Zoombies
Overall Recommendation
As for the movie? The shitshow? The most obviously glaring complaint I have is that there weren’t any fucking zombies in the entire movie! Take a zoo, make every animal (except for elephants) start attacking humanity, and that’s the movie. You call it “CGI Animals Attack Poorly” and leave the whole zombie thing out of it. Because a bunch of people got bit and no-one turned or even suffered any ill effects, and the animals were “zombies” due to some enzyme or something, which I don’t think they ever explained the origin of. They just point to Zombies and declare that’s what they are. Which is bullshit. It’s carpetbagging on the Zombie Genre just to pull us hardcore Z-heads into watching. It’s bait and switch. In fact, I’ll just say it out loud, and pardon my French. This movie is to Zombie movies what Weird Science was to porn. It was like a “dry martini waved in the direction of a vermouth bottle” pretension by association. I don’t expect much from Asylum movies. They’ve had some good ones and a whole shitload of shit, but usually there’s some level of passion in the project somewhere. Even if it was the Kenny who threw towels at people on the set, someone is usually having fun due to an Asylum movie. This just didn’t feel like it. A third of the movie is a woman with crazy-husky-dog contacts yelling into her hand, a third is running around directed by a video-game Heads Up Display, and the remaining third was made up of whatever bullshit they had lying around, both physically and emotionally. The best actor was the doctor who got Aliened, and he barely got any screen time. The rest of the players? Maybe AJ has potential? But none of this matters if your CGI is literally revolting and your dialogue is metaphorically revolting.
Recommendation?
I have to start this off with the statement that I feel ill. Nauseous. I did get high as fuck before this, and I didn’t eat great today, and I drank a lot of coffee before I started this, but that’s pretty normal for me doing a review. I honestly believe that the crappy CGI effects are to blame. I feel like when I wandered into Best Buy when VR headsets were *just* coming out and I demo’d one and instantly got a migraine. I’m not saying any of this to trash on the movie itself, that’s coming. But I do feel like watching this legitimately made me ill.
And it turns out you catfished us with the whole Zombie thing to begin with.
Plot Autopsy
Plot Autopsy
- Monkey delivery service goes haywire
- Die-cast two dimensional paper-doll-cutout actors are introduced as characters
- Being a single mom gets in the way of yelling into things
- Floating CGI elephants give you a fucking migraine
- Standard running/driving/shooting/yelling/dying; all about C- level
- Fuck the Epcot center
Zombie Description
Zombie Description
Got catfished. No real zombies. Pissed off deadly super-amped animals, but no zombies. Not a single dead human moving. When these people died, they stayed dead. When they got bit by “zombie” animals, nothing happened. No infection, no turning. For reasons no one could possibly give a shit about, they *did* explain the reason for the zombies, which is an enzyme. If you want anything more, go fuck yourself. If you wanted zombies, go fuck yourself. If you didn’t want a seizure, go fuck yourself.
Where the money went
Where the money went
I think that there wasn’t shit for money to begin with, and then they used what little they had on sets (or renting time in a zoo?) and having someone program a bunch of video-game Heads Up Display maps so we could see dots moving around to show that the things that the dots represent were still moving around. What did they do good? Whoever built that gate did a good job. I’d like that gate for myself. Keep fucking Asylum movies away from me. They spent some money on hallucinogens in order to believe in their CGI. When someone actually did get red on them, it was liberally applied and pretty good effects, but that’s nothing to write home about. Same with the gunplay. About a third of it wasn’t insulting. They gave the Owner so much screen time that maybe she’s expensive, but I didn’t see the value. I watched this weird movie last night about two brothers returning to the cult they left as children. It was pretty good. For some reason I keep thinking about that movie as I write this. It’s like pining for a lost lover while being intimate with your current. They spent the money on costumes? Kinda but not really? I honestly can’t think of a specific aspect of zombie movies that this did well. Might be ‘cause it’s not really a zombie movie.
Best Weapon
Best Weapon
A small zombie monkey is attacking your friend. You rip your suitcoat off, use it like a towel to grab and contain the little monkey, and then holding it like a pillowcase with a bar of soap in the end, beat the shit out of the concrete wall next to you. What was the weapon? I think I gotta say Willard himself is the best weapon. That was cold, efficient, brutal; you almost felt sorry for the little zombie monkey, especially after the 18th hit. Willard doesn’t play.
Can I get a hand?
Can I get a hand?
I am shocked here, and not as if with a novelty hand buzzer. This crock of shit had THREE good hand moments. Granted, none of them were “Punching out of the earth”, but after this movie I believe I need to add in “Bloody hand slap on window” to my considerations in this area. Possibly others. It pays to keep an open mind. That could have been the best, most Zombie part of the movie. I can’t remember the 2nd hand thingy, but the plastic surgery disaster grabbing an ankle in desperation was good too. Oh yeah! Reading the review notes, the 2nd good hand moment was the bloody, shaky hand slowly reaching up to push the alarm buzzer. Nice.
That was new!
That was new!
A bald eagle nesting in the intestines of a living plastic surgery disaster. That was new. Unexpected, and absolutely bullshit, since bald eagles (and damn near every other bird) lives in nests in trees, but it worked for shock value. I actually didn’t understand what I was seeing until the victim declared what was happening “He’s nesting in me!”. I just saw a big bald eagle and an eviscerated woman and was wondering how the bird had ripped her to such shreds without getting any gore on it’s head. Have you ever really seen a bald eagle ripping into big bloody? They’re not dainty. They get red on them.
Review Notes
Review Notes
Well, shit. Right out of the gate, it’s an Asylum. That used to be synonymous with horrible. Now it’s merely aggressively associated with stupidism. And as for the warnings? In this order- Smoking, Alcohol Use, Foul Language, Violence. Doesn’t it seem like they ass backwards in terms of priorities for social improvement?
Something about Eden. Hey! It’s that blonde!
Gorilla Glue should sue.
I love when the movie is explained through an opening commercial with the same succinctness of a video-game mission.
I think that’s Epcot center?
At least they didn’t use stock footage. They REALLY filmed those animals.
I need a monkey delivery service.
Vampire monkey!
Good actress. The monkey, I mean.
And… so far the plot is we’re using like, not-approved medicines on monkeys that just died. I’m not sure why we’d have a medicine that we’re not allowed to use readily available, but there’s also a lot of intense staring. I wish they’d call a chimp ambulance to come shock the little guy with tiny defibrillator paddles. 12 volts to the nipples will wake’m back up!
Not the worst zombie effects, not the best. It’s a new take, for the most part, and they film it by blurring everything in the scene out, like how they used to do with Vaseline. But this is digital Vaseline. Which may be a great… anecdote? Synonym? Shit, what’s that word that means description. But one of those (no, not fable) of the Asylum. Synopsis! That’s kinda it.
Monkey Vision! Which… is pretty basic.
And the first human victim falls prey to… A FILING CABINET. Yeah, in a movie about zombie animals that starts off with zombie monkeys, they draw first blood with first person POV of a delivery boy getting crushed by a filing cabinet. Thank god 28 Days Later didn’t think of THIS beginning, because, well, then 28 Days Later would have sucked.
Robin’s hair isn’t naturally that shade of black, but that’s ok because the zombie monkey just jumped up on her face, ripped her eyeballs out, and threw them at the remaining scientist before jumping at him and segueing into the title. I did NOT see that coming. The lady dying. I figured her for a Character. And I’d totally forgotten that we hadn’t seen the title yet. I call that a good thing.
Anything with Meerkats gets extra points.
Damn, being a single mother really gets in the way of all this character introduction. There’s Fran Drescher, a hunk, a camera nerd.. Hawaiian shirt guy. Looks constipated.
Maannn, everyone has to give up their cell phones? Is this a tour or.. ok, they’re interns. And this woman is a bitch.
We got a bloody, quivering hand hitting a panic button. Good tradition.
Hawaiian shirt guy… shit. Looks like he took his acting lessons in the form of Mountain Dew 2 liters. Or fake coke that he thinks is real.
Damn, that bike guy has huge arms. Ding ding!
The intern at an aviary doesn’t know what the birds eat. Someone really paid attention to this script. “Is that written in green crayon? What a novel approach! Someone greenlight this project immediately!”
“What is a young republican like you doing in a place like this?”
“Homeless people scare me and I’m allergic to babies.”
Fran has more gold than Mr. T.
There’s something sketchy going on with the park owner and Fran.
Evidently Fran is a badass. She fought a cop.
Wait. She IS a badass. Those are warthogs. I’d avoid their poop like hot lava.
They have to CGI the gorilla? That’s fucking lame. Kiefo. Lame name, lame CGI, lame communication bond with Newt. (The owner’s daughter)
That gorilla bullshit looks like a toad wearing a CGI suit.
20 words in and that suited asshole just said “I concur”. Oh, I know who *I* want to punch!
“I liked my tie.”
Ok. I’m saying it. Like, a little over 15 minutes into this and the freakiest thing so far is the owner’s eyes. Those contacts are the wrong everything. It’s like looking into Brad Pitt’s eyes in Interview, except it’s icy-water-contraction-obvious instead of enchanting. This woman looks like an android, and not one ready for “real human” action. I get that she’s supposed to have a stick up her ass, but how literal a character actress is she? And what the fuck is wrong with her eyes? (actress, if this is just, like, how you look, I’m sorry if I’m being mean. I think you look funny.)
“When I grow up I’m going to be smart!”
The security guys are goofballs! Gosh, we have fun! Boris!
The chemistry between these guys is… abrasive. I bet a dollar they met the day they had to film the scene.
Rex has a challenge on his hands!
All hell is breaking loose! We can tell because of the beeping.
The posse is off to investigate! And the dialogue sucks. I don’t care about the interns wants or needs. No one does. It’s the American way. Bad plot device. Lame.
“It’s a zoo! Not Jurassic Park!” -Cut to next scene of a jeep wrangler that looks stolen off the JP set.
The actors playing security… Jesus. Get a room. And then go take a nap, or watch tv, or do anything other than be in these scenes. You can’t act and your dialogue does nothing for the plot. Rex, I still like you. Don’t let me down.
These guys love their leather holsters.
“We don’t know what’s wrong.”
“We don’t know what’s right.”
Then what the fuck do you know? “It’s too late for that?” for getting in trouble? Yeah, your careers maybe.
“It’s not a weapon, it’s an accessory. Some women wear earrings, I wear firearms.”
The posse explores the lab…
They can all act scared quietly quite well. It’s the… talking that is hurting the movie.
YES! Fuck yeah! Didn’t see that coming and it ruled! The window-behind-the-actor-gets-suddenly-slapped-with-a-bloody-hand! Nice!!
Carnage at the lab!
Dude has a plastic… not syringe. Like, lab turkey baster jammed in his skull. The one with big arms. These monkeys don’t play.
Doc just started seizing, then grabbing at himself… unfortunately, they did it. They went Alien on us. After the doctor was talking and stuff. They burst a zombie monkey out of his chest. Should this be awesome? Fuck, I don’t think so. But does it fit at all in any way? No.
And these zombie monkeys can shriek at a level humans can’t stand. Innovating use of how we’ve saved ourselves in so many other movies. Mars Attacks is a great example. Love that movie. Except Nicholson’s Developer character. Too far. Like William Defoe said, that went too far. Probably the only Nicholson role I actively dislike.
These monkeys really don’t play. It’s like, monkeys 4, humans 0.
As usual, a 1911 saves the day.
All the monkeys react. Hive mind zombies?
This struggle scene is kinda like the old 50’s movies where the actor was both holding the prop alien on their neck, but also writhing around pretending to be trying to rip it off. To the sounds of monkey screeching. I wonder how many different screech samples they used. I should have it analyzed. There’s probably more effort there than the dialogue.
Willard character just went all prison beating on the facility wall with a coat full of zombie monkey. I like. I like.
Little girl playing with stuffed toys.
Owner pacing with poor voice-over.
Rex! You done got bit! You gon’ die!
Ok, whew. Thank god everything is microchipped and mapped like a video-game with red and yellow dots and shit so we can ingest this spoon-feeding of regurgitated plot droppings.
And by that map, they’re fucking flying…
Drama! The owner doesn’t want to hurt the animals, but Rex’s been bit and he’s out for vengeance!
Crazy husky eyes lets us know this is not a drill. And someone got to play with their drone.
I think that fake monkey got a bright idea.
I feel like we just saw that one Robbie intern for the first time. I mean, I’m high, but… why’d they add all these interns if they don’t really have anything for them to do until they need to get killed? It’s like a plot convolution that adds nothing. Yet.
Zombie monkeys have zero fear of launching themselves out of huge trees and onto your face. They also have amazing accuracy.
Did someone donate this tiki-torch booth to be used in the set?
Yeah. Gorilla after you, climb a tree. Solid.
The cops ain’t gonna help, and lord, Owner… you’re not doing well.
Little girl, you should be in commercials.
This mother daughter thing feels pasted on. But not as cool as pasties.
I think I’m really watching people act like they’re trapped in trees as zombie giraffes attack them. Unfortunately, the giraffes have all the moves of an old pixilated 16-bit fighter, so, fortunately, they can’t actually reach anyone.
Once again, we’re embracing 1950’s production values- having our actors climb trees and then using an out of focus camera, clubbing them repeatedly with fake giraffe heads.
Well, shit, dude got bit. And then pulled out of his tree. And then waved around against all laws of physics and momentum and gravity. I’ve seen fan-footage of Harry Potter Quidditch games made with stop-go jumping animation that was more realistic than the giraffe death.
Ok, that was a lie. I haven’t seen that. But the giraffe death looked like a 12 year old’s music video.
Whoah. Zombie giraffe used Fran as a human shield for a second there. Sentience?
Once again, the lack of realistic gun usage insults us. 1 out of every 3rd shot is believable.
Does Willard have something for Fran?
Fran got arrested once! And we’ve moved on.
3 hours until the CDC gets here. And… this isn’t about the monkeys.
The animals brains are being affected.
Rex and the Owner have a very intent radio communication. I smell an Oscar!! Or maybe my dog farted.
Back to the video-game tracking system.
Couple minutes of dialogue and then Willard gets bit by a THIRD giraffe. Fran runs off with the jeep.
“What if I die? And turn into one of those things? And attack you? And try and kill you?”
“We’ll just have to kill you first, buddy, ok?”
If this little girl uses “telescope” for “microscope” one more time…
Owner plans to use science to save the day. JUST thought of that.
Now, like, everyone is showing up. All the sirens and black suited shock troops and helicopters and the perimeter is secure.
Daughter and mother talk more…
Rex, Willard, and bad-ass talk more…
Elephants show up and Willard Nicholas-Cages the logic of elephants being benign because they don’t have any natural predators so nothing would attack and infect them. From what I saw of them monkeys, they don’t play fair. Throwing eyeballs. Jesus. “If you have eyeballs, fling them now!”
I’m feeling sick from the caffeine. Or maybe the movie. Or both.
But these elephants are fucking levitating. I mean it. The CGI is like, pasted on without the walking movement to distance traveled ratio correct. It’s possible the CGI is making me sick.
Also really really high.
Pretty damn sure they’re using stock Asylum “cops doing cop things on a cop crime scene” footage with a bad voice-over for the authority figure that the Owner is dealing with.
Most of this movie is just the owner yelling into electronic devices.
Fucking videogame map again.
A swat team or two are entering the place…
A shadow of a CGI lion splays magnificently against the wall
And then we watch the owner lightly tap her desk in anger as we hear the team die through the phone. My fucking heartstrings are pained from all this jerking around.
They’ve got a “Duck Crossing” sign in an aviary dedicated to endangered species. And we have to put up with Hawaiian shirt actor again.
“How much is enough?” Judging by the amount of plastic surgery that woman had, never say never. Or something like that. She’s had a lot of work done and looks funny.
Did we just have to watch a joke that Hawaiian shirt shit himself? Shirtshitself. That’s hard.
Fran wants out of the gate.
Video game suspense.
So much suspense.
So little acting.
Uh. Lion ate her. Or dragged her away at least.
And the Owner is the worst parent in history.
The call was coming from inside the house!!
CGI zombie koala looks about the same as a Zombeavers. I wonder how much of these two share the same cast or crew?
Well, that’s one little girl not to fuck with. Poor Zombie Koala.
The three idiots are riding the elephants? Yeah, I think the fucking elephant CGI is fucking with my eyes.
Zombie Ringtails!
Rex just got crushed with the same believability of watching a soldier pretend to get stabbed by a sword by trapping it against their body with their arm.
Elephants are fleeing, ringtails are everywhere, the 1911 finally ran out of bullets. They only hold 7? Originally.
And then… sparkles burst in the air around the ringtails, scaring them away? Or are the ringtails themselves bursting into glass shards? What the fuck is going on, why do I pretend to care, fuck this CGI. I feel like I’ve been binging “Battling Seizure Robots”.
“It’s a rocket gun left over from the independence fair.” Yeah. Plausible.
Willard is getting infected but Rex is still Right-oh?
There’s something fun about watching a little girl nonchalantly wash blood off herself.
And the little girl knows something? Isn’t it obvious?
Staff fighting about responsibilities and who gets to use the flip phone.
Yeah, Rex… I heard that stutter in the middle of your lines.
More video game showing us what’s happening. Spoon Fed.
We gon’ watch a hippie die.
Wait… I think maybe this Keefo gorilla thing is the monster on the film cover? Its crap CGI, so it’s hard to tell. Like, which of your two cats left what in the litter box? That’s a good allegory for this movie.
You know, I’d been waiting for the glass door thing to come into play.
I *think* I’d be willing to fight a gorilla if I had a razor sharp machete.
In this instance, Rex evidently feels the same way.
Saves the two idiots, everyone runs, Rex gets his head crushed.
Somehow, it’s three interns that have lived.
Playing hide and seek with a zombie ape.
Yes. They really just did out-climb a zombie gorilla, then turn around and roll a huge rock down the other rocks and killed the bad gorilla. Or did they? I mean, all that bullshit happened, but is kefo really dead?
Random running around…
“I don’t see any animals. Then again, they could be in hiding.”
A philosophical conversation about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
Amber is back! She’s got red on her!
A moment of bad acting to pay respects.
I think they painted that poor girl.
Back to yelling into electronic devices.
A lot of talking, and then the video-game screen shows us more dots, so it’s time to run around again.
The three stooges somehow let 4 lions get within 10 feet of them- at the cardinal directions- without noticing? That’s not dumb characters, that’s idiotic writing. I suck at math, but I think it’s a physical possibility that the shown scenario could occur unless the humans had their eyes closed. Which they didn’t.
In the jeep, getting chased by three zombie lions, most of the gunshots occurring off screen, so it’s really just the actor holding their arm where you can’t see their hand and then gunshots dubbed in randomly. Really. It’s that lazy.
Back to 1950’s production. Speed up a slow-motion car approaching a tree to simulate an accident. And then all three happen to superman without dismemberment? We get it. They had to take the jeep away. Losing the keys wouldn’t have worked.
An enzyme in the brain cortex. That’s what’s causing it.
There’s a fucking parrot-annoying-a-human bit.
The three idiots running away from the elephants now. Even though they were riding them like domestics before.
Parrot attack! Just slightly better than Birdemic.
Zip lines use razor-wire?
They honestly couldn’t pay for the actors to actually go ziplining? I mean, they didn’t need to actually do this accident of the line breaking, that would take a budget. But they love those drone shots. This shit looks like a 1980’s breakfast commercial for a themed waffle house.
AJ go splat. That was fake and silly, but I liked it.
I’m having a hard time finishing this. All the survivors have banded together and (I think) gonna burn the motherfucker down. I wasn’t really paying attention, I was really checking to see how much time I had left. And then the little girl gets her cute little girl moment “Cool”. Punky Brewster you’re not.
Willard and the bad-ass are going to… do something… and if they fail, the aviary gets burned.
They’re at the duck crossing.
The birds are missing.
A parrot is talking
Birds are headbanging. Whiplash!
The glass has a computer monitored integrity breach countdown so we can see how dire the situation is. Just like in a videogame.
Hawaiian shirt got it in the eyes too.
Oh! A nice bloody hand grab! The woman with too much plastic surgery is still alive! But… A bald eagle is nesting in her innards. It’s not a good look. It’s not something I could ever think up. Whoever did walks the fine line between genius and insanity holding hands with their shadow.
Looks like the interns are dead.
Thankfully, the Owner lights it on fire.
And then cries to her grandfather. He can’t hear her.
The interns are alive! They kill the birds with their bare hands and then begin shooting like there never was an ammunition shortage.
Gotta get out of the smoke!
Gotta make it to the truck!
Gotta… like… turn around and… do trusting stuff…
And then the bad-ass shoots a flare gun, which we saw for 15 seconds earlier in the movie as it was identified as a rocket gun… and the resultant explosion is akin to a Zepplin.
And everyone gets unconvincing knocked backwards out of sync. I hope someone got a concussion.
Epcot center is burning.
A flaming bird is flying around. Gotta shoot that one.
Jesus, the fucking Keefo thing is back. And chasing them.
Made it to the fence, then Keefo started hitting them with each other.
The little girl’s pleas didn’t work, so the owner did a headshot. I think it’s supposed to be significant.
A helicopter from a videogame shows up…
Ok, everyone sit in these seats while we shine a flashlight at you through a fan to make it kinda look like you’re on a helicopter and talk amongst yourself about closing up plot crap you mentioned earlier.
We close with Keefo opening his dead eyes again.
————End Transmission——————–
Introduction
Introduction
My wife and I recently returned from a 5-day backpacking trip in the New Mexico Gila (heel-ah) Wilderness (I like GEE-La more, like the lizards) and during one night, right after the sun set as we settled down into our sleeping bags, about 50-70 meters away something big and predatory began ripping through a fallen tree or dead logs, and a couple minutes later we heard minutes and minutes of pained, fearful squealing.
I’m pretty sure what we heard was either a really big cat- like, a mountain lion or something- or a bear. I have no idea what the unfortunate squealy eaty creatures were either, but I really hope that last one got away. Pretty sure we heard a couple… not. But it was one of those experiences that makes you feel alive! We’re the only people in a 10 mile radius, the sun has set, it’s cold and scary and there’s hungry death all around you- this is how we feel alive, this is the thing that my wife and I do that defines us- we go out into the middle of nowhere with just us and then we survive.
Granted, most of the time this looks like hiking around eating gummies or jeeping trips centered around dropping huge dabs, getting lost, and then dropping more huge dabs before camping and dealing with adulting the next day… but this experience was like an acetone bath, like burning piss colored adrenaline running through you as you stand unarmed in the darkness listening to something hungry as it kills and feeds, hoping that it gets enough from whatever poor animals it’s found. “Please, please don’t wonder what I taste like!’ you feel yourself willing out into the unknown darkness. And this is what ultimately makes zombie movies so fucking frightening to me.
If I’d been eaten by some bear out in the New Mexico wilderness, well, shit. Kinda brought that on myself. I wandered out into the middle of the desolate high desert when everything that hibernates is waking up hungry, and then I took a lot of drugs and feel asleep in a hoodie that I’d been wiping beef jerky grease on for 4 days… I’d deserve to be eaten, and in that final moment, I’d have known what I did. I fucked up. I arrogant monkey’d my REI loving ass into the belly of nature. Painful and scary as that is, it’s nature. Natural.
Humans eating other humans? Most of us agreed a really long time ago that this wasn’t natural, so there’s the fear of cannibalism. What does it feel like to look into someone’s eyes, knowing that they’re not looking back at you with human consideration, but rather predatory opportunism? To know that no matter what words are exchanged or expressions they show on their face, they consider you a consumable protein source?
This is the crux of what makes zombies so scary- we can’t believe that they’re really both dead and rotting while also walking around snacking, but it’s really the eating of each other that we can’t fathom. The lack of a pulse is just another Scooby-doo-doo detail. So like I said, this past week I felt close to death, danger, fear. I was reminded that I’m a fat hairless ape with a gold tooth wandering the jungle ghetto waving around a tourist map. I’m prey. We all are. Especially in this genre.
So- in honor of this awesome “I don’t want to die tonight while only wearing socks!” experience, I was going to watch Aquarium of the Dead, because it has apex predators turned zombies and honestly, I haven’t watched Zoombies either, but felt like that would be a bit too cliché. But now Amazon wants *money* to watch this stupid necrotic Water World rip, but Zoombies is free with Prime, so if I can’t find anything else interesting in the next couple minutes…
As it is, I need to get this coffee going and fire up the dab rig in prep for whatever I end up watching. I’ll let you know. I just went into the kitchen for something, but I ended up noticing we were low on coffee so I made some more. If you like coffee and haven’t switched to cold brew yet, you should totally do it.
I didn’t really understand the acidity stuff my wife explained, but you do get to shake them up like lava lamps every time you make a new batch. Or at least, I do. It’s fun in that “watching the laundry go around and around” vein.
Crap. What did I want in the kitchen? Ok, a couple dabs later, I’m resigned to my fate. I’m watching Zoombies. Yay. Let’s see what we’re in for. “When a strange virus quickly spreads through a safari park and turns all the zoo animals undead, those left in the park must stop the creatures before they escape and zombify the whole city.”
As usual, I got a couple bones to pick here. It’s a strange virus? Really? Is this a safari (they’re free, we’re caged) or a zoo (they’re caged, we’re free)? And the table stakes for this fuckery? A city. We need to stop the zombie animals before they turn the city into bad zombies. But world spread, well, I mean, we’re not worried about that. Umbrella Corporation will develop a vaccination before it spreads THAT far. If we’ve learned anything recently, it’s that viruses swing, baby! They get A-Round, if you know what I’m saying!
And if you do, good on you, I’m really high and just typing coffee quick, so that was meaningless and whatever you thought it meant is more a statement about yourself than my comparison between viruses and swingers.
The cover picture is an assumably zombified lion. It has an excess of saliva. Swingers. Austin Powers. I really didn’t intend to sit down and watch this, but the ‘verse has special powers. River. Ok. I can’t actually start. I can’t make myself push Watch Now. The picture still Amazon has up instead of a trailer shows a completely non-descript blonde lady standing in front of what looks like eight photos of animals; lion, elephant, parrot, lemur (I think?) zebra, and an owl. Looks like stock footage from an airline ad. One pic is so dark I can’t tell. Could be a monitor lizard, could be a Nissan Sentra.
I need to smoke more for this. Help me, Jeebus. Protect me from the dab sweats. What a huge perfect hit of tangerine. That was great. 3 breathes to kill it, then a huge gulp of cold water. Damn, I love water. I used to drink a lot of soda. One of the easiest and best life choices you can make is to quit soda. Coffee is ok, it’s a drug, and I’m pro drug. Think of soda like oily sugar sludge. Fuck, it’s disgusting.
I’m gonna take another procrastination hit. I *really* don’t want to watch this one. Jesus, maybe it’ll actually be good and I’ll have to eat all these words. I think I’m biased ‘cause the dead shit eating people is animals and not people, but I was looking forward to that Shark zombie one. Paul Walker. Oh shit. I just looked at the Amazon reviews? 3.5 stars. We know what that means. And then I noticed the rating; 13+. Boy oh boy, there’s no way this could turn into a waste of time, you know?
Typing feels like trying to cut my fingernails while sitting backwards on a toboggan that’s careening down an upper new York state hill. I think that means I feel out of control and pretentious. One… more… hit. Then we go.