If so, spot-on bang-up job every time a coconut. Actually.
That’s right! The Ex is some sort of scientist! It was mentioned once in the very beginning! And so pointless at the time that I forgot! Because she hasn’t done anything except read her lines to the camera.
Now THAT is a sponge. That’s huge. I can’t look away.
We finally get up close to a parasite, get to cut it open, and it’s filled with… wilted lettuce? Really? That’s sad. I could make better special effects with two dollars’ worth of McDonalds.
“Yeah… Iraq. They sent their arsenal of killer slugs over to Otis, Vermont.” (Nodding) Not that far off from what people are talking about these days… pretty accurate…
Look, a different pair of glasses that you hope make you look older isn’t enough to convince me you’re… an… adult. You still have starter earrings and a bright pink scrunchy. You’re wearing a lab coat- this doesn’t excuse you from pretending to be a scientist when you’re not wearing the lab coat. That doesn’t make sense. Neither does most of what you just said about the slugs. But you believe you said it convincingly, that’s what’s important.
Fighting amongst the survivors- or rather, raised voices and eyebrows! That’s acting!
And continuity… I’ve been waiting for salt to get mentioned ever since Mutton-Chop was very prominently holding the saltshaker in the earlier scene 2 minutes ago
That’s the special effect? Looks like toothpaste spit on the thing…
Damn that’s a big sponge.
She’s all alone in the lab with the parasites. No way this can go wrong.
Piano driven bingo. Excitement. I’m glad I know what the women need for numbers! Smoke! “Oh, I’m sorry, does that aggravate your emphysema?”
Bingo! Bingo! Bite! And that was good chomping for an old lady.
When given a choice to run over a zombie dog or a zombie sheriff, I’d have to pick the sheriff. To each their own. I squished the sheriff… But I did not run over the deputy…
And that smile before running over the dog? Heroin? Do you know what you look like in the mirror? Like a disturbed child finding a shard of broken glass. And don’t try to tell me that was acting. You act like I throw spaghetti at the wall. It’s a fucking mess and I’m trying to learn how to do it as I go along.
Makeup. On the dead sheriff. Pathetically lacking. Classic “Make up on the face, but the rest of the neck and body left untouched.” Which really becomes evident when you’ve got a pants-less zombie. Those are some muscular yet fish-belly pale legs! Did your neighbors know you were going to be filming pants-less tonight? How do you have that conversation?
Almost halfway through, I have no idea what tone they’re going for in this movie. Except for ripping off Shaun of the Dead. Down to the “see through the hole in the chest” shot. Did you two have even one single original idea? And I’m sorry, this isn’t good enough to count as homage.
It’s like when Mutton-Chops is in the scene, it’s buddy banter time, but when it’s just Ex and Heroin in the scene, it’s action horror. Or, supposed to be. I honestly don’t know if I’m supposed to be scared or thrilled at all, or if this is a tongue-in-cheek send-up. I’m not writing down any more of Mutton-Chop’s lines unless he says them without a smirk.
She’s talking into a recorder. Gotta be a scientist if so. There’s a rule. Who is supposed to transcribe these tapes? She’s an intern taking water samples, not a Nobel laurate.
Oh, we’ve mentioned hive-stuff! And thank you for explaining your whole zombie parasite theory in minute painful detail instead of, you know, making a movie about it. You made a movie about zombie crap, added some slugs, and then lectured us about how, potentially, another form of life could reproduce. Whizzers, I give two shits.
Thank God zombie sheriff is … no…. she shoved salt in his mouth and he… chomped at it like a dog? That was awkward. I don’t care how many shots that took, they should have shot it again. But it was enough to kill him and spill the world’s thinnest blood everywhere. Where are the special effects? Was the expert sick today?
Oh, a dissection! And more lecturing! Hormonal viruses being injected into the spine. Alzheimer’s. Rabies. An exposed brain. Tissue Degradation.
Ok, she got the blood on her shirt from the dissection. Makes sense.
Something about a plan involving road salt and shotgun shells. Planned in the same urgent tone and emotional range of deciding their subway orders.
I gotta say it. Mutton-Chops is a funny looking unattractive man. Very so.
“Where would a bunch of homicidal grandmothers go”. This is getting spoon-fed with the one-liners. Is this a zombie movie or mad libs?
I appreciate the old dead lady through the window-glass. That’s a classic and quite well done. I like the zombies that stay on the other side of the glass, they’re actually much scarier than the rude zombies that jump right in. Piano is ruining it. Almost more than the killings all taking place off screen.
A musical montage of old woman zombies!
I guess this is supposed to be a bunch of kids partying. Looks lame. Acoustic guitar being strummed but loud rock music being played.
Red Sox Hat!! YETH!! +10 coolness!!
Are they indoors? Outdoors? Did they bring the trucks inside?
Making sure we know this is the rebellious crowd- give EACH one a cigarette that are all burned the exact same length. Yup. Painful realism right there.
Back seat sex. Dude must be named Brock. A 12-year-old would write more accurate sex dialogue.
Grandmother’s attack! Somehow… the party is ruined.
Only 2/3 of the way through. My night is ruined.
Back at the bingo hall… for the 8th time in the movie.
What the fuck! Beans? For special effects?
Mutton-Chops, you can’t act. Not at all.
Well, that was a well-done bumper to the face.
Spin the bottle? More number 9. More number 9. That beer was popular when I was in college.
Are they intentionally aping Pulp Fiction? Are those guns even firing? Or are you pathetic rubes just pulling the trigger and jerking the gun in pretend? I think it’s the latter.
How long is this bullshit scene supposed to last? “Everyone run around yelling for 15 minutes. Camera pans wildly.”
Really? Gotta cut the parasite out of his leg? And now you decide to try to act? That’s not it. You’re not close. You’re just yelling with a knife. The vein in your temple is… you should get that looked at.
Here comes the cliché. I mean, the chainsaw.
This saw has made 14 different mechanical sounds. That high-pitched one is a disk on steel. Does this kid have a pin in his leg?
Mutton-Chops, that was a horrible speech.
Green-Shirt, you just glare at stuff. I bet you thought you’d get a line. You don’t even get to say “Ok”. Be quiet.
Corpses on the ground but zero blood anywhere. Well thought out.
Guns… stashed… in a laundry mat. Well, I guess it’s one way to give the survivors the high-powered firearms necessary for the inevitable generic “solve this with headshots” ending.
I’m yawning. I don’t much care about this laundry mat. Or movie.
The parasite angle provided nothing, and the zombie shit started good with Primus and all, but lately… this movie was made by and for the exact same focal group. This is the cinematic equivalent of a shitty club show where the only people in the audience are the other bands waiting to play.
Antique shotguns stored in the laundry mat. Yeah, that makes sense. Were they given a very short list of places they were allowed to film?
Laundry Mat, that means “I’m gonna kill your dad.” Get with it.
Well done zombie effects! And yet another kill off-screen!
That’s really not the best way to play with shotgun shells. This movie could have cost someone their fingers. STOP HITTING THE SHELL WITH A SCREDRIVER!
“Well, it was inevitable that we’d end, we’d run into each other sometime. It’s a small town, you know…” No, I don’t know, but I do know you flubbed your line and ya’ll just kept on filming.
Heroin, you’re smiling like an idiot. No-one is this happy at this point in the zombie movie. You’re in the wrong genre. With the right hat you’d make a good cowpoke. Go poke some cows.
Wait, now Heroin is reflecting that he hasn’t seen much of Ex since she came back, but earlier when we met her he was just finding out that she was back in town… They’re just making conversation up as they go. I bet the backstory for these two reads “Broke up a couple years ago.”
Something about North Carolina… I think this is supposed to mean something to us… they’re talking and having a moment. Hold hands. Smile at each other. Tenderness. Yup. I felt that tenderness. And now it’s back to stabbing at shotgun shells with a screwdriver.
Green-Shirt has been bit!! Or, like, has a parasite on him. Obviously, he’s tubby and sick.
Is this a fucking videogame? Mutton-Chops walks into a closet, opens a box, and there’s a pre-wired dynamite bundle and detonator. Jackass drops a “Dyno-mite”, picks it up, and walks off. Is he going to punch a block for some coins next?
Yup. Or nope. Those guns aren’t shooting anything. There’s a spot in hell for these idiots. I hate pretend guns. Should be forced to make finger guns.
Green-Shirt is having his moment! Green-Shirt makes a good zombie! That scowling face was good for something after all! Unfortunately, it’ll take more than Green-Shirt zombie to kill Mutton-Chops. Unfortunately. I’m so tired of him.
Thank you! Population 174! We know that exactly! And we know how many zombies have been killed! Exactly! Thank you for spelling it all out for us mouth-breathers, Ex! We didn’t care! This is the foreshadowing equivalent of writing things from the script on your palm in sharpie and then slapping us repeatedly until there’s ink transfer. This is not how a movie is supposed to explain things!
It’s gotta be opposite day. That’s the only excuse.
Why film yourselves doing interesting things when you could just film yourselves doing boring things but having a conversation in which you tell each other the interesting things you just got done doing? This is insultingly lazy.
Is Mutton-Chops… acting? Is this a double-acting? Double-deep-fake-out-acting?
No-one on the set knew how to swing an axe? No-one spoke up? No one said, hey, you look really stupid holding the axe up by your shoulder and then bending at the waist? Or did everyone else hare Mutton-Chops as much as me?
Oh! Heroin! You just suggested to Ex that she try out the shotgun shells! But we already did that while you and Ex were sharing your moment and hitting shells with screwdrivers! Remember! Laundry Mat shot a zombie! I even believe you egged him on! Write this shit down BEFORE YOU START FILMING.
Don’t suddenly slightly change camera angles when she pulls the trigger to hide the fact there’s no gun flash. You suck.
Fat camo blue shirt zombie just wussed out and didn’t eat the entrails! He pulled it out and brought it up near his mouth and then you can see the moment he decides “Nope. Not putting this crap in my mouth.” That’s some grade-A commitment. I expect to see great things from you, young man!
And then you looped the same footage! He reaches up into the shirt area, grabs something, and pulls down! He does it twice! You showed us the same shit twice! That’s unforgiveable.
15 minutes left, and since they’re re-using footage, I think they feel the same “let’s get this over” urgency I feel.
Some sort of ice-cream truck… ding ding ding… PLEASE bring on Maximum Overdrive to kick this things ass
Wait… not needed. Broke down. Heroin, you really ARE a shitty mechanic.
The truck broke down. Here comes the horde. Here comes the rock guitar solo. Here comes… nothing. Blah. This is the big finale. This is the big. Finale. Will the truck start?
Fuck. Mutton-Chops just got killed. I didn’t see that coming. I am happy though. Really dragging it on though.
I guess the end plot is to pied piper the zombies into the warehouse- the place where the delinquents had their not-party- and then blow everything up? With what appears to be rolls of red construction paper and yarn?
There’s so much rock music and gunshots and zombie music I’m sure this is really really exciting.
Blow the tank! Or don’t! But please stop waving the camera around so much, I’m getting sick.
I actually really like that zombie death- the classic “backed into a corner.”
I’m having a hard time with how much this kid is shrieking though. And I’m so sick of the music.
Heroin is fighting a zombie. Guns out of ammo. But Mutton-Chops is still alive! And looking… squinty. He really thinks he’s cool.
Who sold them that CGI explosion? That was weak. Looked like someone waved sparklers around quickly.
Melting! I’m melting!
Lame ass peroxide effects.
6 minutes… please….
Ok, those two lived. Mutton-Chops, not so much.
And we walk off into… bleh.
As “scary things” run back and forth in the foreground of the shadows. It’s not over yet… Really cool effect if I cared anymore.
Finally, over… some crappy song starts, and just before I turn it off, I see “Zapatos Para Todos” in big bold on the screen. “Shoes for all”, I think.
————End Transmission——————–
Introduction
Introduction
I honestly have a lot more to say right now about their names than I do the movie blurb or picture. There’s a trailer, but, you know. I probably wouldn’t have the guts to pull the trigger if I knew how bad it was going to hurt.
I don’t like “Brynn” as a name. I don’t know how to pronounce it- is it “Brin” or “Brian”? I’m going with “Brin”. I hope that’s his? Given name, because if you choose Brynn Lucas as a stage name, you belong doing 3rd rate theater in a small town in a dry county of Utah.
Adam Horse. There’s… an unfortunate name. I suppose there are some “Horse” out there that didn’t choose it themselves. Phallic. There. I said it. The word Phallic looks kinda like a horse’s head if he was jutting his jaw out to take a bite.
Damon Lemay? I hope it’s supposed to be LeMay. Demon LeMay. I like that. I like Damon. Bourne rules, and Boston rules, and math is pretty cool but I thought that movie was about a chair.
Dennis Lemoine, what did you do to get roped into this? I do these reviews with a couple of dogs and a cup of coffee for company, but today even more than normal I wish I had the robots from MST3K with me here just to riff on the names.
I’ll do the movie, I don’t think robots can get high. But I’m sure they’d be able to come up with something “Lemon” to riff off of. I can’t. “Local mechanic Jake La Fond’s life is suddenly disrupted when mysterious parasites transform the law-abiding citizens of his quaint hometown into hoards of cannibalistic Zombies.” And see? Right there. Another name.
Jake La Fond. La Frond is more like it! Plant! But seriously- that’s 25 words of description there and they waste 3 with the guy’s name. I liked him as “Local Mechanic”. That’s so Charles Bronson. Which is almost as good as Chuck Norris. Like, the decaf version. With a mustache.
They’re wasting more breath explaining that these are *cannibalistic* Zombies. I’m not sure why they capitalized Zombies- Proper Noun, I Guess. But I’m concerned that I won’t be able to follow the upcoming plot twists if they’re going to throw cannibalistic zombies into the script. That’s gonna throw me, I bet.
I’ll just be sitting here waiting for the zombie chess game that never occurs, since they’re all off eating people. I’m always left out and the last to know. It’s the story of my life.
The picture on Amazon is woman in what look like the eves of an attic with a single barrel shotgun; she’s got it up to her shoulder and she’s sighting down the barrel as much as is necessary with a shotgun. That looks like a .12 gauge. I hate .12 gauges. I have little French wrists.
She’s got red on her. Looks like blood- it’s down the front of her shirt, as if she has been chewing on someone, but I can’t tell if there’s any on her chest or neck. None on her mouth. Looks like a clean woman put on a zombie’s blood-stained shirts. And if that’s the case, I’m definitely not going to be able to follow this one.
I’m already a bit faded- I ate a big gummy an hour ago and then a couple CBD gummies. I love gummies. I love gummies so much. Jesus, I love gummies. All gummies, too- not just the edible kind. I mean, I guess they’re all technically the edible kind. If they’re not, you shouldn’t be eating them.
But I mean the THC edible kind. Which I ate. And which is seriously making itself present. Typing is either really easy or really hard. I keep getting amazed at how well I’m typing and then I look down at my fingers and screw up and then it takes 20 seconds to erase my mistakes and get going again because the neurons are fighting through gummy-sludge.
My ears just popped. That was nice. So… The only thing I really care about at this point is that he’s a mechanic. And I care ‘cause I really like cars. I like trucks too. I buy my underwear at K-Mart. This woman in an attic with an antiquated shotgun? I’m not that interested.
She’s got a scratch on her arm. And a watch. Parasites? Really? I guess this is going to be high on the Ick factor, but maybe lacking in the biting? And… “Law-abiding” “quaint hometown”… whoever wrote those should have a parasitic zombie sic’d on them. This looks like it’s going to be horrible.
That shotgun looks like it’s from 1910. It’s good for hunting zombies, excuse me… cannibalistic Zombies AND muskrat. I think muskrats would probably make this better. I mean, look at Zombeavers. That was one hell of a stupid premise and they totally pulled it off. Great flick. I highly doubt… I forgot my point.
But Zombeavers most probably doesn’t have such a generic pointless description for IT on amazon. Creative forces, over there. This? Crap. Parasites. Yay. I got my coffee, a vape with an unknown cartridge, and away we go.