The Stoner's Guide to Zombie Movies

Fuck you, Prince!  Bat-Dance has been vanquished!  There’s a new soundtrack in town …

I ate a big gummy an hour ago and then a couple CBD gummies.  Jesus, I love gummies.  All gummies, too- not just the edible kind.  I mean, I guess they’re all technically the edible kind.  If they’re not, you …

I like when British people call each other funny things.  “Donut” is one of my favorite British put-downs, I think. “They’ll ride in on their whales to see the damage they’ve done.”  …

Adelle in a dominatrix costume riding you like a pony and alternating spanking you and strangling you with a belt …

Maybe it’s ‘cause I’m autistic or whatever, but it’s like the difference between cheese slices that were cut from a big block of cheese, and cheese slices that were injected as liquid form into the plastic sleeves that you pull …

There’s something that looks like a cosmic rhino or maybe it’s a falcon featured predominantly…essentially Evil Dead that’s been constitution-fried, like a mad-libs where the person wrote ‘MERICA in for every blank, even the verbs …

The biggest problem with eating Toblerone’s is that I keep getting the foil in my mouth.  I got chocolate all over the desk.  Crap. Is this the universe trying to save me from a fate worse than death? …

Have I eaten some fish heads?  Yes, under certain circumstances it’s the right thing to do. Sometimes you have to assert your Alpha-Dominance of the situation and grabbing the fish and biting it’s head off is one way to do …

“Pretend you’re way over-caffeinated and covered in rats.  Which you’re phobic of!” The juxtaposition of aggression and pleas played though me like Hitchcock’s shower-murder strings….you feel like playing chess against a Tiger.  Who is also a Chess Master …

I’m not sure what the fuck to write here. “Hey, I have to return these pants to Abercrombie and Fitch, let’s just roll around gently in the moss over there.” I was dreaming and kung-fu kicked the table and broke …

*I* arrived on New Bong Clouds, and I plan on taking another ride before we depart.  It’s enough to make someone want to pull the shades, turn out all the lights, and pretend there’s some sort of demonic Christmas rave …

I’ve been intentionally walking into a LOT of walls recently. I once had a dream that was just a bunch of scenes from Superbad, except Vin Diesel was playing the role of McLovin …

In this scenario as I imagine it, the other guy is Kevin Costner and he’s wearing a big black duster coat and I’m dangling off a cliff, like at the Grand Canyon …

This is like a super-villain origins story, except I’m far too paunchy, broken down, and bald for this to be an origins story.  …

I’m a unicorn in a world without magic. All I have ever wanted in my LIFE is one good highway motorcycle battle against The Clowns. I rock high-heeled boots better than Prince did.  I’m not designed for this world.  …

I wandered out into the middle of the desolate high desert when everything that hibernates is waking up hungry, and then I took a lot of drugs and fell asleep in a hoodie that I’d been wiping beef jerky grease …

Next thing you know you’re waving the bag over your face and making it rain as you chow down faster than a dog with a stolen bowl of cheese cubes …

I Heckle.  There’s nothing polite or demure about it.  I heckle every sport every chance I get.  And one of my favorites is simply repeatedly yelling “Fundamentals!”; it’s hilariously useless advice yet generally always applicable.  …

What do we, the viewers, end up with after all the compromising is done?  Fuck if I know, but it hides it’s pointy ears under a baklava.  Unless *that’s* one of those Greek honey pastries and not a hat that …

This must be what a sports-car feels like when someone makes it do donuts. My depressed mood is sitting on me like a toad made of cold smoke. Smells like my psyche took a shit in my purse …

Jesus, I complain a lot.  I also invoke a name that I have no belief in.  Maybe I should start saying “Charles” instead.  I at least believe in that person.  …

Romero was sitting around bored one summer and a Cadillac with his college buddies pulled up with a bag of money and they said “Hey man, let’s spend the summer remaking that movie you made, like, a decade ago!  But …

I had a chunk of carbide drill bit stuck in my head for 49 days… better for me than the bleeding hippies, but they’re gone and I’ve got a hallucinating hysterical girl standing in front of me silently crying and …

We avoid doing things like trying to punt their scrotum to the dark side of the moon. But I do deserve better than The Asylum puking in my lap like an intoxicated freshman …

If it was done right, underwear subscription could be the proving point of communism! and what the fuck is so good about pants besides the pockets? …

Would the sound engineer stand up please?  You’re an asshole. Your endomorph is “Unattractive”.  We get to tag along on unresolved daddy issues and shitty CGI …

Taking LSD and then spending the afternoon with your cat is interesting…as I felt the mountain lion’s worrying jaws finally find purchase on the base of my skull, out of the corner of my eye I saw Yeller’s tail, disappearing …

I need to pad out my resume. So far, I’m only test-proven as a door-opener. Look at yourself in the mirror naked and be honest.  Are you ready for *anything* …

This is a zombie movie from the glory days of “Well, most of our budget is in cocaine” and “Yeah, but is there a reason she *can’t* be naked?” level film-making.  …

Even when I’ve high-sided sport-bikes and gone cart-wheeling through the air, it wasn’t terrifying.  It was… embarrassing.  I absolutely hate being hurt or incapacitated in public.  Unless it’s alcohol related, which for some reason turns into a huge fucking adventure.  …

You know who I want to fight?  Whoever designed Domino’s topping line- like, the literal design of “This goes here, this goes there.”  pizza making stations. You put olives in a place where if one is accidently dropped, it falls …

The first and most important take away from this story is that I did not and do not pee the bed.  But I sure try to. In my dreams, I’m desperate to take a leak …

The bible’s preferred unit of distance measurement is from the tip of your “fuck you” finger down to the end of your elbow…if I took poodles and outfitted them with laser legs and hypersonic eyes, would they be a new …

The first olive to rise is the loser and must buy the next round.  The last olive to rise is the winner. The olive symbolizes a deceased child, while the sugar cube is the ballast as it’s dropped in a body …

Why, when people were breeding cats, didn’t anyone hold up a hand and say “Hey, that’s unnatural to take their choice of mates away in order to produce a desired outcome in the offspring.”?   Why didn’t some say “Hey, put …

Amazon has suspended my ability to leave reviews on items.  I *think* it was due to leaving “They have not spontaneously combusted” as an underwear review …

I recently underwent dental surgery that had such good drugs that I decided to die…I’d be holding a bee.  Which is great fun to walk up to someone and then put in their face. No wonder you think you’re dainty …

Remember that scene in Joker, when he’s dressed up as the clown and dancing for the children at the hospital, and then the pistol falls out and slides across the floor?  What if you *knew* that someday, that pistol was …

I hope we can all agree Covid was a thing and that it tore through our world faster than herpes in a hippie commune and our reaction was to hoard toilet paper.  …

When I die, if I go to heaven, there will be a Gene Simmons/Scott Bonn Master Blaster combination rampaging through the clouds leaving a cacophony of broken harps behind.  And I’ll have a dog whistle.  But since this is Heaven, …

If I draw a dot on a donut and then an ant leaves that dot and begins walking around the donut, are you going to refuse that donut because of the ant?  If not, what about 2 ants?  What is …

I could have also told her that I was the gossamer sunshine god and I would bless any nectarines brought to me with good fortune.  I think I got the right point across …

I’m left feeling slightly dazed as if I just look an Uber with 5 college sorority girls from a country I’ve never heard of and none of them would stop talking in their foreign language the entire drive across New …

Why do people like cats?  I wish you all could read cat minds to realize what they really think of you.  There would be a torrential rain of feline defenestration like never before.  And then, well, 8 more just like …

Just lets you stand there awkwardly on the threshold of the kitchen trying to keep up your end of the conversation while your host eats an entire pie sitting at the table in front of you without offering you any …

I want to spend a week doing nothing.  Unable to do anything.  Unable to go anywhere.  Fucking chain my ankle to a tree and take my pants, I don’t care.  What does a week feel like when your neural network …

I understand why she’s crying, even if I’m not.  Mine will come later.  On their own terms.  On someone else’s bad day. There are few hills worth dying on.  But they can be found wearing the appropriate footwear.  If not, …

“You ever work retail before?”  This is actually a very important divider amongst people…holding your arms up as the roller coaster does it’s thing …

I tried to die, though.  I drank.  Continuously. If I reach back, I can still feel a remnant of that self-centered, vicious creature.  Not enough pride to be a lion, but no call to the life of nobility either.  …

Did I read so much history as a child that I’ve subconsciously declined to participate, knowing full well that the only ending to anything mankind has ever known involves blood, flames, screaming, and preaching, whether it be religious, political, or …

A tall, skinny Prince-type weirdo… the kind of person who looks natural while holding a switchblade with a dainty lacy-gloved hand. Shuts out the lights and runs in circles screaming, with the only word understandable being the oft repeated “Protocol” …

I *could* be running in 5th gear, screaming into the wind, shaking an albatross corpse by the foot, daring the gods to smite me. I’m already the space between two items of significance, why shouldn’t I be the darkness between …

This makes me want to drive off into the night with a map, a thermos of black coffee, and an old gun under the spare tire in the trunk of the car …

I just realized that planning to disappear is only enjoyable if you believe there will be someone looking for you.  Maybe not looking for you, but aware that you’ve gone to shadow.  A you-shaped hole has to exist in the …

I scribed for minutes in that little box, trying to find the right weight to apply to the right words in the right context as seen in the right light from the right perspective, and after erasing my own words …

Let’s just admit it may involve maids and nudity at a Baltimore hotel…I’m off to take on the English army with nothing more than anger, a kilt, and a cudgel. “If you only had opposable thumbs we could make a …

I got shot damn near in the balls with a less than lethal in 2016 when we all were experiencing culture shift and some of us were being more vocal than others.  I’ve been in the tear gas, I’ve had …

I do believe that I am lucky to be the last generation that was encouraged to go do shit and helmets were optional.  Yes, I do joke with my wife about taking care of a short white fat bald version …

Do you think dogs resent their humans for not liking food that the dog likes?  Let’s use anchovies as an example.  I assume dogs like them,  I personally have a deep and intense loathing of damn near all things pickled, …

Last night I couldn’t hold a .38 to take my own life, and today I found myself holding tightly to the cardboard carton of a rotisserie chicken at the supermarket like a drowning man to a rope from an unexpected …

…me being introduced to automatic weapons fire, which found me clawing at the underside of a log, trying to get away from the rhythmic concussive force battering down at me from the guy next to me’s PPSH41, which is Russian …

Mushrooms everyday.  See where that leads us?  That’s right.  We end up severing our own ear and sending it off in the mail. Were I God, I would ban Gin, Olives, Sardines, and Cheese-Its! And the Irish! …

I am an oaf.  Picture a hearty, grown lad with his feet tied loosely together, his eyes blindfolded, and each hand holds a cricket bat, or a baseball bat, or even a large salmon.  Now, spin the person.  …

Think of all the lists you’re on.  Your name, your person, is counted by talliers that you may be ignorant of.  “1 death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.”  I have 5 pumpkins …

I’m fucking along for the ride, man.  I’m not steering this ship.  I’m not driving.  I’m not asleep at the wheel, I’m… I’m that introspective passenger who leans against the window and doesn’t say shit and when you finally decide …

It’s gonna get weird and ugly before anything resembling beauty is allowed to flourish, and I doubt that I’ll get to see any semblance of balance or peace, but it’s a possibility that I’m betting against simply because you can’t …

I fear being locked in a safe at the bottom of an ocean significantly more than I fear being locked in a safe in the middle of Utah.  I do fear being locked in a safe in the middle of …

I want to make a t-shirt that reads “I used to fantasize about shooting up the school, too.” in order to normalize the conversational stigmata of metal health with young adults …

I think that was my Are you trying to seduce me? moment, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I’d actually uttered something like that in realization as it occurred.  Is that a flashback?  …

If there’s anyone who has ever gave me consistently bad advice, it’s me, but I’m also surprisingly insightful and quite determined to find a peaceful existence.  Knowing that, why do I disregard my own advice?  Of head, heart, and stomach, …

The Gilded Cage no longer is the realm of metallurgy and engineering, now it’s virtual and all encompassing in it’s worship.  You cannot split your time between two worlds without going insane.  The Cthulhu Mythos assure us of that fact …

I feel like I’m smelling something that isn’t there- I’m not hallucinating a smell, but my nose feels like there’s something pungent.  Have you ever sniffed a curry or chili or even mustard that literally hurt the inside of your …

We’re sliding sideways down the rapids and screaming WOOOO since the other option is to scream nothing in fear. I am just barely holding this ship together …

I want to hear about the wild MDMA parties when Bubbles was spinning and no-one knew Corey Feldman was waiting in the wings, practicing Michael’s moves, waiting for there to be a Michael Jackson shaped hole in the spotlight that …

I am not a prophet, since I think they always are associated with a religion, but I am willing to tell the future.  We do not have one. Should a shark feel incomplete if it doesn’t get many hugs? Once …

I go from standing in the muddy gravel of my shop to peering around the wreckage of our pantry with a flashlight in one hand and 3 flathead screwdrivers and a sparkplug in the other.  …

What is the purpose beyond existing? Procreation? No.  Hedonism? No- it comes with a fucking banging headache the next day.  Fornication?  Eventually, you’re gonna start itching.  I reject gluttony simply due to aversion to wiping my own ass unnecessarily …

I got to piss blood once, too- picked a fight with a cop in a police station.  I might have winced after the beating while pissing pink urine, but that’s one cop who can’t say he’s never been struck in …

It’s like my body disincorporated for a night out on the town, and then not-everyone was there at the “ride home” rendezvous, but since people had to work in the morning and no-one missing was answering the phone, everyone there …

The feeling is there, but so is the compulsion to pace back and forth rubbing my head and thinking about world history and geo-politics, leaving myself scribbles on index cards of ideas that I feel could change the world if …

I want to commit a crime staged exactly just so as to necessitate the testimony of a professional mime in court.  I think I’m onto something here.  Add some cocaine and you have a Pryor and Wilder script …

We are organic beings who have already lost so much in the pocket-procuring compromise that is pants, and the lowest common denominator “everybody gets a hug” comfort of shoes …

The kitchen smells like chemical warfare. My sinuses are throbbing worse than when I was pepper-sprayed. To be honest, deer are a fucking menace and deserve to end up on a car hood or serving platter or both …

How did I take my socks off?  Why did I take my socks off? Imagine if she kept all the little legs in a tiny doll suitcase?  Dogs are supposed to be a little bit dirty. It’s how you tell …

When you run an adult store, you have to see a lot of stuff.  Some of it you have to watch.  Some of it you smell, too, and there’s a whole lot that you hear.  But, I have seen many, …

I lay there, not moving at all, thinking about all the possible places that I could be waking up.  Since I’ve stopped drinking, this exercise is significantly shorter than it used to be.  …

I learned how many frozen blueberries you need to eat to clog a toilet. Chase the Fundamental Catholic cat’s tail full circle and you’ve caught the lion of Islam by the nuts…our temple is any place of chicken consumption. We’ve got …

I dated a woman who had a scar from a monkey bite.  It was the coolest thing- not really to the point where you could see individual teeth marks or anything, but if you looked at it sideways while squinting …

Remember when I was complaining that the worst thing about murder is that you can’t practice to see if you’ve got any innate talent at it? Nothing I do is helpful to me, not in the long run.  I am …

You want questions?  Are you hoping the piss-fairy (no, not the homeless guy who wanders downtown Portland) is going to wave a wand and the sticks and stems will fall out of my urine …

I think after you stab someone in the side of the neck with a ceramic unicorn, you’re pretty much qualified to attack anyone with any item …

I cannot achieve the perfect snack.  But, snacks aside, I’ve never had a reason for making any of the career decisions that I made, other than rampant grabs for power and money …

He tripped and fell and rolled and was kneeling, pushing himself up again, when I caught up with him, and without pausing my momentum I soccer-punt-kicked him in the face at full run …